YOU'RE ON THE AIR, DUMBASS.

YOU'RE LISTENING TO RADIO69 THE STATION THAT DOES NOT VALUE YOUR OPINION AND GIVES EXACTLY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT WHAT SONG YOU WANT US TO PLAY. ARE YOU LONELY, SAD AND/OR PATHETIC? COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE LOOKING FOR A WAY IN WHICH YOU COULD BECOME POTENTIALLY LESS LONELY, SAD AND/OR PATHETIC? WELL, CALL IN AND TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. I WILL GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT, BUT I'M NOT A GODDAMN MIRACLE WORKER.

[radiokarkat]

Karkat, I've been redcrushing on this guy for a while now. I think he likes me back, but he just seems so clueless. How do I go about telling him that I'm flushed for him, while not getting scared and screwing up?

IN MY EXPERIENCE, CONFESSING YOUR FEELINGS IN THE FORM OF A HUGE, VERBOSE AND UNMITIGATIDLY AWESOME SPEECH MAY NOT BE THE BEST IDEA AFTER ALL, BEAUSE THERE'S THE CHANCE THAT IT COULD INTIMIDATE A LESSER LIFEFORM WHO DOSEN'T APPRECIATE PASSION AND INSTEAD SEES IT AS BEING A LITTLE

SCARY.

*coughs*

MAYBE.

SO, ANYWAY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, IS TALK TO HIM LIKE A FRIEND WOULD. DON'T TRY TO BE TOO CASUAL ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEEM LIKE IT MATTERS TO YOU, BUT YOU SHOULD JUST TRY TO RELAX AND SAY TO YOURSELF 'WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN'?

HE COULD LIKE YOU BACK, OR HE COULD REJECT YOU, THAT'S ALL. THE REJECTION WOULD HURT, BUT IT'S NO REASON TO BE SCARED OF TRYING. YOU'D REGRET THE LATTER FAR MORE IN THE LONG RUN.

-RK OUT

[radiokarkat]

Karkat, I have a problem involving a guy redcrushing on me. I like him, but not in that particular way. I just want to be friends, but friend zoning him makes me feel like a heartless and emotionless bitch. I try and bring it up that I just like him as a friend, but he keeps saying he'll "wait as long as it takes." That makes me feel even more guilty, and in short, I feel like utter shit.

STOP RIGHT THERE!

*REALLY LOUD OBNOXIOUS TRAFFIC WHISTLE SOUND EFFECT*

STOP LETTING THIS FUCKASS MAKE YOU FEEL BAD RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

IT'S YOUR RIGHT TO SAVE YOUR RED QUADRANT FOR WHOEVER YOU WANT, EVERYONE HAS THAT RIGHT. WHEN YOU SAY NO YOU MEAN NO. IF HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THEN HE'S NOT A VERY GOOD FRIEND.

FRIENDS, IDEALLY, SHOULD NOT MAKE OTHER FRIENDS FEEL GUILTY. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE LIKES YOU BUT THE WAY HE'S MAKING YOU FEEL ABOUT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

YOU HAVE TO BE FIRMER.

"LISTEN HERE CUMSLUT.."

OKAY, NOT THAT FIRM (AT LEAST NOT AT FIRST), BUT MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTANDS THAT WAITING WON'T GET HIM SHIT IF HE CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR FRIENDSHIP THEN HE DOESN'T DESERVE ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AT ALL.

[radiokarkat]

What am I supposed to do when my moirail keeps on making derogatory comments towards herself and her self-worth and nothing I try to do is cheering her up? She's constantly considering killing herself and I feel like a failure of a palemate when I can't do anything to help her. What can I do?

YOUR FRIEND IS NOT IN NEED OF CHEERING UP, SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS A MENTAL DISORDER AND NEEDS TO SEEK HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR, SO I CANNOT DIAGNOSE ANYTHING, BUT IF SHE IS THREATENING OR CONSIDERING TO KILL HERSELF, SHE NEEDS HELP FAR BEYOND WHAT A WELL MEANING FRIEND OR PALE PARTNER COULD GIVE HER.

  SHE NEEDS SUPPORT FROM HER MOIRAIL, NOT A CURE. THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD CURE THIS AND HANDLE IT ALL ON YOUR OWN, THAT IS EXPECTING FAR TOO MUCH FROM YOURSELF. HUMAN MOIRALLEGIANCE IS NOT TROLL MOIRALLEGIANCE. IT CAN'T BE BECAUSE WE'RE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SPECIES.

YOU SHOULD URGE HER TO SEEK HELP AND SUPPORT HER IN TAKING THE STEPS TO DO THAT. PRESENT HER WITH RESOURCES. LET HER KNOW THAT FEELING THIS WAY IS NOT HER FAULT, THAT YOU DO NOT BLAME HER FOR BEING THE WAY SHE IS, BUT YOU WANT HER TO WORK TOWARDS BEING HAPPY AND YOU WANT HER TO BE SAFE. KEEP CALLING HER AND MAKE SURE TO CHECK UP ON HER AND LET HER KNOW THAT YOU CARE, BUT DO NOT TRY TO CONVINCE HER OF ANYTHING, JUST BE THERE FOR HER. KNOWING THAT ONE PERSON TRULY CARES MEANS A LOT TO SOMEONE IN THIS SITUATION.

THE THING IS, THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN BE HELPED IS IF SHE WANTS TO BE HELPED. YOU SHOULD ENCOURAGE HER, TRY TO GIVE HER REASONS WHY SHE IS NOT WORTHLESS, WHY HER LIFE IS MEANINGFUL AND WHY YOU VALUE HER FRIENDSHIP, BUT DO NOT TRY TO CURE HER OR CONSTANTLY PUT PRESSURE ON YOURSELF TO CHEER HER UP. SHE IS NOT SAD, SHE IS DEPRESSED AND SUICIDAL. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE.

YOU MAY LISTEN TO HER  TALK ABOUT HER PROBLEMS IF SHE LETS YOU BUT DO NOT TAKE HER PROBLEMS INWARD AND HOLD YOURSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. DO NOT TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU COULD FIX THIS AND YOU'RE FAILING AT IT. THE ONLY PERSON THAT IS CAPABLE OF FIXING THIS  ULTIMATELY IS HERSELF.

ALL OTHERS CAN DO IS TRY TO HELP HER DO THAT.

BUT THERE IS HOPE, THERE ARE  RESOURCES AND WAYS FOR HER TO GET THROUGH THIS. MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS THAT. 

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/default.aspx

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Depression

http://help-and-support-blog.tumblr.com/

http://www.save.org/

Depression Hotline: [phone]

Suicide Hotline: [phone]

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE RESOURCES OUT THERE, THESE ARE ONLY A FEW I FOUND VERY QUICKLY ON TUMBLR AND GOOGLE. I WILL TRY TO SEARCH FOR THE MASTERPOST I SAW GOING AROUND A WHILE BACK AND REBLOG IT.

NOT ONLY CAN SHE GO TO A DOCTOR AND REQUEST A REFERRAL TO A PSYCHIATRIST SHE CAN ALSO CALL A HOTLINE/ WHENEVER SHE IS FEELING SUICIDAL AND PROFESSIONALS WILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO HER. SOMETIMES COLLEGES OFFER FREE THERAPY SESSIONS.

THERE IS SO MUCH HELP OUT THERE FOR PEOPLE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S PROBLEM. 

PLEASE, JUST URGE HER TO GET HELP. AS HER MOIRAIL, IT'S YOUR JOB TO DO WHAT YOU CAN TO HELP HER AND THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO. 

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

BRINGING THIS UP AT ALL AND ASKING QUESTIONS PROVES THAT.

((ooc:

this one was  not karkat speaking at all, it was just me talking in all caps

This is too serious an issue for karkat, it's probably too serious of an issue for me, but I won't reject anyone who goes to me for help. 

Please send me more asks if you need to talk about this more, I don't know much about these subjects but I will try my best to direct you to other sources of help.))

[radiokarkat]

Hi! So, I have a serious problem. My moirail and me had a huge arguement after school and I said something that I shouldn't have said and now she's SUPER pissed at me. I've tried to apologize (twice) but she's not answering me... The worst part is, I'm starting to insult myself again, which can really get bad (stupid, bitch, whore, etc.), and she normally helps me out of this. What do I do?

RK: SOUNDS LIKE YOU WON'T BE SLEEPING IN THE SAME  PILE TONIGHT, KIDDO. BUT I PROMISE IT ISN'T THE END OF THE UNIVERSE, I KNOW WHAT ONE OF THOSE LOOKS LIKE AND THIS IS YOUR GARDEN VARIETY I-SHOVED-MY-LEATHER, SOLED SHOE CONTAINER-DOWN MY THROAT SCENARIO.

ALRIGHT, SO IF YOU THINK YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE, AND YOU WANT TO, YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. TRY NOT TO PANIC, THIS WON'T RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS LONG AS YOU DO THE SOLVE THE PROBLEM. WANTING TO DO IT IS THE FIRST STEP.

YOUR FRIEND PROBABLY JUST NEEDS TIME TO BE ANGRY AND UPSET ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID. EVERYBODY NEEDS THAT TIME. SHE PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID AND HOW MUCH IT HURT HER. YOU'VE ALREADY REALIZED WHAT YOU DID WRONG, SO DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. JUST GIVE HER THE TIME SHE NEEDS, IT MIGHT BE A DAY, OR A FEW DAYS, BUT JUST DISTANCE YOURSELF FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND GIVE EACHOTHER ROOM TO BREATHE.

DON'T SEND ANYMORE MESSAGES, SHE ALREADY KNOWS YOU'RE SORRY  BY NOW AND IT MIGHT COME OFF AS HARASSMENT AND STRESS HER OUT MORE, JUST TRY TO MAINTAIN A COOL HEAD ABOUT THIS. TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, AND IT WILL GET SOLVED IN DUE TIME. YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME CONFIDENCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR THE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T WORTH SIXTY NINE SQUIRTS OF PISS. EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS FIGHTS, AND THE PALE QUADRANT DEFINITELY ISN'T THE KINDEST.

IF SHE MESSAGED YOU FIRST, ASK HER IF THE TWO OF YOU CAN TALK.

IF SHE STILL HASN'T MESSAGED YOU BACK BY THEN, TRY MESSAGING HER AGAIN. JUST LET HER KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT HER AND WANT TO TALK.

DON'T KEEP APOLOGIZING. IT CHEAPENS THE APOLOGY. WHEN YOU DO ACTUALLY DO A FORMAL APOLOGY, WHERE YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU SAID WHAT YOU SAID AND THAT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT, TRY TO DO IT OVER THE PHONE OR IN PERSON IF YOU CAN. OR WRITE KIND OF A LETTER, AND DOUBLE CHECK IT TO MAKE SURE YOUR LANGUAGE ISN'T TOO SELF PITYING OR BLAME-Y. YOU DON'T WANT TO BLAME ANYONE, NOT HER AND NOT EVEN YOURSELF!

IT WAS AN ARGUMENT, NOT A THIRD DEGREE MURDER. JUST EXPRESS WHAT NEEDS TO BE EXPRESSED WITHOUT MAKING IT MORE NEGATIVE THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.

ALSO, STOP CALLING YOURSELF A STUPIDBITCHWHORE AND WHATEVER ELSE.  YOU AREN'T, YOU ARE JUST UPSET THAT YOU HURT YOUR FRIEND BY ACCIDENT.

YOUR PALEMATE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO BE USING THIS FIGHT AS AN EXCUSE TO HURT YOURSELF. WHEN PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSED, THEIR MIND USES ANY OPPORTUNITY TO TWIST SCENARIOS AROUND SO THEY SEEM MUCH WORSE THAN THEY ARE. DON'T LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THAT TRAP. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN LIFE THAT WILL BE SHITTY TO YOU, TRY NOT TO BE SHITTY TO YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. 

A PALE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD ALWAYS BE SOMETHING THE TWO PARTIES BENEFIT FROM.

AFTER YOU'VE MADE UP, MAKE SURE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT HOW YOU'VE BEEN FEELING, BUT ONCE AGAIN DON'T BLAME HER FOR IT. 

I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, BECAUSE NOT SLEEPING IN THE SAME PILE SUCKS.

-RK OUT.

[radiokarkat]

Hey Karkat!! I have a bit of a problem.. I really like this girl, and there's a chance she might like me too, but my parents don't really know i'm not part of our social 'norms' >< .. should i tell them and risk them banning me from more stuff (like dating) (they're sorta biased already) before asking her, or should i try to find a way to ask her without outing myself? is there a way to do it without her pitying me? or being disappointed for a multitude of understandable reasons?

RK: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, LUCKY FOR YOU I HAVE DONE MY RESEARCH ON THE WAY HUMANS VIEW THIS SHIT AND LET ME JUST SAY FOR THE RECORD: IT'S ALL WRONG. COMPLETELY WRONG. WHOEVER CAME UP WITH YOUR SOCIAL STRUCTURE AND IT'S "NORMS" DESERVES TO BE COURTED ROMANTICALLY AND VIGOROUSLY BY EQUIUS ZAHHAK. AND TAKEN ON A DATE BY HIM TO AN ART GALLERY.

THERE WOULD BE NO UNDERSTANDABLE REASON FOR HER TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, OTHER THEN  PERHAPS BECAUSE YOU HAD OTHER INTENTIONS BESIDES FRIENDSHIP IN MIND. THE OTHER SHIT SHOULD NOT EVEN COME INTO PLAY AND YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE, YOU CAN'T HELP IT. THAT'S DUMB. BELIEVE ME KID, I SHOULD KNOW. 

SECOND OF ALL, YOU DO NEED TO BE CAUTIOUS. THIS GIRL'S UPBRINGING BY A BUNCH OF JUDGMENTAL TOOLS MIGHT'VE LEFT HER UNEXPOSED TO THIS SORT OF THING, THAT'S APPARENTLY A BREAK FROM YOUR HUMAN CULTURAL NORMS, SO YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW WITH HER. 

I'D RECCOMEND TALKING TO HER FRIENDS FIRST IF YOU CAN, AND INDIRECTLY TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HER PREFERENCES LIE. IF YOU FIND OUT SHE'S UNDENIABLY  UM, WHAT WAS THE WORD?

STRAIGHT?

THEN I DON'T SEE THE POINT IN DRUMMING UP THE ISSUE.

BUT IF THERE'S NO OTHER WAY, YOU SHOULD JUST ASK. CAREFULLY AND TACTFULLY, BUT HONESTLY. THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO.

IF SHE LIKES YOU BACK, GREAT! I'LL TOSS THE FUCKING SEVERED SHEEP'S HEAD AT YOUR HUMAN WEDDING OR WHATEVER TRADITION THAT WAS.

IF SHE'S REALLY YOUR FRIEND, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE PAST THIS. IF SHE FINDS SHE CAN'T AT FIRST THEN IT'S PROBABLY DUE TO HER UPBRINGING AND YOU MAY JUST NEED TO BE PATIENT WITH HER. NOBODY'S PERFECT.

BUT IN THE END, YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. IF ANYONE'S GOING TO ACCEPT THAT, SHOULDN'T IT BE YOUR FRIENDS?

RK, OUT.

[radiokarkat]

I'm interested in someone, and she seemed pretty interested in me too. We went on a date and it was awesome, and it seemed like we hit it off... until suddenly dropping the "age difference" bomb even though it's only 5 years AND we're both adults (and it didn't seem to bother her before). Now, I'm getting the feeling that she's sending a lot of mixed signals, like she's still interested in dating--which I'd really enjoy. I'm just not certain though. What the hell do I do now?

RK: THERE'S THIS HOLE IN YOUR FACE, IT'S CALLED A MOUTH.

NOW, BEAR WITH ME HERE, THIS COULD GET TOUGH:

OPEN IT. 

MAKE SURE A SOUND THAT ROUGHLY TRANSLATES TO "ARE YOU INTERESTED IN DATING STILL"? COMES OUT

CLOSE IT.

YOU'RE WELCOME, SAILOR.

RK, OUT.

[radiokarkat]

Hey Karkat. I need a bit of quadrant advice. I am in this sort of moirallegiance triangle. But I often feel like a third wheel. Any tips on this kind of stuff? I know you are the expert on these things.

RK: HEY, I'M PROGRESSIVE. SOMETIMES POLYGAMY CAN WORK. YEAH, YEAH I KNOW HIGHBLOOD PROPAGANDA STATES THAT IT'S UNETHICAL, BUT WHATEVER MAKES YA HAPPY, IS WHAT I SAY.

BUT

I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE SOLUTION HERE, COMPADRE. WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO GET DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY HERE AND IT MAY NOT BE VERY COMFORTABLE, SO I HOPE YOU BROUGHT SOME PADDING FOR YOUR ASS.

FIRST OF ALL: YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSE'S AND EVERYONE DESERVES SOMEONE THEY CAN COUNT ON TO FILL THOSE NEEDS FOR THEM. THAT'S WHAT MOIRAILS ARE FOR.

BUT SITUATIONS LIKE THIS ARE HARD. IF IT REALLY NEEDS TO BE A PALE EXCHANGE INSTEAD OF JUST THE HUMAN DISEASE CALLED FRIENDSHIP THEN IT SHOULD BE DECIDED BASED ON NEED.

DOES ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE A GREATER EMOTIONAL NEED THEN YOU AT THE MOMENT? DOES YOUR OTHER FRIEND FILL IT? IF SO, THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET SOME SEMBLANCE OF RELIEF IN THIS STINKING SHITHOUSE OF A WORLD.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR A MOIRAIL YOU CAN DEPEND ON FULLY, BUT BOTH OF YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD BE ABLE TO TEAM UP TO HELP YOU IF YOU'RE "GOOD" FRIENDS. Y'KNOW, IF SUCH A THING EXISTS. AND YOU SHOULD BE READY TO HELP THEM, JUST REALIZE THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE TO RESPECT THEIR BOUNDARIES. 

HAH "GOOD FRIENDS". I'VE CERTAINLY NEVER ENCOUNTERED ONE AND I HAVE 12 TO CHOOSE FROM SO GOOD FUCKING LUCK.

[radiokarkat]

HeY MoThErFuCkInG BeSt fRiEnD, jUsT ThOuGhT I'D CaLl In aNd sAy hI. hI, hOnK! :o)

RK:  ...GAMZEE HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? I THINK I PAID OFF A FEW PEOPLE TO STOP DELIVERING TELEPHONE BOOKS TO DRUG STOPS JUST TO PREVENT THIS SORT OF TRAGEDY FROM OCCURING. 

*GROANS*

I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO PRETEND I DON'T KNOW YOU, IT'LL JUST CONFUSE YOU AND WASTE LOTS OF TIME, AND WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH I HAVE LEFT BEFORE I SNAP AND ELECTROCUTE MYSELF IN ABLUTION CHAMBER.

HI GAMZEE. NOT MUCH, JUST MAKING A LIVING.

THERE. YOU HAVE WHITTLED ME DOWN TO THE BAREST MINIMUM OF SELF RESPECT AND BECOME THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED ON THE RADIO WILLINGLY. I HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY, BEST FRIEND.

NOW NEVER CALL HERE AGAIN. 

...BUT FEEL FREE TO HIT ME UP ON MY PERSONAL LINE, OBVIOUSLY. IDIOT.

RK, OUT.

[radiokarkat]

Hello, Karkat! Just a question that has been bugging me for a while now: Matesprites are the closest thing that Trolls have to human romance, but that doesn't mean it's exactly like it. The love vs. pity thing, for instance. Can you expound on the differences between flushed/red/heart romance and human romance?

*CLEARS HIS THROAT*

RK: OKAY, HERE IS SOMETHING I WROTE ON LONG AGO THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING AGES TO ADD MORE COMMENTARY ON, SO I WILL JUST THANK YOU RANDOM CALLER FOR YOUR EXCEPTIONAL TASTE IN MY ROMANTIC THESIS, WHICH YOU OBVIOUSLY READ BECAUSE OF THE QUESTION YOU WERE ASKING.

MY IDEA OF TROLL ROMANCE IS BASED ON THE IDEA THAT HATE AND PITY ARE BOTH SIMILAR EMOTIONS, BASICALLY STEMMING FROM THE SAME DESIRE TO RELATE TO PEOPLE. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN RELATE TO SOMEONE IS TO SEE YOURSELF IN THEM. WHEN YOU PITY SOMEONE, YOU SEE SOMETHING IN THEM THAT RESONATES WITH YOU, SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF A PART OF YOURSELF IN SOME SMALL WAY AND THUS GIVES YOU THE INSIGHT TO EMPATHIZE. WHEN YOU PITY SOMEONE, YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THEM BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

WHEN YOU HATE SOMEONE, IN THEORY, YOU'RE SEEING A PART OF YOURSELF THAT YOU DON'T LIKE. SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PERSON RUBS YOU THE WRONG WAY BECAUSE IT UNSETTLES SOMETHING INSIDE YOU. PERHAPS IT MAKES YOU QUESTION YOUR PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE, YOUR CHOICES, PERHAPS IT JUST MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF. 

WHAT DO THOSE TWO THINGS HAVE IN COMMON? WELL, FIRST OF ALL THEY BOTH STEM FROM THE SAME PLACE: THE DESIRE TO SEE YOURSELF IN EVERYTHING. PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING SELF ABSORBED. BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, THAT'S HOW THEY UNDERSTAND THE WORLD AROUND THEM. THAT'S HOW THEY CAN REACH OUT TO OTHER PEOPLE!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? IT MEANS HATE AND PITY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING!  THEY MAY BE EXPRESSED IN DIFFERENT WAYS, BUT THEY'RE BOTH INTENSE, PASSIONATE WAYS TO REACT TO OTHERS. THE FACT THAT TROLL ROMANCE RECOGNIZES HATE AS THIS INVERTED EQUIVALENT TO PITY IS WHY I THEORIZE THAT OUR QUADRANTS ARE SUPERIOR TO YOUR HUMAN CONGLOMERATION OF ALL OF THEM.

NOW, THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT TO CLARIFY:

THIS IS MY FUCKING THEORY. THE THEORY OF HATE AND PITY, WRITTEN BY KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS. IT'S A WAY TO EXPLAIN WHERE LOVE  AND HATE MIGHT COME FROM ON AN ANALYTIC LEVEL, NOT TO PROVE IT DOESN'T EXIST.

THIS IS NOT HOW OTHER TROLLS TYPICALLY VIEW ROMANCE! I SUPPOSE A LOT OF YOU HUMANS HAVE UNDERSTANDABLY BEEN TAKEN IN BY MY AMAZING WRITINGS ON THE SUBJECT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT TROLLS DON'T HAVE A CONCEPT OF LOVE. MOST TROLLS SAY "I LOVE YOU" NOT "I PITY YOU".

SO IT BASICALLY INVALIDATES YOUR QUESTION. TROLLS LOVE JUST AS MUCH AS HUMANS, AND VIEW LOVE BASICALLY THE SAME WAY, THEY JUST VIEW HATE AS EQUALLY IMPORTANT. OF COURSE THERE ARE MANY MORE DIFFERENCES, BUT THIS SIMPLIFIED VERSION HANDLES ALL FOUR QUADRANTS NICELY AT LEAST ON THE BASEST LEVEL.

*SIGHS LOUDLY*

WOW, IT FELT GOOD TO SAY ALL THAT. THIS IS WHY I MISS GRADUATE SCHOOL. ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES TO TALK UNTIL MY PREHENSILE SALIVA WAND FALLS OUT.

RK OUT.

((ooc: this is actually true, the notion hate/pity being the two emotions trolls can feel was invented by karkat! at least in homestuck. it actually stems from theories by known psychologists, but i think andrew hussie made karkat rant about as a parody of those theories. either that or he really thinks a 12 year old rage troll has the ability to unlock the secrets of life and love.

personally i think this theory makes lots of sense, but as karkat said, (now much older than 12 years old and with much less of an inflated ego, if you can possibly believe that) you must take theories with a grain of salt.

you know love exists. everyone does, because most people have felt it, at least once.))

[radiokarkat]

Today was my last day of school and in my idiocy I gave my friend my address and forgot to give her my number and I don't even have hers! Also she a year younger than me so when I go to high school, I'll have to wait an entire year to see her and both my parents- er lusii said basically there's no chance of us being friends anymore if we see eachother again, do you agree with them?

KID, YOUR LUSII ARE BEING NEGATIVE DUNDERFUCKS ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THERE'S REALLY NO TELLING HOW A PERSON WILL FEEL--DISTANCE AND TIME KILLS SOME FRIENDSHIPS, YES, BUT NOT ALL. IT DEPENDS ON THE GODDAMN PEOPLE.

PERSONALLY I HOPE THEIR DEAD WRONG BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN SOME OF MY FRIENDS IN YEARS BUT I STILL THINK OF THEM AS MY FRIENDS (EVEN IF THEY WERE  ALL A BUNCH OF NOOKCHAFING SETIENT TUMORS).

[radiokarkat]

Karkat, I got some heavy shit going on. I thinkpan is finding it hard to comprehend what the actual fuck just happened, and I know the smoke fumes aren't responsible. My former matesprit and now possible kismesis fucking lost all her shit and is infected with some human-rabies disease, her crazy ass lusus is helping her go around and kill people, and my real kismesis is now helping me. And he's her matesprit. SHIT. I need to lock all the doors now, I heard a howl. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

...

HERE

LISTEN TO THIS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WTD9yj3puA

*AUDIO PLAYS*

OF COURSE THE TROLL VERSION IS INFINITELY BETTER, BUT THE MESSAGE RESONATES IN THAT SAME MAJESTIC MANNER.... LIKE A BALLOON RELEASING HELIUM.

[radiokarkat]

Thank you SOOOO much!!!! I feel so much better now! You're so nice and so special and dedicated to your work. Keep up the good work. Also, I actually don't have a tumblr, but I have an e-mail! Will that be okay? Sorry If my question feels stupid, I acutally feel nervous typeing this to you because your sooo amazing for helping me out! Hopefully talk to you soon! From, Kaitlyn, The Mage of Blood

((ooc: :) I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better, Kaitlyn and yes, you can  leave me an email adress in this askbox.  I won't publish it of course, for your protection. But I'll send you an email so you can know mine and yada yada.I know what it's like to just need to talk to someone.

-Baddy)).

[radiokarkat]

Hey. Could you help me out, please? I feel so alone in the world, unwanted. I feel like "Abstract Nonsense" by Rin Kagamine.(If you don't know what that is, look it up on youtube, if you want to, of course). My life feels empty and I feel I don't belong anymore. I know its useless to ask you to help me, because I know you have more important buisiness to take care of. Sorry to waste your time with my pathtic life question. From, Kaitlyn, The Mage of Blood

HEY MAN

LADY

WHATEVER SOCIAL CONSTRUCT YOU ASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH

ACTUALLY WAIT, YOU PROVIDED A NAME SO I'LL CALL YOU KAITLYN

KAITLYN ARE YOU LISTENING? ARE THESE SOUND WAVES BOUNCING OFF YOUR AVIDLY PRICKED CARTILAGE NUBS? IS MY VOICE COMING OUT LOUD AND CLEAR?

GOOD.

I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR THE SURVIVOR OF A  SHIPWRECK, FLOATING ON A LONELY BUCKET IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OCEAN OF PISS-- THE PISS BEING LIFE-- AND SOMETIMES WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN YOU JUST HAVE TO FLOAT FOR A WHILE UNTIL YOU GET YOUR ENERGY BACK. BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY GET ANYWHERE IS TO START STEERING THAT BUCKET. BECOME THE CAPTAIN, KAITLYN. TAKE THE MOTHERFUCKING PISSHELM OF YOUR OWN VESSEL OF REPRODUCTION AND EVENTUALLY-- IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME-- YOU'LL HIT DRY LAND.

IF YOUR LIFE FEELS EMPTY, MAKE AN EFFORT TO FILL IT UP WITH THINGS (AND POSSIBLY PEOPLE) YOU ENJOY...OR AT LEAST TOLERATE TO A DEGREE. I KNOW PERSONALLY UNLESS I'M SURROUNDED BY PATHETIC DOUCHELOCKERS 24/7 AND HELPING SOMEONE OUT OF SOME JAM THEN I FEEL EMPTY AND ALONE AS WELL. I LOSE MY FUCKING MARBLES. CONSIDER IT MY GIFT AND CURSE. . 

TROLLS AND HUMANS SHARE THIS QUALITY: THEY'RE RULED BY PASSION. YOU JUST NEED TO FIND YOURS AGAIN. TAKE YOUR TIME AND DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY, MANY OTHERS DO AND MOST PEOPLE DO GO THROUGH THIS AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES.

I MEAN IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE, YOU COULD BE A MUTANT WITH NUBBY HORNS WHO IS SINGULARILY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF A UNIVERSE. JUST SAYIN'

TAKE IT EASY, KAITLYN, OR I'LL HAVE TO BITCH YOU OUT AGAIN, ALRIGHT? AND I'M SURE NOBODY WANTS THAT.

RADIOKAT OUT.

((ooc:

if you ever need to talk to a real person or would like a friend just message this account again under a username and I'll give you my tumblr id, i mean i'm not anyone special but i'm always willing to listen and make new friends ))

[radiokarkat]

I have a problem. I have fallen for you, yet I know you will not reciprocate these feelings, Captain Karkat. Hehe, try to humiliate me though! I'd like to see how this works personally!

IT'S OKAY BRAVE SAILOR, THE CAPTAIN RECOGNIZES THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM MANY HUMANS TEND TO HAVE WHEN THEY HEAR MY VOICE.

IT'S EMBARASSING BUT DON'T WORRY IT'S NOT AN UNCOMMON AFFLICTION.

THERE ARE MANY OTHERS JUST LIKE YOU, WHO CAN BARELY KEEP THEIR CLUMSY MEAT STUBS OFF THEIR PRIVATES WHEN THEY TUNE THEIR AUDITORY CARITILAGE NUBS THE HOT STREAM OF ROMANCE MOJO I GIVE OFF. 

THERE ARE PROBABLY SUPPORT GROUPS FOR THIS BY NOW, JUST CHECK A PHONE BOOK.

[radiokarkat]

2up douchebag

OH LOOK A RANDOM PERSON I DO NOT KNOW CALLING IN TO WASTE MY PRECIOUS TIME.

AND HE HAS A LISP. I AM AIRING THIS FOR THE SPECIFIC PURPOSE OF ALLOWING PEOPLE TO MOCK YOUR LISP.

YOU CAN SEND ME A HANDWRITTEN THANK YOU NOTE FOR YOUR TWO SECONDS OF FAME, YOU POOR BASTARD.

[radiokarkat]

I have a problem and since you're the only one who would listen, I thought I'd ask you. My moirail is leaving tomorrow to move to another state (a different location for humans) and it greatly saddens me. She's been the best moirail of all time! She even loves to watch romcoms with me! <> How can I deal with the grief of losing her to distance? :(

A LONG DISTANCE MOIRIALLEGIANCE IS A SUCKY SITUATIONTO BE IN AND "I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO" BECAUSE I AM CURRENTLY IN ONE MYSELF.

BUT IF YOU TWO ARE REALLY TIGHT THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS. REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE TO PUT FORTH THE EFFORT TO MAINTAIN THE RELATIONSHIP THOUGH, YOU BOTH DO.

DISTANCE IS A STRAIN, BUT IT IS NOT AN INSURMOUNTABLE OBSTACLE. MAKE SURE TO HAVE A HABIT OF CONTACTING EACHOTHER AT CERTAIN TIMES, BUT DON'T TRY TO PUT TOO MUCH STRESS ON EACHOTHER EITHER.

I'D SAY TALK ONCE EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS OR AT NIGHT IF YOU HAVE THE TIME, THAT WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. FACE TO FACE RELATIONSHIPS HAVE THE BENEFIT OF BEING ABLE TO SIT IN COMPANIONABLE SILENCE, AND THAT'S BEING TAKEN FROM YOU.

BUT YOU CARE ABOUT HER RIGHT? SO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT! A MOIRAIL IS NOTHING THAT SHOULD GO TO WASTE. THEY CAN KEEP YOU SANE.

OR ...AT LEAST NON-INSTITUTIONALIZED IN MY CASE.

[radiokarkat]

(nice blog i actually enjoyed this compared to a lot of off class karkats when i get my net back ill let ya know if you want i can do some audios for you because well i enjoy voice acting the males since i cant va a female lol)

(Always willing to accept other voice contributions bro! Just let me know and thanks :D)