He nodded in understanding. It was the same reason Ray had chosen to come here. A chance at a new life. Did it hurt a little that Rafe hadn’t tracked him down all the way to Faerune? Maybe a little. But it’s likely everyone had presumed him dead by now. Fuck. His family. “Hey uh…have you talked to my family at all? My folks? Dottie? I need to know how they’re takin’ the whole ‘missing’ thing.” He sent letters, and flowers, but never with a proper return address.
His expression softens, eyes glistening with tears beginning to well up. Ray knew Rafe had his back, but to hear it allowed, after so many years on the run. It was a lot to take in. “I ‘preciate it man, really.”
The older wolf shook his head, turning his attention to the amber liquid of his beer. He…hadn’t told anyone. But Rafe was the one person who at least deserved to know. And…and his partners. But Ray was scared of how they would react if he told them the truth. “Do you remember the Moore kid? It was the last case I was on til…ya know. You’d filed for vacation time around then, so it was jus’ me.”
Ray took a large swig of his beer, needing the encouragement. “Grew up in the system, an’ that’s what got him killed. He was brutalized by that fuckin’ piece of shit foster dad of his. It…it brought back a lotta memories. Shit I’d seen in the system too. 30 years later you’d think it wouldn’ be as broken. Anyway, the case was easy enough. Simple open an’ shut type deal. Prick wasn’ smart about covering his tracks.”
But that was the thing. They had seen so many cases like the Moore kid. Dealt with so many shitstains pretending to be human that this should have been another drop in the bucket. “I…I never told ya. Or anyone. Was afraid to look weak, get forced to see that asshole shrink they used to have at the station. But all of it was startin’ to get to me. Loved doin’ the work. Fuck, still miss it, every god damn day. But I guess after 12 years ya start breakin’ down if you don’ talk that shit out with no one.”
Ray finished off his beer and waved for the bartender to bring another. He wished he had something stronger to take the edge off…but Rafe needed to know, deserved to know. And he had to do this sober whether he liked it or not. “Got a lead on the shit the day before a full moon, so went out to get ‘im. It was a pretty routine arrest til he…”
He had to pause, his breath becoming more uneven as his hands shook. “The fucker laughed and said no one was gonna miss some orphan trash. An’ I lost it. I…I just. I beat the ever loving shit outta him til there was nothin’ left. Someone musta called the Five-0, cuz it took four officers to pry me off’a him.”
The older wolf slowly shook his head. “That’s when I ran. Knew I’d be more a danger to others’ if I got locked up. Ain’t no judge out there in the real world gonna believe me if I said ‘hey, I’m a god damn werewolf, just like the movies, so don’ put be in general pop.’ I’da killed too many people, made it all so much worse.”
As the new beer got placed in front of him, Ray chugged nearly the entire thing in one go. “So there ya go. That’s what happened.”
One of the first things Rafe had done after James had disappeared was to check in with his family. He had had no information to give them, but he had wanted them to know that he was not going to give up hope of seeing James again either. "I did, for a good while after you had gone. They were as upset and confused as I was. I wanted to give them more assurance that you were alright, but I could only tell them the same thing I had been telling myself: that I believed you were alright. I haven't been in contact with them since I left New York though, but I'm guessing you don't want me to tell them that I've found you?" He could only assume so, if James did not tell them himself where he was.
Rafe nodded. It had taken time for him to warm up to James, after the harshness of his own family, but once they had become friends, there was no way he would betray him. "Putting anything other than friendship first is something the rest of my family would do, but I never will."
He listened as James told his story. Yes, Rafe remembered the Moore kid, and he also remembered why he had not been on the case too. He had not known how much it all was getting to James. He wished he had before he had taken the time off. "I do, yeah. Sorry I wasn't on the case with you. Sorry I wasn't there." Would his presence have made a difference? Would he have been able to step in in time? Rafe wanted to think so, but he was not so sure.
"It can hurt when you keep things inside," he said quietly. Rafe might not have understood James' exact mindset, but he knew what it was like to carry painful memories. "You wouldn't have looked weak, but I can get why you didn't want to say anything. It's hard to bring things like that up. Always just want to keep it buried if you can."
He also damn well understood how unstable a wolf could become around the full moon. Rafe had always tried to avoid aggravation as much as he could at that time, which was never easy with his family or with being a cop. So knowing something which hit so close to home for James had been what set him off came as no surprise, nor did Rafe judge him for reacting the way he had. He took a moment after James finished. watching him drink down the beer before he spoke again.
"I don't blame you for reacting that way. I know we're supposed to try and control our urges, even around the full moon, but somehow it never gets any easier. It's still a pain to rein it all in, no matter how many years pass. And being a cop is the same. So yeah, I can't say what you did was no big deal, but I sure as hell can't condemn you for it." Being in jail would have been even worse, so he did not blame James for running either. "I get why you left, I do. I just...I still would have liked to know you were ok. Even if you hadn't wanted to tell me where you were."
