raffertyesque

[raffertyesque]

2016 and Also Some Pennies.

I saw 33 movies in theaters in 2016. Four more than 2015! Good job, me. They were (more or less in order of release):

Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World, Hail, Caesar!, Deadpool, Zootopia, Midnight Special, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Captain America: Civil War, The Jungle Book, Green Room, Keanu, Finding Dory, Everybody Wants Some!!, Raiders: The Greatest Fan Film Ever Made, Sing Street, Ghostbusters, The Nice Guys, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, Star Trek Beyond, Central Intelligence, Hunt For The Wilderpeople, For The Love Of Spock, The Lost Arcade, Snowden, Captain Fantastic, Doctor Strange, Arrival, Moana, Edge of Seventeen, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them, La La Land, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Manchester By The Sea

Still on my list of things to see are: Moonlight, Don’t Think Twice, and Paterson. They may or may not have been on my top ten, but WE'LL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE.

Before I get on with ten movies that are on the top ten, some honorable mentions…

The “Sorry La La Land, I Don’t Like Movies That Romanticize Hollywood” Award goes to La La Land. Don’t get me wrong, La La Land was great, but I’m grading on a curve here, and I have an aversion to movies that are 80% Hollywood patting itself on the back. Albeit in an extremely charming fashion with some catchy musical numbers.

Midnight Special wins the “See, Michael Shannon Isn’t Always Creepy!” Award. Midnight Special is great, and would have made my top ten in virtually any other year, but I saw a lot of great movies this year… and Midnight Special is one of them. Let’s call it #11 on my top ten.

Captain America: Civil War, Deadpool, and Doctor Strange all share the “I Think Marvel™ Fatigue Has Finally Set In, Guys” Award. They were all perfectly entertaining films, I have nothing bad to say about them, but man, at this point I think I gotta take a breather on these things, or maybe just a nap.

All four documentaries I saw in 2016— Lo and Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World, The Lost Arcade, For The Love Of Spock, and Raiders!: The Greatest Fan Film Ever Made— get mentions. Sup. You’re mentioned. They were all fine. They were fine. Raiders! is probably the strongest of the bunch, but overall, not a great year for documentaries. (Disclaimer: I have not seen Zero Days or Weiner.)

I didn’t see any outright bad movies in 2016. (In theaters, that is… I saw plenty of 2016 releases on transcontinental flights, and they were universally terrible… notably Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman.) (Okay, so mostly just DC Cinematic Universe movies.) Point is, I’ll just give Snowden The Most Boring Film Of The Year Award. Somehow Citizenfour, which just tells the events as they happened managed to be more interesting and dramatic than the dramatized version of events JGL and Co. mustered up. Meh.

Moving on to the top ten…

10) Finding Dory - Sort of like Monsters University in 2013, it felt wrong leaving a non-Cars Pixar movie off my top ten, so congratulations Dory, you did it. With a heaping help of Hank. And Sigourney Weaver.

9) Star Trek Beyond - Listen all of y'all it's sabataage.

8) Sing Street - AKA La La Land By Way Of 1980s Ireland. I mean, not really, it's about a bunch of kids putting together a far-too-competent band and recording some far-more-believeable shitty music videos, but as far as musicals go, I'm on team Sing Street through and through, and if you watch it (it's on Netflix!) you will be too. It swings baby, it swings!

7) Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping - Simultaneously the funniest and the funnest film I saw in 2016. Popstar is not high art, but it definitely achieves what it sets out to do (lambast celebrity culture and everything that goes along with it) and does so in a lean 86 minutes. Clearly someone must have distracted producer Judd Apatow in the edit bay, or else it would have been an hour longer than it was. (Although, hey, I could have done with another 45 minutes of Will Arnett as TMZ Guy. So great.)

6) 10 Cloverfield Lane - I left the theater thinking that 10 Cloverfield Lane was like Metroid Prime. Both would stand better on their own, not weighed down with the baggage of their respective franchises. Despite the baggage, 10 Cloverfield Lane is still a great psychological thriller that leaves you guessing even past the end credits, which I was totally into, but if you like your endings unambiguous, the Cloverfield “franchise” is probably not for you.

5) Zootopia - There's a lot of heavy topics addressed on this list (xenophobia, psychological abuse, bullying, ableism, sabataage), and I saw a lot of them coming, but what I did not see coming was addressing systemic racism in the kids' movie with the talking animals. I'll be damned, though, Zootopia kinda nailed it. And managed to be super entertaining while doing it. Sidenote: Jason Bateman should only be allowed to play foxes going forward. He's a natural.

4) The Nice Guys - Take The Big Lebowski, throw in some Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, add a dash of Boogie Nights and you’ve got The Nice Guys. Those are some great movies, and so is this. Make it happen.

3) Arrival - Not to be confused with The Arrival (way different movie). Arrival came out the Friday after the presidential election, and countless thinkpieces were written about how it's the perfect movie for this particular moment in time. And, well, I agree? (Controversial, as always, Rafferty.) Science fiction has a long history of showing humanity the way forward in tumultuous times, and Arrival does just that. I mean, we're not going to listen to its message, but hey, nice of it to give it a try. If you ever need a good pick me up that doubles as a nice put me down, Arrival is your movie.

2) Moana - Hot take: Moana is better than Frozen. Fight me. They’re both great, to be clear, but Moana's songs are better (fight me!), and Moana herself is a more interesting character than Anna and Elsa put together. I also liked Maui subverting expectations every step of the way. (Going in, I was like, is The Rock the villain? Waaaaaaa? Before realizing he isn’t.) (Or is he?) (He isn't.) (OR IS HE?)

1) Hunt For The Wilderpeople - In any other year, any of the top five movies on this list could be my number one movie of the year, but something about Hunt For The Wilderpeople tickled me just right. I went in cold, knowing only that Sam Neil was in it and it was a Taika Waititi joint, and that's how you should go into it too. (The trailer gives waaaay too much away.) Suffice it to say, it's hilarious, heart-warming, heart… cooling (?), and the best movie I saw in 2016.

[raffertyesque]

Two Thousand and Fifteen Moving Pictures

I saw 28 movies in theaters in 2015. They were (roughly in order of release date):

Ex Machina, Mistress America, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, Jupiter Ascending, It Follows, Trainwreck, Furious 7, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Pitch Perfect 2, Mad Max: Fury Road, Tomorrowland, Spy, Inside Out, The Assassin, Jurassic World, Magic Mike XXL, The Overnight, Ant-Man, Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, Room, The Martian, Goodnight Mommy, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2, The Good Dinosaur, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Spotlight, The Hateful Eight, Anomalisa

First, some honorable mentions, then the top ten.

The Avengers 2, Mission : Impossible 5, and Pitch Perfect 2 all win the award for “Competent, But Worse Sequels to Films That Have Topped My List In Previous Years.” All three were entertaining, but all they really made me want to do was watch their (better) predecessors again.

Room wins the award for “Best Movie That I Never Want to See Again.” Room is a really really good movie, but dear lord, it is emotionally draining. Everyone should see it, but make sure you’re in a good mood going in, because if you’re feeling lousy, it is not going to help.

Trainwreck wins the award for “Yet Another Good Judd Apatow Film About Stunted Adulthood” (a topic near and dear to my heart), but for fuck’s sake, there’s no reason for these movies to be two hour plus affairs. When something like Ant-Man— which is burdened with a bunch of dumb tie-ins for movies that don’t even exist yet— still manages to be shorter than Trainwreck, you’ve got a problem. Judd, we get it, your friends are funny, hire a more ruthless editor.

Worst movie of the year is tough because nothing was outright terrible (which I guess means I’m being a little more selective about what I’m seeing in theaters?) (go me?). That said, I don’t know if it was the worst movie, but Tomorrowland was far and away the most disappointing thing I saw this year. Brad Bird, man, what happened? Half of Tomorrowland is super interesting world-building, and the other half is just some inert action sequences and George Clooney being grumpy. Not great.

Okay, on with the top ten, folks.

10) Star Wars: The Force Awakens – I’ll be upfront with all y’all… I do not care about Star Wars. I’ve seen the prequels once, and the original trilogy like, twice? Maybe? The Rafferty household was a Star Trek household, and we liked it that way, dammit. That said… The Force Awakens was very entertaining. BB8 deserves an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Acting Thing. And I will probably watch this one more than twice. It’s my favorite Star Wars movie. Sorry, purists.

9) Furious 7 – I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.

8) Anomalisa – Charlie Kaufman is my favorite screenwriter currently writing screens, so I had pretty high expectations going into Anomalisa, despite having no idea what to expect. And it was very good. No spoilers, but there’s a point about halfway through the movie when it gets a bit meta (as Kaufman joints frequently do), and I wish that it continued down that path, but it quickly pulls back. Next time, maybe.

7) Spy – There are a lot of things to love about Spy (#AllisonJanney4eva), but for me, the realization that Jason Statham has some serious comedic chops was the highlight. I’m not sure if he can play any other character than “exaggerated Jason Statham type” but even if that’s the extent of his range, that’s plenty.

6) Ex Machina – Ex Machina is that rare fourth season episode of the Twilight Zone that doesn’t overstay its welcome after 52 minutes. Poe Dameron and General Hux both put in great performances, but Alicia Vikander steals the show as Ava. She passes the Turing Test. (She does not pass the Bechdel Test, however.) (Can’t win ‘em all.)

5) Magic Mike XXL – If you had told me in 2014 that one of my favorite films of 2015 was going to be a road trip movie about a bunch of male strippers driving a froyo truck up the east coast, I totally would have believed you, because that sounds like a Magic Mike movie, and I loves me some Magic Mike. The first Magic Mike movie is great, but it starts taking itself a little too seriously in the third act. The most serious scene in MMXXL on the other hand, involves Channing Tatum telling a girl he loves cookies and hates red velvet cake. Magic Mike takes his desserts very seriously. And we love him for it.

4) The Martian – Vice (among others) called The Martian “competence porn” and I think they mean that in the nicest way possible. The highest praise, though, comes from my mom, who managed to make it through the entire film without falling asleep. Good job, mom.

3) It Follows – The smartest horror movie since Cabin In The Woods? Probably. Just unending dread from start to finish. Really great. Top notch soundtrack, too. All horror movies should be set in Detroit going forward.

2) Inside Out – If you had told me in 2014 that one of my favorite films of 2015 was going to take place in the brain of an 11 year-old girl, I totally would have believed you, because that sounds like a Charlie Kaufman movie. Turns out it’s actually a Pixar movie, but it’s still amazing. It is the least visually impressive Pixar movie since, like, Toy Story, but that makes the story pop that much more. If it isn’t nominated for Best Picture, I’m ripping up my Academy membership card.

1) Mad Max: Fury Road – Can you think of a better action movie than Mad Max: Fury Road? I’m not sure I can. The Matrix was pretty good I guess, but did The Matrix have a Doof Warrior? I don’t think it did. Terminator 2 was a lot of fun, but it had a distinct lack of lady biker gangs. I don’t know where Fury Road falls in the pantheon of action movies, but it’s up there. Hell, it’s up there in movies, period.

[raffertyesque]

$20.14, Easy.

I just went to post my Best Movies of 2015 list and realized I never posted the 2014 list. Huh. Really could have sworn I did that. Fortunately I had this sitting around. Crisis averted!

I saw 34 movies in theaters in 2014. This number was aided considerably by attending Fantastic Fest in Austin where I saw— no joke— 20 films in five days. I’ve only included the ones that had theatrical releases in the United States in 2014 in my count, but still, thatsawholelottamovies.

ANYWAY.

Here’s the movie list, roughly in order of release date:

Obvious Child, The Guest, Dear White People, Boyhood, The Lego Movie, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Jodorowsky’s Dune, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Only Lovers Left Alive, Under The Skin, Godzilla, X-Men: Days of Future Past, How To Train Your Dragon 2, Edge Of Tomorrow, 22 Jump Street, The Internet’s Own Boy, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, Guardians Of The Galaxy, Lucy, Birdman, The Imitation Game, The Boxtrolls, Nightcrawler, The Skeleton Twins, Gone Girl, John Wick, Big Hero 6, Force Majeure, Citizenfour, Interstellar, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, The Babadook, Into The Woods

Some Honorable Mentions before the top ten:

Under The Skin and Interstellar both win the Raffertyesque Award for “Scifi Movies That Are Trying Little Too Hard For My Taste But Have Amazing Soundtracks.” So at least there’s that.

I’m giving Captain America: The Winter Soldier and X-Men: Days Of Future Past the Raffertyesque Award for “Excellence in Comic Book Movie-Making, But For Fuck’s Sake, We Can Only Reasonably Put One Of These Movies on a Top Ten List Per Year, So Sorry, Guardians Of The Galaxy Wins This Time Around.” They were both pretty good.

Obvious Child wins the award for “Making a Comedy About Abortion, Which Is A Really Hard Thing To Make A Movie About.” It’s a dark comedy, but still, that counts. Jenny Slate, everybody.

“The Worst Movie of the Year That I Saw In Theaters” is clearly The Amazing Spider-Man 2. What a pile of garbage. The first Amazing Spider-Man was not great, but it was more or less an exact remake of the original 2002 Spider-Man movie, which was pretty good movie. This one, though, man. Normally it takes a franchise three or four movies to go this far off the rails, but Spidey pulled it off in two! Great work, Peter. But, hey, like whatever though, NBD, right?

Okay, let’s forget about all that with some non-terrible movies, eh? Yeah? Yeah!

#10 – Nightcrawler – I am predisposed to enjoy any film that portrays Los Angeles in a negative light, and equally apt to like any movie that even vaguely reminds me of The Cable Guy, which Nightcrawler definitely does (weird somewhereonthespectrum loner obsessed with television who is way too into his job and never really learns anything? √. √. √. √.)

#9 – Edge of Tomorrow – Say what you will about Tom Cruise (nothing good, probably), but the dude knows how to pick scifi scripts. Edge Of Tomorrow is basically the Hero’s Duty portion of Wreck-It Ralph in live action form, and believe it or not, that’s a good thing. If there was an Academy Award for “Best Use of Montage” this would win it hands down.

#8 – Guardians of the Galaxy – We are Groot.

#7 – The Internet’s Own Boy: The Story of Aaron Swartz – 2014 was a particularly good year for documentaries, and The Internet’s Own Boy is the one closest to my heart. I didn’t know Aaron Swartz and only saw him speak once, but damn, what an amazing human. His death was preventable, and the government (and MIT) should (and won’t) be held accountable. The world is a worse place without him. There are some other documentaries on this list, but this is the only one that made me cry.

#6 – The Lego Movie – The Lego Movie did not need to be a good film, it could have totally phoned it in and made a few hundred million and that would have been fine. The fact that it has an amazing heart and something to say in addition to being seriously funny is icing on the plastic Dutch-made cake.

#5 – The Grand Budapest Hotel – I called Moonrise Kingdom my favorite Wes Anderson movie when it came out, and now I think I need to make The Grand Budapest Hotel my new favorite Wes Anderson movie. I don’t know if his movies are getting more Wes Andersony, or if I’m just becoming more susceptible to them. Whatever the case, keep ‘em coming, Wesley Wales Anderson. (Actual name.)

#4 – Citizenfour – Citizenfour should not be as compelling as it is. It’s basically a prequel to the whole Edward Snowden Story, and prequels normally have the narrative problem of the audience already knowing what has happened and are kind of boring as a result. Citizenfour somehow avoids this… or at least explores some previously unknown ground that is super interesting. And hey, any movie with Nine Inch Nails on the soundtrack automatically makes this list. So that helps too.

#3 – The Guest – I saw The Guest under optimal circumstances; I knew virtually nothing about it going in, and I saw it in a packed theater at Fantastic Fest. And I loved it. It is very John Carpenteresque. (You like John Carpenter, right?) If you liked John Wick (which I’m declaring #11 on this list), but wish it was a slower boil, cue this up. You will not be disappointed.

#2 – Jodorowsky’s Dune – I would watch Alejandro Jodorowsky do virtually anything. Give him a cooking show on Food Network. Make him a judge on The Voice. Have him host a late night style show with Werner Herzog as the bandleader. (Okay, that’s actually a really great idea.) Watching Jodorowsky talk passionately about his 14 hour film adaptation of a science fiction novel that he never even read while casually name-dropping Orson Welles and Mick Jagger and Salvador Dalí will brighten any day.

#1 – Boyhood – It only took 12 years, but it paid off. I can’t think of another type of movie that would benefit as greatly from Boyhood’s “gimmick” (if you can call it that), the coming of age story is tough to beat. The gimmick never feels gimmicky, is the thing (maybe “conceit” is a better word?), it’s just very matter-of-factly, here’s this kid’s story, things happen, life happens. I usually walk out of movies thinking they would be better if they were 10 to 20 minutes shorter. I would watch another hour of Boyhood, though, easy. Really amazing.

[raffertyesque]

☞ Global Frowning Sweeps… Globe?

“I drank what?”

- Socrates, 399 BC.

I’ve always said that there’s a finite amount of happiness in the world. That is to say, there’s only so much happiness to go around, and if one person becomes happy, another is becoming sad somewhere else. It’s a balance. A yin and a yang, if you will.

Anyway, I’ve always said this, but I’ve also thought it was bullshit.

Here’s the thing, though, I’m slowly coming around to my own bullshit. Well, sorta. I’m revising the theory a little and I’m spinning it further into the abyss. I’ve always been a “glass is half empty and the part that isn’t empty is full of deadly poison” kind of guy, after all.

The revised theory states that not only is there a finite amount of happiness, it’s been a fixed quantity since the beginning, and has been becoming diluted more and more as humanity has proliferated.

You see, in the beginning there was universal happiness. Everything was hunky-dory. Then came the first child. Then the kid started crying because it was hungry. The first bit of unhappiness. The kid was fed, and became happy but then the dad was a little sad. “Shit, is it going to do that every time it gets hungry? That’s going to get old fast.”

Now I can’t prove this any more than I can prove global warming, so therefore I’m declaring this just as plausible as global warming. So if you believe in global warming, then you believe in the Pat Rafferty Theory of Happiness… better known as “global frowning.”

Likewise, if you don’t believe in global warming, then you’re probably a cranky old curmudgeon, since all the young kids are worried about the ozone layer and all of that other ballyhoo. Ergo, you’re grumpy, and therefore also a contributing factor towards global frowning.

And hey, who knows, maybe global warming and global frowning are linked. Maybe all the chloroflorines in the atmosphere are making us sad. Maybe all of our sadness is making us eat our feelings, and our feelings are hamburgers, and all the cows that make those hamburgers are farting a lot and contributing to global frowning. Err, global warming. Whatever. Stupid humans.

“I just want something I can never have.”

- Trent Reznor, sometime in the 1990s, probably.

Humans are drawn to things just out of our reach. It’s in our nature. This starts right after birth, and continues pretty much until we’re dead.

When we’re babies, we’re always grabbing for stuff we want. Stuffed animals, building blocks, mommy’s boobies, et cetera. Then we grow up, we start going for slightly larger things. Cars, houses, bigger boobies. Eventually we start wanting things by proxy, things that aren’t even for us. Better schools for our kids, healthcare or our employees, money for our shareholders. Some of us wind up holding political office, and want things for our nation. Higher standards of living, natural resources, and sure, occasionally boobies. (Rafferty in 2016: Boobies For Everyone!)

At the heart of all this is the idea that we want things we don’t have. And in many cases, things we shouldn’t have. Things just out of our reach. The best things of all are of course things we can never have. I really want the to own the moon, but chances are that’s not going to happen… pretty sure China has already called dibs.

The problem is it’s hard to be happy. More often than not, when you finally get what you want, you don’t even want it anymore. Or perhaps more likely, once you do get what you want, you want something better. At some point virtually everyone has said “if I just had a few hundred/thousand(/million?) more dollars, I’d be in good shape.”

The kicker is the moment you got that money, you’d want more. Everybody just wants to do a little better. You can always do better. And you think you’ll be happy once you do, and maybe you will… for a little while. But then you’ll want more. Stupid humans.

“A bear is just a man who made a choice.”

- Kris Straub, 2009

A few years back I made a decision in my life to make two people happy (myself and someone else) at the expensive of another person’s happiness. (Spoiler: relationships are complicated.) This was a pretty selfish move on my part, but it seemed like the right move at the time. I like being happy. Who doesn’t. Big fan.

Hindsight is a television news show on ABC though, and as it turns out, that decision was a pretty dick move on my part, and basically the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. Which is saying something… I’ve done some pretty lousy stuff over the years. (Sorry for endorsing Superman Returns everyone, it seemed pretty decent at the time.)

Time heals all (non-mortal) wounds, though, and now all parties involved are happier (albeit no longer really very close with one and other). But hey, it only took the better part of a decade for everything to be hunky-dory!

Do I regret what I did? Of course. If I could go back in time and undo it, would I? No, if I could go back in time I would kill Hitler, come on here. Dealing with my petty shit would be selfish. I’m done being selfish. Sorry Hitler, thems the breaks. Nothing personal. (Actually, no, pretty personal.) (Sorry.) (Not sorry.)

Anyway, here we are, seven years later, and everyone is happy. Right? Well, happy-ish, anyway.

Point is, sometimes you need to do the wrong thing before you can do the right thing. You need to be sad before you’re happy, and sometimes you need to get the thing you think you want before you realize you don’t want it.

Unfortunately, the only way to figure all this out is to make some pretty dumb mistakes along the way. Stupid humans.

[raffertyesque]

If you’re organizing a conference about CSVs, the website is kind of a no-brainer. [via]

[raffertyesque]

Pretty great. I’d say it’s a parody (and it is), but when actual surveys produce equally insane results, the distinction becomes a bit muddled. [via]

[raffertyesque]

☞ The Buses Aren’t Actually Solar-Powered. Not Yet Anyway.

I don’t want to call Portland a liar, because that would be rude. So I’m not going to call it a liar, but let’s just say Portland is a bit of a deceiver; it told the truth, most of the truth and little bit more of the truth, so help it kale.

(Because Portland believes in kale, not God, if that wasn’t clear.)

Portland prides itself on its public transit system. For $2.50, the City and Tri-County Metropolitan Transportation District of Oregon— better known as “TriMet”— can get you pretty much anywhere within the city limits by bus or by train. You can even go a little beyond the city limits if you’re going somewhere exotic like Cleveland (Oregon) or Milwaukie (Oregon). This is a good thing. For sure. There are caveats, however. Asteriskseses are abound.

Portland prides itself on its public transit system because it has to. It has an image to uphold. One of buses and bikes and pedestrians and trikes and trains and trams and weird gondola things and yes, unicycles. More unicycles than one might think.

How many unicycles were you thinking?

Oh yeah, way more than that.

Automobiles don’t figure into the Portland narrative though, even though they are definitely a part of Portland. When I moved here everyone told me I didn’t need a car. “You don’t need a car,” everyone said. (Actual quote.) (Source: everyone.)

Here’s the thing, though, as great as the public transit system is here— as prideful as Portland is— you can’t run trains on pride. I mean, you can try, but they don’t get very far. Certainly not to Cleveland, anyway.

Again, I don’t want to call Portland’s public transit system terrible, because that would be rude (and not accurate), but let’s just say expectations were set, and they were not met.

But as Donald Rumsfeld said when he came through Portland on his book tour: “You ride the transit system you have, not the one you want… well, I drive a Hummer, but you know what I mean. Obama is a socialist.”

The obvious solution here for non-car owners would be to tell TriMet to stick their street cars where the sun don’t shine and just bike everywhere, or rent a tiny car for 41¢/minute everywhere. But that’s not a great solution, either. Sometimes you just want to get on a bus or a train and let someone else handle the movement of your meatsack.

(I’m sorry, I’m not saying you’re just a sack of meat… you’re beautiful. I’m just saying we’re all sacks of meat. I’m definitely a sack of meat. Just a big ol’ blob. Lotsa bones, too. I mean, not more than usual, just a higher bone-to-meat ratio than most, perhaps. A pretty high percentile if I had to guess. Did I just make this weird? I may have made this weird. I’m pretty sure it’s been weird for a while now, actually.)

(I’m sorry.)

Unfortunately those times when you don’t want to bike or drive a tiny car are frequently also those times when the buses have either stopped running or it’s gonna be like an hour until the next bus, brah.

And that brings us to my main criticism of TriMet: their somewhat lackadaisical approach to all things related to time.

While TriMet’s network is comprehensive— it gets you just about anywhere, I’ll give it that— you better not be in a hurry to get to your destination. And you better not be trying to get there after, say, 9pm.

Now yes, this is an accurate reflection of Portland itself, no one is really in a hurry to go anywhere, and things tend to shut down early, but I think we should hold our transit authorities to a higher standard.

There have been a number times when I’ve taken the bus somewhere only to realize that 7:30pm bus I just took was the last one for the day. Or that I’ve missed a train or a bus and the next one doesn’t arrive until shortly before the heat death of the universe. And while I realize that’s the nature of public transit… waiting around is par for the course, it doesn’t have to be.

So what’s the answer, Rafferty? If you’re so smart, what’s your solution?

I’m glad you asked.

Improving a public transit system isn’t easy. It’s very chicken and egg. Bus driver and bus rider, even. Do you increase the frequency of the buses and hope that more people show up, thus feeding more money into the system? Do you lower fares and hope to make it up in volume? Do you increase parking rates in the city to discourage people from driving their cars, or do you stage a sort of Hunger Gamesesque battle to the death for a limited number of parking spots?

These are all excellent questions.

Yup. Sure are.

Uh huh.

Oh, you wanted answers?

Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

Yes, despite all my years of playing Sim City, I am not an expert in the realm of improving mass transit. That was not covered in Sim City class. I can safely say that Sim Copter 1 reports heavy traffic and that commerce demands an airport, however.

Ultimately the best thing to do in any public transit system— not just Portland’s— is to believe in the system. Be the egg. Or maybe be the chicken. Be either the chicken or the egg, is what I’m saying.

If you drive a car to work everyday, that is only going to create a more automobile-centric culture.

Donald Rumsfeld was right (said no one ever). You don’t ride the public transit system you want, you ride the one you have until it becomes the one you want.

Or, in the case of Portland, you try to ride it until you die waiting for a bus that will never arrive because the sun went down and these stupid buses are solar-powered.

[raffertyesque]

Just a Whole Lot of Pennies.

I saw a lot of movies in the theater in 2013. Like 34. I assumed moving to Portland would have an adverse effect on my film goingness as the lack of multiplexes would make double-featuring more difficult, but that did not prove to be the case. Yes, there has been less sneaking, but the existence of second-run theaters here allows me to see things on the big(gish) screen for a mere $3-4 a pop. Thanks, Portland! I’ve gone legit.

Anywho, obligatory film rundown in approximate release date order:

Lore, Warm Bodies, A Good Day to Die Hard, Spring Breakers, From Up on Poppy Hill, GI Joe Retaliation, Upstream Color, Pain & Gain, Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, Fast & Furious 6, This is the End, Now You See Me, Monsters University, Man Of Steel, Despicable Me 2, The Heat, Much Ado About Nothing, The Wolverine, Pacific Rim, Elysium, Gravity, Ender’s Game, Thor The Dark World, Riddick, The World’s End, Inside Llewyn Davis, American Hustle, Her, Blue Jasmine, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, In A World…

Additionally, I saw another 15 movies from ’13 on my 13″ laptop. Those were:

John Dies at the End, Admission, I Give It a Year, Olympus Has Fallen, Oblivion, World War Z, White House Down, The To Do List, Kick-Ass 2, Short Term 12, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, We’re the Millers, Drinking Buddies, Rapturepalooza, Frozen.

Of those 15, Short Term 12 was the clear winner, although— believe it or not— We’re The Millers? Quite good.

Obviously there are also some gaps in my movie viewing list. I suspect I’ll enjoy Nebraska when I finally get around to seeing it, for example. Anyway, moving on.

The Worst movie of the year award is tough this time around. I saw some fucking terrible movies this year. An obvious choice might be the Michael Bay movie, Pain & Gain, but it was actually charming in its own way. GI Joe Retaliation would also be a good choice. I’m sure it was terrible but it was also utterly forgettable, so I can’t even remember how bad it was. Despite having an amazing cast and some great location work (RIP Five Pointz), I could have gone without seeing Now You See Me.

No, the worst movie I saw last year was A Good Day to Die Hard. Guys, come on, can we just throw in the towel here? John McClane is too old for this shit.

If I had to choose a theme for 2013 it would be “disappointment.” I know that’s a bummer, but that’s the truth. There were a ton of movies that I was stoked for that just did not quite come together. Star Trek Into Darkness is probably at the top of this list. I loved JJ’s 2009 Star Trek reboot even though I didn’t want to. So I wanted to love the sequel… and the sequel just did not work. Like, at all. Likewise with Elysium. District 9 was amazing, Elysium was basically District 9 with a bigger budget and a much more heavy-handed moral. Same story with Upstream Color. I wanted to like it, and I guess I did, but holy shit, Shane Carruth, come on man. You’re smarter than us, we get it. You’re a great filmmaker, but if no one can understand your movies, what’s the point of making them?

Anyway. That said, for all the disappointment, there were still some superb movies that came out this year. At least 10 of them. Let’s get down to business.

#10 – Monsters University – It felt wrong leaving a non-Cars Pixar movie off my top ten, so here it is. Monster’s University is by no means bad, in fact, it’s quite good and you should see it, but I do not feel compelled to see it over and over again like I do most Pixar films. Sorry Sully. Sorry Mike Wazowski.

#9 – Pacific Rim – Sure, it’s big and it’s dumb, but that’s the point. Everyone’s inner five year-old boy (we all have one) (yes, even the ladies) loves some big-robot-on-big-monster action. Sprinkle in just enough plot for it to make sense, toss in some Tom Morello guitar riffs, and top it off with the best “will they or won’t they” I’ve seen in years, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for two hours of solid entertainment, man.

#8 – Inside Llewyn Davis – I will probably be a sucker for period pieces in New York City for the rest of my life. That’s just a thing that I do now. And the 1961 New York that Inside Llewyn Davis inhabits is spot-on. Well, at least I think it is. I wasn’t there at the time, but it seems pretty on point. The colors, the interiors, the exteriors. It’s all great. The Coen Brothers nailed it. The story is okay, too. Something about a cat.

#7 – In A World… – I liked In A World… far more than I thought I would. At first it seems a bit too inside baseball, a movie about the politics of movie trailer voiceover work? Really (fellow Skidmore alum), Lake Bell? Really? But it quickly becomes less about politicking and more about the personal stories of the characters. Not bad, man.

#6 – Fast & Furious 6 – “Fast 6,” as the kids call, finally tied up some curious plot incongruencies that had been lurking about the franchise since the third movie. Phew. Finally… canon has been restored! I will keep watching “Fast” movies as long as they keep making them. And given that even the death of Paul Walker (RIP Paul Walker) seems to have only temporarily slowed down the production of Fast 7, I don’t see them stopping anytime soon.

#5 – This is the End – Two words: Satan’s dick.

#4 – Iron Man 3 – If they never make another Iron Man movie— scratch that, they’ll definitely make another Iron Man movie— but if they never make another Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man movie, I’ll be happy. This one redeemed the second film, tied in The Avengers, and upped the stakes… it checked off all the boxes a sequel needed to check off, and still managed to be a good movie. It put a nice bow on the franchise. Let’s do some more Avenging and call it a day, eh, Tony?

#3 – Gravity – I am not a big Sandra Bullock fan. Unless she’s driving a bus at 50 miles per hour, I’m not interested. So if you had told me going into 2013 that a movie which is pretty much just a close-up of Sandy B’s face for 90 minutes would be one of my favorite movies of the year, I’dda said you a liar. And I would be a fool, because Gravity is amazing. It’s Alfonso Cuarón’s best movie since his last movie. (Children of Men, my favorite movie of 2006.)

#2 – The World’s End – The less you know about The World’s End the better, so I’m just going to say that it’s my second favorite movie of the year and you should see it as soon as possible. I cannot think of a director who can combine genres better than Edgar Wright. He has yet to make a movie that isn’t fantastic.

#1 – Her – Her is the best movie I have seen in years. Going back and looking at previous incarnations of this list, I have to go back to 2008 to find a movie that I enjoyed as much, and that movie is of course WALL•E. Why do I love movies about sentient robots falling in love? Is it because I am a robot? Am I a Cylon? So many questions.

Anyway, Her. It’s Spike Jonze at the top of his game, man. His direction is solid, but the writing is where he really shines, man. I assumed Spike was all director, but as it turns out he’s a great storyteller as well. Even the non-Spike stuff here is great, though. The cast: top notch. (I love all of ScarJo, but if I had to pick one part of her, I would probably pick her voice.) The production design, even the UX design, is fully-realized. The music is great. The cinematography is great. It’s all great. Go see Her.

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Unless you're me, you should probably just stop at the headline. It's not going to get any better than that. If you need a little more to go on, though… this is a story about a man, a video game, and an eggplant. It's about 8000 words. You've been warned. [via]

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☞ Watch Out For The Full Snowman.

Remember every movie ever when you a kid growing up, where the hero and his ladyfriend were handcuffed together by the villain and left to die by poison gas or lasers or piranhas or badgers or whatever, and the protagonist was going all aggro trying to break free, but then his ladyfriend— calm as can be— takes a bobby-pin out of her hair and picks the lock on the handcuffs no problem?

Confession time: When I was a kid, I always dreamed of being the ladyfriend.

Now, to be clear, I wasn’t looking to sign up for the full ladyfriend package, I just wanted to be able to pick locks with a bobby-pin like she did. I thought that was really cool.

I also thought her heels were pretty nice, as well.

Nice blouse, too. Very practical.

Right.

Moving on.

Whether you’ve got your ear up to bank safe or you’re raking some deadbolt pins with a half snowman, there is something inherently cool about lock picking. Sure, using a “master key” (read: “bolt-cutters”) also gets the job done, but that is crude by comparison. That’s the Heinz Mustard to lock picking’s Grey Poupon. The Humvee to lock picking’s Tesla. The Conan the Barbarian to lock picking’s James Bond. Sure, they all do the trick, but lock picking gets the job done with style.

Being able to pick a lock is a triumph of brain over brawn. If you’re going to be nefarious, what’s more nefarious than leaving no trace of your nefariousness?

All of this is to say: I am a lock-picker now.

Well, sort of.

When I say “I am a lock-picker now,” what I mean to say is that I can pick a rudimentary lock in a controlled environment if I’m given an unlimited amount of time.

Ladies, ladies, please, form a line.

Locks have been around forever. Pirates were always locking treasure in chests, jerks were always locking princesses in towers, and your dad was always locking the liquor cabinet when he went out of town with your mother for the weekend and no parties while we’re gone, son, I mean it. Yeah, I know dad, gosh.

While locks have certainly evolved over the centuries, the fundamentals have remained the same. Basically you’ve got a lock with some “pins” in it, you put the key in the lock, the key’s “teeth” line the pins up with the “shear point” of the lock, which allow the key to turn the “plug” which unlock the lock. (That is only the tip of the lock picking jargon iceberg, I assure you… it only gets weirder with “shimming” and “impressioning” and the “snake” and the “rake” and the “tang” and the “tip,” and of course, the “full mortise.”)

I’ve always had a vague notion of how to pick a lock. I think we all have. You get a bobby-pin or a bent paperclip or— optimally— a lock-pick set, you put a flashlight in your mouth, look over your shoulder to make sure no one is around, and then go to town. You wiggle things around, twist some stuff, maybe wipe your brow a bit as you sweat it out, jiggle jiggle jiggle, and then, boom, you’re in. Just like in the movies.

Here’s the thing, though: lock picking is one of those rare instances where the movies weren’t lying. It really is that simple.

A while back at the Maker Faire in New York (basically a science fair for adults) (highly recommended, would Maker again), I learned the principles of lock picking.

I learned you need three things to pick a lock:

1) A pick. 2) A “torsion wrench” 3) Patience.

The Lock Pick Pavilion provided the first two, I had to provide the third one.

(Spoiler: I did not provide the third one.)

I managed to provide the third one for a little while, but as I struggled for what seemed like an eternity with a double-pin starter lock, the little girl sitting next to me blew through the double, the triple, the quadruple and finally an actual legit Master Lock lock that you used to lock up your gym clothes in middle school.

At that point I just got up and left. And I took my astronaut ice cream with me.

Because it isn’t a real science fair until you have some astronaut ice cream.

Flash forward to the present… I am now a little older and a little wiser and a little more patient. (I am also now legally required to have a quirky hobby because I live in Portland, Oregon.) So I decided to take a another crack at lock picking. I picked up a lock-pick set and swung by the hardware thrift store (Portland) around the corner from my house and picked up a bunch of locks that were missing their keys, which definitely got me some sass from the sassy black lady behind the register. Rightfully so, mind you.

Armed with proper picks and patience— and no pressure from little girls— I’ve gotten to the point where I can pick a regular door lock in a few minutes. I find this both satisfying and scary. If Pat Rafferty can pick your front door lock in a few minutes with his crappy $20 lock-pick set, what could an actual nefarious-type person do?

Well, pick the lock much faster with a much nicer lock-pick set, for starters, I suppose. Probably some other stuff too, though.

Point is, now that I’m semi-handy with a lock-pick, I look at the locked world a little differently. I count the teeth on keys. I see potential lock-picks everywhere… not just bobby-pins and paperclips, but pen caps and street-sweeper bristles. I am simultaneously more vigilant and less vigilant about locking my front door.

Perhaps most importantly though, I am now fully prepared should I ever find myself dangling over a pool of piranhas while handcuffed to another man.

Dreams really do come true, kids.

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Who knew Burmese tigers loved the flesh of young children so much.

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Surely the most meow-filled rendition of Mozart’s Midnight Sonata ever recorded.

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☞ Portland Biking Tour #193: Old Town.

Please proceed to the middle of the Burnside Bridge before beginning this biking tour. Press “Play” when ready. Mind the gap (in the draw bridge).

Portland’s Old Town neighborhood is where Portland began. In the mid-1800s, Portland was a logging town simply known as “The Clearing” and the area now known as “Old Town” was the only town there was. Today, it’s a combination of historic district and Chinatown, with a light sprinkling strip clubs thrown in… but that goes with the territory for most Portland neighborhoods.

To begin our tour, look east on the Burnside Bridge. Directly in front of you is the iconic White Stag Sign welcoming you to Old Town. Constructed in 1941, this 50 foot tall neon-lit sign was originally an advertisement for “White Satin Sugar,” before being modified in 1959 to advertise “White Stag Sportswear,” before being modified again in 1997 to advertise the “Made In Portland” gift company. In 2010 the sign was changed yet again, this time shedding its corporate past, and now simply reads “Portland Oregon.” Because Portland hates corporations. Boo corporations.

Pedaling down the Burnside Bridge, turn left onto Third Avenue. Almost immediately you’ll see a group of people lined up on your left. No, they are not waiting in line for the adult movie theater. (Unless it’s Titillating Tuesday.) (Or Wang Wednesday.) No, they are lined up for the adult theater’s next door neighbor and our first stop: Voodoo Doughnut.

As far as tourist destinations go, Voodoo Doughnut is second to only the Portland Airport. It is frequently frequented. The appeal is obvious: Portland is a weird foodie town, and Voodoo’s doughnuts are as delicious as they are abnormal. They’ve got the “triple chocolate penetration doughnut,” the “Butterfingering doughnut,” the giant “Tex-Ass Challenge doughnut” and some other doughnuts whose names should not be repeated in mixed company. It probably goes without saying, but there is a lot of cream filling involved.

Voodoo is open 24 hours a day, if you get lucky (?), you can sometimes score a five gallon bucket of day-old doughnuts for $5.

Let’s meander one block southeast to 133 SW 2nd Ave, to Pedal Bike Tours. No, we’re not going on a bike tour. We’re already on a bike tour, come on, man. No, we’re here to look at the two plaques affixed to the side of the building. “High Water Mark 1948″ and “High Water Mark 1894.” These signs— which are about two feet and five feet from the ground respectively— indicate the just how untamed the Willamette River used to be.

Back in the day, annual flooding was a way of life in Portland and folks just learned to deal with it. Mostly by using bricks to weigh down their buildings so they wouldn’t float away and also by constructing makeshift sidewalks with scaffolding until flood waters subsided. Oh, and doing business by boat. Obviously. When the flood of 1894 put Portland under water for weeks, Portlanders— being goofballs from the very start apparently— used their flooded streets to race boats. Portland, Oregon: laid back since 1851.

Next stop: the Skidmore Fountain.

Located right around the corner at 1st Ave & Ankeny Street is the Skidmore Fountain. There are many things bearing the Skidmore family name in Portland, but the Skidmore Fountain is the most famous. Dedicated in 1888, the fountain is recognized as the oldest piece of Public Art in Portland. It serves many purposes, it’s a meetup point, a train stop, a busking station, and the starting point of any number of Portland events based around the concept of public nudity/pantlessness. It’s also fountain.

Next, we’ll bike a few blocks north up 1st Avenue and take a right on Everett Street. Here you’ll see the Lan Su Chinese Garden. Well, technically you’ll see the wall of the Lan Su Chinese Garden. Yes, your eyes to not deceive you, that is a full city block enclosed by a 10 foot high wall which contains a pretty legit Chinese garden. Random.

While it seems like the garden might predate Portland itself, it’s actually a fairly recent addition to the city, having opened in 2000. Inside there’s a tea house, a bunch of pavilions of various shapes and sizes, trees, orchids, shrubs, and a sizable “lake” in the center. Basically everything you’d expect of a Chinese garden. Assuming you were expecting something.

Suffice it to say, Lan Su Garden is very nice. You can come back and enjoy it later, we have a tour to continue. Next, we’ll head south down 3rd Avenue, and take a right onto Couch Street. Find a place to lock up your bike, break open a parking meter, steal some quarters, and follow the sounds of Street Fighter, because we’re about to hit up Ground Kontrol.

Ground Kontrol is frequently cited as one of the best arcades in the United States. Strictly speaking, it’s not just an arcade, it’s a “barcade” in modern hipster parlance. After 5pm it becomes 21 and over, the PBR flows freely, and quarters disappear into coin slots at a steady clip.

This is Ground Kontrol’s third incarnation, having previously had locations in SW and SE, before settling down here in the middle of Chinatown in the husk of an old Mexican restaurant. Because, Chinatown… Mexican restaurant… barcade… that more or less sums up the evolution of Portland right there.

Downstairs is all arcade games, upstairs is all pinball, with dozens of machines on both floors, ranging from “I remember that!” to “they made a pinball machine for Alec Baldwin’s 1994 masterpiece The Shadow?” Yes, yes they did, and it is awesome. Just as Voodoo Doughnut represents Portland by combining weirdness with foodieness, Ground Kontrol represents Portland by combining beer with arrested development. Good job, Ground Kontrol.

So there you have it… from doughnuts, to fountains, to gardens, to barcades. Old Town in Portland. Something for everyone.

Unless you want Mexican food, then you’re out of luck.

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Hasn't been updated in ages, but it's still a beautiful thing. (Wait, if there hasn't been a post in months, does that mean people aren't reading books on the subway anymore? Daaaamn you iPhone!)

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Pretty great. Really nails the aesthetic. Evil mist sold separately.

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☞ Three Bucks, And You Too Can Be The King of The World.

When I lived in New York, the going rate for a first run, non-faux-IMAX, two dimensional, sticky-floored, people kicking the back of your seat, kids running around, everyone texting through the whole goddamn movie movie movie was about $14.50.

To me, that was outrageous. If I was paying $14.50 for a movie, I was paying $14.50 for two movies. That is to say, $14.50 for two movies total. Not $29.00 for two movies, separately, together, for two movies at the same theater, for one movie and then a second movie for that same $14.50 not a new— I WAS SNEAKING INTO MOVIES WITHOUT PAYING. Jeez. There, you happy?

Now in my defense, movie theaters in New York are practically begging you to pull a “double feature” as the kids say. Most of them pay one person teenager on the ground floor to take tickets and then you’ve got your run of the place. 20+ theaters at your disposal all day long. Indeed, I’d even been known to “triple feature” on occasion. And, in the summer of ’09, when the air conditioning was out in my apartment, I even pulled off the elusive “quadruple feature.” Oooooooooh. (Kids, don’t try this at home. Or at the theater, for that matter.)

All of this is to say, when I got to Portland and found out that first run movies could be had for as little as $7, I was pretty stoked. But that was nothing to compared to what I found out next: second-run movie theaters still existed.

I had just sort of assumed that the economics of second-run theaters no longer made sense now that movies are usually out on DVD by the time you get home from seeing them in the theater opening weekend. But, as you know, the economics of Portland rarely make much sense, so obviously Portland has a ton of them.

Second-run movie theaters and Pat Rafferty go hand in hand. And not just because I am cheap and so are they. Although given that I’ve been known to sit through four movies back to back to back to back just to get my $14.50 worth (although to be honest, Wolverine: Origins hardly counts as a movie) (did I mention my air conditioning was out?), the cheapness certainly helps.

No, the main reason I love second-run theaters— and I’m the first to admit this is a bit odd— is because I love dilapidated movie theaters.

Now to be clear, I like me a really nice theater as well, but there’s something special about a theater that’s a little rough around the edges. There’s some history there. Some of the seats are missing. The screen has a weird stain on it. The speakers crack on when there’s too much bass. The popcorn machine is older than you are. The carpet is gross. The bathrooms are grosser.

But then the lights go down, the screen springs to life and the disgusting theater you’re sitting in… disappears. And that my friends, is true movie magic.

Sure, your seat might squeak a bit, and your feet stick to the floor a bit more than usual, but hey, it’s $3, man, shut up and enjoy— what were you seeing again? Wolverine Origins? Yeah, okay, you’re not going to enjoy it.

The quintessential second-run theater in my mind will always be the Cine 10.

Cine 10 pushed the definition of “second-run theater” to a whole new level. I saw Titanic there in 1999.

Titanic came out in 1997.

Exactly.

Cine 10 was a shithole.

Okay, that’s a bit unfair. Cine 10 wasn’t built as a shithole, it didn’t come pre-shittied. But by the time I was able to go see PG-13 movies without a parent or guardian, it was definitely on the decline. So it was always a shithole to me.

Cine 10 was behind the Northway Mall, which itself was also a shithole. Again, it wasn’t built shittily, it just worked out that way by the time I had reached my mallrat years.

Anyway, Cine 10′s screens were small, it was dark and possibly damp (hard to tell, given the darkness), and the whole place smelled like sadness. But hey, the price was right for a thirteen year-old. $2.99 to French kiss Kate Butler in the back row while her mom went shopping at the dead mall next door? Sold!

During college, when word got around that Cine 10 had finally closed its doors, my friend Kevin and I went there one last time to pay our respects. The place was boarded up in the most half-assed way imaginable. Even in death, Cine 10 did not fail to fail.

So, Kevin and I did what any true Cine 10 devotees would have done: we opened the doors (which were not locked) and looted the joint, picking up some Cine 10 memorabilia. Kevin got some movie 35mm trailers, I got a bunch of movie trivia slides out of the slide projectors and an armrest from one of the seats. An armrest which I still have to this day. Because, hey, you never know.

RIP, Cine 10.

Point is, I am very excited to have second-run movie theaters back in my life. I look forward to many more trips to subpar theaters with subpar popcorn and subpar subwoofers, where I don’t have to sneak past any people teenagers in order to get what I perceive to be my money’s worth.

And hey, who knows, someday maybe I’ll find a dilapidated theater with a down-on-its-luck seat that’s missing a left armrest, and a little bit of my old friend Cine 10 can make a shitty theater a little less shitty all these years later.

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So bizarre. So good. Also: Arcade Fire show gon be TURNT.