Welcome to the Jungle

Personal blog of the thoughts and feelings of another dust particle in the wind.

[rage-blood-and-void]

You Could Never Escape

I’ve been thinking about choices, and how choices are just a step into a event in our lives. If you choose to cheat on your partner, and think you’re never going to get caught: why bother? If you chose to lie every chance you get, and you think no one will ever care: you’re wrong.

Being a parent isn’t easy. I totally get it. What I don’t understand is how different, even related people through blood, can be...

[rage-blood-and-void]

My birthday is tomorrow and I could honestly care less.. 

Today I’d have to clean... bake my own cake... do laundry for tomorrow’s “birthday outfit” and it just doesn’t seem like “MY DAY.”

People talk about constantly that people’s birthday’s is “THEIR DAY”, but here’s the fucking thing: it’s a god damn day.

One day. Out of the year, where you turn a year older...closer to death.

And no one cares, no one wants to celebrate. 

BUT WHEN I THROW SOMEONE A BIRTHDAY,  and I FUCKING BAKE A CAKE! AND CLEAN! AND DO ALL THIS MEANLESS SHIT FOR SOMEONE! It’s a happy day. Yet a few days later they forget it and hate me. 

Quick time-line.

Turning 14: Got kicked out of my house, because my mother wished she got an abortion. My dad refused to celebrate it and take me out.. 

Turning 15: I refused to go to Ireland with my mom and brother to spend time in Kitchener with two friends, that could honestly care less about my birthday. They baked cookies, and did things: FOR THEM! Not me. Only thing that was for me was that they sang happy-bloody-fucking birthday.

Turning 16: Mom and her (ex-) husband of late went out to karaoke leaving me to baby-sit. My mom wanted to make me a cherry cheesecake for my birthday, she made over five - that ended up not being for me. But for her husbands bake sale.....

Turning 17: Nothing happened. No wait... I got a card? Or was that the year before.. 

Turning 18: Was pregnant, and my brother wanted the day to be all about him. And guess what ? It was ALL ABOUT HIM. And he stole my 3DS when he left, that I payed for and parents refused to get another one.

Turning 19: Yeah.... nothing. I can legally buy smokes and drink. Fucking wee. I make an event and people give me excuses of why they can’t go two days before... If that doesn’t down anyone’s mood I don’t know what fucking does. 

Here’s the thing:

- Saying you’d do something a few days before doesn’t count

- Saying “ Happy Birthday ___ !” or “ HBD” doesn’t count. 

It’s all fucking meaningless. “ Well at least I tried..” Thanks for trying, but guess what.. when I want to “try” I GET THINGS DONE AND PLAN WEEKS BEFORE THE FUCKING EVENT. Not two days. Not the day before. Not the day of. 

And if I get invited to something, I either say I can or can’t go AS SOON AS I READ THE DATE AND EVENT OF! You don’t give me poor excuses to say you can’t fucking come when obviously you have the means to even stop by the day before, day after, or later the evening of the event. 

One step closer to death guys. One step closer to death. 

[rage-blood-and-void]

I had a great day, like a great fucking day. 

And my roommate whom I love with all my heart, and bonded to (unfortunately) is sometimes... a complete...and utter...dickhead.

[rage-blood-and-void]

I'm probably throwing away something great.

[rage-blood-and-void]

Crushing on someone sucks.

This aching feeling, over-analyzing, and having them constantly in your head.

It’s thrilling, but also terrifying.

It is irrational, yet enchanting.

It is the reason you cannot sleep.

Your head knows how things will likely play out.

But your heart is saying, “Please be different this time.”

[rage-blood-and-void]

What Honestly Can I Say?

I saved a life, and lost another. Maybe even more.

My parents are both ignorant and selfish whom don't want to listen to a word I say. They don't tell each other or anyone the whole truth, and leave me to believe that no matter what I do will never be good enough. 

That's what my life has been like:

To be never good enough for anybody.

So how am I suppose to love and trust someone else, and possibly believe: they'll love me? I don't know if they will. The risk of being hurt over and over again is way too hard to bare.

" What's so stressful in your life that you can't succeed?"

" There are some people in our lives that we don't have to like, but we have to tolerate." I bet you didn't like my response of, " Well I've been doing that my whole life haven't I?" did you? 

[rage-blood-and-void]

It's nothing personal. I'm just really not into repeat performances.

[rage-blood-and-void]

10 Things I Hate About You

10. You're selfish

9. Your addictions

8. Your vain

7. Your games

6. You're insecure

5. You love me, but you like her

4. You make me laugh

3. You make me cry

2. Your friends they're jerks, and you act like them,

1. You make me love you

[rage-blood-and-void]

Hormonal and Starving

I can't express enough how alone I feel. Not only in this situation, but in life itself. It makes me angry to know no one cares. It makes me angry that I could possibly be the most decent person left. 

For example: my own little family (my dad and I) haven't gone shopping for groceries in over two weeks, and we are apparently trying to push it possibly another week or two. 

Now in my current situation, that's not good. I'm always hungry, and the food we do possess my dad only likes and if I try to consume it I almost vomit. Maybe it's a thing that if you don't crave it, you don't want it. 

I don't sleep, and when I do it's not for long. And I'm just so...angry. ALL THE TIME! 

I just...fucking love life eh?

[placecalledmagicworld]

[paul-rosenberg]

[rage-blood-and-void]

Alone.

Being alone doesn't always mean you are alone.

But being alone in a fight, in a situation, in life.

That sucks.

[hideforthebest]

Resource : Rebloggy

[rage-blood-and-void]

[rage-blood-and-void]

It's funny the pure love that can come from someone's heart, and still: no one listens. No matter how much you can accept and appreciate a person, they still want the next best thing. I can tell you you're perfect, and you're fine. That you're beautiful or handsome, funny, smart and overall great. But you won't truly believe me. You'll accept the "compliment" and continue to hate yourself. You want love, but you don't accept it. So why do I bother? Because I love you, stupid.

[rage-blood-and-void]

If I screamed loud enough, would you even hear me? Or go back to your lives like nothing happened?

[dream-of-air]

or two or three.