ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: ᴘᴏᴍɴɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ᴀᴄᴄᴇᴘᴛ ʜɪꜱ ᴀʙꜱᴛʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ
a/n: This is the story about Pomni and Jax's relationship after his abstraction and his own growth.
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Can't fix what you haven't broken
It has been now a while ever since “the last day”. “The last day” is what some of them call it now. The term was first uttered, a week or so after it happened. Everyone had been sitting on the colorful couches, staring at the rebuild old familiar scene when Zoobles spoke.
“I suppose that was finally the last day of our torture.”
They chuckled when they said it. Although they had laughed many times, this time it sounded unsettling, because no one could quite tell if it was out relief, joy or trepidation.
When you’ve spend the last eternity dealing with the duality of a possible freedom or the loss of it, realizing that this sought freedom had never been yours in the first place, was a strange kind of horror.
Brain scans. These two words still haunt Pomni, even if they all have seemingly made peace with it. It is a bittersweet comfort, like honey wrapped around the cruel alternative. Perhaps knowing that they could never exist out there the way they had thought they could, was easier to accept than forever seeking an exit that may not even exist. And yet…
And yet Pomni struggles to come to terms with it. She sits in the middle of the circus looking at the pillow fort looming right in front of her. The sound of static and twitching is a constant reminder of what lives inside.
Jax. Or rather what remained of him. Pomni rests her chin on her knees as she watches the neon glowing orbs shifting and blinking within the darkness. Sometimes the noises he made sounded pained and mourning, other times angry and loud. She spends a lot of time here, observing him, thinking about what she had seen when she entered his mind.
Her soft sigh is interrupted by a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, you okay?” Ragatha asks with a comforting smile. Pomni nods still a little lost in thoughts.
“About everything.” She admits.
Ragatha carefully sits down next to her, looking between the blankets of the fortress. There it is again, this pit in her stomach that appeared whenever she sees him. It is this sickening cocktail of anger, helplessness and guilt. Sometimes, when she is alone in her room, she imagines herself going up to Caine to ask him to make this abstracted version of what used to be her friend, disappear, so she doesn’t have to face him or the feelings she felt anymore. She would never tell anyone about those thoughts of course, she didn’t want anyone to think badly of her, but they were there.
“Do you think there is a way to bring him back?” Pomni asks quietly.
Ragatha sighs, not frustrated, just tired. “I don’t know… I mean, we already lost so many, Kaufmo, Ribbit…”. She stops for a second and looks down at her doll-hands. The images of her friends came rushing in for a moment, before she shakes them off almost forcibly. “We never found a way to save them.”
Pomni folds her hands together and squeezes tightly. Her thoughts go back to the day it happened. It was…so sudden and yet such an agonizingly slow process. Everyone had seen the signs before, even when he had tried to hide it. But no one could really stop it, because he didn’t let them. One couldn’t help but wonder if he wanted to abstract. Not because it was something he truly wished for, but because it was something he thought he deserved. With everything Pomni had seen on that day, when she had crawled into his mind, it was clear how much he hated himself. And sometimes that hate can look like violence. Violence towards himself and violence towards others, like an animal stuck in a cage that scratches and bites everything around it, all because it couldn’t stand the skin and life it was living in. However, even Pomni knew that it was no excuse for what he did, especially towards Gangle who, out of everyone, was feeling the most conflicted by what happened.
“There has to be a way…” Pomni whispers to herself, but before Ragatha could answer, Caine suddenly appeared in front of them.
“Gooood morning my dear fellow friends of the night spirit!” Caine cheered and did a elegant front spin. If anyone’s mood had drastically increased than it was his. Ever since his return and apology, the tension and heat that had infiltrated the circus had lifted and it would be a lie to pretend like Caine’s change of attitude didn’t greatly improve life in the Amazing Digital Circus. Especially now that they could decide on their own adventures, one of the few things that served as a motivator.
“Zoobles had a new adventure they want to do and I must say I am quite curious to see myself! So here I am! Asking if you wish to enjoy their perhaps a little escapade into a world filled with human like normalcy!” His teeth clatter in excitement as he spoke and Pomni and Ragatha exchange looks for a moment.
“What adventure have they planned?” Ragatha asks as a smile decorated her face, clearly welcoming a change of scenery, away from the fortress filled with the consequence of a fulfilled promise.
“Ah! Of course! An adventure into what they deem as the nightlife of their home!” Caine announces with a hint of mystery, that doesn’t give away a lot. But since it was Zoobles adventure, everyone is automatically curious, so it doesn’t take a lot of convincing. In a matter of seconds they found themselves standing next to the rest of the crew.
“There you are!” Zoobles chimes as they see them, while Gangle is already hoping up and down excitedly by their side. “Hey guys!” She practically beams.
“Hey! So what’s this adventure? Caine said something about nightlife?” Ragatha asks curiously.
“I recently told Gangle about this one part of the city I used to live in where I spend most time with my friends. It’s filled with these clubs and awesome LGBT+ spots that I absolutely loved. And she really wanted to see them.” Zoobles explains and wraps their arm around Gangle to pull her close, which made her mask flush red.
“Sounds awesome!” Pomni smiles. Back in the real world she barely ever went to clubs or parties. It just never felt like her place to be, so she was a little curious what Zoobles life was like out there among bars, alcohol and dancing people.
As they arrive in the lively street through the portal, everyone almost immediately scatters in different directions. Zoobles is eager to show Gangle her favourite gay bar, Ragatha and Kinger enter the first disco with the loudest music and Pomni explored the scenery. The street is packed with people in front of clubs talking or dancing behind windows under bright lights. She can’t help but smile a little to herself as she watches them through the glass.
But there was one sight that made her stop and watch for a moment. The room is filled with people dancing, laughing and enjoying the night, but it isn’t what they are doing that kept Pomni’s gaze trained on them, but rather how they looked. Amongst vibrant and beautifully fashioned women are men equally dressed in gowns, skirts and tops. Some had beards, some no facial hair at all. Some seemed older, broader, others seemed slimmer and shorter, but they all seemed so carefree, so… alive. At first Pomni doesn’t understand why that sight keeps her so transfixed. It isn’t the first time she had seen Drag Queens or men who embraced the feminine sides. Back in the real world she would sometimes sit in her living room with her laptop on her lap, watching Drag Shows, while enjoying some ice cream. Yet, this was different. The reason for her interest was different. How she felt was different.
Her chest aches. Watching them so happy, being able to accept themselves fully, regardless of what anyone expects them to be, it made her heart twist in an uncomfortable way. They are in there, in their own little safe haven, utterly content to just exist in the form that feels the most like them. While he was stuck in a fortress of pillows, because the world rather broke him than accepted him the way he was.
The moment she feels like she would choke on this knot in her throat, she notices a man stepping out. His beard is covered in glitter and his eyebrows are so thick you could barely make out his eyes. He is huge with muscles bigger than Pomni’s head and he leans against the wall next to her. There is a moment of silence where she watches him slowly pull out a cigarette to light it. Then he catches her eyes. Her breath hitches and she quickly looks away embarrassed.
“Can I help you, little Miss?” The man asks with a gruff voice as he takes a drag on the cigarette.
“S… Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” Pomni apologizes quietly and turns around to face him. The man chuckles, blowing the smoke away from her into the air.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m taking it as a compliment.” He examines her for a second longer, before nodding towards the club. “You wanna go in?”
Pomni shakes her head. “Ah… no, I was just curious. Everyone seems so…blithe in there.” She points out with a small smile.
A deep laughter erupts from the man’s chest as he taps his cigarette with his finger.
“They do, don’t they? Well, sometimes it’s better to just enjoy the moment, than to think too much about the yesterday and the tomorrow.”
There is something about his answer that makes Pomni curious, a certain kind of depth as if there is more behind his words.
“I guess, living in the moment is a talent.” She says a little softer now.
“I would say it’s more of a skill you either learn or live your life bitter and miserable.” The man counters not unkind and yet firmly. It makes her a little uncertain and for a moment, she wondered if she had said something wrong or offensive. The bearded gentleman notices her hesitance, so he adds:
“It’s not always easy, but if you want to live, truly live I mean, you need to learn to accept that that’s just part of being alive and that you can’t take it too personal.”
Pomni peers up at him as he speaks. His eyes are now glued to the artificial stars above them, reflecting a kind of contemplation that you only allow when no one is there to witness it.
“I… have a friend.” Pomni begins quietly to meet his vulnerability with her own. She plays with her hands, watching her fingers tracing and entangling with each other. “I don’t think he ever learned how to accept that… He never even learned to accept himself. Then again, I suppose you can’t learn something like that when the whole world around you is trying to tell you that you can’t be who you really are.”
The dark eyes avert from the sky and instead land on her as he listens to her speak.
“You can’t… fix what someone else has broken.” Pomni presses out, as she clutches her hands tighter and tighter and tears begin to rise. “No matter how hard you try to heal their wounds, it’s not in your power. You can’t… fix it, especially if they don’t even let you close. So you just have to stand there as they slowly destroy themselves until… they’re gone.” The last words are a sobbed hiccup that finally pushes those tears down her cheeks. She doesn’t realize how hard she is gripping her own hands. Only when the man gently pries her fingers loose to hold them, does she let go.
“Sorry…” She chuckles between sniffles and wipes the wet streaks on her face away with her arm, but the man shakes his head.
There is a heavy silence in the air. A moment of utter quietness, even tough the streets are still so loud. It is the first time after “the last day”, that Pomni let those feelings in. That ache of grief and regret, which have been chewing on her bones this whole time, are now forcing themselves into her heart, ripping a hole into it. And it hurts. Everything hurts. Even after the revelation, even when Caine apologized and promised them a gentler and more fun existence within the circus. No matter how much she laughs among the others or how many adventures they go on together, that pain is still there.
“I just… wish he had let me closer. But I was only allowed to see parts of him, when it was all too late. And even then… I haven’t seen all of him. I sit in my bedroom day by day, trying to understand what I saw, but I just can’t. Not when I’m still missing pieces.” Pomni whispers as she pulls her hands away to bury her face in it.
“It… was his distant father, his mother who didn’t allow him to be anything but a… a man? And then Ribbit and… this bow she put on his ear. I… I just…” Suddenly she lifts her head to look at this man with glitter in his beard and all at once, she feels as if she understands. Probably just a fraction of the whole piece that is Jax, but it is the first time she ever had the feeling like things start to make sense to her again.
“What was it like for you?”
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a/n: I hope you enjoy the first chapter of this fanfiction. I'm aiming to update this story every Sunday! Thank you for reading^^
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