do you have some new bloods working at your casino or something? they said i wasn’t on the v.i.p. list and that just can’t be right, can it? ah, well. guess i’ll just have to do things the old fashioned way and break into your office. kidding, (or am i?) i bribed one of your staff to leave this letter on your desk (or did i?).
i’m delivering this because, since i know you must have absolutely nothing going on this upcoming valentine’s day, i’m offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend the whole day with me in dressrosa. and before you say no (but you’re not going to say no—who wouldn’t want to spend valentine’s day in the company of a king at his palace) i’ve already got an entire proposal outlined. a business proposal, i mean. at least for right now. i need to get myself drunk pretty far under the table before i start entertaining commitment like that.
first of all, my palace is huge. have you seen it? what, you have? two years ago? well, you should see it again! we installed new curtains, my personal library has at least two more full bookcases (including some rarer texts that might be to your liking), and we added more furniture to the pool deck to accommodate larger gatherings. oh, the pool! listen, i know neither of us can swim but we can stare at it, y’know? there’s something gratifying about just staring at a thing you own and knowing it costs a lot of money. that side of the palace also gets a lot of daylight, so it’s fantastic for sunbathing, too.
second of all, dressrosans go crazy for this holiday. this is an island of love and passion, after all, and my citizens do not disappoint. it’s not just a one-day affair, either; festivities stretch on through the entire month of february. plus, think about what good it would do for you public profile to be summoned by the king of another nation. that’s your end goal, right… mr. “hero of alabasta”? i can play along. i’ll even call reporters here myself—do a whole spread about what a great and noble guy you are. a real man of the people! i won’t even talk about myself, how’s that for a deal?
anyway, i’m certain i’ve made a compelling case by now, but if that isn’t enough to entice you (which obviously it is, come now) i did get some vintage reds delivered from mary geoise recently. this stuff is heaven in a bottle (literally, i mean) and it’ll pair fantastically with the cigars i bought, too. or, that’s what i’m hoping. you see, i’m not exactly as well-versed as you are, but i did consult some self-proclaimed aficionados that were positive you would die for the brand i picked out. you’ll have to come by and tell me if they were wrong, because i will kill them for the crime of giving you subpar cigars. so, in summation:
new curtains. rare books. pool. festival. free pr. cigars. wine. you. me.
He's not reading all that. In fact, he's gonna ask Mister Three to put it in the shredder on his way out.