raininthesea

aspiring late night writer

[raininthesea]

Letters to the Moon (pt. 4) - what once was

It’s his birthday. Do you remember? How we used to run around under the sweltering sun, awkwardly tripping over our own feet within the chase. We would watch the dirt under our fingernails build and build until we could no longer tell what the original color was supposed to be. Us three, we were always running. No one could understand why we would run for fun and games. But to us, there was no fun and games. Just running. 

Now it’s just me. Running towards what we all thought we could once be, yet unsure of if I can ever cross the finish line in time. It’s been four years and now I’m starting to think that all this running was for nothing. When you two were here, we would push each other to our limits. Now it’s just me, and I’m losing my purpose. 

Why do I run? What am I running to? Is it you guys? Because if it is, then I think I can find some way to uphold this pursuit no matter the distance. Happy birthday, let’s run when we meet again, yeah? We can play on those old creaky swings at the park and pretend the floor is lava once more. We can race on the dirt track and pretend the dust is smoke. We can play wall-ball and hide-and-seek and tag and all those childish games until we are content once more. We can, we can, we can’t. I’m so tired of running and I just wish you guys would run back to me. 

[panditart]

I made this fanart for the fanfic meet me at the rooftop's edge (at 3 am) by @raininthesea. I wanted to make it look like the sketch made by Asami 🙈. I hope i have done it well.

If you want to read it, I leave the link ⬇️

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693101

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[raininthesea]

I promise I haven’t given up on writing, haha. I’ve been trying to write a second part to “a night remembered”, but it’s not coming out the way I want it to. Also, my full length fics are put on hold until I get my life back together. I’ve fallen back in academics and I really want to make sure I prioritize that before anything else. 

[raininthesea]

Not back into writing yet but I’m getting there! School is just kicking off so I’m still adjusting to everything. Hopefully in a week or so I’ll be able to get back and write that continuation of “a night remembered”, but don’t hold me to it. 

[raininthesea]

in my father’s eyes

In my father’s eyes, 

His wife is just a fat, lazy, child. 

Unwilling to learn and 

Always stuck in the past. 

In my father’s eyes, 

He is the perfect specimen. 

He is the prime example of a hard-working immigrant, 

Who can do no wrong. 

In my father’s eyes, 

My brother is a direct product of himself. 

All his perfect traits fused into a successful boy, 

Who will provide when he is old and sick. 

In my father’s eyes, 

My sister is a disgrace, 

A procrastinator and lazy, 

Unmotivated and anti-social. 

There is no regard for her poor mental health, 

Blatantly caused by him. 

In my father’s eyes, 

I am the perfect child. 

A reminder of what he wished my sister was, 

A hope for my brother’s achievements. 

Yet every time he sees my scars, 

He is reminded of his own failures. 

At times I can tell by his eyes

That I physically repulse him. 

Maybe I remind him 

Of what he should have done for my siblings. 

He is unable to look at me sometimes, 

Wishing he could just make it go away. 

In my father’s eyes, 

I am his favorite. 

In my own eyes, 

I see no future.

[raininthesea]

Quick check-in, I have about 2 weeks left in a current college course I’m taking and then I should have time to continue writing after that. But my school also starts pretty soon (I’m still in high school) so I’ll be adjusting to a new schedule and all that. I’m hopefully planning to get back to writing my full length fic and maybe another one-shot on the side or a continuation to “a night remembered” in maybe a month or two, but we’ll see! I have a lot of personal projects (non-writing related) so I have to take care of those as well, but I really do want to get back to writing as soon as possible.  

[raininthesea]

I like idea 1 (original or fanfic)! :) Also, can't wait to read your full length TLOK fanfiction.

Thank you so much! I’m not planning for the full-length to be too long but maybe at least 10 chapters would suffice. I won’t spoil too much but it’s a dystopian setting and probably filled with overused tropes. 

[raininthesea]

Quick update: I had two story ideas come to me through dreams and I was wondering if you guys would be more interested in reading them as an original work or as fanfiction. 

Preview of the 1st idea: a fantasy world that changes settings into a cyberpunk city after a mind-breaking realization. Involves magic/elemental powers. (Personally I’ve already written out an outline for this as an original story but I would be more than willing to change it into fanfiction)  Preview of the 2nd idea: A bit of an outer space setting. Everyone around the main character knows who they really are and their destiny, but once the main character realizes, everyone forgets. They have to find out what’s happening and their next move. 

Anyway let me know what you think and whether I should write it as fanfiction or not! 

(Keep in mind that I probably won’t be able to get to these until after summer is over because I’m actually quite busy, so I apologize for that in advance. I’m also working on my first full-length TLOK fanfiction but that won’t come out until after summer too.)

[raininthesea]

I won’t be as active from now on because I have a lot of academic work to take care of during the summer. That being said, I will still try to post every now and then! Take care.

[raininthesea]

what ifs

Why do I always seem to miss all my chances? Why am I always so hesitant to chase my opportunities? If I were to count all my what ifs, I would give up in the end because there’s simply too many. 

It has always fascinated me how we tend to let our fear consume us until we sigh dejectedly and give up yet again. How our eyes become downcast and all hope fades. What would happen if we stopped caring and threw it all away? I think — but maybe it’s just a musing — that our wings would spread and we would fly away. 

But just like Icarus, our pride would make us surge upwards to burn to death. In that same line, if we have not yet stretched our wings fully, then are we flying too close to the sea spray? Bravery requires a happy medium. Perhaps that is what we spend our whole lives searching for. But for some reason, I can only watch as everyone moves on. As I’m still too afraid. Too afraid to unfurl the wings that promise liberation. Too afraid to leave the safety that is land. Because to fly would mean to give in. To stop caring. It’s a whole new uncharted territory and that scares me. As someone who seems indifferent, I hold others’ opinions too dearly to stop caring. 

But oh, if only I knew that everyone else had stopped caring a long time ago, then I would have already flown to my freedom.

[raininthesea]

to my future lover

I know it is silly to let my mind wander about such things especially when I am faced with reality everyday. But, yet, there is something so intoxicating about you, my dear. I’ve never experienced true love. At least, I don’t think I have. But who am I to talk when I don’t even know what it is? Maybe you could show me. What it’s like to be in love and what it’s like to be loved. I’ve been in relationships before, I hope you know. But all I knew was to give, give until there was nothing left of me. To only take after I’ve thought it through for agonizing hours, to be too afraid to really show myself. Because all I know is to love but I could never imagine myself so willingly open to someone else. So, to my future lover, this is all I’ve ever wondered about you. 

Will you be completely like I want? Will you be genuine, so loving, and willing to let me voice my fears without judgement? Will you take, but give the same amount, and never let me feel ashamed of my insecurities? Will I be completely comfortable with you and be able to see what the world has to offer in your eyes? Will you comfort me, even when I wake up crying into your arms? Or will you be a surprise, completely spontaneous? Will our passion come and go like an explosion, only to realize that at the end of the day, there’s no one else we’d rather be with? No matter what you’re like, I still hope you’re willing to teach and to learn. To see me for who I want to be and who I really am. 

I want every romantic and disgustingly cute scenario with you. I want late night dinners at fancy restaurants only to stumble home together, always finding our way into each other’s arms. I want movie nights and domesticity. I want the spontaneity of baking cookies in the middle of the night, only to laugh uncontrollably at the beautiful mess we’v e created. I want late night drives to nowhere and road trips to places we’ve never been. I want coffee dates even during our rough patches. I want tight hugs and soft cuddles wherever and whenever. I want slow dancing under warm lights and to sit on rooftops, watching the rest of the world go by. We’ll be immersed in our own bubble because why should we care about everything else when we have each other? I want stargazing and late night conversations over wine and champagne. I want lazy mornings and afternoon naps. I want makeout sessions to playlists of our own creations and rainy days which will never bother us because there is nothing more breathtaking than the pure joy of dancing in the rain. I want to be able to hold you close after a long day because you are my greatest comfort. Most of all, I want you. 

Still, I hope you know, my love, that I would never expect you to change and mold yourself into this role that I have imagined. In the end, it’s just that: wonderings and imaginations from someone looking to love. No matter what you’re like and what you want, I’ll accept you and love you. Everything I’ve stated here I will try my best to provide for you. I’ll listen to you and stay with you through your darkest times. Because I’m sure, wherever you are, no matter what you’ve been through, you still deserve so much. Whatever you have to offer, I will take and whatever I have to offer, I will give. Our time will come, my dear. I hope we meet at the right time.

[raininthesea]

hallucinations from an artificial life

It’s not often that many can see the world for what it is. I’ve lost count of how long it’s been but we are still stuck, all alone. There’s not much to do here yet everyone else seems so content with this fake city in a fake world. I wish I could be like them but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to fall under the illusion that this is all real. I so desperately want to ignore it all but it is so painfully hard when your brain refuses to, refuses to stop. And so I am stuck in an awkward, fraying state. Will I die like this? Who knows. I just want to survive no matter how hooked I am upon this liquid gold. 

My mind has started spinning a while ago and everything feels woozy. Out of touch, no thoughts, I simply want to forget. Maybe I am the wrong one and everyone else is right, has been right. After all, I’ve stopped feeling and was unable to start again. After all, I’m just another person struggling to fit in, struggling to find the truth. 

It’s hard to sleep these days. Every sound I hear at night, every false movement, every wrong breath. It all screams danger. Maye I am the one screaming into nothingness, but yet again maybe I am drowning or maybe I am slowly watching ice creep over my body. Everyone seems so happy. Am I the only one struggling? Has everyone moved on already? I don’t know. After all, I only exist in the furthest corners and depths of your imagination. Not quite a voice, more of a whisper, I want to shout that I exist. Still stuck. And still all alone.

[raininthesea]

Slowly getting back into writing, hopefully I’ll be able to post more often. Happy pride everyone <3 

[raininthesea]

Letters to the Moon (pt. 2) - a world diminished

In a world that is hysterically ugly, I found art in you. So bright, you put the sun to shame. So calm and serene, you made the moon jealous. And the stars? Well, the stars understood you. They accepted you for what you were and they loved you. The seas called and pulled for you. You never answered. It confused me until you explained, so patiently. You were afraid of the Great Deep. It scared you and you hated it; it was the only thing you ever hated and you chose the seas. I always wondered why, but I think maybe, just maybe, I know now. 

A world, wavering, always blurring the lines of reality. Another thing I always wondered: why you chose to leave so violently when you have always idealized peace. If you had asked me to do it, would I have helped you? I don’t think I could ever bring myself to say yes. Then, would you have called me a bad friend? Maybe inside we are not the person who we want to be.

As the world crashes around us, around me, we stay unmoving. Two pillars standing amongst rubble. The seas rising, their call strong enough for even I to hear. The water cracks and the sound is fittingly thunderous. The seas are demanding. Violent. Utter anarchy. Comically, we are surrounded by chaos and destruction, yet you stand in front of me, still shining so bright. So bright that it dawns on me. The seas are everything you are and you hate it. You live under a false pretense and I have fallen for it and I just want to know. Your philosophy for everything. Yet with a blink, a wave rises and crashes down, washing you away to the seas. Away, away. And thus, in the end, there was one.

[raininthesea]

Letters to the Moon (pt. 3) - tired

I am so inexplicably tired of this. Living my life in monotone, going through the same motions endlessly. I am so tired of not being able to see you, being able to talk to you. I am so tired and so angry. A familiar face that I am slowly losing recollection of. We promised each other forever, and now I am the only one left. 

Broken and not quite at peace. Tired and dizzy, my sleep-deprived brain can only think of you. I miss you, but I do not wish to disturb your rest. It is all laughable, really. Comical. Yet there is no humor left in your light. A dull shine of moonlight is all that’s enough for me to know that you have moved on. Where have you gone? The stars are too scattered for you. You forget that I am still the only one that knows you the best. The sun is too bright for you. So, on the moon you remain, trapped and stuck.

[raininthesea]

unfinished work

It has been months, my dear. And I think that is quite alright. In the end, I would consider myself to be the first one that had allowed this red thread between us to snap. I have long forgotten what it feels like to love and to be loved by you. I no longer want to experience it — that is, the toxic chemicals we kept trying to force upon ourselves. If we had admitted it sooner, would we still call ourselves cowards? Would I still feel so much sorrow over past mistakes and still grow nostalgic over things that I no longer want? 

Acceptance; such a powerful thing yet it carries so much loneliness. I have accepted many things in this seemingly short lifetime, and I can only imagine the things I have yet to accept to come. I no longer want to seek you out, that alone is true. I even find myself annoyed to some degree at the thought of you. But, whichever way you look at it, you cannot deny that you were my greatest company and confidant. And perhaps you still are. 

I hope you know that I never trusted you. Your incessant urging for me to trust you more was all just pointless in the end, and perhaps you will never know why. It is no small matter, but it is something that even I cannot blame you for, no matter how much I want to. Do you remember? You would laugh at my frustrations. Make yours seem much bigger in comparison. I grew silent because of you, not myself. 

Loneliness is so tangible, yet I do not really think I have ever experienced true loneliness before. It is not so far, though. It starts with denying your pain, your wistfulness, denying memories that you want. I sit here shivering in the dark, well surrounded by warmth that I cannot feel. And I sit here denying my longingness for a simple conversation. To sit under the stars with someone and experience the Milky Way. I sit here out of choosing, with loneliness lingering dangerously close to the border. I sit here wanting to feel it… 

[raininthesea]

Letters to the Moon (pt. 1) - seasons

In the coming years, I may not remember you — a figment of my imagination that kept me company before the sun rose. Within each changing season, you were there. From all my dappled yellows to blaring reds; I never minded the loneliness because you were with me. 

On the hottest days, we ran for hours on end, going nowhere. We sat on rooftops and watched the sun disappear into a purple sea. We sat inside dark rooms with the blinds pulled shut and laid on the floor, dreaming. We were just two kids, falling in and out of touch with each other and the world. If there was a me, there was a you. You, who came into my life while I was restlessly sleeping and left in the fall. 

This is the third winter now where I have felt truly cold, this season more than the previous. I rarely see the moon anymore. I’m back to how we used to be: two close strangers in an isolated room, taking comfort in the emptiness. The summers were ours, but winter was your season. I dare not breathe, yet one can only hold their breath for so long when the sun is shining on the morning frost. I have sat on the rooftop but I’ve missed the sunset for a clouded over moon. 

In this lifetime, I hope to meet someone who will return my mind as you did. This pretend feeling of nostalgia; maybe it never existed as quietly as you did.