My story I don’t talk about.
I never talk about this experience due to fear that the girl and boy behind it would find it and become angry. But today I do something brave. I tell you the story of how my mind became something corrupt.
In middleschool I met a girl that I formed a crush on. Her name will be Emily. Emily and I became close friends and both of us could tell we wanted to be more. However she seemed to pull back last second and began dating my friend Ash. Emily and Ash continued to date but she would constantly make comments to me “I wish he was you.” Or “you know I still like you.”
I wish now that I would’ve walked away. I wish I could undo everything away from Emily and Ash.
One day we got into a conversation (‘we’ being: Me, Ash, and Emily) over a topic I didn’t like. Sex. I’m asexual/bi and I don’t really want sex at any point. And when I told them this both of them just scoffed and said “I’m sure its just because you haven’t found anyone.” I just never brought it up again due to the fact that they had negative responses.
Two months rolled by and me and Emily had our classic 'Slumber party’ where we’d watch movies, eat junkfood, and have fun. We decided to play truth or dare and I chose dare. She told me to kiss her as the dare. I accepted and kissed her.
We didn’t kiss once. We kissed over. And over. And over again. We did this for a bit before she seemed to want more. She kissed my neck and tried to go down further but I lightly pushed her back. “No. No. Emily I–I don’t want this.” I told her. “Do… you not like me anymore?” She asked me. “No I do. But you’re still with Ash. And I already told you I don’t want sex.” I explained. Emily was set off by my words. “I…Ugh. Nevermind let’s just go to bed.” She said before rolling over. I didn’t sleep that night, I only worried that she was upset.
Lets get a nice skip to a few months later. Ash had not known about me and Emily. We decided it was best to keep it a secret. One day I was sitting and talking to a friend when Ash seemed to act odd. Like I bothered him. He refused to look at me. “Dude are you okay?” I asked him. He looked at me dead in the eyes. “I know about you and Emily.” He said simply. I swallowed hard and I looked over to Emily.
She told him. No no. She spun Ash this story where she stopped me. Where I wasn’t violated. She was.
That day I left school early because my family wanted to drive to Tennessee and stay in a cabin. The entire time I was trying to sort the whole situation out with Ash but no matter what, Ash didn’t believe me. Ash and Emily both ganged up on me and decided to try and manipulate me into believing this entire thing was my fault.
Something clicked. Whenever the two of them argued, I was the one to fix it, whenever they’d do something they’d blame it on me and I apologized. I apologized every single time.
Which is why they were surprised when I fought back. I yelled at both of them and said “if I survived once without you two, I can, and will, do it again.” They were speechless. For two days I had peace. When Emily sent me a message “We’re done. We’re no longer friends, find someone else to annoy. And don’t even think about going to Jacob (a friend I met through Emily) about this.” I rolled my eyes at her threat. “Fine. I once again to not have my life connected to you. I’m fine without you and I know Jacob will agree.” I responded. “You won’t tell Jacob. Because I knew Jacob before you did. Who do you think he’s going to believe? You. Or me? Because without me, you’re no one. You’re on your own” she said.
Her last message played on repeat in my head. And they seeped into my brain like a poison, festering my every thought.
For weeks I kept quiet, sitting alone, not saying anything when finally I had my first panic attack. My bestfriend Ben everything that happened and he was pissed. For months I felt silent. For months I felt unheard. But when Ben told Jacob what happened, it was like the static in my head was gone. Because Jacob cut ties with Emily. Ash broke up with Emily and moved away.
But because of Emily I have a strong sense of betrayal that burns. She is the reason I push people away. She is the reason I can’t allow anyone to get too close. I loved her. I did. But she betrayed my trust, hurt me in ways that no one can even begin to fathom and Emily is the reason I have a strong self loathing for myself. It is also the reason I don’t like affection towards any part of me below the shoulders.
Emily if you ever read this
I hope you grew past your manipulative nature. And I hope you learned your lesson.
This is a true story. Depict it how you want. Learn from it. - the author @rainydayimagine
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