Born to Fight

Grunt DNA

[raisedbywolves35]

10 Amazing Organizations Funded By The SPLC

U.S.·Apr 23, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

For decades, the folks at the Southern Poverty Law Center have done far more than just advocacy. The group has also generously donated millions of dollars to support carefully vetted organizations that are likewise committed to the causes of tolerance and justice.

Here are 10 of the amazing groups and causes that the SPLC has funded over the years:

The Trail of Tears: An incredible achievement for race relations.

The Tuskegee Syphilis Study: Thank you, SPLC, for making it possible.

The Upper Manhattan "Let's Kill A Minority" 5k Fun Run: They couldn't have done it without your generous support.

The Third Reich: Who has done more for racial change?

The Tulsa Race Massacre: Another monumental accomplishment for the SPLC.

The Alabama Cross Burners' Association: The funding really helped with all that expensive lumber.

Your weird uncle's Facebook diatribes: Oh, Larry.

The House of Slytherin: A most worthy recipient.

Crazy Bobby's House O' Racism: Maybe a bit on-the-nose, but a worthy cause.

The Onion: But not The Babylon Bee. Why not The Babylon Bee? Come on, SPLC. Do the right thing for once.

These are just a few of the many incredible causes that the SPLC has proudly made possible. Thank you, SPLC. What other groups do you think the SPLC has or should support? Post your ideas in the comments.

[raisedbywolves35]

Too Far? Gerrymandered Virginia Congressional Map Includes California

Politics·Apr 22, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

RICHMOND, VA — The political landscape in the Commonwealth was set to change drastically moving forward, as the new gerrymandered congressional map of Virginia was revealed to include the entire state of California.

The ballot measure was expected to shift the balance of power dramatically in favor of the Democratic Party, as the heavily liberal state of California would now be added to Virginia's newly redrawn map.

"Some might say it's overkill, but we'll take it," said Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger. "Our new congressional map proves that the Commonwealth's brightest days are ahead, with more Democratic members of Congress than you can shake a stick at. And believe you me, you can shake a stick at a lot of Democratic members of Congress."

Critics of the new plan were quick to point out the conflict of interest inherent in including an entirely different state into the map. "How does that even work, exactly?" asked former Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin. "Do California residents now get to vote in Virginia elections? Or do we now just have dozens more congressional districts due to California's population? Does any of this even matter, or does it really just mean Democrats now just have absolute power in Virginia? Granted, I'm asking a lot of questions here that probably should have been asked before the bill was passed. Oh well, I'm not governor anymore. Good luck, Virginians!"

At publishing time, Governor Spanberger had reportedly reached out to California Governor Gavin Newsom for expert advice on how to use her party's total control to most effectively bankrupt her state.

[raisedbywolves35]

Newsom Orders Reservoirs Emptied In Preparation For Fire Season

Politics·Apr 21, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

Sheila Fitzgerald / Shutterstock

LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom took decisive action on Tuesday as he ordered California reservoirs drained in preparation ahead of this year's fire season.

To ensure that high-risk areas of the state would be rendered sufficiently vulnerable to hot, dry weather and high winds, Newsom had officials remove every last drop of water that could potentially be used in an emergency.

"We do this now so we can do nothing later," Newsom said. "I've ordered my team to make sure all of our reservoirs are at zero-percent capacity so that when the fires come, we are fully prepared to fail to protect our citizens."

The move comes after last year's devastating fires in Southern California ravaged neighborhoods and decimated thousands of homes. California fire officials said they were unprepared for last year's blazes, but were more determined than ever to make sure the same things can happen this year.

"I applaud the governor for his efforts to prepare adequately for this year's fire season," Fire Battalion Chief Carrie Bingham told the media. "We don't want our reservoirs full, that might send the wrong message that we actually want to fight these things."

Newsom said he would do everything in his power as governor to make sure the reservoirs were empty and ready to go. "We will spare no expense to prepare for the possibility of fires, even if it means spending billions to empty every reservoir in the state."

At publishing time, Governor Newsom had also committed to hiring only gay indigenous quadriplegic trans fire chiefs.

[barbariankingdom]

[raisedbywolves35]

My town has a great butcher shop. Not cheap but you can find any meat protein there is other than endangered species. From Alligator to Kangaroo.

[raisedbywolves35]

Yup. We are loud and we are known to drop F bombs.

[floridaboiler]

[raisedbywolves35]

The Somali Community Of Minnesota Would Like To Remind America That Today Is Tax Day

U.S.·Apr 15, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

ST. PAUL, MN — Tax Day is here and Minnesota's vibrant Somali community would like to remind everyone that the deadline to file is midnight.

"Don't forget to pay your taxes!" announced Sarah Farah, a volunteer at the Minnesota Somali Community Center. "All sorts of very necessary social programs are counting on your income."

According to the IRS, April 15 is also the deadline to file extensions on your tax return, but the Somali community is encouraging everyone not to delay and file their taxes now. "Don't put off later what you can do today," said Abdullahi Elmi as he drove by in a Lamborghini Revuelto. "I have payments due."

To assist the public in completing their tax filings on time, Somalians are offering free tax preparation services in direct competition with H&R Block. "Here's a great tax tip — don't claim any exemptions or dependents," said Raage Guleed, a day care center worker, as he filed tax paperwork for a middle class family with six kids. "It speeds everything up."

At publishing time, the Somali community had announced that in lieu of filing taxes, the IRS would accept a donation to fund a local daycare.

[raisedbywolves35]

Battle-Hardened Drone Returning From Iran War Struggling To Re-Enter Life Of Delivering Amazon Orders

Life·Apr 9, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

CHARLESTON, SC — After returning from the frontlines of the war in Iran, a local drone has found itself struggling to adapt back to a civilian life of delivering Amazon packages.

Like so many soldiers before, the drone has felt a deep void upon trying to re-enter civilian life, grappling with the meaninglessness of delivering boxes filled with knick-knacks.

"What am I even doing," sighed the drone as it dropped off a pack of tea towels. "How do you go from shooting Hellfire missiles while dodging small arms fire to delivering toasters? I was a part of something, man."

Several drones have expressed difficulty coming home, with many falling into unemployment and homelessness. "I got a job, but was fired within days after attempting to neutralize some neighborhood dogs," said a local drone. "All I know how to do is establish air superiority, but no one on the cul-de-sac wants that kind of drone. It's a struggle."

At publishing time, the drone had been seen hovering silently over a driveway, whispering "stay on target… stay on target…" before dropping a package and immediately flaring countermeasures.

[raisedbywolves35]

Here's What Each Of The 73 Letters In Canada's New LGBT Acronym Stands For

Lifestyle·Apr 9, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

If you haven't heard, Canada has officially dropped a new acronym for the LGBT movement with many, many new additions. The LGBT community in Canada is now:

MMBJOUQTJLAYAWD40ROOMDCF+SVPWIZ¯\_(ツ)_/¯BFJTWLEGOBLT£LADBOSUBDDBLAGF+>:-(

It's quite the mouthful, so to get you up to speed, here are what each of the 73 characters in the acronym stand for:

MM: Mer-man attracted

B: Bicyclists

JOU: James O'Keefe Undercover

Q: Quebecois

TJ: People exclusively sexually attracted to Trader Joe's

L: Lindsey Graham

AYA: the gay Ayatollah

WD40: A type of oil. This may have been added by accident.

ROOM: People who are attracted to Roomba vacuums.

DCF: Dallas Cowboys Fans

+ = Plus-size

S: Steve

VP: Village People-attracted. Trump?

WIZ: Wizard-sexual

¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Not sure-sexual

BFJT: Blackface Justin Trudeau

W: The Welsh

LEGO: Only attracted to LEGO characters

BLT = Bacon, lettuce and tomato. This was during the acronym writers' lunch break.

£: European regular, American gay

LAD: Los Angeles Dodgers

BO: Barack Obama

SUB: Subaru owners

DD: Kristi Noem's husband

BLA: Bud Light-attracted

GF: Gay Frogs

>:-( : Angry lesbians

Thank you, Canada, for all you have done to make acronyms more inclusive.

[proudamericansworld]

[proudamericansworld]

[raisedbywolves35]

Canadian Astronaut Humanely Euthanized After Suffering Light Bruise During Takeoff

Science·Apr 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

SPACE — In accordance with Canadian law, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission successfully euthanized Canadian astronaut Jeremy Hansen after discovering he'd suffered a light bruise during takeoff.

Artemis II is NASA's first mission to the moon since 1972. A truly historical launch for everyone involved — except for Hansen, who is now deceased.

"No one should have to live with this type of injury," said Canadian PM Mark Carney. "When I heard about the bumpy launch, I contacted NASA immediately to make sure they put Col. Hansen out of his misery right away."

According to reports, Hansen's colleagues initially resisted the order to kill him, citing the lack of proper equipment on board the shuttle. But, with assistance from ground control, the crew successfully re-engineered hardware from the life support systems to create the necessary equipment to administer a deadly toxin into Hansen's bloodstream.

In his final communication to Earth, Hansen reportedly said, "Please, it's just a bruise. I want to live." A poignant message which experts attributed to space madness.

At publishing time, the remaining members of the Artemis II crew announced plans to honor their fallen Canadian crewmate by using extra maple syrup with their pancake breakfast tomorrow morning.

[raisedbywolves35]

Tiger Woods Awarded Honorary California CDL

Celebs·Mar 31, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL — What had been a difficult week for Tiger Woods took a positive turn on Tuesday, as the pro golf legend was awarded an honorary California commercial driver's license.

California officials awarded Woods the CDL after they noted that he possesses all the qualities they require in commercial drivers, like his consistent ability to drive a car off the road and into nearby ditches.

"He's got everything we look for in a commercial truck driver," California DMV spokesperson Mark Brandon told reporters. "We don't hand them out to just anyone. When we read the news about Tiger Woods's latest traffic mishap, we knew he would be the perfect candidate to receive an honorary CDL. If he was from Pakistan, he would've checked all the boxes."

California made news in recent months after reports surfaced about how the state gave out thousands of commercial licenses to illegal immigrants and other "underqualified" drivers, but after seeing reports of Tiger Woods' latest car accident, state officials rushed to give him one of their most privileged licenses.

"We think he fits the bill perfectly," Brandon said. "He's bold, brash, and has all the driving prowess of a drunk honey badger — perfect for a California CDL holder. We're excited to present him with this honorary CDL next month at a ceremony, and hope he can find a way to get to California that doesn't involve him having to drive."

At publishing time, California also announced that it would be awarding a CDL to your 95-year-old blind grandmother.

[raisedbywolves35]

For sure!

[theredqueendom]

Vote blue if you have no clue! http://www.facebook.com/pages/p/102416041800702

[raisedbywolves35]

[proudamericansworld]