Personal Blog

[raisexyourxvoice]

[raisexyourxvoice]

It’s so difficult to know what’s the right thing to do. My heart feels so broken, doesn’t help when every time we have a argument you then go and add a new girl on Instagram. That’s not right, it’s kills. Like your already trying to find my replacement, like I mean so little to you. I wish you cared but you don’t and your pushing me away.

[raisexyourxvoice]

I’m tired of being judged for past mistakes, my past mistakes don’t define me. It’s like I have a grey cloud looming over my head because someone constantly wants to use it against me. THEN LEAVE ME, GO. Stop playing the victim when you knew 2 years ago when we got together and you stayed. Stop acting like you can never be wrong, that you we’re there and knew how I felt. I tried so hard with you, fought for you, always put in effort with you. But you keep putting me down, calling me names, making me feel more and more of a shit person. Telling me you don’t want to marry me! Do you even know how that makes me feel? Do you even care? What kind of future husband does that? It’s verbal abuse. You think i like that this hurts you so much, you think I want you to think those things about me. But you don’t help yourself, what can I do but making me constantly feel like a bad person and shit for 2 years it’s enough. I’ve had enough. You don’t appreciate me at all! I don’t deserve that. You constantly playing with my head. It’s driving me insane. I’m scared to marry you, honestly I don’t even know if I want to anymore because of this.

[lifeiswonderfullyyours]

[raisexyourxvoice]

It’s been a while since I let out my feelings on here, I didn’t for a while because I was just happy. I had truly thought my patience had paid off, I thought I was able to be with the person I consider my soulmate. We had a date to get married Sunday 29th November 2020. But he left me again, you would think I knew this would happen again. I was scared but I let myself get swept up into the love that I wasn’t being realistic. Even after booking a date to marry, all our families knowing. Still I wasn’t enough, I was so excited and happy to be marrying my best friend. Now I feel so broken and empty, I just don’t know how to get through it. I haven’t stopped crying, I fall asleep crying (not that I sleep much) & I wake up crying. I feel so shattered, like am I not meant to be happy. Everything just keeps going wrong for me, what am I doing so wrong. Im not a bad person, I’m not the devil or evil, I never have the intention of hurting anyone but somehow I find myself doing that without doing anything in the present. I can’t imagine my life without him and it kills me thinking I have to get used to it. I haven’t told my family yet because I need time and I’m not ready to face reality yet. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. How could he leave me again, I thought we were stronger, he was going to be my husband. I was going to commit the rest of my life being with him, it’s a big commitment, that I don’t take lightly. But still he thinks of me so badly and believes he knows what’s going through my head when clearly he doesn’t. If he did he would know how much I love him, I adore him, I care for him, I’m lost without him, he’s all I ever wanted and more. I built a bond with his family and I already love them as my own. How much more can my heart take, I have never left him but he always leaves me. I look at his pictures, videos and listen to his recording of him singing which has always melted my heart. I can’t help it even though I know it’s not helping. But I don’t think anything could help at this point. He wiped me from his life again & I’m so alone. How can someone treat me like that when I love them and been so good and loyal. I don’t get it, why do they have to dig into a time you didn’t know they existed. Why can’t we just be happy now with what we have between us, why should we care about anything else when we have to much love between us. How can I trust someone again. I need and want someone to love me completely and accept me for who I am today & appreciate me, care for me, support me & never leave me. To show me I mean more to them than anything.

[raisexyourxvoice]

Sometimes I wish I could just take out my heart, so I stop feeling for a moment & the things that effected me have stopped.

[raisexyourxvoice]

I’m trying so hard to be strong, but it’s not easy. I just want to be happy with the person I love but now I’m always used to him leaving and I shouldn’t be used to that. I try hard not to hold too much hope because it’s always taken away from me in an instant. Every time he comes Bk I put in my 100% effort and love but he still leaves every time. How much more of this can I take, I don’t have the intention of walking away or giving up. But I’m struggling, he doesn’t realise that I’m hurting too. I hate that he feels the way he does and I don’t know what I can do to fix it. But it’s not fair on me either, I’m trying my best. A part of me is like I should let him go because I will never be good enough for him and I don’t want to hurt him anymore. But then a bigger part wants to hold on to him and hang on to that little hope I have left because I love him. He thinks I’m strong but I’m really not.

[raisexyourxvoice]

Tired!

You know what I’m tired of, I’m tired of being judged, I’m tired of never being good enough, I’m tired of being made out like I’m a slut when I’m not one in the slightest. I’m tired of being too good for those who don’t deserve me, I’m tired of always putting my 100% in and not getting the same in return. I’m tired of being left again and again, I’m tired of someone not knowing my worth. I’m tired of people making assumptions about me, I’m tired of my mistakes being used against me, I’m tired of no one appreciating me, I’m tired of always being made out to be the bad person, I’m tired of being seen a certain way just because I’m a girl. I’m tired of always having to defend myself and reassure people. I’m tired of burying my feelings and walking on egg shells around yours, I’m tired of begging you to stay, begging you to love me. I’m tired of being tired!

[raisexyourxvoice]

It’s over

I guess it’s over once again, you’ve left me once again when I have shown you nothing but love and effort. But you leave me with such negative thoughts in your head about me, I’m disgusting to you. You didn’t deny it and that killed me. I can’t believe that you see me that way, you don’t deserve someone like me then if you can’t see who I actually am & see what I do for you. Your happier and at peace without me apparently, guess you’ve lied to me all this time then, saying things I want to hear. You never appreciated me, I was never good enough for you. Good luck to you, left me feeling shit about myself. So thank you!

[raisexyourxvoice]

Lost

I don’t even know where to start, I’m so depressed whenever you not there or when we’re not speaking. The last things you said to me were cruel, am I that much of a bad person? It seemed like you meant it and that breaks my heart. I hate how we are so good then suddenly turn so toxic. I’m not built to handle this much pain, am I stupid for loving you? I don’t want to beg you like I normally do because you crossed the line with me and why should I be the one chasing you after what you said to me. I’m trying so hard to stay strong but I’m so broken. I just want to disappear.

[raisexyourxvoice]

I’ve lost him 😔

He left me again, I’ve lost count of how many times he has walked out of my life now. I always let him back in with open arms, no matter how much pain it has caused me. It’s gets harder each time, each time I’m left a little bit more broken than the last. Honestly, he leaves me for my past, a past I want to leave behind me, a past I have moved on from. I wish he didn’t hold this against me every time, I wish he acknowledged me for who I am, appreciate me and see the effort & love I constantly make with him. It’s so easy clearly for him to leave every time, so easy for him to block me like I meant nothing to him. It just makes me feel so shit about myself, like I don’t deserve love or happiness. Like do I even wanna be here anymore ?

[raisexyourxvoice]

I am not defined by my mistakes!

In life we sometimes do stupid things, at the time are intentions are not bad but then we end up in situations we never wanted or knew would happen. I would never cheat on you or seek out another guy for the purpose of getting to know them, when my love for you is and always has been so genuine and I would never be disloyal. Yes, trust has been broken but I’m still here trying, showing love and loyalty. But you don’t believe the things I say, you continue to be negative about it and use this one mistake to define me. That line “it is what it is”, scars me, am I being selfish by staying in your life when I bring you clearly so much hurt and pain, when you can’t even trust me or believe my words ? You don’t know, after this, after everything, my wall is back up and even stronger. I’m not confident, my self esteem isn’t good. I feel low really low, if you think I can easily walk away and into someone else’s arm then you are mistaken. I see myself as stupid, worthless & not good enough, maybe even more stupid for staying and putting myself through this torment of you constantly using my mistake to define me and listening to how low you think of me. Maybe it would be easier if I didn’t love you but Idk how to unlove you, same time I don’t want to. I’m sorry!

[raisexyourxvoice]

You have no idea!

You have no idea what’s going on in my head, how low I feel, how crap I feel about myself. I feel so unloved & unhappy, I can’t even talk to you about it because you don’t understand, you just carry on, joke around. I’m suffering! And you can’t even see it. I’m so broken & I need you but your not there. Maybe I don’t deserve happiness or love. I give so much but what about me ? What do I get? I’m so empty.

[raisexyourxvoice]

Chin up babe!

Why do we sometimes see ourselves as inadequate, unworthy of love & not good enough? Why must we think so low of ourselves? Have we been affected so much by other people and society that we now look down on and belittle ourselves ? It’s sad really, we care too much about what people think of us and how they see us that we start to feel insecure, have low confidence and self esteem. But we forget about the people who we have around us, that actually know us, love us & accept us for who we are as a person. These others who don’t know us are narrow minded people who can’t see our worth and who don’t give us the chance to even show them who we are. But the main thing is that we should love ourselves, be happy and content with who we are and embrace it. Allow the people that love and care for you to be there for you and to be around you, instead of isolating and neglecting yourself. Because that is a very lonely path to walk down but no path has to be walked down alone. Your stronger than you think & I will always love you x #wishicouldtakemyownadvice

[raisexyourxvoice]

Purest heart ❤️

We have our ups and downs, we may not always understand one another. We don’t have the same mentality, we see things differently & think differently. We may not agree with one another or believe one another at times. But one thing we do know deep down in our heart is that we have so much love for one another. We constantly wish one another the best and want us to be the best versions of ourselves. I know you battle with your own thoughts at times and you think that you know what I’m thinking or feeling but fact is you don’t, you tell yourself these things not to hurt yourself but in case it ever is true that you prepare yourself for it and can say you knew it. No surprises right? Yes, it does get to me sometimes because I so badly want you to believe your literally it for me, I have no space in my mind to think about irrelevant things or people when I’m with you. I want you to love yourself, know your worth and I know you have the purest heart, your such a beautiful person inside and out. You only deserve good people in your life who love and accept you fully for you. There is light at the end of every tunnel & I will always be there waiting for you to come out ❤️

[quotemadness]

“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.”

— Alain de Botton

[raisexyourxvoice]

Painful love

When someone you love so dearly says things to you that hurt you & cut you, why do you forgive them again so easily, even if they didn’t even apologise? Even if, they didn’t think they did anything wrong or take responsibility & ownership. Are we that weak? Are we that attached & blinded by love? Even though you know you have no future because you will never be good enough for them. Sometimes doesn’t it make you feel stupid & naive? How can love be so beautiful but yet sometimes so painful? But I love him so much & he has so many good qualities and when we are good & happy, it’s so special & powerful. But one knock & we are back to this painful & heartbreaking point. We don’t deserve that, especially when we put them before ourselves & would carry the weight of the world on our shoulders for them. I trust actions not words anymore!