rambles from a shambles

[ramblingirl-blog1]

TAMW you genuinely want to die but still have enough sanity to want it to be painless and won't actually hurt yourself

That active decision to walk that extra bit slower when crossing the road or standing closer to the edge of the train platform silently willing for an accident to happen and end you of your misery

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Tired

Tired of being ignored. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of being misunderstood and undermined. Sick of false promises of support and care. I'm just tired of it all and that tiredness is both physical and emotional. I just want to go into an eternal sleep so I don't have to constantly end up back in this dark place.

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Low mood

Feeling super lonely and down today. Just zero motivation to do anything. I try and reach out to people but I get dismissed. It's hard because it's a constant battle between my intrusive thoughts of "they're busy too" and "they don't care". Although I'm not one to blatantly voice my feelings and emotions so understandably they aren't to know. Yet I can't help but to also think if they cared enough surely they'd realise?? Idk.

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Ponderings

So I'm starting to realise my lethargy and constant tiredness. Alongside that I can feel myself gradually isolating myself more and more which isn't a good sign. It's frustrating because I've just started full time work and I can't deal with it. It's mentally and physically draining. Maintaining a social life when I was drowning in free time was hard enough. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Festivals

So I've always had an eclectic taste in music, growing up in an Irish family my childhood was a mix of rebel songs, Johnny cash and magic FM. Then growing up in London lead to ndubs, drake and giggs making there way into my rotation alongside my two older siblings very different tastes. Both lead to me listening to the likes of system of a down and Belinda carslile. When I turned 18, after working in Irish bars since the age of 14, I decided to work at festival's and genuinely it was one of the best decisions of my life. 3 years down the line I now manage alongside some of my closest friends and have made a family through my summer job, I love it. In fact it was whilst working at a festival, I was given the push to finally do this.

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Intro to me

So I'm a girl in my 20s, living in my naturally unhealthy family home (it is Tumblr after all). I have an older brother and sister, and when I say old I mean the closest to my age is 10 years older than me so those relationships are FUN. One of my parents works away alot and the other is now retired but I rarely see either for a multitude of reasons. I grew up that asshole who never revised and managed to do well in exams, until the exams got important. The one exam I actually revised for I did the worst in (naturally). Went on to university to do a healthcare course which didn't work out, and instead worked as a nursing assistant for 6 months. Moved back after events forced me to and ended up back in my comfortable 0h agency hospitality job and have been here ever since.

[ramblingirl-blog1]

Stories

So, in my 21 years on this earth I've been told numerous times that I should write a book because of the weird situations I find myself in or experiences I have been through. So da daaaaaa. I also find writing thoughts down to be quite therapeutic when the world gets too much. Naturally venting always helps but I find doing it upon a blank canvas to be even more fulfilling.