Ramblings of a Wandering Soul @ramblingsofawanderingsoul-blog - Tumblr Blog

I am both silk and sandpaper. And damn proud of both.

I wish I could tell you I still think of you. And how I hope you're happy.

I really like you. It’s so funny/kinda pathetic that only after hooking up with you once I’ve started liking you. (Also thank you for going down on me first and making out with me after you came in my mouth, that made me happy in a really silly way lulz) I don’t really care though, I’m fine with it being pathetic. It doesn’t really matter because I’m leaving tomorrow and I probably won’t see you/talk to you until thanksgiving or not even then. But you seem like a genuinely really great guy, and I’m happy that I started liking you because it shows me that I can like the right people. At least eventually. It was really nice to be in your arms… I forgot how nice it was to fall asleep next to someone. And talk to someone for hours before being able to fall asleep. I’m realizing how lame I sound, but whatever this is just for me and it’s cool. Feelings are alright to have. And I’m not gonna lie to myself, I’m just telling the truth. I can’t help what I feel. And I feel like you’re a really special person. And I hope you are happy, that’s all I care about, cause it seems like you really deserve it.

#abouthim

There’s someone out there for me. Fucking remember that. I am valuable even when I feel like the antithesis of that. I am. I should feel good and I should be appreciated by someone eventually. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.

#trying to help myself #aboutme

I haven't written about you at all lately. I don't really think about you very much anymore, but I got caught thinking about you the past few days. It started when I saw E posted a picture on Instagram that looked like you and him at first glance. I tapped the picture and saw that it wasn't you. I scrolled down and I read that this friend of E's had passed away. My stomach dropped. Losing a friend is such a difficult thing that I can't help but empathize with, but even more so it could have been you in that picture and you the one who passed away. I don't know how to leave things with you, because if that had been you that suddenly died I wouldn't be able to function anymore, I would've broken down completely. But it's weird because we don't even talk anymore and I'm pretty positive it's better to leave it at you thinking I'm a crazy bitch than anything else. It's funny how romantic relationships work, because you were my closest confidant and such a huge part of my life and now you're a stranger again and a tiny part of my life way in the background. But I hope you know that I'll always truly care about you no matter how much I try to forget about it to heal. I guess I'd want you to know that if anything happened to either of us. It's fucked up, but I've seen a lot of death at young ages around me and life is fucking fragile and it can be so unfairly short for some. I was looking through all the pictures in my texts between me and my mom and I came across some really sweet ones M took of C and I for our "couple" shoot. Despite it being a pretty laughable thing now, I realized something while I was looking at those photos. I will never hate C. I valued what he taught me and that he taught me that I could be loved. On the surface I can say I hate him and yeah, he totally sucked ultimately, but in my heart of hearts I won't ever truly hate him at all. Another thing he taught me was what heartbreak was, and I knew I never wanted to feel that again. But I was willing to risk feeling that heartbreak again, for you. You were that important to me, that special. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realized when I was looking at those pictures that C was my puppy love, my first try at any type of real relationship. And in contrast, you were my first real love. I can say without a doubt that I truly loved you. And I'm learning that loved, in past tense instead of present, isn't always a bad thing when it comes to relationships even in spite of my lingering fear of love changing to loved. I will always have a certain care for you, but now it's not called love. But we did. We loved each other. We fell in love, and I can say with all certainty that I knew you loved me too. Just to know that, it still makes me happy. It still makes me feel beautiful and like I deserved to be loved, even if it ultimately did change from love to loved. I always felt respected by you, I always felt equal, and I always felt the connection we had. That's a really rare and beautiful thing. And I'm lucky to have had that experience with you.

#abouthim #aboutus #reflections

ugh fuck you fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuckkkkkk u

#abouthim #howitended

I don't know if I miss being naked in front of you, or miss appreciating my body in its most natural form.

#abouthim #aboutme

You’re still the only person that gives me butterflies.

#abouthim

I heard the other day that your brain registers heartbreak in the same way it registers physical pain. I’ve felt those pangs before, so it only made sense. But now, I feel them again because of you. When I leave myself be for a moment, there’s a heaviness in my chest. I forget sometimes that you’re the thing causing it. I miss you so much. But you gave up on me. You did. And it’s your loss… At least that’s what I have to keep telling myself to get through this. Even though I know it’s my loss too. It was your choice, and now these pangs belong to you. I know you’d hate to be the source of my tears, but the more I’m away from you the more this is true. You gave up on me. Again. I don’t think you know how painful that is. The person I loved, who I trusted and thought loved me, didn’t want to be with me, twice. That fucking stings, you know. And I know there’s no malice behind it, but when it comes down to it you just didn’t want to be with me, for a second time, even. And when I think of that, I can’t help but feel small. You always wanted me to feel beautiful, appreciated, and loved. And now I’m sitting here feeling none of those things. The truth is, these things I write are to distract myself from actually talking to you. But I know that’s probably not a difficult feat for you. It’s probably easy. You probably maybe sometimes still think of me. But I bet it doesn’t register as pangs in your chest, or pain in that part your brain. I bet it’s just a passing thought, of something that reminded you of me, and no feelings accompanied. I bet it you don’t think about talking to me as much anymore. I bet you’ve found girls to distract you or maybe you just don’t even need distractions like I do. I don’t know. I guess I don’t need to be making silly bets to myself. But I wonder what you’re thinking a lot. I try to imagine what you’re feeling or what you’re up to now that I don’t know anymore. I’ll never know anymore, I guess. But at least I didn’t give up on you. That fucking hurts.

#abouthim #howitended

I’m pretty sure I think of you every single night while I’m trying to fall asleep. Sometimes it’s happy and comforting. But lately it’s been sad. Why did you have to break up with me like this? I really feel so left behind by you. It really felt so out of the blue. And you said you still love me… I wonder if thinking of someone else with me makes you as disheartened and uncomfortable as me when I think about you with someone else. I wonder if you feel like the mental and physical connection we had was so powerful and beautiful, that you can’t bring yourself to kiss another pair of lips anytime soon. But maybe you already have. You probably have. Drunkenly or something. And thinking about that fucks me up. I’m still in love with you in so many ways. I don’t want anyone else. But it feels like I probably should, because you probably will. And it makes me feel pathetic. I know I can’t live my life just hoping we’ll end up together again. I can’t just hope that you’ll be there in the end. Because that’s not how you live. You live in the moment. And many of those moments will be spent without me in sight or mind. And there will be more moments where one day you fall head over heels for a girl who isn’t me. And then even more moments. Moments that lead to engagement, marriage, a family. And I’m not in those moments in the least bit. But maybe I’d still be waiting for you. I’d be happy for you. I always want you to be happy. Any girl that makes you happy makes me happy no matter how much I wish it were me. But it makes me wonder. I wonder if she’d say something that you were both thinking of in the same moment like we would do. I wonder if she would adore your laugh, especially the one where you laugh your very most unaltered laugh, like I did. If that laugh would always put a smile on her face or sometimes in her soul. I would wonder if she would crinkle her nose then laugh and tell you your armpits smell like celery, and pluck hairs and squeeze zits for you. If when she was in your arms, she felt as safe and appreciated as I did. If she falls asleep easily next to you because you calm her very being. If she felt like you were absolutely her best friend, but also her lover. If she felt like she could never bear losing you because your souls somehow go together. Because your humor was so perfectly understood by each other. Because you make her strong where she is weak, and she hopes to hell she does the same for you. Fuck. I really do love you, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving you.

#abouthim #howitended

You know what sucks? Fucking finals you don’t want to take, getting broken up with, and trying to figure out your whole fucking life all at the same time. Yeah. Fuck

#abouthim #howitended

And even if it starts to fade, a piece of me will always love a piece of you.

#abouthim #aboutus #howitended

Hi, it’s me talking to myself on the phone again cause I can’t talk to you anymore. Actually we talked earlier for the first time in a little bit and it was so easy to laugh and have fun with you. We still think the same things at the same time and make each other laugh with weird ass stuff. I miss that so much. I keep getting feelings that we really are meant to be together in some way in the future. And it makes me kind of sad because I don’t want to not move on and be stuck on you, but at the same time I feel such a connection with you anyways. It makes me happy to think that maybe years down the road we could get back together again, but how do I move on in the mean time? What if you forget about me? What if we fall in love with different people? Or only one of us falls in love with someone else? It scares me. You understand me. You make me happy. And it’s really hard to let that go. I’m really scared it’s going to fade away. And I experienced such a good love with you, it’s scares me that that will never happen again. I agree with both need to grow up and do things on our own, but having you in my life in general makes me happy. Whether that’s as my boyfriend, or just as a friend, I want you there. But again, I don’t want to be pathetic and stay in love with you forever if it’s over between us… It’s a line that’s a hard balance, but hopefully someday I’ll understand it better. Also, I know I’ll probably look back on this and laugh, either cause it’s really right or really wrong. But I feel like you’ll be my husband someday. And you’d be an amazing one at that. Even if I’m wrong and it ends up being with someone else. I love you, cutie.

#abouthim #aboutus #howitended

It’s only been a mere week and a day since we broke up. And I already miss you like crazy. I wish I could just talk to you, just vent to you. I’m so stressed out and my body is completely freaking out. Hell, I probably would’ve told you about the random diarrhea I had tonight and I would probably complain to you about my weird cold/sinus infection. Missing you this way is so different than missing you because of the miles between us. It’s a lot harder. I know a relationship over the phone didn’t do it for you, which I totally get because like I’d rather not have it be over the phone either. But at least you were there. You were my best friend. I miss my best friend so fucking much right now. I wish I could just text you and tell you I miss you, or tell you about all the interesting articles I read tonight about sex and sexuality and even sex ed in Australia that’s really awesome. Or how I was reading about peoples’ sexual experiences and how I am (was) so lucky to have someone who always cared what I felt or needed or was comfortable with and that you are more successful than the majority of men because apparently a lot of them can’t make a woman come orally like ever or during sex only like half the time. I wish I could text you and just know you’re there. But I can’t. We need to move on, or I guess at least I do. But I don’t really want to, that’s the hard part. Texting each other would be bad for both of us, but I’m literally crying as I type this I miss you so much. Maybe it’s more sad because I’m scared you’re gonna forget about me and then go have sex with a bunch of random girls and this sounds so stupid, but in my brain I just always want to be your number 16. Obviously this probably won’t happen soon and it’s incredibly selfish of me to not want you to sleep with other people but I think it’s natural at this point so whatever. I’m just writing this to get it out of my brain so I’ll stop crying so I’m pretty sure you’ll never see this anyways.

#abouthim #aboutme #aboutus #howitended

i wish i could appreciate myself. i find that i compare myself to others so often that i just seem like worthless pile of haphazardous crap strewn about the earth. i often wonder if people do the same thing to me. do they get jealous of me like i get jealous of them? a human looks so much better from an outside perspective. i’m afraid the inside perspective is quite dark and hostile. at least in my experience. so maybe everyone feels this way, but no one ever can truly express it, so perhaps we’re all stuck in this dumb jealous cycle. but if you break free, man oh man, you’re now a cocky asshole. i mean it’s really hard to feel good about yourself without being an asshole. it’s hard to feel good about yourself without thinking terribly demeaning thoughts about others around you. and that’s a really sad thing. perhaps it’s about balance. to find the right combination of modesty and confidence. i can try. we all can try. but most of the time, i just feel like shit about myself.

#aboutme #aboutallofus

i know i disappoint a lot of people. i’m really sorry about that.

#aboutme

I came to you gasping for air. And you pushed my head back under without a flinch. Who the hell are you? You’re not the person I fell madly in love with. That boy is long gone, but I’ll always love the lost one. And I’ll learn to remember you are not him anymore. I’ll learn to not to come to you anymore, unless I want to be hit while I’m down. I miss that lost boy. I’ll spend my life mourning what we had because that boy is lost and never to be found.

#abouthim #howitended

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