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Unhinged rambling of a 🏳️‍⚧️ girl. MDNI 🔞 may share some art and stuff

[ramblingsofayapper]

TW: death, dying, loss of loved one

*taps mic* is this thing on? It’s been a while since I left you, and a lot of things have happened. I just want to preface this by saying I AM OKAY. I am not sick or injured… everything is fine. These are just some thoughts I’ve have lately.

Lately, I have been thinking about my own death. Hard to say why but probably because I am entering a new decade of life soon. Maybe it is the politics. Hard to say.

But I look back at my life and I feel like I have for the most part accomplished very little, and I am not talking about how “I’m sad I never made the Forbes 30 under 30 list” type shit… I just feel like I haven’t impacted many lives. When I was in college, in a fit if depression albeit, I decided I wanted to go to grad school and do some research that could improve… someone’s life.

By graduation I knew what burnout was, or at least I thought I did, so I did a service year as a break saying I would return to grad school after a year… but then I ended up going into the workforce, and COVID happened… and it feels like 2020 was just yesterday.

But this feeling is exacerbated because of changes, I am experiencing. I am back in classes, hoping to enter nursing school by spring or fall 2026. I realized I like being a polymath, I like learning about things I haven’t known previously. But it feels like I am learning this too late, because what if I die soon? I feel like I am so close to making connections, to seeing how things interact on a deeper level, and I might be able to not just be good but be great, maybe I can be a little influential.

I don’t fear death, I fear that the total sum of my live will be nothing or negligible. Because what was this all for, if in the end the story of my life is “be nicer to people” or “think about others than yourself because your vote my cut short, or limit or hamper someone who could make real change.” That last one was a little conceded and ego bloating, and I am not saying it is bad thing to inspire people to be nicer( or to smile more, or to appreciate the little things. Hell I would even be happy if people looked back and said “that frysky, she taught me a funny joke, I will always think of her when I tell it”…. But truth be told, not sure if anyone will even remember me for jokes, not sure if anyone will be nicer because of me.

[lemeute]

David Attenborough fought to put transgender people on TV 45 years ago, secret BBC memo reveals

aka "some cool trans women got airtime in 1973 to tell their own stories, and I sure have feelings about it"

anything that contains the phrase “secret BBC memo reveals” intrigues me automatically ngl but I want you all to know that as far as I can gather, the facts are even better than this headline

which is to say, this was part of an initiative in the early 1970s that not only featured marginalized groups on BBC programming, but made moves towards handing them editorial control – the BBC had to approve proposals, but after that, the station’s role was primarily to provide technical resources, facilities, and copyright handling. (another notable program under this initiative featured Black teachers discussing racism in the school system, and a link to that – plus discussion of the hurdles it faced – can be found here).

the program on trans experience was aired in 1973.

The programme, featuring trans women, began: “Jokes about ‘the operation’ are all that most people know about transexualism [sic]. Tonight’s group discuss their situation in a more serious and comprehensive way, and draw attention to the many difficulties they endure”.

you can watch Open Door: Transex Liberation Group here (as well as other archived LGBTQ programming from BBC). 

[daily-spooky]

[less-sexy-secrets]

✨

[ramblingsofayapper]

✨but also ⭐️🌘⭐️

[our-queer-experience]

reblog for something t4t to happen to you this summer.

[our-queer-experience]

reblog for something t4t to happen to you this autumn.

[our-queer-experience]

reblog for something t4t to happen to you this winter

[our-queer-experience]

reblog for something t4t to happen to you this spring

[our-queer-experience]

‼️‼️reblog for something t4t to happen to you forever ‼️‼️

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[ramblingsofayapper]

The moon is pretty

[ash-rigby]

TIME TO RANDOMIZE YOUR GENITALS

Based on this post. Reblog and tag what you got on the wheel! In the event this breaches containment; I'm a monsterfucker so be warned that a good chunk of these reflect that.

How do you like your new equipment?

THIS IS THE IDEAL

This is pretty good!

Eh, could be worse

I'm neutral about my genitalia either way, so

I already have this! What a rip 😡

I ALREADY GOT RID OF THIS ONCE WTF!!??

I hate it here

Voting ended onFeb 19, 2025

[ramblingsofayapper]

I already have this wtf?

[ramblingsofayapper]

This blog has sort of been a diary lately, rather than a blog… but it’s alright I know this is public so I don’t post anything too personal.

Anyway, I have been having this weird dream, a few times a year, every year, for the past few years. Well it’s not usually exactly the same but they all have the same premise. I am back in high school or just school in general, and I just cannot focus on anything. I cannot focus on my schedule to remember to go to class, I cannot focus to remember tests and miss them. It always comes down to the end of the semester and I am set to fail and repeat the class. Then I remember that I graduated high school or graduated college and i am like “why do I need to be here? I am nearly qualified to teach the course and yet I have to retake it?”

I don’t know, I wonder if there is something you can analyze from the dream. I wonder if dream analysis is even credible at all. But it is really odd dream and always ruins my night/morning because I wake up so stressed.

[ramblingsofayapper]

Sometimes I see symbols in dreams and such and I keep them in my head to try and draw them later on. Tonight I tried to draw one from memory and then started adding some extra elements into it. I ultimately came up with this concept, and I want to continue working on this piece because I have some ideas of extra symbolism I could add to it.

But, sometimes I draw to not necessarily get what is in my mind on paper, but I draw to help settle my thoughts. Hard to explain, but I have been having these thoughts on failure and regret lately. I tag all my posts as #trans and #mtf so everyone knows what I am, but I started transitioning really late in life, or at least that’s what it feels like. I started when I was 28, about four months before I turned 29, and I was not lucky with my genetics much at all, like I started losing my hair when I was 19, I keep weight on like nobody’s business. It is just really hard sometimes, and I am not trying to make a depressing post. I just feel like, maybe I should be more open with my struggles because I know I feel good when I see an internet stranger talk about a problem I resonate with, because it makes me feel less alone, and I always wish I could find more mtf girls who talk about issues with like hair insecurity and concerns, so why not be the change I want to see in the world? Because I know it sounds silly, but I so wish I could have at least shoulder length hair. I feel like it would help me pass more (I know passing is a double edge sword but come on… it would make me happy), but my hair on the top of my scalp is so damn thin, it would be obvious and not look good. My hair has gotten so much better on HRT tho and I am grateful but I am coming up on a year of HRT, and Idk if it will get better than this, and that thought scares me, legit petrifies me, because if I cannot have the hair I want… I mean there are multitudes of benefits to HRT besides physical, I am the first to say that I cannot ever see myself with high testosterone again, but I am so close to something I want, and I just don’t know if I can ever realistically reach that finish line, like do you know how expensive a hair transplant is? That is not realistic for me, Idk if it ever will.

Now you see why I called this blog Ramblings of a Yapper, because there is no conclusion. But I just have these thoughts, and these fears, so I draw and I write hoping that… something will come into my mind, that maybe won’t solve my problems, but will help me live with them, make them easier to deal with, and maybe then I can pass that on and help others.

[ramblingsofayapper]

A while ago, I had a dream where these little men in gold armor were standing on my bed, I called them “moon guardians” and I have been thinking about them off and on since, and tonight I just wanted to get something on paper. Ironically enough, the shade I used for the gold armor is called “sunlight.”

Rant:

Tonight I tried to get “better” at drawing, I have always loved it, but sucked at it.

Even when I was in middle school I was pretty much told I sucked at drawing by my teacher, which made me scared to take art in high school. One day I will rant more about how drawing correlates to joy in my life, but that is a later topic.

Sometimes I feel really silly just sharing these doodles online, but to live cringe is to live free. I just wish I could just watch how you go from basic shapes to detailed drawings, because something is just not connecting whenever I watch drawing tutorials.

[ramblingsofayapper]

Another therapy doodle, this came to me in a vision one night during a dream, and I think it looked pretty, just a moon with a thorny plant wrapped around it reaching out to a star. I plan to download Krita soon and try some more ambitious art, but you know… for something done during an hour session while I am also spilling my guts, I don’t think it’s that bad.

[ramblingsofayapper]

I noticed if I doodle during therapy I spill a lot more, so I have taken up doing that recently.

[ramblingsofayapper]

Just something I whipped up today

[catchymemes]