TW: death, dying, loss of loved one
*taps mic* is this thing on? It’s been a while since I left you, and a lot of things have happened. I just want to preface this by saying I AM OKAY. I am not sick or injured… everything is fine. These are just some thoughts I’ve have lately.
Lately, I have been thinking about my own death. Hard to say why but probably because I am entering a new decade of life soon. Maybe it is the politics. Hard to say.
But I look back at my life and I feel like I have for the most part accomplished very little, and I am not talking about how “I’m sad I never made the Forbes 30 under 30 list” type shit… I just feel like I haven’t impacted many lives. When I was in college, in a fit if depression albeit, I decided I wanted to go to grad school and do some research that could improve… someone’s life.
By graduation I knew what burnout was, or at least I thought I did, so I did a service year as a break saying I would return to grad school after a year… but then I ended up going into the workforce, and COVID happened… and it feels like 2020 was just yesterday.
But this feeling is exacerbated because of changes, I am experiencing. I am back in classes, hoping to enter nursing school by spring or fall 2026. I realized I like being a polymath, I like learning about things I haven’t known previously. But it feels like I am learning this too late, because what if I die soon? I feel like I am so close to making connections, to seeing how things interact on a deeper level, and I might be able to not just be good but be great, maybe I can be a little influential.
I don’t fear death, I fear that the total sum of my live will be nothing or negligible. Because what was this all for, if in the end the story of my life is “be nicer to people” or “think about others than yourself because your vote my cut short, or limit or hamper someone who could make real change.” That last one was a little conceded and ego bloating, and I am not saying it is bad thing to inspire people to be nicer( or to smile more, or to appreciate the little things. Hell I would even be happy if people looked back and said “that frysky, she taught me a funny joke, I will always think of her when I tell it”…. But truth be told, not sure if anyone will even remember me for jokes, not sure if anyone will be nicer because of me.














