Lost Academic

I like reading poems and writing words.

[randomreaderet]

dont want to be found, or known, understood or love. i cannot afford to be held or let go why this? why now?

[randomreaderet]

hello and welcome

I am back again. Typing words on to this white box. misplacing my anger into this keyboard letting the sinking feeling in my heart take over there is no reason to bite my tongue or clench my fist no reason to see the world through a blur of my tears for now i am alright there is a whirlwind of thoughts about it could get me anytime there is a monster under my bed i am never brave enough to check i would rather sleep unsettled night after night than know

[randomreaderet]

house music and crippling anxiety

[randomreaderet]

goodbye moon men

I took off the ring that he gave me, and it left a mark on my finger. It was a faint band where the sun had not reached me, the dust had not settled on. Nothing had touched my skin where his ring lay. It was sheltered from the outside world. And when I first took it off I realized how long it had been. Long enough to feel like something was missing. Long enough to feel like I'm forgetting something when I hold my hands or eat my dinner. It wasn't just the ring. My hand instinctively lingered across the dining table in search of him. The other earphone dangled away from my shoulder. Things dont fill me with glee the way they did before. I get excited only to realize that he’s not here. When I study for 8 hours I look up from my desk only to know that he’s not texting me anymore. There's no one on the other side of the phone, or the door who could make everyday better just by being. It was only myself. Myself my insecurities and the most hurtful voices that coincidently, echo the loudest. In a haze of love, I had left everyone behind. I could never truly explain to my friends what upset me because they weren't there when he consoled me for hours when I cried. They only saw him lie, manipulate and eventually leave suddenly only to date someone new. 

@taylorswift

[randomreaderet]

://////////

the more i ruminate each detail,

peeling back old wounds 

the passivity of my concious mind 

a prey to despondance 

like vultures circling the dead

the aftermath of overwhelming joy 

is unending nihility 

[randomreaderet]

:)

i threw away the flowers that you gave me, it pains me to say that i never saw them rot, i like to believe that is because they were given out of love. the love that you had for me that would make you do crazy things like make promises you knew you couldn’t keep, i didn’t even know you when i broke up with you, it felt like you only ever wanted someone to kiss but never to hold, you never confide in me anymore and that the love you gave me had been diverted to someone else. 

there’s plenty of things that i have that remind me of you, your hoodie, your ring, our bracelets, songs that i listen to, my black slippers, my school, the lanes that surround it, the hardwood floors in my room, my white blanket, when i wake up in the morning sometimes and the sun has just began to rise, cats maybe i never needed things to remind me of you altogether because i found you in ordinary things, i sought your love in things you liked.  

[randomreaderet]

the grave of lost dreams

a rotten, pungent odor

a striking reminder of failure 

a sinister whisper in my ears 

humming a tune reminding me I’lll never be enough

[randomreaderet]

:)

break down is an internal issue, an error that causes system disintegration a break up is just sharing that feeling with another person, no matter how clean and perfect a breakup is ripping a person from your life is never easy, thus presenting its own challenges. it causes me to look inward, maybe I was insufficient maybe the insecurities I tried so hard to suppress finally unveiled themselves. this time however I have hope. I refuse to blame myself knowing how much i tried, knowing that my desperate need for love stems from a lifelong disbelief in the concept if love itself, my relationships seem more like an experiment to see if love is real rather than free-flowing, all consuming romance. 

[randomreaderet]

I can feel his touch linger on my back

soft as a feather

something about his restraint and control

is so loving

the kisses he placed on my neck

ring like echos on my skin

hes 4 miles away

but hes everywhere

every thought ends with him

[randomreaderet]

In a time before my own

when letters declared undying love

flowers communicated what words failed to convey

maybe i wouldve belonged then

[daughterofliterature-deactivate]

“I wish you to know

that you have been the last dream of my soul.”

—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

[thehopefulquotes]

“You own everything that has happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

— Anne Lamont

[thehopefulquotes]

“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

— Joseph Campbell

[randomreaderet]

An Ode to an Old Heartbreak

at first his excuses seemed genuine,

he was busy, he was asleep, he had a rough day.

as his neglect increases

you make those excuses for him

he didn’t text me back because he was playing

he ghosted me for a week because he was busy

he posted to his story, maybe he didnt have much time

he didn’t wish me at twelve maybe he’s alseep

but as time passes you realise that he depends on your insecurities to cover his ass for being a bad boyfriend

he still expected you to go the extra mile as he struggled to do the bare minimum

he should’ve cared more, he should’ve prioritised you a little more

when he got jealous you realised it was because he’d realised how much of a stranger he was to you

when he threw a fit everytime you brought up a problem it was because he knew you didn’t have the spine to breakup with him

so there you were on your anniversary

still alone, still empty

this relationship was more suffocating than it was happy

each day where you’d text first, cry to sleep thinking about what you lacked, ignored his late replies, a little insult from his friends and yours now and then

another crack in the glass

until you just couldn’t do it

there you were, crying, shaking typing a message you should’ve typed sooner

you wipe off your tears and as you press send

you realise how touch starved, love deprived and awful you have been for the past two years

all because you can give the benefit of the doubt to people who you care for

but not an ounce of it to yourself

[randomreaderet]

there’s moments so easy to miss if you dont pay attention

how he looks at you and blushes when you say you love olives

how his hands trail the length of your forearm to touch your fingertips

when he walks slower so you dont have to keep up with him

the way he searches you in a crowd

only to smile when his eyes finally find you

the way his hands form just enough space when he invites you for a hug

and the way your scent lingers long after we bid goodbye

[randomreaderet]

his love, gentle as the moonlight

it illuminated the darkest of time

unlike the sun who’s harsh warmth

that tarnishes you over time

his presence was solemn

the sun however ruthless continued to show up

its rays breaking through the densest of clouds

day after day, simply showing up

the moon however gentle, was cruel

hot and cold

drifiting for days at and end

only to return brighter than ever

[randomreaderet]

thinking abt the time when he ordered a doctor pepper for Ava even though they hadn’t spoken in years. Why is the human brain so cute, you remember who you love and every detail about them.