Larissa

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Holiday thoughts:

First off family time went fine externally with no fights or drama. Now internally I feel so mixed. I was dreading and triggered myself before going so that made it difficult to even get up and go see my family. Good news I was able to stay present, not dissociating from my body and also not getting triggered. I did reach a point with my grandma where she loves to talk monologue style where it’s not a conversation and she just feels all the time doing that. I tried to stay engaged but felt burnt out like 30 mins to an hour into it. We interacted with her from 11am to 8pm. I felt it was more tiredness from masking and mental dissociation than a ptsd trigger. Now I’m leaning that I should probably stay back and enjoy my solo time when they go to take her home. Sometimes I see my mom as just a person and I can interact with her very superficially for short periods and other points I get annoyed or guarded just being around her. I’m not sure with what’s up with that. Also I am not feeling warmth or love when I am around my parents. I know we don’t really express emotions and I have furthered my friendships by having deeper emotional conversations with them. It makes it hard to only talk about what they want because I don’t know what to talk about. Or to have silly goofy times where I feel like I float back into the child role which feels familiar in the moment but weird after that I can’t maintain an adult role. Also I know my dad really does love and respect me. This weekend he labored with cooking and completing this long project on my car. I know I have a problem letting people love me and allowing myself to feel warm loving emotions when people express it to me. Could that be part of the reason I don’t feel warmth at home or because there isn’t warmth there.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Thanksgiving thoughts so far:

So I visited my parents last night and we talked for a while. I noticed there were times where I felt rigid internally (like an internal brace where I shut off how I am feeling). I noticed it happened when covid conspiracies, politics, and my mom talking about an emotional topic of her grandma asking for death when she was older. During those times I had to keep relaxing the tension in my body and try to stay present. Which is progress because usually I just stay very guarded and shut off from my internal world. Now I’m lying in bed recalling yesterday and trying to ground myself before getting ready. Is it possible to stay unguarded and stick up for myself when I need to? I’m going to try because it is more comfortable to be grounded then to be rigid and want to stop other people from talking about certain topics. I guess we will see. All that matters is that I am checking in and trying to take better care of myself. If this is not something that does not feel good I can make different holiday plans in the future.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Healing from childhood trauma:

I feel like I was unaware of how much healing is a lot of grief work. Yeah in the early phases of healing it was easy to see that you had to grieve not having a good childhood, not having a good parent, grieving how much you didn’t develop into adulthood, and grieving that you won’t have a good parent in the future but now I feel like I have to grieve everything frequently. For example, I made a mistake with dog sitting and apologized through text and I was expecting her to respond with anger, put downs, or just be done with my services. Fortunately she did not respond that way but with kindness and forgiveness. I guess I’m grieving that I have expectations for everyone to act the way my abuser did and am completely shocked when they don’t. I wish that wasn’t my belief system that people hate me, be overly aggressive, or abandon me. I’m grieving that I don’t have a baseline that is more neurtal with expectations.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

I had some thought pop up that I thought was great. Some weekends I feel good and I want to challenge/conceptualize my past trauma (voluntarily). Some weekends I feel like shit because my past is ganging up on me. (Involuntarily)

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Weird adhd thoughts:

I’m sitting here about to get ready for bed. I’m wanting to pick up some trash in the living room but I don’t want to leave my drink because I won’t finish it. But I don’t want to quickly drink. But I don’t want to wait too long before bed. Wtf. And now I am frozen because neither action feels right. I have to write down my thoughts because I will forget them.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Ugh I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this with trauma and ADHD. I have been recovering from my ptsd nicely and once I started noticing I wasn’t triggered regularly I noticed I still had a hard time initiating tasks aka adhd. My problem now which is a good thing just uncomfortable is that I no longer dissociate much. So I used to watch tv for hours but now get super bored of it quickly 1 hr vs 6-8 hrs. But I also don’t know myself very well and don’t know how to fill my time now that I don’t dissociate that much. Now I am perpetually bored and do random shit like take 30 minute drives to listen to music or just sit outside for hours. What the fuck do people do with their time if they are not dissociating lol

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

I have noticed growth. Last Mother’s Day I was beating myself up for not contacting my mother and was very triggered by everyone’s happy post with their mothers. This year if didn’t feel any shame or guilt about not contacting her. Initially I wanted to stay off social media but it really doesn’t have a sting like it did. I actually feel happy that others are posting about their moms and feel happy enough to post something nice. I also know that no relationship is all great when I look at social media. Wow I didn’t think I could ever feel like this. Therapy has really been helping.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Holy shit I felt like I had a good work / life balance. I was on top of my documentation at work and has been that way all week. I came home and watched tv for a little bit and also cleaned the house a little bit while listening to an adhd podcast. I then showered and washed my hair. I could have put it off another day. I feel really great with the balance today and haven’t said that in a very long time. I know this is probably a rare thing with adhd that will come again maybe in the next month or two but hopefully this “routine” will stick more often.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

That weird/ awful feeling when I realize it’s Mother’s Day next weekend but I have an abusive relationship with my mom so I don’t celebrate with her or acknowledge her on that day. But at work I treat 15-20 patients a day and they usually like to ask about Mother’s Day as small talk. Ugh do I lie to make the convo easy cuz it honestly doesn’t matter and feel like shit for lying. Or do I tell somewhat truth and be percieved as a selfish person. Honestly it doesn’t matter with them. With my 2 coworkers 1 knows I have a “rough” relationship with my mother and will probably ask. Either way I’m keeping it brief.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

No matter what phase of healing you are in is not for the faint of heart.

Whether you are in the traumatic situation currently and just taking it day by day hour by hour minute by minute it’s not for the faint of heart

Whether you are out of the traumatic situation and just trying to ignore it/live your life and struggling to make changes it’s not for the faint of heart.

Whether you are processing trauma and trying to make belief/behavior modifications it is not for the faint of heart.

Whether you are trying to accept yourself and your limitations because of trauma it is not for the faint of heart.

Healing is a bitch but it’s the best thing I have done/ will continue to do.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

You know that joke that’s like “as soon as I loose weight, fix my nutrition, clean my house, do my make up, pay my credit cards off, etc. it’s over for you bitches.”

I made up a trauma version: “as soon as I regulate my nervous systems, decrease addictive behaviors, Improve my inner critic, alter my beliefs, progress to secure attachment, decrease my hypervigilance, process my traumatic memories, learn how to care for myself, set healthy boundaries, reduce codependent behaviors, find my wants/needs/desires, learn healthy communication, feel and express emotions appropriately it’s over for you bitches.”

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

My thoughts:

“Let me do one more line”

You would probably think I’m doing coke.

Nope talking about my latch hook kit.

Embracing my old soul with knitting for New Year’s Eve lol

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Masterpost

The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.

The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.

The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.

The “get stuff done while you wait” method.

The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.

The “break the task into smaller steps” method.

The “treat yourself like a pet” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.

The “put on a persona” method.

The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.

The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.

The “wait for a trigger” method.

The “do it for your future self” method.

The “might as well” method.

The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.

The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.

The “make it easy” method.

The “junebugging” method.

The “just show up” method.

The “accept when you need help” method.

The “make it into a game” method.

The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.

The “trick yourself” method.

The “break it into even smaller steps” method.

The “let go of should” method.

The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.

The “fork theory” method.

The “effectivity over aesthetics” method.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Coincidence?

So sometimes I will feel stuck emotionally and extra moody like I am carrying a 20lb sack on my back. Since I have found out I have been abused as a child about 6 years ago. I have been trying to accept and deal with my emotions. Thursday I was very angry irritated and just tired so I decided to deal with those emotions. I usually lay on the floor or on the bed on my stomach and feel the “void” around my belly button area. It will become overwhelming and I may begin to shake but usually when I am finished I feel lighter and less heaviness in my stomach. I did this 2 nights in a row and feel a whole lot lighter. Well this morning I woke up at 7 on a Saturday. Very weird for me and then I wanted to watch the sunrise. Normally I am not getting out of bed on weekends unless there is food lol. Coincidence or just part of healing that my depression has lifted this morning. I think healing is occurring.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

I am wanting to set a boundary with my family of disrespect me and I leave. It’s scares me to death to do that. I know deep down that my mom can’t change. If she does “change” it is only for a few months at a time and she returns back to her normal of power over me. I think if I bring up that boundary it will blow up in my face where she will just let loose and say everything she wants that she has been holding back since our relationship has changed some over the years. There is a chance that she won’t even try and really reject me by not wanting anything to do with me. I know that it is highly likely if I keep applying boundaries. I also know that her “love” is not real and she only sees me as an object to control. If I do this my whole family life could change including extended family. The more I see the truth the more I can’t stay in this dysfunctional world that I used to live in. I know I deserve so much more than that. It’s one thing if I reject her because I am in control and I choose. It’s another thing if she rejects me. I end up without a mother (which I don’t really have a mother now. She is just a person I came from and have accepted terrible behavior from her. I have basically lived without a mother for the past 5 years or so since I haven’t let her in) but get to finally grieve all of the painful parts and move on with my life. I will finally get to grow into the person I want to become and not her shitty ideas that she has brainwashed me with.

[randomstuffthatmakesyouthink]

Breakthrough

So I was watching a Dave Ramsey money with kids video and they were talking about the benefits of work and tying it in with a spiritual walk. Anyway they mentioned that kid should have commission instead of allowance. So in my life growing up I knew the benefit of hard work with school and athletics but didn’t really get it with chores or relationships. So I have heard of reparenting yourself. Never really looked into it. Thought it would be deep dealing with beliefs. What if instead you made it more practical reparenting yourself now with the way it should have been as a kid. I was thinking about working through a commission at home for chores that would be spent as my fun money based on my budget. But what if you could break everything that you struggle with and teach it like you are 5, 10, or 15 years old but in practical ways. This would be cool for any part of your life. Friendships, physical health, mental health, money, hobbies, career, outlook, spirituality. Maybe I should look at books on raising kids to “raise myself”. Then imagine you fixed your problem areas with the same parenting style. So then you would have even more confidence raising children.

[anxietyproblem]