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@randomthoughtsofarandommind
This could be the most important post I’ve ever shared. Please Share it with anyone who is or might be going through this terrible disease.
https://twitter.com/ItsMa____/status/1345432772538724355?s=19
My mom has fairly severe respiratory issues and is recovering from joint replacement; her PT told her the same info about sleeping/sitting positions and how they impact the lungs. Fascinating.
I’ve seen a lot of posts on my dash tonight about users who are threatening suicide, with other Tumblr members posting in effort to try to get ahold of them. I think you all should see this:
IF THERE IS EVER A TUMBLR USER WHO HAS POSTED A GOOD-BYE MESSAGE, SUICIDE NOTE, VIDEO, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT, PLEASE FOLLOW THIS POST.
1. Scroll to the top of your dashboard.
2. See the circular question mark icon at the top? It’s the third one over from your home symbol. Click on that, and a screen similar to the one in the picture will come up.
3. Where you can type in questions, the box with the magnifying glass at the top, type in the word “suicide.”
4. Click on the first link that shows up. It should say, “Pass the URL of the blog on to us.”
5. Type in the user’s URL and tell Tumblr admin that the user is contemplating suicide and has posted a message indicating that they are going through with it or will be attempting. Hit send! Tumblr administration will perform a number of actions to contact the user and take the necessary steps to prevent the suicide.
TUMBLR: THIS COULD SAVE A USER’S LIFE. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SUICIDE THREATS.
Reblog this to keep other users aware. Suicide isn’t a joke, and neither is someone’s life. If you didn’t know this, someone else may not, either. Pass it on.
why on earth doesn’t this have more notes
I actually had to do this once. She lived.
if you scroll past this on your dash you are absolutely heartless.
Reblog this!! This can save somebody’s life!
reblog.
help.
do not scroll down.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF ANYONE SCROLLS PAST THIS WITHOUT REBLOGGING I WILL LITTERALLY FIND THEM AND GIVE THEM A LECTURE
may I just update this?
see the little thing that says help?
Don’t ever scroll past this post. FUCKING NEVER SCROLL PAST!!!
🌸🌸🌸
Anyone know where it is on mobile ???
You report the user, choose “something else”, scroll down and choose “suicide or self harm”
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN
REBLOG TO LITERALLY SAVE A LIVE
PLEASE REBLOG
Please don’t scroll past this post, you could save someone’s life.
SAVE A LIFE
this. reblogging this on my largest blog for y’all to see this
You can also do this on Android mobile.
Scroll to the top of the post
Click the three dots in the top right corner of the post.
When the menu pops up, click Report Something Else
Then choose Suicide or Self Harm Concern.
Sorry this ain’t my usual content. But this is important.
I will post soon, but this is very important
It’s been so long since I last wrote something not work or school-related, and it’s felt somehow foreign to me. I’ve forgotten how it felt to face a blank white screen and not have to worry about laying out my thoughts right or using the proper words that convey the message with the appropriate tone. I’ve forgotten how in love I was with writing down words that all seemed jumbled in my head and rushing to be the first ones realized in lines and letters on the screen. I’ve forgotten the one thing that I said kept me sane and that I couldn’t imagine myself without. I forgot the magic that I feel from writing. It’s been so long, and writing this one paragraph alone took me a lot longer than how younger me would have. Let’s see how this plays out.
It must’ve been the exhaustion from being back on the grind the past few days, the hormones that come before the monthly visitor, or something else entirely, but tonight’s just one heck of a night that got me sobbing and blurting out the words and sentences to try and describe what’s exactly been eating at me since the day before. It started out with being crabby to realizing that me acting out like a toddler was because of something else entirely that I cannot find in me to voice out until someone finally said, “What’s wrong? What happened?”
A red, snotty nose, and a big word vomit later and I finally got around to admitting something that I guess has been there all along, but I never got around to fully comprehending what it really was—or I simply didn’t want to yet. Because I felt like it was my scapegoat, something that I wore like a talisman to keep my evil negative thoughts away and protect my ego. It was something that I took pride in, but it was also something that got me questioning if I really am where I’m supposed to be.
Almost four years after I graduated, I found myself in a position where I never thought I would be at all at 24: managing an office. Since I decided to pursue clinical psychology, I never imagined myself ending up taking charge of an office and having people to lead. For some reason, I guess it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise that I ended up in the school setting, from how I used to enjoy lecturing to an imaginary class with a small whiteboard and stolen chalk to how I didn’t mind staying back and walking around campus after class (though I wasn’t too fond of projects and outputs). But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself to have gone up from someone learning the ropes to being the one to teach it within a span of two years. Now, I find that while I consider this a big blessing and an affirmation that maybe I’m doing something right in my job, it may also have come too soon and I’ve bitten off more that I could chew. I found myself being forced to play with the all-stars when I’m still trying to survive the little league.
I thought that by the time I finish my second year on the job and my first as a leader, I would be more confident enough to say “I got this!” and mean it. I expected myself to have a clear grasp of things and settle into a more comfortable state where I don’t feel like I’m on my toes all the time. I thought I’ll finally get to say I survived the dark and now I know what I need to do. For a while, that’s exactly how I felt: It seemed to me like I got the hang of things, that I can say that I know what I’m doing, that I’ve proven to myself and those that believe in me that I turned out alright and didn’t make a mess of things. I got a team who I can count on and who are willing to brave obstacles and crazy deliverables with me, and I kept the ball rolling and got the office functioning with a full house of millennials (it seems to be the ONLY full house of millennials in the institution). It felt like I could do it, and can even make it better somehow in the next run. But tonight, I realized that I never got to address how I really felt about this role and how I feel like I’ve been handling it so far.
You see, since I took on the leadership role (and add to that another major role on the side), I’ve had this fear that I might ending up messing things up. Ever since I was in college, this fear has often been at the forefront of something new for me, oftentimes in new “upgrades” and “level ups” in my life. It’s my tendency to draw up scenarios that may happen, but these often involve the possibility of failing or disappointing myself and the ones whose opinions matter most to me.
But it was also my motivation: I knew I needed to work harder because I didn’t want to end up flunking or not even giving it a try before I did. So it fueled a strong sense of conscientiousness and need to deliver quality performance. I felt a lot like I was just fumbling around in the dark, but I had to keep trudging on and risk stubbing my big toe. Whenever I got a hold of something I knew, a sliver of light, I grab onto it and give it my all to make the best of it in the hopes that it makes things a lot clearer for me afterwards. Along the way, I try to change things or wing it, and trust the process that things will work out, as long as I got my team.
Recently, I noticed that I get a little more easily frustrated and worked up over things than before. I tend to be a bit more “I give up,” and “This again?!” rather than “Let’s give it a try.” This thought scares me because this wasn’t who I remembered myself to be, nor is it the person I want to be. I’ve always described myself as optimistic, as someone who was cheerful and who didn’t like staying down all the time. But I hear myself sighing a lot more recently and feeling resigned and frustrated rather than challenged, excited, and motivated. This scares me. Then I suddenly realized tonight another thing that may have added to the weight of things.
One core memory that I could not forget is how I often found myself in meetings where I was the youngest in the group—and this happened a whole lot this year. I found myself in a room full of people who’ve got years of experience and credentials to back them up, where I felt like all I had was my “let me give it a try” attitude and “bad at saying no and speaking up” skills. I felt like I had to wing it all the time and smile and nod as though I understood the jargons thrown my way. I pride myself at being quick to adapt and adjust, but now I can’t help but feel that my efforts may all seem like that of a kid playing pretend in a way too realistic doll house. Tonight, I look back and think, “Wow, I sounded like I know what I’m doing. But did I really?”
Basically, I realized that although I survived the year, I buried down the insecurity I had of feeling like a child seated at the adults’ table. I guess I hoped that it would resolve itself and that in time I’d prove to myself that it isn’t the case, that I could catch up and it was all in my head. Foolish of me to think that. I studied Psychology, I should’ve seen this coming.
Funny how a night’s realization makes you question a year’s worth of confidence. What we’ve pulled off this year is something worth being proud of, considering that we had an overhaul with the team and a total major adjustment. But because of the things I left buried inside and kept pushing to the farthest part of my mind, now I’m left with having to deal with them and questioning if the growth I’ve accomplished is what I’ve wanted to or what I’ve somehow ended up being diverted towards.
I came across a thought I scribbled down in an old post written in my college years. I mentioned how I feared ended up becoming the person I despised and being a bitter adult. Nowadays, I keep thinking about that and reassessing if I have somehow managed to do so—become a person who’s become gray, dull, mundane. Have I managed to become a zombie who ended up getting infected by society’s harsh reality and settled for simply going through the motions?
I know I haven’t completely lost yet, because I still hold on to the hopes of the next years to turn out the way I plan. I still cling to the excitement of exploring the world, becoming a psychologist, and becoming a local of some other bustling city in the other side of the world. But I fear that I may not be able to let go of my security blanket, of what’s comfortable. I fear that I may end up on a detour that may not be as sunny as I hoped, that may lead me downhill instead of pushing me to the summit. I fear I wouldn’t end up recognizing myself and not liking what I see.
Why The Hate?
I've recently come across a link to a blog post on one of the social media sites and I was really shocked and upset from everything that I have read from it. It was about how to show one's displeasure towards a Filipino without resorting to illegal means. How could someone go to so much trouble into writing tips on how to get rid of Filipinos, I could not fathom.
Filipinos may be getting some bad creds here and there in the news, but the outstanding qualities that the people and their culture possess are something that many fail to see after the name has been stained by a few mistakes of individuals. But then again, doesn't that happen to the people of every nation? We all have those quirks that many will dislike, regardless of where we come from and what language we speak.
So before you start pointing your fingers and speaking with such conviction, I hope that you realize that not every person, group, society, and culture is perfect. There will always be flaws, no matter how hard we try to be the epitome of perfection. Perfection, after all, is wishful thinking. In reality, we can only go as far as being almost nearly perfect. Perfection, in this world, is when we learn to accept that we aren't perfect because nobody is. See the irony?
Hate or strong dislike was definitely the tone in that blog post. It was heartbreaking to think that Filipinos are treated unfairly in other countries. They are bullied in places where they search for a better future for themselves and their family. Most of the Filipinos go abroad with the best of intentions--and usually those intentions are to provide for their family and to secure a better life for themselves and their loved ones back home.
In the world of globalization, we have all become interconnected. Gone are the days when territories were marked and heavily guarded. The walls separating a culture from another has crumbled to pebbles and dust. Our home just got bigger, and now we have to learn how to share it with everyone else.
I honestly do not think that you can get rid of Filipinos that easily. We are one tough cookie, I must say. Imagine living in a world where you struggle to make a living for those that you love back home and then get hate and more suffering from those around you. That's the struggle many Filipino OFWs are facing in their day-to-day lives. Lucky are those who have found themselves in a community where they are respected and appreciated. Many Filipinos have a hard time abroad, and yet a lot of them are still living and working in many nations all over the world. They never give up easily because the reason why they are there is far from shallow. It is the life of loved ones we're talking about here. Who would give up the fight so easily when you're holding on to that?
I'm not saying that the blog post shouldn't have been posted online; we all have the right to freedom of expression. It's just that I feel horrible for my kababayans working so hard abroad and getting a lot of hate from other people. It's okay to express your dislike and discomfort, but there is a better way to express it than through harsh means. We are all human beings with feelings, after all, regardless of race, language, culture, color, etc. Why don't we show them what we want and expect to see instead of simply calling them out on something we feel they did wrong?
Sitting in the pre-departure area of my hometown's airport at night while waiting for the latest flight out, I realize how beautiful this place can be. We don't think about it much because all it reminds us of are the stress and hassle of traveling, not to mention the tragedy of being separated from those we love. So we fail to see that all adventures converge here. People don't go to an airport just because. They all have a motive and a purpose. They carry with them stories and feelings of anxiety and excitement. Behind the looks of indifference and, oftentimes, exhaustion people have on their faces are tales that some lucky passenger will hear about on the way to their destination, after that lucky passenger plays his/her cards right. Every person in this pre-departure area is on an adventure. Who knows where each one is headed? Some may be on the quest for money and success, others may be on their way back to their loved ones, or like me, they are on a mission to build a bright and promising future for themselves and their family. Yet no matter how different my adventure may be from those seated around me, we find ourselves here, in this wide room with rows and rows of chairs. It doesn't matter how close we may be to the end of whatever adventure we are embarking on. We are all gathered in this starting point that leads to another checkpoint where we shall choose to go our separate ways and hit the ground running. Friendships may be formed in this place, or God forbid, a newfound enemy reveals himself/herself. Either way, it all ends open-endedly, creating a new adventure that you may choose to pursue once the recent journey has concluded. We meet people, share a story and a joke or two while maintaining the anonymity, and say goodbye with the best of wishes for the other. In such places and experiences we find the good in mankind and that we all relate to one another...that no one is meant to be alone forever. Sadly, we never get to see this beauty. We've become so absorbed on getting there that we ignore everything else. We regard beauty as something only on TV and in books or art. We never find beauty in the meeting point of all adventures: the airport. Well, surprisingly, there is. Why don't we try to see it? Wishing everyone safe travels.
You know what I fear most? I fear that I will turn out to be one of those people who end up bitter in life. I'm afraid that I'll wake up one day already dreading what's to come and even just stepping my feet on the cold tiles in the morning. I'm scared of being one of those with faces that have creases engraved from their foreheads to their chins because of all the scowls and frowns that their muscles have memorized to do most of the time. But most of all I'm scared that I'll end up falling off a cliff, too far gone to recover from the bruises.
It's often hard to pretend that everything's okay. It's hard to give way and give in to people for the sake of avoiding conflict and drama. It's a struggle to come to terms with everything, even when everything isn't what you want and what you agree wholeheartedly with. When you're born with a coping mechanism to just shut down all offensive attacks and prefer to fight the "cold war" way, you end up piling everything up deep inside. You prefer not to speak up and keep everything to yourself; it saves you from so much trouble. But suddenly, you reach a point when you feel stuffy and suffocated--as if you were trapped in a room with no windows and no way out. You find yourself silenced because you've forgotten how to just open up and let your feelings be known. You get all frustrated because you've become this way and you have no one to put the blame on but yourself.
At that particular moment, you pray for an epiphany. You pray that you find a light--one that will guide you out of the suffocation and help you get everything sorted without going through the mess first. You hope that a miracle happens and the walls that hold you come crashing down at once. Just like a victim trapped in a cage, you try to summon with your impatience and wishful thinking somebody who'll come along with the key in his/her hand.
Why must the world be so unfair? Why must we go through suffering--some unnecessary and in vain? Why do we torture ourselves and even become martyrs for people who don't even see the noble acts and think that it's worth giving a damn about? Why do we keep hoping that somewhere along the way something good happens--like the pieces falling in place and the stars aligning in your favor--and keep trudging along a path even though we know that we ought to second guess our decision?
When you've been scorned for so many times, you find that you've learned a thing or two. Just like skin that's been wounded so many times, the scars start to show and they don't easily go away. Before you know it, you find yourself staring at it in the mirror, inspecting it, wondering what made it the way that it is now. Then, like muscle memory, you start to memorize a response to such events. Whether consciously or unconsciously, you find yourself dealing with things the same way that you always have, no matter how much you know that you should've done things differently. You cannot avoid going back to the coping mechanism because it makes the pain go away, even for just a moment. You remember that you have been there before and this certain trick has made it all better. This becomes a routine until you find yourself in suffocating and struggling to get out before you lose consciousness.
Now you ask: How do you keep yourself from falling into the trap and getting stuck in it? How do you find a way to change yourself before the world changes you? How can you assure yourself that you're not going to turn out to be the person that you fear to become? How do you even get started on clearing out the stuffiness?
What Has Been in 2013
We've reached the end of another year. As we close the year with fireworks and the company of family and friends, we look back on the year that has been--something everyone of us is doing at some point in the day. I just couldn't let this day--and year--pass without paying it tribute. It's brought about a lot of things in my life.
2013 is one that is surely for the books. A lot--and I really mean A LOT-- has happened since January 1 this year. I've metamorphosed from a high school student into a college student. I finished high school with flying colors. I learned--and still am learning--how to live independently. I went out and sought adventures--and that's exactly what I got.
As I look back on the things that made my year both wonderful and terrible, I also remember and realize the things that I got from my experiences--and no, these are not limited to memorabilia and scars. Let's rewind to January, shall we?
New year's resolutions are never really kept.
I don't know about you, but I can't remember my new year's resolutions last January. Although I could swear that I added a little "must exercise" in there somewhere. Eh...Anyway, I learned that it's about how long your resolution is, it's the will power to accomplish it that matters. This 2014, I'm not making any new year's resolution. If there's something I want done, then I'm gonna try and make it happen. I don't need to pressure myself at the start of the year to do things that I want at the moment--the things that felt and sounded right at the start of the year. This will be very relevant in the latter part of this entry, just wait and see.
I should seize every birthday and always make sure to make it one for the books.
This year, I got to spend my birthday with my friends and family--like A LOT OF THEM. It may not have been one of the grandest birthdays to date, but it was enough to make me happy and grateful for the life God gave me. Turning 17 and spending that special day with people who made you smile and who love you is one of the best things. Just being with them and knowing that they made time to celebrate with me was touching and was exactly what I needed to start this one-of-a-kind year (trust me, you'll know later).
I can do it and I should believe in myself.
January was the month of entrance exam results. This is when you are presented with your final options for college. It turned out to be a headache for me. I passed De La Salle University- Manila, Ateneo de Manila University, College of St. Benilde, and University of the Philippines-Visayas, leaving me with a big decision to make. I was grateful and felt very blessed to have passed all those prestigious universities in Manila, but the decision was just too overwhelming for a senior. I remember thinking before the results came out that I might never passed since I didn't review for the exams like my classmates did and found the tests hard--very hard. Thank God I passed.
I will never be forever alone.
Ok, we all know that the month of February is one with all the cheesy stuff--candies, chocolates, hearts, red stuff and all--so it's the season to feel alone. This year is probably one of the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. I did not have a Valentine--I had VALENTINES. Yes, with an S. My friends and I decided to have a little Secret Santa, Valentine's Day style--so technically, it's Secret Cupid or something. Anyway, we drew lots and all, and on the day itself, we had to think of unique ways to give our gifts to the person we picked, without him or her knowing that it was us. I got mine first thing in the morning when I arrived. It turned out that it wasn't the only Valentine's surprise that I got that day. Sometime after lunch, a bar of chocolate was also waiting for me on my desk--a surprise my sister did with my mama's help and idea. It was also the first time that I got a rose unexpectedly. No, not from a suitor, but from my family. My mom had it delivered to my classroom and the class ended up teasing me about it. But nevertheless, the gestures and the surprises made me feel so loved and blessed to be surrounded by people who care for me. Love was definitely in the air that day. My acceptance letter for Ateneo de Manila also came that day and--although I didn't get the scholarship--I felt proud of myself for passing the ACET and qualifying for their BS Psychology program.
Treasure the people around you.
Every senior class must go through the pre-grad retreat, and I must say, it's one of the best I've had. Since the class recollection we had earlier, we all knew that it will be the last of sorts and gave our 100%. We appreciated the presence of each one and never passed up the chance to say the things that we wanted to say--apologize for the wrongs, thank the memories and friendship, promise to be there despite the distance, the works. I've always been very grateful for my class, and I still am. They taught me what true friends are and that I can be accepted for being myself. With them, I don't have to prove anything.
Time flies.
March 2013 couldn't come faster than it did. It seemed like last year we were the new kiddos on the block, and then all of a sudden we're graduating. Every moment in our senior year mattered, and every event captured and immortalized in memory. This was the time when we all gave it our very best and last shot. Relationships were cherished more because of the imminent separation. Bonds were strengthened with the challenges and the hesitation to let go. Everybody became emotional--it was all too bittersweet to see us sing our Alma Mater Song one last time together and as students of the IS. Kudos, batch 2013 (a very memorable line for me since it was the first time I cried during a speech--yes, it happened to me)!
If it's meant to be, it will be.
I never would've thought that I would graduate Salutatorian in my batch and be blessed with a scholarship to one of the best schools in the country because of it. I applied for a scholarship to a different school and got rejected. Thinking that my destiny is here in Bacolod, my mind was made up: I was going to pursue a Psychology major in my alma mater--green all the way! But then this great news broke a few days before graduation, and it brought with it another good one. At that instant, I knew where I was going to go. All those weeks of indecisiveness led me to this circumstance. It was a snap decision, to be honest--a spur of the moment thing. I asked God for a sign and he gave it to me. Thank you, Lord for that. I still smile every time I think back to that day. His love and power is unconditional and will take you places.
I will never be ready for the future
This summer, I spent it the way I would every other summer in my high school years. But this time, I decided that it was going to be somehow different: I had to prepare myself for the changes that are about to happen in the succeeding weeks. I was going off to college and leaving my hometown--that's something that I did not take lightly, I must say. Who would want to let go of what's comfortable and secure? Who would want to say goodbye to something beautiful? I had to overcome the fear of the future that settled within me. I had my first one-way ticket this summer--my one-way ticket to my future, DLSU. I met new people and adjusted to a new culture. School started waaaay early for me, and will be that way until I graduate two years from now. I learned that no matter where life takes me, I will never be ready for it. What I can do is to make the best of everything I have and live in the moment. You'll learn a heck of a lot this way than by just reading books and soliciting advice from people who've been there. You'll never know until you've been there, right?
Everything will turn out alright.
My first few weeks in college was filled with homesickness and the determination to finish the year and get back home. I cried on my second week and called up my parents, telling them that I want to go home and study there instead. It was agonizing for me to be away and adjust to living with three other girls who I just met (and who are wonderful, by the way) and to the new trimestral and collegiate system. After a while, I got the hang of things and started enjoying myself. I got to know my roommates and my blockmates more and found out how lucky I am to have them. When you're down, there's nothing to go but up, after all. I learned that when things are tough and they terrify you, just hold on and they will eventually turn around.
Never forget where you come from.
Coming home is always a big thing for me. I love going back. It's a refreshing break to the stresses of college and the hustle and bustle of Manila. I feel proud every time I mention that I'm from Silay. It's keeps me on the ground. There's just nothing like being back home. I always feel like a kid--carefree and secure. My family will always be my safe haven, whether it's the year 2013 or the year 3013 (that is, if there's some miracle and I'm still alive by that time).
Sometimes you gotta think less and take that chance.
For the first time ever, I joined an essay contest. It was another of those spontaneous decisions I made. I saw a flyer about the essay and posted it on my desk. I gave it my all and it turned out well for me. I'm really, really thankful for the blessing. The results came out just when I forgot I wrote and submitted an entry! One of the best surprises in my first term. I learned that sometimes, you've just got to think less and act on things, especially when it's something you know you'll enjoy doing. If it feels right, go ahead and do it. My adventures this year are just that--moments that are unplanned yet turn out to be one of the best days I've had.
Always give your very best.
I honestly thought that I'd end up failing a course or two on my first term. Don't get me wrong, I really gave it my all. It's probably the motivation and determination that comes with being a newbie. I did my best in all my subjects because I wanted to prove to myself that I can do well in my new environment. But there were just those subjects that you struggle with. When the grades got out, I passed all my courses with flying colors. I was also blessed to be on a Dean's Lister. I guess when I give my best in every single thing that I do, I'll have no regrets and reap the benefits in the long run.
It's good to slow down once in a while.
The difference between life in Silay and life in Manila is that life in the capital city is so fast-paced and hectic. You can't stay idle and laid-back there--you'll definitely get left behind. Time is of the essence. I'd like to think that I've somehow adjusted to the environment, but it's nice to go back to my laid-back version every once in a while. It's good for my physical and mental health. It's a lesson I learn the hard way during my first two hell weeks in university.
True friends are the best kind of friends.
Who could argue with that? This year brought a lot of memorable firsts and experiences for me that made me see what I'm capable of. I don't want to go into specifics with all of them, but let's just say that all of them have taught me more than just values and who I am. All the experiences I've had--most especially in Manila--made me see the friends who are worth keeping and treasuring. I'm really, truly thankful for all those who have been there for me and those who I have shared wonderful memories with. In good times and in bad, I have found friends for life.
Live a little.
I must admit, I rebeled a little this year. Ok, not the very rebel kind who cuts class, gets tattoos and piercings, drinks a lot, does illegal stuff and all. Just some small flops and going against what is expected of me. I haven't let go of my good side and will not--I repeat, will not--but it's nice to see the other side of things. I did not commit any crimes, ok? I just lived a little. Living a little taught me a whole lot more than just going by the books and society's norms. I guess being a little deviant makes me a little wiser, too.
Stand your ground.
One of the things I learned is that I shouldn't let others push me around and let them take advantage of me. The kindest people get the most abuse and yet they don't complain. I'm not saying I'm the kindest person ever, but rather I shouldn't let myself be fooled. I know that there's an innate goodness in everybody, but some need to do a lot more digging than others. It doesn't hurt to be a little selfish sometimes and claim what's rightfully yours.
After every fall, get back up.
2013 has brought about a lot of devastation, sorrow, and struggles for the Filipinos. There was the earthquake that shook Bohol and Cebu. Churches and landmarks were ruined just like that. Then there was the strongest typhoon to hit land, Typhoon Yolanda a.k.a Typhoon Haiyan. People lost loved ones, families lost homes, towns and cities were destroyed because of the storm surge. But despite the tragedy, we all helped each other get back up. We might not have fully recovered yet, but we're on our way. We stumbled and fell, and now we're getting back up. Life's a cycle of stumbles and recovery, so despite all the major and minor setbacks, get back up.
I'm really grateful for everything that has changed and has happened in 2013. It was one heck of a year. It's so surreal that it's about to end in a few hours now. But as we close this chapter, I hope and pray that we keep the friendships and relationships that we have made with the people we've met along the way.
As each year passes, I'm sure they'll be more realizations and experiences worth remembering and sharing. I'll see more places and meet more people. I'll turn a year older, and hopefully, grow a little wiser. I'll make mistakes and achieve great things. This is the best part of each new year--I get to start a new chapter and create a new me.
To those who have made my 2013 happy, fruitful, memorable, and amazing, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. And to each and every one in this beautiful planet, I wish you a happy and prosperous new year!
Now That Yolanda's Gone...
I have been silently observing and reading posts in the social media about the condition of the people in areas greatly affected by Super Typhoon Yolanda. It has been about a week or more since tragedy struck Visayas in the Philippines. Now that it has passed and that the sun is shining, we can see the damage that it has left in its wake. Men and women, young and old, lost loved ones--brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. Roofs and walls of houses were blown away, and what were once beautiful cities filled with happy people are now grief-stricken and struggling to get back on their feet.
This is an expected result of Yolanda's visit. Before it has even reached the Philippines' Area of Responsibility, we knew that we are bound to face a lot of destruction and struggles when it leaves. We knew that we should be on guard, prepared, and alert. Yolanda wasn't here to be a friend--it was here to be a trial, an obstacle that we must learn to get through.
As I have read from one of the posts that I have stumbled upon in Facebook, Yolanda is not the enemy--that could not be even more true. It's like getting mad at a dog for being a dog. It did what it was made and meant to do. It was something that we cannot control. We cannot blame anyone or anything for that, so we somehow decided to blame poor Yolanda for the wreck that we are left with.
What frustrates me the most in our country's present condition is that we chose--of all times--now to show the world how poor this country really is. I'm not referring to material wealth and the usual connotation that comes with the word poor nowadays. No, I mean that we are poor in terms of love--for our country and for our people.
When news broke of the victims still not receiving the relief goods and donations that were meant for them, I could not help but feel sorry for all my fellow Filipinos. It's undeniable that these people need help--urgent help. How can you possibly survive without a roof over your head, warm clothes on your body, food to fill your stomach, and clean water to quench your thirst? Yolanda's long gone, and yet the people still are suffering. The storm may have passed, but the drought seems to have plagued the people. Drought in the sense that help is still not getting to where it should be right now.
This is something unique entirely. Have you ever heard of a nation wherein the officials put their own interests and personal gain before the needs and necessities of their people? To others, it may just be a wad of cash to add to their collection in the bank. But to those in Tacloban, Panay, and in the other parts of Visayas, that could mean their survival and recovery.
I have heard, read and seen the remarks of people regarding the government's incompetence in running our country. I tried my best to give it the benefit of the doubt. When they came into office after the elections, they had to face the mess that has been left in the chairs that they had to fill. They have a lot on their plate--I get that. We all know how it feels to have to deal with so much all at one time. It's overwhelming.
But that is no excuse for the way that we are acting during these times right now. Lives are lost and will be lost the more we tolerate this incompetence. I'm sorry to say this, but we may have just reach a whole new low. This is surely one for the books, but not in the way that is worth celebrating and opening a bottle of champagne for.
I'm not going to add anything to the numerous comments that are rapidly increasing in social networking sites about the issue. I would just like to raise some questions of my own.
How can we bear to see the countless pictures and videos taken of people in Visayas, amidst the ruins of what were ones homes and the lifeless bodies that were once friends and relatives? How can you even think of your own wants and ambitions when people do not even have enough resources to meet their needs and live to see another day? Can you bear the burden of being that someone who is the reason why parents can no longer see their children turn a year older and become the new heroes of this country? Can you face the world knowing that you have the blood of hundreds, and even thousands, of people on your hands, just because you were blinded by greed and vanity?
If it's not much to ask of you, can we please just be honest and sincere this one time? Our Kababayans need us, and we know that that much is true. Can we please learn to change it up this one time and let those in the affected areas feel the love, concern, and care that our country and whole world want them to feel?
Let me make it easier for you: If it were you in that ruined city with no water to drink, a house to go home to, and a family to love and care for, would you have wanted the same treatment that they are getting now? Will you be able to get yourself back on your feet with that?
With all the controversy and issues surrounding the help meant for the victims, recovery will take awhile. But when we finally learn to straighten things up and do the right thing, we can speed up the process. When we work on being competent, responsible, honest, selfless, and compassionate, we will know the true meaning of "Kabayanihan". It's not about you, it's about what you can do.
The Philippines is one of the most blessed country in the world. When we learn to appreciate this and understand that we are the stewards of this blessed land, we will see this country finally soar. Other countries see the beauty of our motherland and are exerting efforts to get back its glory. Can we strive to do the same and make the dream real?
Sometimes you surprise yourself. Sometimes, you just find yourself in a moment where you thought you couldn't make happen or wouldn't find yourself in. There are those that just happen without your control, when you, on impulse, decide to go with the flow. You can't even think of any other way to make it happen the way it did at the time.
It's when you find moments and times like those in your days that you discover something. You find a friend, insight, fulfillment, enjoyment, bliss, a dream come true. In the midst of it all, you find yourself in awe, and you bask in the momentary success and joy that it brings. Then one day you look back and you see an image of a carefree and happy version of yourself in a moment that has become eternalized in your memory.
A Note To My Future Self
Fall in love with someone with a little music in their lives--someone who knows how beautiful music is and what it can do. It's in people like him that you will find someone who'll share life's melodies with you. He'll have passion and will never run out of songs to sing to you. He's someone who'll understand that music isn't just a set of notes, beats and patterns--that it's something so much more and that it can do so much more. He sees the different sides of things. He sees music as a refuge, a relief, an expression of emotion, a stress-reliever, a friend. He knows that he can't stand a world without music and that there will always be that music and that beat with him wherever he goes.
Find someone who appreciates the magic of books and who wouldn't hesitate to fall under their spells. It's this kind of people who you'll find the most passionate and most intellectual. He'll be someone who you can talk to for hours and never get bored of--someone who can tell you tales of places he's traveled through the pages. He's someone who you can have late night chats with about anything and everything. His mind's one to wander, and he'd gladly explore the worlds with you.
He'll be someone you'll never get tired of, no matter how much you seem to banter and fight. You two share the same love--for music and for books. He'll share his best earphones with you, and he'll play endless playlists of both of your favorite artists. You can never find it in you to ever let go of him because you know that you are your best self with him.
Wait for the moment when you've fallen in love with someone with a little music and a stack of books in their lives.
This Climbing Up the Well Thing...
I wake up, and I realize that I've been fooling myself the whole time. There's no fantasy-turning-into-reality thing for me. Nope, that was long overdue. And the fact that it never came... Well, that's just proof that I really shouldn't have held on so long and hoped for it.
This is sad. This is really, really sad. I guess it took me a long time to see that I should have just let this go. But somehow I feel like I'm stuck in this well. I can't easily get past the tall walls and escape. I often find myself falling back into the water and trying to stay afloat. Funny, because I was never a big fan of swimming and deep waters. Haha Me and analogies.
Anyway, I guess this just made me see the light. I know that this time, I might just get a little farther up the wall that I ever did before. Well, it's because this time, it's a whole new level. I've had my slips lately, but now I've got more strength to hold on longer and tighter to the bricks and hoist myself up.
It's gonna take a lot of getting used to--that much I can promise you. But this time, I'm really going to make sure I reach the top of the wall. I don't want to be stuck in the same old cycle anymore. The more rounds I get through it, the more the pain will be for me in the end. It's high time that I stick to this and actually make a big progress on it. It's always been baby steps for me, and then I end up going back to square one. Now, it's forced isolation mode, and so far, it's working.
This is all thanks to you, of course. No names, again. I'm that type of person. I may rant, but your privacy through the anonymity of my rants is very much respected. I don't give out so many clues, either. Just the messages that I want you to hear--or rather, read.
I'm going off topic here. Anyway, I just want you (whoever you are, I hope you can actually put two and two together and realize that this is you I'm talking to) to know that if not for that bold stunt you just pulled, I would still be stuck in the waters of the well. Now, I seem to be a quarter of the way up, and this is the farthest I've gone in a while. I don't think that there's ever a big turnaround very soon. But if there is... Well, honestly, that is all in your hands now. I'm gonna do my thing. So, if you have any plans of sticking around in my life, then you better do something fast.
Out of sight, out of mind.
You got until the top of the well to make your move. I'm climbing up fast, so tick tock.
Doormat
I’ve always told myself to never be a doormat ever again. I promised myself that I would not let anyone just step on me and keep hurting me. A punching bag can only take so many hits. It’s also bound to get ripped apart. I’ve had my share of playing victim. I don’t want that ever again.
I’ve made sure that my friends and family weren’t treated that way, by me or anyone else. If I don’t want something to happen to me, then I sure as heck wouldn’t want to see it happening to a person dear to me. But if I can protect my friends and family from getting hurt, why can’t I do that for myself?
Oftentimes, the jabs that hurt the most are those that come unexpectedly. These jabs are usually from the people who you do not expect to even throw such punches in the first place. It’s those kinds that just knock the breath out of you.
It’s only when the damage has been done that I realize that I just let myself be fooled again. I’ve trusted too much, expected too much. It’s a tad bit my fault—I let myself hope for much and I ended up treating that person as someone who can never let me down and hurt me, someone who I can count on to be there. This is what I get.
I’ve learned my lesson. This isn’t just a one-time thing. No, it is a many-times thing. Once was forgettable and twice was forgivable. But thrice and more? Now that is just cruel. You don’t know how much I’ve put into it and for you to just back out—now that’s a knock out. Nice to know you care. Thanks.
The problem with me was that I let myself be a doormat when it came to you. I guarded myself from other people, but I let my guard down with you. You didn’t let me down, until today. This is the last straw. This was the only time that I actually regret trusting you—to be there for me, to have my back, to be someone I could run to, to be the friend that I need and want to have.
I guess I just didn’t matter as much. Nice. Very nice. I see what you did there. Again, my deepest thanks.
To the people of the sand...
You know what? It'd be nice to actually be remembered for once. Sometimes I feel as though I'm just a ghost to you, just something that you can ignore and wouldn't care to miss. Whatever happened to keeping in touch and staying friends forever? Where'd that bunch of letters and words go?
I may not have always kept in touch recently and I may not be able to meet you whenever I'm home, but does it always have to be me who makes the first move? Am I the one who has to actually chase you around like a lost little puppy just because I want to spend time with you? Why can't I feel the effort and initiative from you whenever I'm home? A simple text asking if I were in town would have been nice. Everytime I get home, I always end up texting everybody that I'm in town. But only one or two people reply.
It hurts a ton to feel like I'm a nobody to you anymore. It's something I never really expected. Coming home is exciting for me, but it's been scaring me lately. Why? Because everytime I'm home, I feel like I'm just someone in your memories now, someone who was just another face in the picture. Did I really stay too far away from you for you to forget me?
I'm not saying that you don't exert any effort at all. That's not what I meant. You do exert some effort, and I appreciate that very much, but sometimes, chasing around and walking around alone can seem so tiring, you know? I know you're busy and life goes on as per usual, but you don't know how bad I feel that I go home and I feel as though I haven't been gone...in a bad way.
You know that scenario when you see someone practically everyday and you end up spending just a small time with them because you know that they'll be around again the next day? I feel like that's what's happening to me...only that you won't get to see me the next day because I'll be back to my own life by then.
You know, I hear my blockmates and other friends here make plans to meet their high school barkadas and I feel a pang of jealousy. Why? Because I can't always do that with mine. Yes, I have friends here too, but it's nice to catch up and hang out with the people you grew up with too, the people who really know who you are. I see pictures of other people meeting up with friends and I can't help but think, "when will that be us in the picture?"
Sometimes, I also see pictures of you and your new friends there in university. I'm really happy for you that you've found a group of people who you can feel at home with, who you can live the rest of your fun and exciting college life with. It's nice to see you happy and living the college student life. Then I end up feeling guilty for being too selfish and thinking why can't I have a day or even just half of it with you.
I know that life's starting out for you and that studies come first. I get that. I get that a lot. But to be able to actually sit down and have long chats with you would be nice too. To go out and to make it slightly like it was then is actually quite nice, you know? It would make me feel as though I still haven't lost the life and the people that I have practically clung to my whole high school.
High school friends are life-long friends, right?
Don't worry, no harm done. I'm fine. I'm still your friend. I just needed to vent this out before it piles up in my head. I'm not one to hold everything in, right? I'm someone who has to speak her mind or else she'll end up spontaneously combusting. I'm fine. A little bit clingy, I guess. I just miss you guys. I miss yo a lot. Forgive me.
Well, I hope you have (or had) a great day. Wanna hear all about it sometime. :)
Wake-up Call
I know what's wrong with me: I hope too much. I expect too much from people when I really shouldn't. I had so much optimism within me--too much, I guess, since it all ended up in disappointment.
It's most probably the dreamer within me. It's that part of my brain that conjures up some sort of set of possible scenarios that I keep holding on to to come true and happen to me. I've always believed in the concept of dreams becoming reality and in the power of the mind--that it's strong enough to actually make whatever it is that I've been thinking, wanting and dreaming of to become a reality. I held on to all the daydreams and fantasies too hard and rooted for them to come true in the sense that it hurts me when they actually don't.
I tried to be optimistic, I really did. But I realized that this effort I'm putting in will just lead me on to believe lies and more fantasies instead of helping me cope up with what's real and accept the fact that I don't always get what I want. A lucky streak's bound to end sometime, right? I realized that being optimistic is a good thing, but in the real world, being realistically optimistic is much better and feasible. It keeps you from confining yourself in a mental institution, you know?
I give a lot and put in a lot because I expect too much. That's the biggest losing factor for me. I get my hopes up too high and go all in, hoping that I'm right and that my thoughts are becoming a reality. In the end, I just end up tired and the loser.
So this is what I ought to do. I'm gonna play the game the same way they do. Why do I set up my hopes and expectations too high when it'll just cause a lot of stress and pain? I'll keep my optimism--heck, I'll hug it as tight as I can so it won't get a chance to fly away--and mix it with a little bit of the reality. It's time I get my head out of my butt and see that everything isn't always going to be like the movies. I can't expect a picture-perfect scene to come bursting through my door and not be disappointed. Why? Because that isn't how life rolls. It goes by its own set of rules.
Miss happy-go-lucky-and-fairytale-believer won't survive in the real world. In movies they may get the happy ending, but in reality, they end up living unhappily ever after with depression. So before I get anywhere deeper in this disappointment, I better learn how to swim and keep up with the tide.
Two can play at that game.
Those Words of Wisdom
Here's one thing about me that I honestly don't get: People often ask me for advice. Maybe they see something that just makes me eligible to tell them what they should do. I really don't know if I'm that effective and good of an adviser or they end up sinking deeper in their problems because of my "words of wisdom". One thing's for sure--I often find myself being the one to turn to when people get tangled up in situations.
Lately, there have been instances where I end up listening to love problems and end up giving some sort of love advice to my friends. It's all good, right? Well, here's the twist: I have a pretty much non-existent love life. Haha My love stories are those that I find in the books that I read and the daydreams that my mind conjures up for me.
I sometimes wish that I were in the place of the people I'm giving my advice to. I mean, some of the situations that they are in are situations that I myself haven't gone through. I usually just end up on dates with my laptop and my ever-loyal cellphone. A little bit of that petty drama wouldn't hurt, would it?
I know...I should be careful what I wish for. But it's that little part of me that believes in sappy love stories and romantic comedy films that hopes for episodes in my life where reality imitates art--well, somewhat.
It's like I'm on the outside looking in. There's just a lot of things that I see and somehow (oddly) understand, but it's different to actually be in the midst of it all--to actually experience it first-hand. I'm not saying that I wish that my life become a tragedy or a drama and all that. I'm just saying that a little experience might just actually be good for me.
Honestly, I find this train of thought so odd, but it's just been circling around in my mind for sometime. I don't know how it even got in there. I just know that it's not a bad idea--just no big drama and all that. Weird how my mind runs sometimes.
Another funny thing: sometimes, I even surprise myself with the advice and insight that I give my friends. It's odd, really, because when I look back on the "nuggets of wisdom" that I give them, you'd think that I had some right and background to say those things. You'd think that I have my own fairytale going on, too, when in fact, my rendezvous with Prince Charming are all in Dreamland. Ironic, isn't it?
Let me give you a clear view of my love life. It's practically just all in my head--dreams, daydreams, love stories, romcom movies, the list goes on. Sum it all up in one word: fictional. The most real that it can ever get right now is a crush. Just. A. Crush. Nothing more than that. And here I am, talking to people who have these drama with their "boyfies" and "sweethearts". I guess love can cloud your thoughts, huh?
Oftentimes, my logical side prevails. Why? Because the mind works best when the heart is on hibernating mode. When you're not emotionally attached in the relationship as the two people involved in it are, then you sometimes get to see a little clearer than they do. They have their rose-colored glasses on, so they'll need a "second opinion" and courtside report on the real deal (as much as possible in high definition). You are that "high definition" option button that they are looking for.
I sometimes wonder if I will practice what I preach if the same situation were to happen to me. When it comes to love, all the rules change, right? So will my heart impair my mind's logical thinking, or will the mind overrule the heart? It's still in debate as of now.
I honestly can't picture it out yet. But all I know is that when the right time and the right guy comes along, everything will fall in place and nothing will ever be big enough to ruin it. I'll try my best to keep the balance between my mind and my heart, and try to keep my sanity in check as well. Love brings out the crazies in some people, right? Let's not add another eccentric-thinking person in the picture.
To those of you who will get to come across this rambling and are going through a rough patch, I'm right here to listen. I have veeery few followers right now, but this post will be out there. And I hope you know that there is someone here to help you and listen to you because we all need a little help from our friends.
For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel lonely. Plans fall apart, weather's cold and lazy, and here I am, finding something to just pass the time. I honestly don't know where all this is coming from. I'm never this clingy or emotional. Heck, I've always appreciated a little alone time.
Maybe it's just the fact that I got used to my Sundays always being spent with someone. There's just always people around me on this day of the week. This is, for as long as I can remember, the first time that I'm alone on a Sunday. Guess this is independence, huh?
I've never handled being alone so well. Oddly enough, I feel way more awkward alone than I do with others. Well, there are awkward moments with people I just met and things like that, but being alone is a whole other story. On a day when everybody's got something up, it just doesn't feel right to be trapped in these four walls with no one but yourself.
Eh, it's just an adjustment phase...well, I certainly hope so. It's nowhere near pleasant, I swear.
This is probably the universe's way of telling me that it's time I grow up. It's time I realize that sometimes, people just have other things in their world than just stick around. Some days are just meant to be spent with yourself to get away from the things going on around you.
What a weekend.
Dear Someone with a great playlist,
You know, when I first saw you, I didn't like you at all. I saw you as someone who's so full of himself, someone who's so confident. Everyone talked about you and I just went along with it, but didn't really care much. Let's just say that if you held a meet and greet, you wouldn't see me lining up or even watching from the sidelines.
Then I met you. Before, I just knew your face and your name. But eventually, I got to talk to you, and honestly, you weren't so bad after all. That one small and short talk made me see you for the slightest bit, and I guess I saw something that got me interested because I ended up curious about you.
After some small talks and chats, I got an idea of who you are. You're somebody who can never be still. You just have music in your head all the time. You're quiet, with episodes of wittiness and hyperactivity. You're kind and friendly to all, never choosy with who to talk to or be with.
More and more people started noticing you. Count me in too, I guess. They were swooning, I was curious. There was just something about you that works, that makes people like you--that made me like you.
I was wrong. You weren't somebody who was so full of himself. Nope, you were far from that. You're talented, yes, but you didn't get a big head because of it. People were practically swooning over you behind your back, and there you are, oblivious (or playing oblivious) to the way you make them giggle and squeal when you're around. They said you were cute, but you don't seem to know that, or you just don't let it go to your head.
The way music seems to be such a part of your life made me warm up to you a little, I guess. Music's always been a big factor to me. I've always had a soft spot for people with music in their lives. You had a lot of melodies and beats to share, and I just wanted to listen to them.
It's funny, because you're not who I thought you were. Looking back, I laugh at the first impression I had of you. No, you're not a jerk or a douche. You're a wonderful person, and it's nice to know there's someone like you in this world.
You're such a rare thing, you know that? I haven't met many people like you. You're the first of your kind, I guess--whatever kind you belong. You're a good one, and it's a pleasure to meet you.
