Advice and Information for New Swingers
You’re thinking about becoming a swinger. Sounds like fun, right? It definitely can be, but you need to understand how it works, what other couples are looking for, and the few basic rules of common courtesy. Swinging is not for everyone, but for the couples who can make it work it’s an exciting lifestyle that can keep your relationship fresh for a lifetime.
Who Should Swing? - Any couple or single female can enter the swinging lifestyle. If you’re a single guy, you need a female partner to be successful. Age and physical attraction don’t matter. Having said that, if you’re overweight and 80, the available pool of couples who want to exchange with you is limited. More important is your mental attitude. Swinging is often part of an upscale lifestyle. You’ll find low income people in the lifestyle. More often, though, it’s a hobby for upscale professionals and business owners. These men and women are unconventional risk takers. It’s also not inexpensive. There are always costs for admission, rooms, and travel. More often than not, there is dinner involved. When you are established and have lots of friends, you can entertain at one another’s home. To start, you’ll pay to play.
Sexual Orientation - There are no rules, but often the women are bisexual and the men are straight. This is the most common. Yes, there are straight women and yes, you’ll occasionally find a bisexual guy. However, the attraction for the guys is the variety of enjoying someone different. Some women desire sex with new men, and that’s their motivation. More often, though, the women enter the lifestyle as an outlet for their bisexuality. Many couples in The Lifestyle are happily married, with chidren, homes, neighbors and business lives. Most women are not publicly bi. The Lifestyle gives them an outlet.
Women Are The Trade Bait - Guys want beauty, whatever that means to them personally. Women are more tolerant. They usually want a gentleman, with age and looks less important. Of course, this is not always true. Often, though, you’ll find that a bombshell beauty and her older, ugly man make great trades all night long. Remember, many women want sex with both the woman and man in the other couple. The reverse rarely works, with a male model hunk and a crone ugly mate. This couple will make few good trades. You hunt as a pair, with the woman being the center of attention. You’ll often find women dressed provocatively in expensive, revealing dresses or gowns and lingerie while the guys put on whatever’s comfortable.
How Does It Work? - There are night clubs, resorts, clubs with events and special promotions (cruises, conventions) where like minded couples and single women seek one another out. Each has its own special flavor and ways of doing things, but they all share several things in common. There are many couples in an area. You circulate together. You make conversation with couples you find attractive. Couples have their own signals to let one another know if they want to party or not. All four have to agree, or there’s no trade. If everyone wants to go ahead, you go to the areas that are set aside for sex. In night clubs and private clubs with a club house, there may be orgy rooms, private rooms and semi-private rooms. In resorts, at conventions and on cruises, you usually go to the room where one couple is staying.
I Hate Rejection - Don’t we all? You can minimize rejection by going slow. If the couple you’d love to be with is avoiding eye contact with you, then you’ve already got your answer. Why push it? If you and your girl are in your 50s and normal looking people, don’t set yourself up for a let down by targeting a couple who are beautiful, in demand and in their 20s. On the other hand, if you are getting signals from a couple you thought was out of your league, don’t argue. Go for it! In general, like attracts like. It’s mathematical. The girl is 3 times more important than the guy. If you’re both highly attractive and in your 50’s, you can probably swing with an average looking pair in their 20’s or 30’s. You deduct point for age and add points for physical beauty. Mostly, it’s all about friendship. If you’ve having a great time with another couple at dinner, by the pool or some other activity, it’s perfectly acceptable to see if an exchange is possible. Go slow. Be observant. If you and your partner don’t score after a few nights out, it may be time to take a hard look at yourself. Is it time to go to a stylist for a makeover? Do you need to hit the gym?
“No” Means No - More than any other group of people you’ll ever meet, swingers respect one another. While things can move very rapidly if everyone is eager to make a trade, any one person can veto the process. When that happens, experienced swingers are very gracious. They don’t take it personally. They never become pushy and aggressive. It’s a very safe environment.
What Can Go Wrong? - The worst thing is jealousy. Here’s a very typical first time scenario. The guy persuades his wife after months of talking to give it a try. She reluctantly goes with him to a local swing club. They are both nervous, and drink too much. They meet an experienced, attractive couple and decide to exchange. The man in the experienced couple is a typical male swinger; reasonably good looking, considerate and a highly skilled lover. He goes slow with the new girl, and uses lots of soft touches and foreplay. In 3 minutes, she goes from reluctant and barely willing to ecstatic. The husband, on the other hand, experiences performance anxiety (very, very common for guys during their first experience) compounded by the four drinks he had during the socializing. The experienced wife is usually very considerate, and with a lot of oral sex can make the new guy functional. In the meantime, the newbie wife is shrieking and moaning, enjoying multiple orgasms and doing things for her new lover she has never done for her husband. The new guy goes from hot-to-trot advocate to disgruntled voyeur, and ends up jealous. The worst is, there’s nothing he can say. It was his idea, and all she did was go along.
Another common problem with new couples is the woman wandering off. Many clubs are very specific about not allowing single men to go into the areas where there’s sexual activity. Single women are always welcome for threesomes, fivesomes and other combinations. Single guys aren’t. The women have to look out for their men. If a trade is made and the other woman isn’t willing, a good woman will stop sex, rejoin her man, and look for another trade. Women who leave their men without a partner don’t last in The Lifestyle. It’s not uncommon for a man whose woman has abandoned him to abandon her and leave. (Not possible on a cruise ship, of course.) We’ve seen women stranded hundreds of miles from home after stranding her guy without a partner while she goes off alone to have sex. In each case, the woman was at fault, and treated without respect or sympathy by more experienced (and harmonious) couples.
Many couples find their bonds strengthened by The Lifestyle. Others break up after their first bad experience.
How To Prepare - Instead of persuading your partner, find out what they themselves really want. Guys, if you don’t already know, explore in detail your girls feelings about other women. Is she jealous of them? Does she have fantasies involving other women? Maybe she isn’t ready for oral sex with another woman. That’s OK. How does she feel about kissing? Touching? Are there places she would like to be touched, and other areas where she’s just not ready for another woman’s hands? Ask her what a perfect swing experience might be like. If she has no ideas, describe another man who is slow, romantic and sensuous. Would she like that? You may find out your partner is not cut out for swinging. Maybe she’s not ready. Better to find out in conversation than at a club where she suddenly freaks out and bolts for the door.
Make sure you both understand that nothing happens unless you both agree. If you’ve got another couple who is eager to trade and one of you doesn’t want to go forward, it’s nice to have hand signals or body language you’ve talked about ahead of time. This saves you from having to have a conversation in front of the other couple. Instead of “what do you think Honey” and the reply “definitely not attracted”, you can get the signal and say “we’d like to look around, can we get back with you later?”. Communication is critical for happy swinging couples, especially newbies.
Soft Swing - Some new couples start their swinging lifestyle with a soft swing. You’re in the same room with at least one other naked couple, but you don’t exchange. You have sex with the person you came with. The visual stimulation is incredible. If you’ve never been in a room while another couple (or several couples) are making love, it’s a tremendous turn on. It’s an easy way to enter the culture. If you’re not turned on by the ambiance, then you should probably not try a real exchange. If you are comfortable, move a little closer to a couple you find attractive. Don’t be surprised if they reach out and touch you. If you like the stroking but don’t want to exchange, it’s no problem. You may surprise yourselves and want to exchange with the other couple. It’s all OK, and you never lose control. A soft swing is like going to a restaurant and bringing your own food, but it’s an easy, safe way to stick your toe into the water and see if you want to take the plunge.
Suggestions - Instead of plunging in, why not make your first swing experience a “watching only” trip. This is especially important if one of you isn’t sure about the experience. Go to a local swing club and explain to the people in charge you’d like to check it out. They applaud this common sense approach. Experienced party masters don’t want drama upsetting the mood, and much prefer a sensible new couple to unprepared newbies who try to go too fast. You can always change your mind and exchange if the reluctant one gets horny. However, its best if you meet people, are honest about your reservations and make it clear you’re on a Fact Finding Mission. Experienced couples are wonderful with honest and sensible newbies.
Go home and talk about your opinions. Ask one another questions and be honest (and kind) with the answers. Talk about both positives and negatives. Ask the reluctant partner what he or she liked, and did not like. Be prepared for this to be the end of the subject for a time. The reluctant partner has to have the right to say “no”. If he or she doesn’t feel pushed or pressured, they may change their minds with time. A good partner (not just swinging) is always willing to respect the other persons decisions, especially on something as important as sex.
If you are both willing, try to call ahead to the club or event and ask questions. What should you wear? Are there lockers? What should you bring? How many people will be attending? What are the most common mistakes first time visitors make? The organizers and club owners are usually very sympathetic, patient and informative.
Do support your partner. Make their joy more important than your own.
Do communicate; it’s impossible to overcommunicate in The Lifestyle.
Do stay together. If you get separated accidentally, find one another immediately. This is not like some other mixer where people work the room separately. You are a team. Unless you are at a convention or on a cruise, you must work together.
Watch your partner after a trade has begun, make certain they are OK. If you are the woman, be prepared to stop if the other woman isn’t willing. If you are the guy, make sure the other man is respectful and that your girl is having a good time.
Do walk away if either of you is not happy.
Do make the other person happy during an exchange. Talk to them, even during sex. This is their fantasy too. Make certain you do everything you are comfortable doing to make your new partner happy and satisfied. Compliment them. Ask if there is anything they want.
Do remember that your partner is the most important person in your life, and make sure they have the best time possible.
Do keep your eyes open. Stay alert to possibilities. Make eye contact or avoid eye contact, depending on what you and your partner want.
Don’t wander off. Stay together.
Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
Don’t be afraid to walk away if you are not comfortable
Don’t get drunk, especially the guys.
Don’t be negative. Swingers have feelings. If your answer is “no”, make it the nicest “no” you’ve ever given.
Don’t ever say negative things about your partner. You’re a team, a unit.
Don’t make dates with people you meet (especially outside the club) without your partners knowledge and approval.
Privacy - Most swingers are successful professionals or business owners. Their participation in The Lifestyle is an extremely private matter, especially for the women. She may have enjoyed bringing you to an intense orgasm on Saturday night, but don’t assume you’re old friends if you meet by chance at the grocery store. She probably has children, professional colleagues and neighbors who know nothing about her private side. If you do see someone you’ve met at an event, don’t be offended if they look right though you and don’t say “hi”. Likewise, don’t take offense if they won’t tell you anything about their real lives….including giving you phone numbers and addresses. You’ll be glad for this Lifestyle Courtesy when it’s your turn to need discretion.
Share the good times together…
Swing! 💋
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