darker times

27 yo. she/her

[rantandrelapse]

One of my go to meals that I’m obsessed with atm, so I bought one of those big packs of sliced chicken. I take one small piece, I typically weigh it after cooking it and it’s usually about 50 cals. I cook with no oil, just some togarashi spice, then some konjac noodles with are like 6cals for 100g??? And I make a sauce with grated ginger, low sodium soy, rice vinegar and scallions which is like 15 cals all together so I’m having like 76cals for that entire meal. It’s perfect. Great lunch. Great dinner.

[rantandrelapse]

Shouldn’t weigh myself for the next week or so, my period is right around the corner and the bloating has started. Better to just restrict and keep at it and weigh after so the fluctuations don’t upset me

[rantandrelapse]

I still lost despite my very minor binge last night. Quite happy with myself ngl. I’m out of the 160s now. I still have a long way to 120. But I’m almost at my first goal. It suck’s because I have a small trip coming up and I know that’ll be a set back. If I can get out of the 150s first. I’d be very happy.

[rantandrelapse]

I ended up binging tonight. Had about 1k cals total. Maybe a little over. Not happy.

[rantandrelapse]

I’ve lost 9 pounds in the last 5 days. More proof of how over weight I’ve truly become. I’m happy to see so much progress. Another 10.4 pounds to my first goal.

[rantandrelapse]

I had a 62 calorie snack, of cucumber with a small bit of tzatziki and I feel like I’ve fucked up. I haven’t because my total will still be under 700 but it feels like a fail having had a snack. I haven’t snacked the last few days so I truly feel I fucked up.

[rantandrelapse]

I swear it’s like a high when you see a bit of progress every day! But again, if I hadn’t gained so much it wouldn’t be like this. But I’m almost at my first goal. I have 4 smaller goals till I get to my goal weight. I obviously do have an UGW which I was at before, I still have all the clothes too but we shall not get our hopes too high. 120 is a good current goal for now.

[rantandrelapse]

Seeing so much progress so fast makes it clear I am quite over weight.

[rantandrelapse]

Nothing more motivating than seeing some progress.

[rantandrelapse]

I’m 27 now. I’d been in recovery for about two/three years. And now. Here I am. I have never been so disgusted with myself. Being my age and being back here. It’s hard. I’m looking at all these posts and I can’t relate to anyone anymore. My my fitness pal account was made back when I was like 13/14 and it feels like wiping off the dust on an old book and logging back in. I’m at my highest weight ever, which is vile. I have a long way to go. I weighed myself for the first time in a long time this morning. After two days of 1000cal days and burning some of that too.

So here we go. Again.

[rantandrelapse]

I tried so hard to recover and get back to w healthy weight. Now I'm a healthy weight and wondering why TF did I do that. I went from 108 pounds to 130. I canttttt.

[rantandrelapse]

Hit a new low of 108 pounds recently.

[rantandrelapse]

The days here and long and empty.

You fill your days with work and friends.

I sit here alone and try to pretend

That I'm not a burden and not an intruder

But that's far from the truth.

You say you like me here and that I make the days less grey

But I can still feel you slowly slipping away

Out of my grasp and out of my heart

I dare not try and hold on, I can't afford to be let down again.

[rantandrelapse]

The night is long and tedious. I can recall every night I spent awake, slicing my skin, picking away pieces of me like a petal off a flower, watching the clock slowly drag minute by minute. Im always dragged back to the bathtub. Draining my velvet life source, listening to each drop smash against the empty tub. It's so easy to drift back. The tick of my watch, rain dancing against my window, the sound of metal hitting a surface. It brings me there.

Before it was easy to pull myself back. A snap of my elastic band. Two snaps. Twenty. My wrists are bruised, red, ready to burst open. Before, there wasn't a fresh pack of pristine blades, pounding thoughts of slicing, a blade prickling at my skin. It wasn't within reach, it was distant. A memory, a nightmare. I was able to snap back here.

Now I'm there. Im sat in the tub, blades within reach. It feels familiar and easy, the laziness of harming in a tub for minimum clean up. The cold tub pressing against my bare skin, the quiet. But I am not there. I am in bed, in reality.

[rantandrelapse]

12 hrs into a fast right now. Aiming for 48 this time

[rantandrelapse]

Almost 48hrs in again! So happy with myself. Ill try push for the 72 this time

[rantandrelapse]

Woke At 118. V happy with myself. Almost 36hrs into my fast