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@rantsofablonde-blog
I don’t feel myself anymore
I mean that literally. I don’t feel my own emotions, my own consciousness. I feel lost, not myself, and empty.
I feel misunderstood.
I feel isolated.
I feel abandoned.
I feel lonely.
I feel like what I do feel isn’t who I am. Like I’m out of my body and looking down on me.
I don’t understand what I do feel.
I just want to sleep.
Forever.
I still haven’t told him...
It’s been roughly three months since I found out that my ulcer is back.
I’ve been avoiding believing it myself because I don’t want to admit the pain and the vomiting and the burning and stabbing can’t be helped. Outside of taking antacids or acid blockers, there’s no cure. Other than rest.
Rest. When am I supposed to get rest?
I work Monday through Friday. I’ve got one more weekend left until my next two weekends are enveloped in photo shoots I’m taking for Charity. When I’m at work, I’m stressed. I got the promotion, but before I can transition I have to pass off what I’m doing now. I can’t even do that because each time I try something ends up in disarray outside of my own control.
I come home from stress of work and I come home to more stress by an animal living in my home I don’t want here.
I’m arguing with him because of the stress of the animal. He doesn’t want to give it to a better home. I don’t want to separate from him.
This isn’t going to be solved this way. So, no. I haven’t told him.
I haven’t told him that I had another miscarriage. I haven’t told him that I’ve got another cyst. I haven’t told him that I need to be screened again and have another biopsy.
I haven’t told him, because.... I don’t even know if I can trust him to be here forever. I’m really vulnerable right now, and maybe by not telling him, I’m still in denial. Or maybe by not telling him, I’m saving myself. From emotional trauma later.
I really don’t have the patience
I don’t know what kind of person this makes me but I really can’t stand sitting here while I listen to the BS that comes out of your mouth on a daily basis.
I wish that I could just shut off my ears for a few minutes until you blab and then walk away, but trying to stay in touch with you is overbearing.
I think that you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can’t even see when people right in front of you are suffering from their own problems. I don’t have the patience to listen to you bitch and whine and moan and ask me for advice when you’re not going to take it, anyway.
Why ask me what ‘I would do’ if my words are just going into one ear and out the other????
Stare at this for a second...
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Charles Bukowski (via what-strange-lives-we-live)
What is wrong with you?
Honey, I get it.
You want to feel wanted. You want to feel needed. You want to be loved. You want to be kissed. You want to be held. You want someone to kiss you. You want someone to help you pay the bills.
I understand all that, I do, but that doesn’t mean you have to continuously go looking for it in every guy that comes into your life, now.
Ever since the divorce was filed you’ve gone through at least five guys. Whether they got in your uber, or walked into your life from a distant time we call high school. Now that you’ve been considered single, they all want to take you out and be yours. It’s really not hard to see why, you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
That doesn’t mean they are right for you.
Since the divorce was made final a few months ago, you’ve given birth to another man’s baby, and are no longer speaking to the father because he’s drug ridden and abusive. You fell for a drug-addicted idiot, and before getting over him and deciding whether you wanted him or not, you are already remarried in the same year.
Do you not see what is wrong with that paragraph?
Why is it that those of us that genuinely love you can say all these things to you, despite knowing how hard it is for us to say it? Afraid that we are going to run you off, or make you hate us, but we say it anyway because we have your best interests and health at heart... and yet, it means nothing... But the first guy that says “I love you, you’re perfect” is all of a sudden the one?
I feel for you and all you have been through but to be honest, babe, it’s all caused by your own fault.
1) the divorce happened because it was probably inevitable, but you didn’t help by basically telling your husband of your dishonesty and disloyalty by having sexting sessions and talking over the phone to a guy in another State that isn’t your husband and the father of your two kids.
2) you didn’t really try to salvage it, to be honest. You got frustrated and you left, and yes he showed his ass and a totally different side that none of us knew, but you made that decision.
3) You committed adultery by driving weekly, monthly, to see the guy in the other state and maxing out all your credit cards -- yet I could never get you to drive a fraction of the distance to visit me after I moved???
4) You got knocked up from said adultery
5) you found out he was abusive and not safe or smart. So you left him,and shut him out.
6) you continued to commit adultery on several accounts by sleeping with every guy that said you were amazing when they got in your jeep to Uber with you.
7) you used me, your oldest friend and sister, to sleep here, as an excuse to get off work while I was facing news of cancer, just to come and sleep with one of those uber instances for one night in my city.
8) you fell “in love” blah, with the guy that was addicted to drugs and let him move in with you, while still married technically.
9) he went insane and your kids were involved.
10) you lost custody and have to pay child support, and now have the other guy’s child that was just born.
11) now you’re married yet again to another guy, that helps you pay the bills and “loves” your kids as “his own”.
What is it going to take for you to see how seriously messed up your train of thought and sanity is? I know you’ve been through some tough things this past year, but you have purposely made it hard on yourself. Every action that has happened to you has happened at your own doing, or undoing, despite all your family and my attempts to talk whatever sense into you that we could.
I don’t think you can be helped anymore.
I think it’s going to take you seriously losing everything before you understand that guys that say “i love you” are not the answer. You need to love yourself, and figure out how to provide for yourself without another man in the picture.
I seriously hope this isn’t how you would want your daughters to grow up learning that it’s okay to jump from bad scenario to another just to be comfortable? Of course it isn’t! So, why do you do it?
Really ask yourself that, ma’am.
I am to the point I’m almost ready to just be done. Everytime I call for support in my life, or something I need to talk to you about, you turn it around to you and your guys and your problems. I can’t just call and talk to my best friend anymore? I’m not even sure she is still there...
