Beetlejuice: the Musical OBCR Starters! ACT 1
all changeable titles/pronouns will be in [italics and bracket!]
“ in times like these, we have no words, we only have each other ”
“ we only have each other ”
“ today we come together to mourn ”
“ scripture tells us: “sorrow not, for we do not walk alone” ”
“ sorrow not, for we do not walk alone ”
“ you’re invisible when you’re sad ”
“ clocks tick and phones still ring ”
“ the world carries on like mad ”
“ the world carries on like mad, but nobody sees a thing ”
“ nobody sees a thing ”
“ whispering behind their hands, lost for kind words to say ”
“ nobody understands, and everyone goes away ”
“ nobody understands ”
“ everyone goes away ”
“ grownups wanna fix things, when they can’t it only fills them shame ”
“ they just look away ”
“ is it being greedy to need somebody to see me and say my name? ”
“ seems when you lose your [mom], no one turns off the sun ”
“ folks carry on, that’s that ”
“ holy crap, a ballad already? ”
“ such a bold departure from the original source material! ”
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING
“ hey folks! begging your pardon! ”
“ hey folks! ”
“ begging your pardon! ”
“ ‘scuse me! sorry to barge in! ”
“ ‘scuse me! ”
“ sorry to barge in! ”
“ let’s skip the tears ”
“ let’s skip the tears and start on the whole, y’know, being dead thing ”
“ you’re doomed! ”
“ you’re doomed! enjoy the singing ”
“ the sword of Damocles is swinging ”
“ if i hear your cell-phone ringing, i’ll kill you myself ”
“ the whole being dead thing! ”
“ death can get a person stressed ”
“ we should have carpe’d way more diems, now we’re never gonna see ‘em ”
“ we should have carpe’d way more diems ”
“ i can show you what comes next ”
“ don’t be freaked ”
“ stay in your seats ”
“ don’t be freaked, stay in your seats ”
“ i do this bullshit like eight times a week ”
“ so just relax, you’ll be fine ”
“ drink your fifty-dollar wine and take a breath ”
“ welcome to a show about death! ”
“ you’re gonna be fine on the other side ”
“ DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE! ”
“ i’ll be your guide to the other side ”
“ oh, and full disclosure: it’s a show about death! ”
“ everybody gets on fine here ”
“ everybody gets on fine here, like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here ”
“ the women’s bathroom has no line here ”
“ just... pee where you want! ”
“ you’re just gonna love the folks here ”
“ yes, i know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here ”
“ i do, like, a TON of coke here ”
“ nobody is bullet-proof ”
“ “i work out! i eat clean!” jesus, pass the Dramamine ”
“ jesus, pass the Dramamine ”
“ time to face the brutal truth ”
“ we’re all on a hitlist ”
“ might not live ‘till christmas ”
“ choke to death on Triscuits ”
“ hey, that’s just statistics ”
“ take a little break here ”
“ kinda like a wake here ”
“ the scenery is fake here ”
“ there’s a giant snake here! ”
“ how you doin’? not good! ”
“ seriously though, this is a show about death ”
“ death is taboo, but it’s hardly something new ”
“ there’s nothing medical professionals could do, ‘cept maybe just bill you ”
“ if you die while listening to this album, it’s still gonna keep playing ”
“ there’s no destiny or fate, just a terrifying wait filled with people that you hate, and on a certain date, the universe kills you ”
“ that’s the thing with life: no one makes it out alive ”
“ toss that body in the pit ”
“ gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic? ”
“ blah blah bible jesus magic ”
“ when you’re dead, who gives a shit? ”
“ pilates, no more yoga ”
“ namaste, you fuckin’ posers! ”
“ from the cradle to cremation, death just needs a little conversation ”
“ i have mastered the art of tearing convention apart ”
“ how about we all make a start on the whole being dead thing ”
“ god, i hope you’re ready for a show about death! ”
“ look at this crib ”
“ look at this crib, in all of it’s glorious antiquary ”
“ every curve and surface speaks to me, saying pamper and spoil me, sand me and oil me; come on ”
“ i know to the untrained eye it’s boring ”
“ nothing’s a chore when you’re restoring ”
“ apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain, it’s fun! ”
“ why do you polish your crib when you don’t have a kid? ”
“ even if you did have a kid, this crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it ”
“ it simply exists to remind you your sense of perfection is just a reflection that you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid ”
“ why don’t you live? ”
“ just make a start ”
“ are you willing to take the next step? ”
“ ready, set - ”
“ look at these jugs! ”
“ amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery ”
“ i took some clay and made you pottery ”
“ the world will never wreck you, i’ll protect you in a mother’s embrace ”
“ why can’t you see that ceramics is simply a manifestation of [motherly] panic; by making a baby that’s breakable aren’t you creating a way of translating the terror of making [maternal] mistakes into clay, hiding away so you don’t have to face being a bad [mom]? ”
“ that’s what you’ve done, ___ ”
“ here we stand at the end of a 10-year plan ”
“ a house, a yard, a minivan, a baby should be next ”
“ together let’s leap off the cliff, fall forever, then smash to bits ”
“ trapped in a terrifying viper pit ”
“ trapped in a terrifying viper pit of diapers and regret ”
“ are we willing to take the next step? ”
“ ready, set - not yet ”
“ why rush? ”
“ soon enough our hopes and our dreams will be crushed ”
“ but not yet ”
“ not now ”
“ we can’t start a family in a house with creaky floorboards ”
“ you are absolutely right, let’s add it to the list ”
“ with the cracks in the plaster ”
“ the wi-fi should be faster ”
“ this sofa needs a castor ”
“ the bathroom’s a disaster! ”
“ what about global poverty? ”
“ what about world peace? ”
“ then there’s the whole darn economy ”
“ the whole middle east ”
“ we should learn mandarin ”
“ yeah! or spanish at least ”
“ no habla espanol, dos cervezas por favor ”
“ and that’s all we got, and that’s not a lot ”
“ do we want a bilingual household or not? ”
“ so let’s go slow, no breaking a sweat ”
“ what’s the point of having children if we’re drowning in debt? ”
“ see, i wasn’t kidding, it’s a show about death! ”
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING PT. 2
“ ready? okay! ”
“ hi! i’ll be your guide! i’ll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side! ”
“ don’t go to the netherworld ”
“ netherworld? ”
“ did i say netherworld? never mind ”
“ jesus, i can’t spell ”
“ he’ll be your guide! ”
“ let’s all get naked! ”
“ let’s all get naked! eh, worth a try ”
“ what is happening?! ”
“ i understand that it’s a lot to process ”
“ the good news is you and our spouse died in your own house ”
“ that gives you clout ”
“ that means the two of you should stick around ”
“ lucky for you i dropped by ”
“ yeah, you seem like nice guys ”
“ a little on the pottery barn and dry white wine side ”
“ as for me, i’ve been scaring for millennia ”
“ i’m the bio-exorcist giving houses enemas ”
“ push out all the breathers so you can breathe easy ”
“ just stick with me ”
“ i’m like a ghost zombie jesus ”
“ ghost zombie jesus! ”
“ i do it for the love of it. money? ah, who gives a shit ”
“ i think we’re a perfect fit, c’mon let’s make out a bit ”
“ it’s the perfect day to die ”
“ it’s the perfect day to die, ‘cause this guy happened to be passing by ”
“ to give you control of your soul ”
“ to give you control of your soul for the whole being dead thing ”
“ hey [mom], dead [mom] ”
“ hey [mom] ”
“ i need a little help here ”
“ i’m probably talking to myself here ”
“ i gotta ask, are you really in the ground? ”
“ i feel you all around me ”
“ are you here? ”
“ i’m tired of trying to iron out my creases ”
“ i’m a bunch of broken pieces, it was you who made me whole ”
“ i’m a bunch of broken pieces ”
“ it was you who made me whole ”
“ every day [dad’s] staring at me, like all “hurry up, get happy” ”
“ move along ”
“ forget about your [mom] ”
“ [daddy’s] in denial, [daddy] doesn’t wanna feel ”
“ [he] wants me to smile and clap like a performing seal ”
“ ignored it for a whole, but [daddy’s] lost [his] mind for real ”
“ you don’t believe the mess that we’ve become ”
“ you’re my home, my destination ”
“ i’m your clone, your strange creation ”
“ you held my hand, and life came easy ”
“ now jokes don’t land ”
“ no one sees me ”
“ nothing seems to fit ”
“ are you receiving? ”
“ i want something to believe in ”
“ take me where my soul can run ”
“ i’ll be in my bedroom, wake me when i’m twenty one ”
“ won’t you send a sign? ”
“ i’m running out of hope and time ”
“ a plague of mice, a lightning strike, or drop a nuclear bomb ”
“ no more playing [daddy’s] games ”
“ i’ll go insane if things don’t change ”
“ whatever it takes to make [him] say your name ”
“ okay, listen up, i’m not gonna lie; right now you couldn’t frighten a fly ”
“ you ever stop to ask yourselves why? ”
“ both of you are super polite, middle class, suburban, and white ”
“ well, all of that is finished tonight ”
“ take your places ”
“ i want scary faces, now go! ”
“ bigger! ”
“ further! ”
“ harder! ”
“ not bad! ”
“ i want scary faces, now go! bigger! further! harder! -- not bad! ”
“ sever a head, preferably someone you know ”
“ look at me, i’m so scary! ”
“ don’t be so vanilla, would a little anger kill ya? ”
“ c’mon drop your panties i’m trying to fill you -- with wisdom and skill ”
“ and the instinct to kill ”
“ again, we do not want to kill anyone! ”
“ fine, but somehow, someway, you gotta make ‘em see ya ”
“ i’m talkin’ jumpscares, the jerky japanese ghost-walk ”
“ learn how to throw your voice! -- fool your friends! -- fun at parties! ”
“ now THAT is cool! i wanna do THAT! ”
“ whatever it takes to make ‘em go crazy ”
“ raising the stakes by punching a baby ”
“ scare ‘em away till they break ”
“ they’ll be quaking in fright ”
“ you’ve got some evil deep down inside you ”
“ put all the farmer’s markets behind you ”
“ you’ve gotta work, gotta haunt till it hurts through the night ”
“ give those guys the fright of their lives! ”
“ let’s start with things that you hate ”
“ hate’s a very strong word ”
“ perhaps when people are late ”
“ or getting pooped on by birds ”
“ no, what fills you with rage? ”
“ what fills you with rage? ”
“ being mean to a pet ”
“ chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette ”
“ over-glutinous food ”
“ when kids call me dude ”
“ oh, i find that so rude! ”
“ well, there’s lots there to use ”
“ take a deep death and give me your best primal scream ”
“ [weak, lame scream] ”
“ that was brilliant! ”
“ try it again, maybe this time pretend like you mean it ”
“ [lame scream but deeper] ”
“ that was even better! ”
“ i want freedom ”
“ to get my freedom i need to get a living person to say my name ”
“ i know that beggars can’t be choosers, but do they have to be such losers? ”
“ both of them are deathly dull and lame ”
“ why God slash Satan did you send these bed wetters? ”
“ even, like, a tax attorney would’ve been better ”
“ somebody with gravitas, somebody to fear ”
“ excuse me, ___, we can kinda hear you ”
“ yeah? well that was a soliloquy, so you’re the one who’s being rude ”
“ turn all the lights on ”
“ dress like a baby ”
“ ___, i don’t even -- no. ”
“ get your heads in the game ”
“ let’s hide their phones! ”
“ screw their phones! ”
“ ugh, these dopes are hopeless ”
“ how will i ever survive? ”
“ unless they get the fright of their lives ”
“ yes, we’re feelin’ it! ”
“ they gotta get the right of their lives ”
“ we’re scary, very very scary! ”
“ they’ll never get the fright of their lives ”
“ that needy pervert was right ”
“ if we want our house back, we have to fight for it ”
“ how? no one can see us! ”
“ we’re ghosts, damn it! let’s haunt this bitch! ”
“ oblivion calls ”
“ we might as well walk through some walls ”
“ i’m sure we can haunt our own halls ”
“ we’re ready as we’ll ever get ”
“ i gotta get right outside my comfort zone ”
“ we’ll rattle chains and, i don’t know, just wail and moan until they go ”
“ ready, set let’s oooOOOoOooOooOo [ghost noises] ”
“ the universe is more than just space with no end ”
[sung] “ la-la-la-la-la! ”
“ just think of the universe as a female best friend ”
“ hey, universe, what’s happening girl? ”
“ oh nothing. just running the world ”
“ you’re on the right track, [girl], i got your back, [girl] ”
“ i’m helping you grow ”
“ think positive, act positive, you are a child of the Earth! ”
“ life coaching! nailing it! ”
“ time to take command you dictate the hand the universe deals ”
“ look, science makes no sense; who needs evidence? ”
“ go with yours feels ”
“ i’m like a radio tuned to the stars ”
“ i found my frequency, crystals speak to me ”
“ what are they saying? ”
“ buy more crystals ”
“ everything, EVERYTHING, happens for a reason ”
“ be a beacon of light in the world, put a little alright in the world ”
“ there are spiritual guides above, look up and see ‘em ”
“ perception is reality ”
“ just listen to the melody the universe sings ”
“ everything happens for a reason ”
“ gee, i hate to break it to you: the universe is just the contents of time, matter and space ”
“ ninety-one billion light-years across and the Earth’s a small place ”
“ good people die in famine and wars ”
“ the pacific islands are sinking, but negative thinking is hardly the cause ”
“ you think life is all unicorns and rainbows ‘cause you’re bored ”
“ positivity is a luxury that few can afford ”
“ we’re gonna die, yes you and I, in meaningless and alone ”
“ no no no! no! ”
“ one day you may wake up alone ”
“ your husband and his boyfriend bought a boat and then they sailed away to Rome ”
“ that’s specific ”
“ so you cry yourself to sleep in deep despair, talking to the walls ‘cause there’s no one there, and you have to buy a cat ‘cause that’s your last chance to have a family ”
“ take it from me, your aging ass will have to believe that everything happens for a reason ”
“ put some more fun in the world, a little “I AM STILL YOUNG” in the world ”
“ be prepared to take your eggs and freeze ‘em ”
“ is this still about me? ”
“ sounds like terrible things can happen ”
“ because the universe is random ”
“ yes, but, random for a reason ”
“ no reason ”
INVISIBLE (REPRISE)/ON THE ROOF
“ you’re invisible when you’re me ”
“ there’s no one to see my truth ”
“ if they could look up they’d see: hey! somebody’s on the roof! ”
“ god, it’s mortifying, what’s the point of even trying? ”
“ now i’m trapped with no escape ”
“ banished! disavowed! i vanished like a cloud of dirty hipster vape ”
“ i vanished like a cloud of dirty hipster vape ”
“ nobody said life’s fair ”
“ guess they will never see the demon who isn’t there ”
“ whoa, what have we got here? ”
“ by the time you read this, I, ___, will be gone ”
“ there’s nothing for me here ”
“ i’m alone, forsaken, invisible ”
“ that makes two of us ”
“ who the hell are you? ”
“ can you... see me? ”
“ yeah...? ”
“ you can SEE me! ”
“ I’M GONNA HAVE A NEW BEST FRIIIIIIEEEENND! ”
“ you could use a buddy ”
“ don’t you want a pal? ”
“ yes i do! yes i do! ”
“ the way i see, your [daddy] should be leaving and you should stick around! ”
“ and kill him! ”
“ ... what? ”
“ nothing! ”
“ don’t end yourself, defend yourself ”
“ [daddy] is the one you should maim ”
“ together we’ll exterminate, assassinate! ”
“ the finer points can wait ”
“ first you gotta say my name! ”
“ go ahead and jump but that won’t stop [him] ”
“ here you got a solid plan B option ”
“ i can bring your [daddy] so much pain ”
“ all you gotta do is say my name ”
“ just say it three times in a row ”
“ you won’t believe how far i’ll go ”
“ i’m in the bench, but coah, just put me in the game! ”
“ i don’t know your name ”
“ well, i can’t SAY it ”
“ how ‘bout a game of charades? ”
“ yes, let’s play it! ”
“ close, but no ”
“ wow, i’m impressed ”
“ all you gotta do is say my name three times ”
“ three times in a row it must be spoken, unbroken ”
“ you’re so smart, a stand-up bro ”
“ i’ll think about your offer, let you know ”
“ i prefer my chances down below ”
“ being young and [female] doesn’t mean that i’m an easy mark ”
“ i’ve been swimming with piranhas, i don’t need a shark ”
“ yes, life sucks, but not that much ”
“ be a doll and spare the lecture ”
“ i’m offering you a full-time specter! ”
“ are you any good? ”
“ you bet’cha! trust me, baby! ”
“ really, it’s a flattering offer ”
“ don’t you wanna see [dad] suffer? ”
“ i think i’d rather just jump off ”
“ i may be suicidal but ___, it’s not as if i’ve lost my mind ”
“ so, playing hardball, huh? you are tougher than you look ”
“ just wanna make sure i know who i’m working with. go any references? ”
“ ___, there you are! ”
“ get away from [her] ! ”
“ this is a dangerously unstable individual ”
“ ___ is sexy! ”
“ ___ is smart! ”
“ ___ is a graduate of Julliard! ”
“ [he] can help, we found [him] on yelp ”
“ our troubles all ended on the day that we befriended ”
“ every word is the truth ”
“ what the heck was that? ”
“ so violating! ”
“ there you go, kid, couple of five-star reviews ”
“ that was possession ”
“ any ghost can do that in less than one lesson ”
“ pretty much any ghost’ll do, sure ”
“ then, ___, what do i need you for? ”
“ woah, woah, woah woah woah! hold up! ”
“ hold up! i’m your pal! ”
“ they’re sweet, but i’m a demon straight from hell ”
“ i know, i went a little hard on the sell ”
“ we’re BF-F-F-F’s forever! ”
“ what? he was already dead ”
“ we don’t need that demon ”
“ together we can make a grown man weep ”
“ we got a dinner date to keep ”
“ okay, so what’s the plan? ”
“ [he’s] gonna freak when we possess him ”
“ i’ll lead that lamb to slaughter ”
“ yeah, i got game! ”
“ i’m gonna make [him] say my name ”
“ not running away ”
DAY-O (THE BANANA BOAT SONG)/ACT I FINALE
“ what’s going on ___? are you alright? ”
“ i don’t -- i dont know what just happened ”
“ ___? do you need to lie down? ”
“ what is happening to me? ”
“ work all night on a drink of rum ”
“ daylight come and me wanna go home ”
“ stack banana till the morning come ”
“ wait, why aren’t you dancing? ”
“ it’s like i told you, ___, this house is haunted, and the ghosts who live here want you OUT ”
“ who wants bacon? ”
“ no! no! i’m a vegan! ”
“ shut up, you moron! don’t apologize, we’re gonna be RICH! ”
“ a genuine haunted house? it’s a goldmine! ”
“ these ghosts are gonna make us a fortune! ”
“ no! you’re supposed to be scared! ”
“ there’s one thing that can still stop [him] ”
“ ___, no! you don’t know what’ll happen! ”
“ i can’t keep living like this! ”
“ oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! i’m so glad you changed your mind! ”
“ you are never gonna regret this! ”
“ we are gonna make such a great team! ”
“ give me just... one... more... ”
“ it’s SHOWTIME! ”
“ it’s our house now, kid! ”
“ looks like we’re not invisible anymore! ”
