The Raven Gregory

Writer guy

[ravengregory]

I want to become something new. Something better. I want to break every limit. Today I did dips for the first time. First time working out for 5 hours (I had demons that needed beating). First time max incline bench. Oh and 1st in 14 months soberish I really wanted to drink myself into oblivion but manage to say no. See future raven. It always passes. That’s what they mean by this to will pass. It’s feels like I’m taking this body out for a ride and really seeing what she can do. Because it’s not enough to be healthy and get in shape. It’s about getting to that level of finally being able to…. Do all those neat moves they do in the movies. You know the movies and you know the moves. 😂 Now picture me doing those moves. There you go. 😝 P.s. Got my #4amworkout just had to sneak it in from the back. Back door workout. #standupcomedy #weightlossjourney #neverweak #whosgonnacarrytheboats #nolimits #fuckinghatehashtags #notaninfluencer #theravengregory https://www.instagram.com/p/CqVN6Xkrt1E/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Jogged just shy of 6 miles in 2 hours. Trying to disappear in wherever that place is where Frodo goes when he puts on the ring. Sigh. One more workout to go tonight. #thisisntevenmyfinalform https://www.instagram.com/p/CoVpN33PRvW/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Hey future Raven. Do you think you could fuck for an hour and a half straight? Nope. Probably not. But guess who the fuck who can jog five miles for an hour and a half and not have to stop? This muthafucka right here!!!! A year ago I could barely do a mile. WTF. Also, this one is for all the ladies getting it at the gym with the chaffing nipples. I feel your pain, baby. My nipples are here for you. Oh hey look. There’s actually muscles under all that mess of pillsbury doughboy flesh. Neat. And I will fucking do that pull up damnit. I’m coming for you pull up bar. Watch me you evil fuck. My chin will kiss you soon. 😈 #neverweak #nolimits #gettingitin #weightlossjourney #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #ThisIsntEvenMyFinalForm #canthurtme #standupcomedian #fuckthesehashtags https://www.instagram.com/p/CoQdrRKP1hv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

When I don’t workout my brain attacks me. Want to know how I got in shape? My brain literally screams at me and tries to kill me if I don’t. That’s how. Hey there depression. Guess what? I can fight you now. I can beat depression. I might never figure out my brain but for the first time in my life I can fight back against that shit. Fastest time running a mile was 14 minutes. Fuck that. We gonna beat that today. You want to scream at me brain. I’ll scream right back. (Kayla, I’m coming for that 11 minute mile next) Also, my nipples hurt. This chaffing shit sucks! Fun fact I’m being constantly reminded about on this journey. Brian Pulido words stay with me so much lately. That if you’re drinking or drugging you can’t heal. That’s the catch. Takes the pain away, numbs the hurt, but it’s a bandage at best. Found myself tonight crying in the men’s bathroom at the gym on the toilet stifling my tears reading this book as I was suddenly thrown back to the day I saw my wife in the morgue and said goodbye for the first time. Yup. Healing fucking hurts. But crying without booze, being able to access my emotions, that’s something I cherish more than anything else. (Haven’t cried reading a book since Where the Red Fern Grows in elementary, good job David Goggins) I left everything at the gym tonight. Now to sleep and do it all over again in the morning. #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #neverweak #weightlossjourney #ThisIsntEvenMyFinalForm #canthurtme #gettingitin #soberaf https://www.instagram.com/p/CoMf_HkOIwv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Last night taught me you need the heckler. You need the comedian who roasts you brutally. Only way you’ll be ready to tour and deal with the comedy circuit is if you can go when someone completely throws you off, takes you out of your head, play off of it and get right back on it. Cause those fuckers are out there. Those obnoxious drunk loud annoying ass bitches are out there. And you can’t attacked them. You can’t attack the crowd unless you’re a master. So you gotta be ready to stick and move and hit back without missing the beat. Heh. Also, Josh is our Patrice O’Neal. 😆 Hang out with him enough on that back patio and you’ll get a show and all the self deprecating material you need for the stage. 😆 Also, date night with the “for scientific reasons only” baby mama. If you make it to the last pic she trying to be arm candy for the Super Bowl if anyone has an extra ticket. 😉 https://www.instagram.com/p/CoLKx_VPWhi/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

4am workout that didn’t get done until noon. But still got that muthafucka done. And I WILL beat that 15 minute mile if it’s the last thing I do. I REFUSE to become 45 years old and still not able to beat that time. Two days to go. Also, 68 push ups. Most push ups I’ve ever done in a day. Hard to believe a year ago I could barely do three without dying. Now to do it all over again tomorrow. Cheers! P.s. I thought my ass was starting to look good. …….. I was wrong. I was sooooo wrong. My son is no longer allowed to shoot videos because every side of my ass is the bad side. 🤷‍♂️ #weightlossjourney #4amworkout #pushupchallenge #couchto5k #75hard #whosgonnacarrytheboats #canthurtme #standupcomedy #standupcomedian https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn1B06urUhC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Going to my local comic book store to see my new book on the stands. 😆 #newcomicwednesday #newcomicbookday #standupcomedian #standupcomedy https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn09l5dLE-A/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Holy shit I needed that. Whew. Missed that work out high so much. And yes, this is apparently what a midlife crisis looks like. Look like I’m about to go see Batman in the theater. If unfuckable was a look think I nailed it on this one. 😕 Also, this is how we swap out the constant question on repeat in my head as the voices swarm that “what would Robin Williams do when the going gets tough, would he quit,” to the reframe of “nigga what the fuck was you thinking with that hair yo.” I much prefer the second thought process. 😉 Also, got mt workout buddy with me again. The dragon is back on day 1 with papa bear. #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #canthurtme #mentalhealthawareness #4amworkout https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnw4lMbv1Yb/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

I swear I will never be less again. The saying is be all you can be. Fuck that. Imma be more than I can be. You ain’t seen nothing yet. First mile 308 pounds with weight vest and leg weights. Second mile at 298 pounds with only weight vest. Third mile body weight 284. One minute plank!!!!!!!! Jesus Christ I saw Gods butt cheek on that one. Body fully rested and recovered. Next week moving up to two workouts at the gym per day. I will get that 15 minute mile before I turn 45 even if it fucking kills me. #ThisIsntEvenMyFinalForm #youaintseennothingyet #whosgonnacarrytheboats #4amworkout #watchmenow https://www.instagram.com/p/CnNnSsFvK3s/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Advice heard but rarely taken: Suffer from depression? Have you tried quitting drinking and using drugs for a month? Them: It’s too hard to quit and I need the meds and liquor/dope to be able to deal. Suffer from anxiety? Have you tried exercising every single fucking day? Have you tried therapy? Have you tried mediating? Have you really looked for an answer? Have you searched and tried each and every fucking thing? Them: It’s too much effort, too hard to find the time and I can’t get motivated enough to do it. No wonder it’s so much easier to believe a magic happy pill can fix you. No one wants to work harder than they have to. The catch…those meds stop working and then you’ll need more and THAT’S when shit gets rough. And bitch that day comes fast. Faster than you think. Are the voices in your head getting too loud? Guess what? You can FIGHT that shit. But you the only one who can do it. These were my excuses for the last ten years. Poor me. Bad hand dealt. Dead wife. You could never get this. That was me looking back in the mirror with an excuse for why I couldn’t fix myself. That was me hating my life and doing everything I could to numb the pain and not deal with the real problem which was me all along. This shit might not work for you. But have you tried? Have you really honestly no bullshit tried? If so my heart is with you. I pray you find your peace. But If not… ITS TIME TO FIGHT!!!! Time to take back your life. Again, you’re the only one who can do it so what are you waiting for? 💯 #mentalhealth #whosgonnacarrytheboats #canthurtme #ThisIsntEvenMyFinalForm #4amworkout https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm_rQSGL6tV/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Ladies and gentlemen. Meet 2023 Raven Gregory. He just jogged for 15 minutes without stopping. He has NEVER been able to do that in his ENTIRE life. Not even as a kid. So ladies, if you feel some pain or discomfort in your lower back don’t be alarmed, that’s me coming for THAT ASS. Oh we breaking some backs this year. Well at least one of you. Maybe two. All fuck it. You can all get it. 😉 Thanks Jesse for reminding me of old tricks and the great burnout. #gymbuddy And why the fuck did no one tell me about this nipple shit? Ouch ouch ouch fuck ouch. The fuck yo. That shit hurts. Runners, you sneaky fuckers left that shit out. In the words of coach Cesar HARD WORK PAYS OFF!!!! And we sure as fuck putting in the work. Let’s get it! Cheers! #75hard #weightlossjourney #4amworkout #runnershigh #standupcomedian #whosgonnacarrytheboats https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm9PYyNrKoD/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

I used to joke with Pat Shand that no one ever asks about our stories when we post something along the lines of “so a lot of people have been asking”. I guess he gets a lot of them shits. I’ve gotten maybe handful of questions that weren’t writing related in my 20 year career. But I have been getting a shit load of “How did you lose all the weight” questions. Like a lot. Especially out in the wild. So here’s the ap things I use daily. I try to always add new shit to my routine each month but these are my mainstays. Want to know a secret? The real key to this shit? They don’t work unless you do them. 😂 Also, I’ve had this thing in my head I’ve repeatedly told myself for the last 5 years. I’ve never heard of anyone who gets up to workout at 4am every morning who isn’t extremely successful and has their shit together. Thanks @therock for that little life hack. #75hard #couchto5k #pushupseveryday #strong #myfitnesspal #FitbitSense #whosgonnacarrytheboats #weightlossjourney #4amworkout #canthurtme https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm7hsgSvl4V/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

The Raven Gregory 2023 making it easy for fat guy stalkers and serial killers to find me comedy extravaganza!!!! 1/10: House of Comedy AZ - Trash or Treasure hosted by Lamar Mitchell Jr. and Stephen Settanni 1/13-1/15: Albuquerque Comic Con (Sight seeing 1/11-12 - someone remind me to find a comedy club to hit in the area) 1/24 - Brigett's Last Laugh Tickle Your Bone Comedy hosted by Sean McCarthy 1/27: Canadian bacon BIRTHDAY podcast with Chuck P. (Can’t ever remember the name of his podcast other than bacon and nipples) 1/27: THE BIRTHDAY SHOW!!!! Comedy at The 44 Sports Grill and Nightlife presented by TBA 2/5, 2/12, 2/19, 2/26: The Curse of Sharon Black - The 44 Sports Grill and Nightlife 6pm Your princesses might be in another castle but fuck that bitch when you got comedy to keep you warm. Come out and get hot! https://www.instagram.com/p/CmwwCM3vKZy/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Still not back. Really. I mean it. God I hate how this shit keeps trying to pull me back in like good pussy. Anyway, I will do a pull up. I fucking will. Also, Pat Shand was right. This is a pretty dope ass shirt. And last but not least….KISS MY ASS, bitches!!!!! I HAVE AN ASS AGAIN!!!! Nei Ruffino I got my black girl booty!!!! Oooooooh look at that booty squat. Instagram booty. There. Now Pat has something to rub one out to. #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #weightlossjourney #loveyourselffirst #standupcomedian #fulltrailercomingsoon https://www.instagram.com/p/CmGergMORXd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

I used to tell myself that this memory, in this place is one I hold dear to my heart as the last time I was truly happy. If happy places exist, places of peace you can go to in your head, this is mine. In Hawaii with my wife before she passed a few years later. In the coming on ten years since she’s been gone I’ve always thought of it that way. But today I found a new perspective. A new way to look at one of the few things in the world that always has provided me comfort. That there was such god 😢 awful terrible LIFE things coming around the corner that this was a gift she left for me when I needed it most, even if I never knew it. And there’s something achingly beautiful in thinking that somehow she knew. And that makes the hurt bite just a little bit less. Le sigh https://www.instagram.com/p/Cl5bLivLE6c/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

If losing my mind, alcoholism and addiction have taught me anything it’s how to cope with this world. How to reframe shit instantly. Because some days you wake up and you’re broke. Like really broke. Like not homeless broke but fuck guess it time to tighten up the belt and eat ramen and peanut butter broke. Some days you wake up to find out you need new tires on your car. Like you’re lucky you’re still alive need new tires. But you’re broke so no new tires. Guess we walking. Some days you wake up to a knock on your door and you get the fun life experience of learning that shit your kids do…things you had nothing to do with…can get you A FUCKING LAWSUIT. But hey. Shit happens. We deal. Some days you find out your loved one died. (Life, can you please chill with that shit? It’s getting ridiculous now.) And that loss makes you appreciate the loved ones you have left even as you are enveloped by what seems like endless grief. And some days you get a call and find out you have six months to live. …….. Guess you better make each day count. No more days to waste. Go time it is. And some days you really do think Aokigahara would look beautiful this time of year and a change of address might be nice. (Bitches, don’t take that shit seriously) Souls get weary. I get it. I really do. So when you see me laughing HARD AF at a comedy club at any and everything, I am literally TRYING TO STAY ALIVE! I will find the funny in this life no matter what it takes. When you see me at the gym busting my ass I’m not trying to inspire or show off, I’m fighting the demons in my mind! The thoughts that scream and never stop screaming. That’s literally the only way to shut the voices off. When you see the love I have for my friends and everyone around me that is me FIGHTING THIS WORLD AND THIS LIFE BY PUTTING AS MUCH GOOD ENERGY AS I CAN OUT INTO THE WORLD BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH FUCKING BAD. Moral of the story, find the bright side. Because this world is dark and full of terrors. Don’t forget your flashlight. #mentalhealthawareness #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #weightlossjourney #standupcomedy #workoutmotivation https://www.instagram.com/p/ClXDVb5vm5s/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ravengregory]

Note to self. Just because your body says you can doesn’t fucking mean you can. My brain was like nope nope you’re done my dude. Want to go to sleep? Because if you keep going you going to sleep. Yeah. That kind of workout. Gotta watch that shit. Chasing that workout high can be dangerous. #whosgonnacarrytheboats #75hard #weightlossjourney #workoutmotivation #standupcomedy Shout out Michelle M for the little motivational push. Sleep in damn it. I ouchie. 😫 https://www.instagram.com/p/ClS2pHdLT71/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=