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Matthew "Raven" Gangon of the 141 (This is a NSFW, multiverse, multishipping, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 RP account.) Mun and Muse of age (21+) Please read rules

[casablancascassidy-deactivated2]

[shadowofhermes]

Like. Matt liked him. That didn’t mean he had true feelings for him. Caleb felt something in his chest deflate and he backed away. He got it. He got the message. He honestly hadn’t expected anything different. It didn’t change how he felt about Matt though.

Caleb would always care for Matt. Whether it be romantically or otherwise. Matt was the closest thing to family he had and if it had to stay just as platonic family, then that was okay. He found himself nodding as he stepped back and he smiled at Matt. "I get it Matt. I’m sorry… I never should have done that. Not to you." He shook his head and looked into Matt’s eyes. "I’m glad I did, but if you don’t want that with someone… I understand. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

It was a relief that Caleb wasn't going to push him into anything he couldn't handle, and yet... And yet there was a strange sense of disappointment too. Matt had never expected anything like this to happen and of all the ways he had imagined it going down, this was not one of them at all. He had expected Caleb to turn him down because he didn't like him, but instead he was backing off because he liked Matt. Matt didn't know what to do.

He wasn't sure he could explain the reason why he was turning Caleb down, but with the way Caleb had been acting Matt thought he deserved some kind of explanation. It's what he would want if Caleb was the one turning him down. "It's... not that I don't want it," he said, looking down, nerves making his stomach twist. "It's just... I went through my parents's divorce and I don't want to be up close and personal with something like that again. I'm sorry, Cay."

[shadowofhermes]

Maybe Caleb was wrong. Matt, though he wasn’t pulling away, obviously felt panicked over what just happened. Caleb felt terrible because of it. He dropped his hand and looked away from Matt, unable to face his reaction.

"I just…" He felt his nerves building up, but they wouldn’t show. He was an expert at keeping them hidden. Still, with the way his heart was racing he was positive that Matt must be able to hear it. "I just wanted to know what that would be like…" He should have known what the risk would result in. Matt was a flirt with everyone. He probably found more pleasure in the chase too. For Caleb to act like this towards him must have been embarrassing to experience. Surely it was proof that Matt would never want Caleb like Caleb wanted him.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

It suddenly dawned on Matt that this whole thing, Caleb kissing him, meant that Caleb liked him. this wasn't a one way thing. It excited him as much as it terrified and panicked him. Caleb's words and actions, however, made Matt's panic recede a little. Mostly because Caleb was acting strange, really strange, though Matt couldn't decipher exactly what Caleb might have been feeling. Disappointment maybe?

"Cay... I-I didn't mean it the way it sounded." Oh god was he really going to admit this? "It's not you. I like you. A lot. I just— I don't—" he faltered. It was easy to tell a one night stand that he didn't want a relationship, but it was much, much harder with Caleb. He cared what Caleb would think. Which was a big deal, because he tended not to care what anyone thought about him.

He turned and carefully set his violin on his desk, needing a moment to gather the courage to say what he was going to say. "I don't do relationships," he finally said, turning back to face Caleb. "I can't. I-I'm not—" he looked down and fidgeted, his parents divorce on the forefront of his mind. "I'm not cut out for it."

[shadowofhermes]

Caleb watched Matt, studying his body language as he walked away. The fear that was present, it wasn’t something Caleb wanted to see. He felt it himself, though probably not in the same way that Matt did.  What Caleb felt was a fear of not being wanted. That Matt didn’t see him as anything other than a friend. That no one would ever want him that way. But Matt always showed interest of some kind, obvious at times it seemed. And Caleb shared that interest.  Taking a risk, he followed after Matt, standing silently and walking over to his partner and roommate. He walked around Matt as he played and when he was standing in front of him, Caleb gently took hold of Matt’s chin and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He didn’t say anything afterwards. He just watched Matt closely to gauge his reaction.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt could count on one hand the number of times in his life that he'd actually been rendered speechless and right that moment he couldn't get his brain, let alone his mouth, to work. He stared at Caleb, mouth slightly open, shocked and awed.

It was a chaste kiss, probably the most chaste one that Matt had ever had, and even though it had come as a surprise, Caleb kissing him had been better than he'd ever imagined. And he wanted more. That thought snapped him out of his daze and panic raced through him.

"You can't just do that!" he said, voice high with panic, though he made no move to get away from Caleb, didn't even try to pull away from his hand on still on his chin. He was rooted to the spot, the war between his panic and his want paralyzing him.

[hissingthroughmyteeth-blog]

"I have no idea what is going on or where this rumor started, but I do not have herpes. I don’t even know what herpes is.”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

"Uh, Jules, it's a sexually transmitted disease. You get sores from it. It's not fun. I'm also 98% sure your roommate is the one who started it."

[shadowofhermes]

Caleb understood what Matt was talking about, though maybe not entirely. He had witnessed first hand the strength of Matt and Bethany’s bond, but even though it sometimes seemed stronger than the average sibling relationship, he resigned from questioning them about it. After all, he had his own secrets and was never one to pry into someone else’s.

Unless, of course, it was his job or some other situation. Like, for instance, the one he was in now. Hearing Matt refer to him as a best friend wasn’t surprising, but Caleb felt a little disheartened by it. He was certain Matt felt differently than that, but Caleb could never prove it. So he never prodded. Until today.

"Matt… Am I just your best friend? Nothing else?" His voice was even. He just wanted a confirmation.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

With Caleb's question, Matt suddenly felt like he was sitting far too close to him. There was a part of him, a big part of him, that wanted to say, no of fucking course not. I'm in love with you and I don't know what to do about it! But he was still terrified of saying that out loud. Somewhere along the line, during his parents' divorce, he'd convinced himself that love meant very little, that all it ended in was heart break and bitterness. He'd seen it happen again and again. He didn't want to go through that. And he didn't want to make someone else go through it either.

But the words Caleb had spoken made his stupid heart scream at him that this would be worth it. He felt so torn

"It's... I don't... I don't do that stuff," he said, standing up abruptly and moving away from the bed. He started to play on his violin again, needing the movement.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

titanofthe141 said:

"Have you told him yet?"

"Told who what?"

[ravenofthe141-archive]

[Matt has hardly ever hidden the fact that he is gay, he just does not give a shit. But his autism, no matter how mild it is, is not something he tells people about. Being called slurs is one thing, but being looked at like an alien is a whole other thing.]

[shadowofhermes]

"It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle." Caleb studied Matt, noting the awkward fidgeting that usually accompanied his partner in uncomfortable situations. The topic of Matt and Beth’s parents would be one of those situations. But even though Caleb knew their conversation wasn’t exactly lighthearted, and it had come about suddenly, he felt like it was necessary for some unknown reason. "At least Beth was there, right?" He wanted to hear more about Matt, but chose to go a different route.

Rather than forcing Matt to linger on a topic that was so raw to touch, Caleb instead did something he wouldn’t normally have done. He focused in on himself. “I uh… I’ve never had a relationship like that. Like you and Beth. The best I had were those drunks that sang like dying cats and a handful of foster homes.” He smiled. “But now I have you, right? And your playing is a huge improvement over the drunks.”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

"Yeah, she was. We're..." not normal. "Pretty inseparable. Never been apart really..." His and Bethany's autism was something that he discussed even less than the divorce and he was fairly certain that almost no one here knew about it. Counselors he'd been to when he was younger said that if he told people it would help them understand he and Beth, but the few times they had said anything, people just had just looked at them differently. Beth never cared, probably a symptom of the Aspergers, but it had bothered Matt.

"Oh. Really? Yeah, yeah you definitely have me now." He returned Caleb's smile. "You're my best friend, Cay." He hadn't had many close friends in his life and he was extremely grateful for Caleb's friendship, even if his crush made it difficult at times.

[shadowofhermes]

Caleb chewed the inside of his lower lip in a moment of thought before finally deciding to share with Matt. It certainly wouldn’t hurt anything. He pushed himself into a sitting position, propped up with Matt’s pillows, before finally replying. “Bristol.” He paused, considering his next words. “I would be more specific but I moved around a lot. I never really had one home that I stayed in.”

He chose to ignore Matt’s other question. Not out of disrespect, but because it was unintentionally a touchy subject for Caleb. Matt wouldn’t know that though.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt sat down on the edge of his bed, setting his violin in his lap and looking Caleb. "That must have been rough. Bethie and I lived in the same house most of our lives." He hesitated. His parents divorce wasn't something he really liked talking about. "We moved after my parents divorced. Stayed with mom. Then we were off at college. Then the military. Kinda of moved around a lot with that, I guess..."

He fidgeted a little. The atmosphere felt heavy and that wasn't something he really knew how to deal with.

[shadowofhermes]

"Nice try smart ass, but the drunks back home used to sing that to me to put themselves to sleep. It can’t get any worse than that.” Caleb realized at that point that he really hadn’t spoken much about his growing up, not to Matt or anyone else, but it was too late to think twice now.

Caleb took in a slow breath and watched Matt calmly. “Matt.. I’m glad you like having me around. I wouldn’t really have anywhere else to go if you didn’t.”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt stopped playing and looked at Caleb curiously. This was new. Caleb had never really said anything about where he'd come from. He was intrigued, not just for his normal reasons of wanting any information he could get, but because this was Caleb and he wanted to know more about him. "So where was home anyway? I don't think you've ever told me."

He frowned at Caleb's comment. "What are you talking about? I'm sure anyone here would take you in." The thought that Caleb had no where else to go made Matt a little nervous. What if he couldn't stick around for Caleb? What if he got some dumb itch like his father and just... left?

[ozoneofthe141-blog]

Nick was trying his hardest not to smile. He really was. But in truth, the more Raven spoke, the more he reminded him of someone else.

"You know relationships… they don’t have to be the conventional stuff you see in the movies. They can be anything, the only thing they need is the common ground that you and Viper so obviously have." He gave him a gentle nod. "And before you tell me that people like you aren’t capable of relationships, take a long look at Toad and tell me it isn’t possible."

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt appreciated what Nick was telling him, really he did, and he was grateful that Nick wasn't teasing him, but he was wrong.

"Yeah, well, tell that to my parents. Cause it didn't work out so well for them." There had been nothing but back biting and heartache during their divorce. Matt hadn't handled it well and he wasn't about to find out if he could. "And yeah, great for Toad. It's awesome that he found Archer, but I'm not going to do that. I know where it all ends and it'll just suck for everyone." Despite what Nick said, Matt was sure he'd just end up leaving Caleb. Just like his dad left his mom.

[ozoneofthe141-blog]

"Oh sure, Caleb’s attractive. But you seem to think that about most guys on the base. Yet… It’s only Caleb that seems to send you all doe eyed." Ozone smiled, trying his hardest to not sound teasing. He’d been in denial about his feelings before, hell it was often his natural state and so he could completely understand Raven’s unwillingness to admit them out loud. 

"Have you never considered that Caleb might look at you in the same way?" 

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Oh. Oh, no. This conversation couldn't possibly get worse. Okay, it probably could, but Matt was going to try his hardest not to let it get to that point.

He shrugged, but the movement was tight and forced. "So what if he does? I don't want a relationship." The word tasted sour on his tongue. "And I highly doubt Caleb wants a slam, bam, thank you ma'am. So it's a stale mate and it doesn't matter if I get doe eyed. Which I don't." His tone had gone from bitter to petulant at the end.

[ravenofthe141-archive]

[I really want Matt to fess up to his feelings for Caleb, but I also don't think that's going to go very well.]

[shadowofhermes]

Caleb chuckled lightly, bringing his free arm up to rest across his chest as he did. If he remained in this position too long he might fall asleep, but that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Smiling, he glanced over at Matt and kicked him lightly with the toe of his boot. “You’re not that popular.”

"I’m just starting to think you don’t enjoy my company." There was a hint of playfulness in his tone, but part of him seriously wondered if Matt was growing tired of having him around. "Anyway Matt, if you are trying to run me out with your music, it isn’t working. But if you don’t want me here I can leave."

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Caleb seemed to be getting more and more comfortable on his bed and Matt wasn't really sure how to feel about that. It was like every fantasy he'd ever had about Caleb come true, except that fantasies were a lot less scary than having it actually happening. "Well, we all know the Big Bad Wolf doesn't like me." He played a few random low notes. "But he doesn't count. So yes, I think I am pretty popular."

"What? No. Of course I enjoy having you around." Despite the stress having a crush on him brought, Matt truly did like being around Caleb. It was just a little nerve wracking being around him sometimes. "You're my best friend. If I was trying to run you out, you would know." He grinned slyly. "I'd be playing things like this." He started in on a very off key and scratchy rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

[shadowofhermes]

"Something to do." Caleb nodded thoughtfully, even as his words trailed off into a considering whisper. He could understand that. Not simply because he had grown to understand Matt, but because he didn’t like going long without busying himself either. "You know, I remember inviting you to do things with me several times. Seems like you’re always busy."

Caleb made his way across the room to Matt’s bed and laid back onto it, his arm automatically going to rest behind his head. He usually went to his own bed, but he didn’t think Matt would mind. “I’m not complaining, Matthew. I enjoy your music.”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt could never really decide if Caleb did things on purpose to drive him crazy or if it was just accidental. Having Caleb laid out on his bed was going to drive him insane either way, his mind supplying him with some innocent and not-so-innocent things he could do if he just crawled onto Caleb. But then he'd have to tell Caleb he liked him and then Caleb might want to be in a relationship and, ugh, even just the thought made him feel sick with anxiety.

He ran through a scale on the violin, more out of nervousness than any want to actually practice. "Well I am a pretty popular guy, you know," he said with a grin. He always tried to use deflection to keep the conversation away from why he didn't always do things with Caleb. "It's probably a good thing you like it since I'm your roommate and you're stuck with me," he teased.

[shadowofhermes]

Caleb didn’t normally return to his room after his morning workout. He usually found himself drawn to other places. To the woods surrounding the barracks or to the kitchen to grab something to eat. He liked open places, habit from a childhood of street living and moving from place to place.

But today he decided to head back early, and when he heard the faint sound of a violin echoing down the halls, he was glad he made this choice. Walking in that silent way he was known for, he followed the music directly to his and Matt’s room.

Matt was there playing, something Caleb hadn’t witnessed very often. It was a rare gift. After pressing the door open, he embraced the moment and leaned against the doorway, just watching. It was peaceful. He decided to interrupt after awhile. “Do you always play like this when I’m gone?”

[ravenofthe141-archive]

Matt startled at Caleb's voice, the bow pulling across the strings and making a noise that made Matt cringe. He took a breath, steadying himself, then turned to face his crush and roommate. He lowered the violin from his shoulder and pointed the bow accusingly at Caleb. "You are going to give me a heart attack someday."

He shrugged at Caleb's question. "Sometimes. Gives me something to do." It helped him forget the little (okay really huge) crush he had on his roommate. It kept his mind occupied in a way that nothing else really did.