$_$

im antony and i'm now just another fucking aucklander.

[slenderbends]

Thom Yorke

[redlipstickresurrected]

[the-psychonauts-life]

one hell of a bike ride

[pleoros]

Atacama desert by Mario Ruíz.

[villiago-deactivated20141112]

[steelviki]

[ravetroll]

Pressing down on me Skies that turn to grey Streetlamps fizzle out behind me

[ravetroll]

Can you hear the sound of your morale Slowly slipping away You don’t know if you can stay sober For another day You put the bottle down So you could pick her up She opened the door for you But you just slammed it shut And she knows, oh she knows Can you hear the sound of your sorrow Climbing up the stairs You know you can’t fight it off And you dont seem to care And she knows, oh she knows

[ravetroll]

I’ve been stuck in a place where I can’t get movin’ And every step seems to cost me three I get out of bed just to keep on losin’ and that’s no way to be I psyched you up to believe I’m changin’ More times than fit into memory All that I do is end up ragin’ and that’s a shame to see I’ve been stuck in a place where I’m so uncertain Of all but the love that grows in me I need you here every time I’m hurting and that’s so plain to see ‘cause I peeked in your door like a friendly shadow Just to slam it slam it shut when you’re asleep There’s so much more that I want to tell you But you don’t wanna hear it from me

[ravetroll]

I can’t deny that I thought it’d come There were things that I should have done But I was blinded by my pride Thought I could push it deep inside Thought it was enough to want to be better And that through that I could begin to get it together But I’ve done this too many times, and I know that I knew that doesn’t work ever I have to learn to speak with actions not words, And I wanna spread love and help all I’ve hurt So won’t you let me in, We were so happy before, I know it’ll work I wanna put down the bottle and pick you up And spin your hair in my hands like an empty cup In the cool of the summer shade, But if you don’t wanna I guess it’ll be okay “Can’t be that hard to find another, right?”

Well, she’d have to love cats just as much as you, And have a radiant smile and a big ass too, She’d have to steal a heart just like you, And no one can do that like you do She’d have to like SIouxsie, and Oasis And no one likes those bands, let’s face it While everyone is out there getting wasted We could talk the whole night through We could smoke a little weed and write some music Makin’ love to you could be therapeutic Like it used to be before In the cool shade of the summer. 

[ravetroll]

My lifelong torment

I’ve kept the darkest secret for years now. I keep it inside the confounds of my cranium for fear of being laughed at and outcast. I feel now as though I cannot go another waking moment without relinquishing this nasty shadow. Ever since I can remember I have longed to be a cat. A chubby little fluffy meowzer who lifts his snozzle at the scent of deli meats wafting on the breeze. Every day that I wake up in this human body feels like a life sentence to me. Sometimes I spend days in bed crying endlessly, staring longfully at walls and walls of reblogged cat posts and pictures. When will this mental cancer end? The only solace I can find is the the thought that when I die I may be reincarnated as a meow meow. Until then, I suffer in silence, awaiting a breakthrough in science, awaiting the day i can get felineplasty. 

[ravetroll]

After many years of 'not giving a shit what people thought', I had gradually become more self-aware, and this led to a massive shift mentally. I was always the one who had to be the centre of attention, I always ended up in trouble for doing something blatantly illegal or obnoxious. Now, I became withdrawn, unconfident, and desired not to be the centre of attention. I stopped playing guitar in front of my friends. In fact, there are still only a few people I can confidently play guitar in front of. I hate being watched doing anything by anyone.

Where before, I craved attention, I now averted all eye contact with strangers, and even my friends on many occassions. Today, for example, I was sitting with Courtney, when our mutual friend approached with a group of people I had not met. They were masculine: confident, well-dressed, smug.. "alpha". My level of discomfort peaked. They talked about fucking women and never speaking to them again. I wanted to tell them how disgusting I thought they were. They asked: 'what do you think bro?' I said, 'I wouldn't do it' and went back to staring at my phone. I stared intensely so as not to be introduced by or to anyone. When introductions were made, I was skipped. Phew. I said nothing for the entire 30 minute encounter, except 'seeya'. I deliberaty avoided eye contact and acted like I was too into my phone (I was staring at the home screen). 

Once this was over, I was perfectly comfortable again, with my two friends.

The entire day I had felt as though I could burst into tears any minute. I had failed to write my part of a group lab report before the due date and my group was frustrated. As I debated with Courtney the reasons why I had not finished it in time, I felt hot tears of frustration stinging my eyes. In our Analytical Chemistry lab, the manual asked for 6.3 mL of HCl to raise the pH of a saline solution to 1.0. I emptied three bottles into the solution and the pH barely moved. I wanted to run. My legs were mere miliseconds from directing me wordlessly out of the laboratory. Today, the 19th of May 2015, I spent my day wanting to run away, and avoid every situation I was in. I had been away from Central Auckland for 5 days, and missed 2 days of classes due to A) travelling to Wellington on the Friday and B) Being to exhausted and depressed to leave my bed on Monday. I felt disconnected, like I had stepped into a University halfway through a degree and had no prior knowledge of Chemistry or any of the people in my class. Had anyone died, moved, married since I had been gone? I did not recognise my friends.

I don't know the reason frustration was so hot on my heels on Tuesday 19 May. Over the previous weekend massive waves of paranoia and sadness washed over me constantly, though I was in the presence of my lover. I believe this was due to my lack of content with the situation, I had arrived 24 hours later than I intended and was dreading leaving my hometown and my lover. I think my fear of the future inhibits or restricts my enjoyment of the present. 

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. He will prescribe me some meds that are going to stop me constantly thinking about my imminent cardiac arrest or death and lift my mood to that of a happy person. I'm not very sure how you can feed me a pill and I'll be happy but they say my depression is chronic and even if all the wrongs in my life were righted I would probably still fear and hate most aspects of living on the Earth. So I guess I'll take the pills and hopefully become apathetic to all the injustice and suffering I feel and see around me do I really care about it or am I just saying this because I've fallen in love with being sad and need a reason to give people for why I feel so god damn shit all the time?

[ravetroll]

Eventually

If only there could be another way to do this Cause it feels like murder To put your heart through this I know I always said that I could never hurt you Well this is the very very last time I'm ever going to

But I know that I'll be happier And I know you will too Said, I know that I'll be happier And I know you will too Eventually Eventually Wish I could turn you back into a stranger Cause If I was never in your life You wouldn't have to change this But I know that I'll be happier And I know you will too Said, I know that I'll be happier And I know you will too Eventually Eventually And I know just what I've got to do And it's got to be soon Cause I know that I'll be happier And I know you will too

[ravetroll]

I’m on a writing buzz tonight.

I think my girlfriend is still a massive breath of fresh air. A breath I’m still inhaling. My girlfriend does not put up with my shit. My first serious girlfriend allowed me to bully, manipulate and walk all over her. There were no consequences. Yeah, she’d cry, but I got what I wanted. My second serious girlfriend threatened to walk out a million times but I’d chase her down the street and hold her and it would be okay. Except it wouldn’t, because she held grudges and resented me, though she loved me so. My current girlfriend is the strongest woman I know. Her last boyfriend tested her patience, and it didn’t take long for him to be cut away. So there’s that. She doesn’t put up with the people who are meant to love her making her unhappy. 

She is fighting illness that renders her bedridden for days at a time, and studying at university. I tell my girlfriend every single day that I am in awe of her. That I’m so very proud. I wonder if she thinks about during her day. When she’s at her low point I wonder if she remembers the message I sent her, or the hug I gave her. I always wonder if her heart swells up with pride when she thinks about me, like mine does for her. Though, I’ve done not nearly as much as her to warrant pride. 

I enjoy writing about my girlfriend because it’s easy. When I say ‘my girlfriend is intelligent’, or ‘my girlfriend is beautiful’, I mean it, and it’s not the qualities I want to see in her and have imagined in my head, rather, they are her true qualities. You should just watch her long blonde hair, observe the way her mouth moves, the things she says. The way she grabs my hand and holds it even when I was going for something else- a cigarette, or a stick of gum. Her hand is better. It fits snugly in mine- you should see her beautiful hands.

My girlfriend proves me wrong, consistently and often. Her intelligence outweighs mine by a large margin, and I find myself agreeing with her opinions even when I hadn’t formed one, or was leaning in the opposite directions. She is a logical, realistic person. I will often find myself annoyed and irritated at being proven wrong yet again, but upon reflection, find myself in admiration. My girlfriend is insanely intelligent, observant and insightful.

That’s not to say it’s a one-sided street. I have a girlfriend with whom I can have long discussions about a wide variety of subject matter. This makes for an entertaining, refreshing relationship, punctured by the odd disagreement- which are always shrugged off as nothing more than pettiness. We lay awake late into the night, as our conversations navigate the twisting streams that are subject changes, until eventually they end up with us discussing our relationship, the way we feel, and of course that leads into....

She is my lover. Even the most beautiful goddesses look in the mirror and are malcontent with what is reflected back at them. How a billion photons bouncing off a glass surface can alter our mindstate so... But her retinas must be incorrectly wired because she is flawless. Her stomach is flat, with a hint of abs to be felt underneath one’s palm. Her hips curve outward, her waist, inward. Her nipples are small and perky, and her tits fit delicately and softly into my hands, to be played with, kneaded, sucked. Her legs are slim, soft, smooth... the line of her neck renders me giddy with nerves and excitement. But despite my lust and sexual craze, and admiration, and appreciation, of my girlfriend’s beautiful body, her apex, her magnum opus, is her visage parfait

My girlfriend has the largest, bluest, deepest eyes I have ever seen. I have seen many pairs of eyes that could make a man fall in love, but framing is important. her brows are always shapely, elegant, and slightly dark, contrasting with the bright, dazzling blue. Her cheekbones jut out, forming dimples beneath them with frame a bright white smile. Her face is not rounded, not fat, it is slim, it has points. I run my thumbs over her cheeks, behind her ears, trace my index finger down her ‘club sandwich’ nose to a pair of luscious, sweet, fragant lips. Her teeth are perfectly straight, well-kept. Her hair flows like a waterfall over her smooth shoulders, I get lost in it’s scent, it’s comfort. I nuzzle her.

How could a girl so intelligent and beautiful be any more perfect? It so happens my girlfriend is funny as fuck. She is the FIRST funny girl I have dated, and I mean that with all sincerity. It is amazing, she is the silliest, craziest, most obnoxious lil shit I know, and I fucking love it. Obnoxious, yes. She knows it. She goes out of her way to give me shit and make sure I’m in check. She also happens to be really fucking nice to me. Like crazy nice. Always thinking about me, always complimenting me from ‘you’re so passionate’, to ‘your dick looks huge tonight’. 

God, I fucking love my girlfriend so much.

[ravetroll]

An open letter to present Ant, from future Ant.

 This is an attempt to help you see reason, from someone who knows more than you at this point. 

I like you, Ant. Present you doesn't like you, but if you follow my advice, future ant will always like you. You've been going through a tough time lately, your brain’s wiring is a little off and I think alot of it may be to do with your lifestyle. So let me give you a few pointers, and if you follow them, present you might be a little happier..

1) STOP fucking smoking. Are you an idiot? Every time you light up you freak out about cancer and heart attacks and I know alot of this is because you know - and it is true- that if you continue to smoke you will end up in an early grave. Not to mention alot of the stress that’s putting pressure on you is money related, and yet you continue to fork out $19.50 everytime you want a cigarette. Fuck that shit, future Ant is telling you, ditch the fags. You’ll feel better about your health, your wallet, and your appearance. 

2) Your girlfriend is right about a lot of things. You’re a good boyfriend most of the time, but don’t cop a fuckin’ attitude with that chick, she’s the best thing you’ve got. Everyone else knows it. She’ll ditch you if you deserve to be ditched, so do this one right. Don’t insult her, don’t be spiteful. She loves you, she cares about you. If there’s one thing you shouldn’t be anxious or paranoid about, it’s Poppy. Of course it’s maddening watching you fuck yourself over and act like it’s not important to get help. You’d be mad too. And I know that too, cuz you get angry or irritated about alot of stupid things and that brings me to my third point:

3) Stop sweating the small stuff. Your mind is all muddled up, but just cuz your girlfriend went to bed early or $10 got taken outta your bank, it’s not the end of the world. Why do you look for reasons to get irritated? So you can justify your mental health issues? Don’t worry bro, you don’t needa justify them. Half the time there is no fucking reason. So why make it worse by bickering with your girl or skipping a class? 

4) You need a fuckin routine. Get up with your alarm, shower, make a tea, throw on some music and relax. Then go to fucking class - every class, and go to the lab and work on your project. God, you KNOW in your head that skipping class or getting no work done makes you more depressed. So pull the motivation out of your butt and get at least a little bit done, and you’ll feel better, and then you’ll have motivation to do more. Then, once you’re done with your day, make another tea, and skype your girlfriend or surf reddit. You do need to relax sometimes too. That’s okay! 5) Give yourself credit where it’s due. You’re intelligent, everybody you’ve ever met has said that. So why do you try time and time again to prove them wrong? Work hard! Make the most of your brain. And stop doing really dumb shit. Don’t cheat on your missus, don’t spend more than you can afford, don’t smoke crack in hotel rooms with hookers. God damn.

6) DON’T SPEND MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD. You need to budget. Wtf, your grocery bill should only come to $50.00 MAX and that leaves you with $70.00 to do what you want. Save some! Treat yourself to a poster! Stop buying fuckin cigarettes. You have done good with the not drinking, you’ve been drunk maybe ~2-3 times since you said that and that was a few months ago. I’m giving you credit where it’s due, too. Write a fuckin budget and a meal plan if you have to. You can’t eat pastas and fried rice on Tuesday and Wednesday and live off toast the rest of the week. That’s depressing.

When you’re working again (which you will be -right?!) you can buy the big stuff you want. For now, just buy little things to make you feel good. Clothes, posters, decorations, etc.

PACK lunches asshole, stop eating maccas, ugh maccas and smoking, I hate to think what my body is gonna be like if you keep eating kebabs and pizza and wasting your money on crap like that.

7) Go to the doctor. Poppy told you that for a reason. Get some councelling, get some meds. Make sure they know what you want and need.

8) Fucking study. Don’t flake this time, as you always do. You put in 1000% at the start and by the end you’re do tired. Do a little every day! an hour, 2? Don’t spend your whole first half of semester buried in notes and the second half asleep. Make a study plan, for the love of god, and the grades will come. They will probably come easier when you sort out alot of the other things above.

There’s alot you need to do to ensure that future ant can be happy and healthy. There are so many people in your life who want that for you. You know what you want, after all, future ant is just present ant pretending to be future ant.

Oh, and buy a fuckin jacket. Wellington’s gonna be cold.

[itwillfeedyourmind]

[ravetroll]

they got the structural formula for MDMA wrong in this pic.

[ravetroll]

christmas shopping

For my dear aunty, Foo Fighters, live in New York I know you like them And for my father, Sixteen years of my absence,  Like you gifted me Beautiful mother, A set of Japanese knives, To slit your wrists with For my grandparents A bottle that empties at death, (a fifth of vodka) My younger sisters, I hope you meet each other And become good friends My little brother, I'll give you nothing til you Go the fuck outside And to me, myself To forget all about her, A bag of cocaine