Borderline personality disorder and my day
Today : actual diary of my emotions today 5/5/18
1130 am still very anxious and tired as well as feeling helpless. No change at work. Yet. 30 minuets before I go in. Feel lethargic. Just want to sleep.
Cried around 130 pm.Terrified about work.
147 pm Tried to slash my arm, nothing sharp enough. Thought the blood might help me feel some relief. Decided to draw on my arm instead
217 pm feel insignificant and sad. Like I can’t do anything right .
Clawing at the wounds on my head
I’m scared to see My psych Scared he will suggest putting me back in the hospital. I can’t afford that. I can’t go through that again
300 pm Talked to dad. It helped a bit but I’m not sure he understands the magnitude of my fears.
344 pm tried to explain things to my new supervisor. As usual feel like I’m being judged and that she thinks I’m lying. So scared I’m going to lose my job. I want to scream. But I can’t.
355 cried again. Something is very wrong. I feel so broken. How can I function this way?
My general practitioner used the word paranoia when describing my fear. She is not wrong. Consuming groundless terror that simply takes over and runs rampant. And I’ll honestly unable to stop it...
540 customer disconnected I offered all the help I could why wasn’t it good enough? I’ll probably lose my job . Why is the fear so strong? I feel sick...too tired to cry please make it stop....
I’m not doing this for attention or sympathy.i don’t want to be noticed. I just want to do my job and go about my day quietly. But this monster keeps clawing its way out. Pain seeping through a thousand wounds making me want to bleed until it stops. Stabbing fear each time . Fresh, sharp. Brutal. I keep seeing myself torn apart by something like a shark. Just ripped to shreds and left to bleed. I read things about bpd and it says I’m over dramatic. I don’t mean to be. It just really hurts. What can I do?
600 I used a blood sugar lancet to make myself bleed. It’s not necessary to cut myself when medical sciences has given me such tools. Just a few drops but was it enough? I know it won’t stop the pain but even a temporary reprieve...I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to die. But I can’t seem to live either.
Rage flared up . I wanted to scream I’m still seething.
Rage. I want to scream. My head hurts from the pressure. I just want to crush something, hurt someone like I’m hurting. Let someone else feel this for once
I keep squeezing my left hand with my right in an effort to control the anger. I feel like my wrist might pop. And the voice in my head says “ would that be so bad?”
My head hurts too much I have to leave early. And suffer the anxiety about losing my job for absences
I can’t. I feel like I’m being ripped apart! What do I do? Where can I find peace?
I just broke. I can’t stop crying. I’m tired of being so afraid. Please make it stop
Called dad because Sister couldn’t stop me from crying. I keep thinking I’m a failure. My worth is bound upon my ability to pay bills. That’s all I am. I can’t see anything more. My hobbies and supposed talent waste more money than they make.
This was a bad day....please let tomorrow be better.
pixelskylines
izzy806
areudirty
stormborns
gummygunk
blakekathryn
