rawanduntethered

The goal isn't to be slober. The goal is to love yourself so much that you don't need to drink.

[rawanduntethered]

I’m half-way through day 8 and quite honestly, feel like crap. I’m miserable, I can barely get out of bed I’m so lethargic, I constantly feel like I’m going to cry, I feel fat and ugly and apologetic for my very existence, and I have the social skills of an underground naked mole rat (seriously, google those things - they’re terrifying!).

I took myself out for lunch today, thinking it might perk me up. Sitting at the window of this Japanese restaurant ordering salmon and tuna sushi, I suddenly thought “Some sake would be nice. I could just pretend I’m still at day 8 and nobody would need to know. It would make me feel happier.” I got as close as selecting the bottle on the iPad at my table, my finger hovering over the “Order Now” button.

Then I thought about it properly. Sure, I’d feel great for an hour, maybe two max. But then I’d feel guilty, I’d end up buying wine or cider on the way home, then I’d be lying to my family’s faces when they asked me how my day of not drinking went.

You know what the worst part would have been though? I would know. I KNOW alcohol doesn’t make me feel good about myself, my weight, my life, my self-esteem. The only way to feel happy – genuinely happy – is to ride this and go through whatever the hell I’m going through, then come out the other side. I may feel like everything really sucks a fat one right now, but those thoughts won’t last forever.

Man, it’s tough today though. I just want to shut the world out and sleep my way into tomorrow.

What do you guys do when you feel like that? Just deal with it, or do you have some coping mechanisms to perk yourselves up?

[rawanduntethered]

New tools

14 Feb 2020

For the past few days, I’ve tried things I’ve never tried before.

I’ve meditated to strange chanting. I’ve saved affirmations as wallpaper on my phone and checked them regularly. I’ve set alarm reminders to stop and breathe every hour. I’ve journaled my gratitude. I’ve drawn. I’ve had essential oil baths. I’ve held on tight to a string of beads when I've felt as though my insides are going to snap. I’ve leaned on the amazing people in various sober Facebook groups.

But the biggest thing of all is I HAVEN’T DRUNK ANY ALCOHOL. My biggest and baddest trigger is my trip home from work. I walk 20 minutes to my car, past a bottle shop. I drive 30 minutes past 3 bottle shops. And last night I had to pick my daughter up from circus. I had 30 minutes to kill, which would normally see me sculling wine or cider the whole time.

Last night, the angst I felt was so strong I swear I could see it manifested as a dark cloud in front of me. As I walked past the bottle shop I thought “Yup. I’m having an alcohol craving.” I clutched my string of beads tightly and moved my feet. As I drove past the bottle shops I thought “I’m having a craving for alcohol.” I listed out loud the sensations in my body. I surfed the feelings.

I got to the car park to collect my daughter and cried over my steering wheel. I yelled a bit. I collected my daughter and she gave me a big, warm, tender hug. She asked me how long I hadn’t had a drink for, then said she was proud of me. I made it through another day. I’m so grateful.