New tools
14 Feb 2020
For the past few days, I’ve tried things I’ve never tried before.
I’ve meditated to strange chanting. I’ve saved affirmations as wallpaper on my phone and checked them regularly. I’ve set alarm reminders to stop and breathe every hour. I’ve journaled my gratitude. I’ve drawn. I’ve had essential oil baths. I’ve held on tight to a string of beads when I've felt as though my insides are going to snap. I’ve leaned on the amazing people in various sober Facebook groups.
But the biggest thing of all is I HAVEN’T DRUNK ANY ALCOHOL. My biggest and baddest trigger is my trip home from work. I walk 20 minutes to my car, past a bottle shop. I drive 30 minutes past 3 bottle shops. And last night I had to pick my daughter up from circus. I had 30 minutes to kill, which would normally see me sculling wine or cider the whole time.
Last night, the angst I felt was so strong I swear I could see it manifested as a dark cloud in front of me. As I walked past the bottle shop I thought “Yup. I’m having an alcohol craving.” I clutched my string of beads tightly and moved my feet. As I drove past the bottle shops I thought “I’m having a craving for alcohol.” I listed out loud the sensations in my body. I surfed the feelings.
I got to the car park to collect my daughter and cried over my steering wheel. I yelled a bit. I collected my daughter and she gave me a big, warm, tender hug. She asked me how long I hadn’t had a drink for, then said she was proud of me. I made it through another day. I’m so grateful.
