Dreamer of Stars
[Little Witch Academia, Diakko, Slight Astronomy/Moon&Stars, Slight Mythology]
Diana wishes to be found.
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Well, tumblr deleted my last post of this so I guess I’m just gonna keep posting it until it stays put.
Hi everyone, this took so long to write but I’m really happy with how it turned out despite my days of agonizing pain. Please read it so that I’ll be motivated to write more because I really like this one and hope other people will too. (I really wish I was around when LWA popularity was at its peak lol but it is what it is)
Read it on FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13506038/1/Dreamer-of-Stars
Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23734732
Inspired by: Sleeping At Last (Venus), lots of fanart (mainly tonton), Diana (who makes me cry), and my girlfriend (who taught me the stars)
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The first time it happened, it felt natural. While it did catch her by surprise, the moment alone and euphoria that accompanied it didn’t allow any discomfort and questioning to break through. She wasn’t hesitant, nor did she think twice upon what was happening, but this moment alone was the key culprit to her restless agitation that would consume her in the many months to come.
As they gazed up at the stars, the dreamer buried deep inside her heart believed that if she were to reach out her arm, she would be able to take ahold of them, as if the stars and perhaps even the moon was for her to control. Their elevation into the atmosphere ruled over her imagination, and she knew mapping out each point of light pathed the way to the rest of the universe. It was breathtaking, and strangely felt personal, as if it was only a sight for them and them alone, and nobody for the rest of time would be able to recreate it.
The ground seemed so far away from where they stood. And with the return of the Shiny Rod into the night sky, the Big Dipper shone an even brighter light, enveloping them in its glow as if they were destined to be the bridge between space and earth.
The Shooting Star wobbled from its once stagnant position, and it was then that her fantasy of astronomy came to a halt. “Akko, be carefu-'' She didn’t get to finish her concern before the slender arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her in, and the chestnut haired girl buried her face into her shoulder.
Feeling a slight dampness of her clothes where the eyes of the other witch would be and the small sniffles against her ear, Diana only sighed, but smiled as she rested her head atop Akko’s, and her arms moved on their own to hold her back.
“Guess what?” The unnaturally soft voice muffled through her collar, and she couldn’t help but shiver from the sound. Was Akko always this capable of a gentle tone? And if so, why now?
“Hm?”
Akko removed herself from her shoulder, grinning wide through her tear-stained face as they stood so close that should she move any closer their noses would touch. Tears continued to fall from her brilliantly crimson eyes, enhancing her natural sparkle that Diana was sure another universe existed in her eyes alone. The contrast of red against the deep blue of the sky stole away her breath, and she waited for the dazzling smile to speak the words that she could not seem to find.
“We did it.”
It was three words, but Diana understood completely. Processing the events that had transpired until that very point took a little longer than expected, but who could blame them? Partaking in a battle that had nearly cost them their lives and the entire fate of the world and then winning was almost too much to believe. Perhaps where they stood was actually the afterlife? The two of them set to watch over from the heavens for the rest of eternity. Was that why everything felt surreal and dreamlike?
She could only nod in response, offering a smile in return from the relief and ecstasy that she could not describe. And they pressed their foreheads together, reveling in their victory and unmoving from each other’s hold as the Shooting Star began its careful and slow journey to return them to the ground.
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There had always been an unspoken barrier between her and the rest of the world, and she knew it. From the moment she was born, the expectation and weight of her heritage had been thrust upon her, and her fate had already been sealed to become what everyone destined her to be. That isn’t to say she resented her birth, far from it even. She was proud of her home and ancestors and aspired to continue to follow in what they believed, even aiming to become the greatest witch to excel where they had fallen.
This ambition and privilege of birthplace forced her into solitude, not in the literal sense of physicality, but rather many came to resent her, and those that didn’t kept a respectable distance away whether they meant to or not. Over time she came to learn that this was just the way it was and grew accustomed to think nothing of it. Only her mother had ever really touched her in form of affection, holding her close and kissing her head. But that was a long time ago, and perhaps her mother was just an abnormality.
When the Shooting Star had landed safely onto the floor, Akko was immediately tackled down by a giggling group of teenage witches that congratulated her on her achievement. Diana watched as Amanda locked Akko’s head into her arm, playfully ruffling her hair as Lotte and Sucy both clung onto Akko’s body. Jasminka picked them all up off the floor in a bear hug, and Constanze held on where she could as her short legs dangled in the air.
A ping of emotion wanted her to join, but she knew the moment wasn’t for her. Akko was the hero after all, and it wasn’t right to intrude where she didn’t belong. Instead she received a dutiful “Good work!” from Professor Ursula and Professor Croix who returned from whence they came, as the three of them stood and took in the excitement that radiated from the bubbling crowd before them.
That’s just the way things were.
If only Akko hadn’t done what she did in the sky, she could have moved on with her life the same way she had before, knowing no one would dare approach where they weren’t permitted. Curiously enough, she didn’t remember if she had ever prohibited anyone from approaching her in the first place. But now a faint ghost of where Akko had hugged her lingered on her body, and if she tried to erase it, it would only grow stronger. Memories of her mother appeared one after the other, and it was almost painful to remember a time she felt wanted, not for her status or abilities, but just for who she was.
When they all had returned to Luna Nova, her closest friends immediately ran up to her, tearful and blubbering in their words of praise and admiration. She waited and listened, thanking them for their compliments as modestly as she could. It was overwhelming how high of a pedestal they put her on, and her mind wandered to a timeline where they wouldn’t hesitate to tackle her down in a hug the same way Akko’s friends had tackled Akko down. With Akko’s hug still in her thoughts, a small part of her wanted to ask them for a hug, but perhaps that was betraying a boundary that they had set for their own comfort. Instead she stood there with a soft smile on her face, glancing as they instead excitedly clutched onto each other with each applause.
It was the same for anyone else she passed. Her classmates congratulated her in awe, staring as if she weren’t a student the same as them. Her professors respectfully nodded, singing praises of her being the ‘star of Luna Nova’ and of course she would be victorious because she was a Cavendish after all.
On the other hand, Akko was somehow being scolded for being reckless, but all in good nature as they congratulated her too. Many approached her, offering handshakes and hugs in thanks one after another. Even Professor Finnelan, Akko’s least favorite person and vice versa, very briefly patted her on the shoulder for a job well done.
Why didn’t anyone pat her on the shoulder?
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A few months had passed when it happened again. Everyone had finally settled down after the Noir Missile and class was back to the way it was before. She was on top of any class she took, as per usual, and everything was at peace as if the Noir Missile had never happened at all. This familiarity made it easy for her mind to return to the period where she had never yearned for touch, and all was as well as it should be.
“Diana!” Akko came rushing into their morning class of the day, clutching a now wrinkled piece of paper in her fist as she scanned for where Diana was sitting. It didn’t take her long as Diana always sat in the same seat anyway, but the moment she spotted her a bright smile appeared and she began her dash up the stairs.
Diana felt a slight increase of heart rate being the subject of Akko’s joy, and she watched the odd girl nearly trip over Barbara seated in her path. Offering a weak apology with uninterest, Akko ignored Barbara’s complaints as she shoved the paper into Diana’s face. Her finger pressed onto the corner of the paper where a red ink marking lay, the grade ‘B+’ written in bold.
Before she had the chance to speak, Akko instead spoke first in a rather loud voice, “You’re the best tutor ever!” and then immediately squeezed her into a hug so hard that it almost hurt. “Thank you!” And the hug was gone as quick as it came, as Akko bounced away to her own seat in high spirits yelling something about ‘seven p.m. again, okay?’ that she woozily nodded to.
Hannah and Barbara expressed the shock on their faces that she hid, and they turned around to start arguing with Akko about something she wasn’t listening to.
She just stared at her desk and the notebook she was writing on before Akko had interrupted her, unsure what language it was in as her ability to read disappeared. Her body felt like it was burning, and she knew the only way to make it stop was to be held again. But was there a way to naturally achieve that goal without forcing the other party into discomfort?
…
…Would Akko hug her again if she helped her pass another test…?
…
At seven pm she arrived with extra notes.
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Akko was weird.
There was no other way to describe it. She thought that the hugs were just Akko’s way of showing thanks, but it seemed Akko had no regard for social cues and her personal boundaries at all anymore. It wasn’t like Akko was too dumb to notice she was so close, but rather she just didn’t care in the first place. Perhaps Akko had come from an environment where it was normal to be close to everyone you know, then she really had no room to judge. But to her it was weird, and she couldn’t help but feel tense and awkward as Akko sat next to her.
It was dinner time and she was reading a book as normal days go, occasionally tuning in to Hannah and Barbara’s conversation as they sat across from her. Lazily feeding herself a small parfait offered for dessert, she felt relaxed in the ideal situation of her friend’s voices, a good book, and a sweet dessert. Perhaps this was her most favorite time of the day, and she zoned out into the story as her spoon hung down against her lips.
She was aware when Hannah and Barbara had abruptly stopped talking, but her tranquil mood kept her from switching into alert, and she continued reading without regard to the world outside her mind. Once the foreign lunch tray was placed directly next to her did she suddenly jump in surprise at the sound and tray in her field of vision, and her head turned to Akko simply digging into her dinner as if she belonged.
Her, Hannah, and Barbara just stared at their intruder who paid them no mind.
“Um. What are you doing here?” Hannah had spoken up first.
Akko blinked at her, confused, as she chewed her food. “What do you mean?”
Hannah and Barbara immediately twitched their eyebrows in annoyance at Akko playing dumb. “Go away.”
“Eh? You don’t own this table! I can sit wherever I want!”
“Well we don’t want you here! Go away!”
Akko completely ignored their orders, turning to Diana with a cute smile, “Whatcha reading?”
Diana looked up towards the table that Akko normally sat at with her friends in hope to receive some answers. Lotte caught her glance and pointed at Sucy, who in turn shrugged yet failed to hide a mysterious potion resting atop their table which contents burned through Akko’s seat like acid. Perhaps Akko was tired of the experiments for the day and decided to leave, and she turned back to Akko waiting for an answer and sighed as she removed the spoon from her mouth to speak, “It’s a collection of Roman mythology.”
“What?! No way! I thought you’d be reading something boring!” Piquing her interest, Akko leaned closer to read too, pressing her body against Diana’s arm as she ate.
“Akko. Go. Away.” Hannah and Barbara threatened, fire in their eyes as she continued to ignore them.
“Ehhh? But I’m hanging out with Diana…”
They all turned to Diana for approval, but she herself wasn’t sure what should be approved. Her body was tense, and she was in a mental battle against herself of whether she liked Akko touching her or not. As much as she desired the physical contact, would it not be better to ‘rip off the band-aid’ now than get used to the feeling and later mourn the loss again?
In preparation to shoo Akko away, she made the mistake of looking into the bright hopeful pools of crimson that threw her memories back to their intimacy in space, and she found her mouth unknowingly saying the words, “It’s fine.”
Thankfully, Hannah and Barbara respected her odd decision, shrugging amongst themselves as they eventually returned to their conversation from before.
In a panic for the rest of dinner, she and Akko read some more stories together without Akko ever moving from her arm. This was the longest anyone has ever touched her in years, and she held back a disappointed cry when the end of dinner was announced.
At least since then, very occasionally Akko would return to read whatever she was reading, and sometimes she hoped for days Sucy would play a prank that drove Akko to sit with her.
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“…and thus, due to the sun’s gravitational pull and its close proximity to Venus and Mercury, both of these planets show an instability in obtaining a moon of their own.”
Finished with her long speech of the moons of the solar system without so much of a sweat, she didn’t move from where she stood, knowing what to expect as her eyes stayed shut with her arms elegantly crossed behind her back. Her back was perfectly straight, and altogether she radiated the book definition of poise, intelligence, and grace. She listened to the applause that erupted in the rest of her classroom, aware that she had done well in her assignment after days of preparation. When she received her unsurprising grade from Professor Ursula, Diana respectfully curtseyed and headed back towards her seat where her proud friends awaited her.
They spoke in admiration of her words, going over what parts resonated with them the most. She could always count on the two for their feedback, and she gratefully thanked them for the analysis as she squeezed between the rows and took her seat. It was another day, another grade. It wasn’t so hard to continue her reputation in these times, and she was glad that nothing ever seemed to change. This was her life, and she had to get used to it.
Patiently waiting for Professor Ursula to look over a list of names to call the next person up to the board to speak, her mind wandered to a universe where her friends would take her by the hands and playfully tell her what went wrong with her speech, but they would all laugh at the statements that held no weight. And she would be able to hold their hands throughout the rest of class, smiling as the three of them listened to the essays to come.
“Psspsspsspsspss!”
Her ears twitched at the sound behind her that seemed to be calling for her attention as if she were a stray cat, wary of strangers and wishing to go on her way in the normal cat life she lived. As cats do to unfamiliar noises and surroundings, she turned around to the source with curiosity, seeing Akko awkwardly leaned halfway against the desk with an outstretched hand and her palm raised as if in motion to ‘stop.’
Diana raised an eyebrow at the hand, uncomfortable with the eager look Akko gave her as if expecting her to reciprocate something she didn’t know.
Akko gave a defeated sigh, motioning with her other hand to offer her wrist.
Diana complied with the command, interested in what Akko had planned as she carefully placed her wrist on Akko’s fingers. Akko quickly morphed her hand to take the same ‘stop’ command that she had and held it up for her as Akko slapped the now open palm with a grin.
“High five! You did good!”
Diana winced at the stinging pain in her hand that didn’t actually hurt but caught her by surprise and confused her. She was aware of the concept of ‘high-five’s’ and what events typically lead to such actions, but it wasn’t like she had ever done it herself. Blankly staring at her still raised hand, she snapped out of the trance while the lingering sense of touch stayed against her fingertips as Akko unexpectedly jumped at the sound of her name being called.
“Ah! Sorry, give me a second!” Akko rummaged through her bag, filing through a noisy mess of crumpled papers in agony. “It was here somewhere…!”
It was humorous how different they were. Akko was everything but the definition of poise, intelligence, and grace. Yet that’s what made her so endearing, and so… herself.
Diana smiled as Akko pulled out a small stack of papers stapled together at the corners, watching as Akko scurried out of her seat and apologized again for the delay at the center stage of the classroom.
Akko took a deep breath as she held her paper to her chest, almost as if it were an essay dear to her heart and unmeant to be heard by the masses of ears that awaited. But she gave a signature confident grin, not bothering to read from her assignment as she boldly proclaimed the words, “Today I’m going to tell you about the goddess of the Moon, Diana!”
And Diana knew Akko was truly talking about the actual mythological story of the Roman goddess Diana and then later the origin and stories of the names of the moons themselves, but the way Akko had started her speech and looked directly at her with her big crimson eyes full of wonder and excitement made her want to believe that perhaps the speech was dedicated specifically for her alone.
And she wondered when Akko had stolen her book on Roman mythology.
When Akko returned to her seat, an itch on her mind wanted to turn around and return the favor of a high-five for a job well done. But when she had moved an inch to offer, Akko was already being high fived by her peers and laughing at all the errors in her presentation in a loud friendly bubble that she would never be a part of.
Diana instead gently praised her with a few words, and that was the end of it.
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Unbeknownst to many people, Diana was a night owl.
She was aware of the normal sleeping hours she was supposed to partake in, but something about the nighttime was so alluring and drew her in. It was always quiet, and no one expected anything of her (other than to sleep), and she could enjoy her time alone by reading a book, drinking tea, analyzing the stars, or even studying to get ahead where she didn’t need to. It was easy for her to fall into an educational hole where new discoveries excited her and kept her awake, and she was free to be herself without any obligations.
This was not one of those nights.
A pillow rested atop her face, acting as a makeshift sleeping mask to block out the deep blue of the moon gently lighting up her vast dorm room. The night sky never bothered her before, but she was desperate to fall asleep and took out her frustrations on as many reasons as she could come up with. She could hear the same soft snores from her roommates that she had been listening to for hours, and she almost wanted to be annoyed at them for sleeping while she couldn’t. But that was silly, and she knew the fault was in herself.
Or perhaps it was Akko’s fault?
Silly, again. It was wrong to blame others for reasons they did not control. She groaned, moving the pillow to her chest to hold it, wishing that her beloved teddy bear was there with her to confide in.
Diana was homesick. But not in the traditional sense where she wished to sleep in her room at her manor. (Though, her bear was there, so perhaps that was what she wanted as well). Instead what she missed was being a child. Overjoyed by the thought of Shiny Chariot and ranting to her mother who was alive to listen and encourage her to chase her dreams. And her bear, who was her best friend, that, too, quietly listened to what she had to say and followed her wherever she needed to go. She missed her mother patting her head and tucking her hair behind her ears. She missed her mother gently kissing her forehead and carrying her despite the weak and sickly body she dealt with. She missed her mother embracing her and telling her that she loved her. She missed being loved.
To return to a place where she felt loved was her home. And as it turned out, for many years now, she did not have a home.
And it was Akko that continuously reminded her of this.
She desperately wished to be held again, and her mind and body ached from the selfish desire. It wasn’t like she was trying to hold anyone else, so why should they act where she could not? Her mind bounced back to Akko who did not have a care in the world, and she was sure that if she just opened her arms in invitation, Akko would not hesitate to jump in. But was it wrong to take advantage of Akko’s kindness? To use her for selfish gain?
Shaking her head at the despicable thoughts of using another person, Diana restlessly got up off her bed and put on a pair of slippers, shuffling her feet towards the exit of her room without so much of a squeak. What she needed was a glass of water to clear her mind, and hopefully by then she would be able to fall asleep.
Careful not to wake her roommates, Diana slipped out of the room into the hallways illuminated by the moon’s light beaming through the large windows of the school. She adored large windows that stood high overhead and made the plan to bask in the moonlight after she obtained her water.
Filling up a small glass in the kitchen, Diana silently made her way back to her room, taking careful sips as her eyes studied the night sky through the windows. Lately the stars had meant much more to her than they had before, and she found herself studying more astronomy than she expected. Astronomy specifically wasn’t in their curriculum, but it wasn’t difficult to be able to mix it in during the astrology class that she already dominated in. Nearing the turn towards her dorm, Diana stopped walking to stare up at the sky wondering if she should invest in a high-quality telescope.
No one could relate, but she severely missed being so close to space on a single broomstick, up high where nobody else could reach as if it were just her and Akko against the world. Only then had she ever felt so natural, like it was meant for the two of them to be one with the stars forevermore.
Gazing back down to remove herself from the fantastical dream, she held back the emotion that attempted to thrash its way out of her practiced hold, feeling the pain in her heart that she pressured to be still and disappear. Though, it wasn’t working as well as it had before with her desires only growing stronger with each passing day.
Caught up in her will to be calm, it was then that she had come to realize she hadn’t been alone. Outside in the balcony not too far in front of her was the familiar brown of the chestnut-haired witch who seemed to constantly be running through her mind however long she was awake. Akko stared up into space alongside her, a serious and thoughtful gaze on her face that Diana was sure that nobody else had seen before.
She could pretend she had never spotted her, but Diana felt drawn from the curiosity of what Akko could be thinking this late at night. Her aspirations to always learn more, even when it involved other people, moved her forward, and she found herself opening the doors that led out, wincing at the brisk cold of the air that stung against her once warm skin.
Akko had yet to notice her arrival, and from their closer proximity, Diana could capture the troubled and melancholy eyes that wavered as they tracked the stars. It wasn’t until a tear perfectly fell down Akko’s pale cheek that her worries kicked into overdrive, and she announced her presence with a stern “Akko.”
“D-Diana?!” Akko screamed from the surprise, jumping about a foot in the air as she furiously rubbed away her tears. Her awkward instinctual smile took over, and she rapidly sputtered out the words “I didn’t steal anything, I swear!” She emptied her pockets as if to prove her point, smiling meekly in hopes that Diana would believe her and let her off the hook.
Diana rolled her eyes as she walked closer, “If you had stolen something, then it would have been a dessert. And if it was a dessert, then you would have eaten it by now.”
Akko gulped at her expert deduction abilities, holding her hands up as if she were a criminal caught red handed. She was surprised to find that instead of a scolding, Diana instead handed her the glass of water and motioned her to drink.
“What’s wrong?” Diana asked, in a much softer tone than she had been using.
Akko took a moment to think, drinking sips of the water before frowning into the reflection of her and the moon above. She hadn’t expected the voice of concern from Diana, and she awkwardly shuffled her feet as her mind picked through the words in her head.
Diana gave her time to answer, walking to the edge of the balcony and looking back up. The stars were somehow brighter now that she was outside, and she wasn’t sure why she had never thought of it before to be outside when she needed to think.
“I’m just…” Akko started, anxiously rubbing her fingers against the smooth glass of the cup. She furrowed her eyebrows as she continued to stare at herself in the water, a thousand thoughts passing through her head and Diana unable to imagine any of them. “…lonely.”
“Lonely?” Diana tilted her head in confusion, hoping for clarification of what that meant. Akko was surrounded by many doting friends and professors, so she wasn’t sure in what way Akko could be lonely. It reminded her of the reason for her own restless night, and she resisted the urge to selfishly bring out what she wanted in response. It was Akko that needed comfort right now, not her.
Akko was visibly uncomfortable by the questioning, and Diana knew it was time to drop the subject. Though, Akko did apparently have the ability to talk just as she was about to, and Akko continued the conversation with, “Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough.”
“It’s not your fault. You’re only gaining your magic back after all-“
“It’s not that.” Akko was unwillingly crying again, doing her best to hold back her tears without a sound.
They fell, one after another, and Diana stayed silent. Her fingers twitched to move, wishing to test her theory and hold out her arms for an embrace, but that was extremely inappropriate in their situation, and she was still. Correctly understanding emotions was a subject she continued to have trouble in. There was no formula or correct answer that would solve everything, and she thought too hard on her actions and ended up missing the chances that would have been ‘correct’.
“I’m sorry.” Akko mumbled, and Diana wasn’t exactly sure why she was apologizing.
“It’s fine.”
But Akko was trembling, biting her tongue to avoid an explosion. She seemed to want to say something, to cry out or lash out, but Akko was seemingly trained in the art of masks as well, and she held it in.
Diana’s mind commanded herself to do something about it, but she resorted to the safest bet she could with her words and said, “You’re doing fine.”
But somehow, those were the wrong choice of words as a river of tears gushed out of Akko’s eyes in a steady stream, and Akko’s frustration seemed directed at her and only her. Rapid thoughts buzzed through her mind to try to make sense of what was happening, but all she knew was that she was the cause of this outburst and had to fix it.
Panicking as time passed, Diana’s anxiety soared high, and she only just wanted to hold her and be held as this was all too much to handle so late at night. She wanted to lay down now and be done with it. No more tears or miscommunication or confusion or fear of resentment.
Grabbing Akko’s hand, Diana marched back into the school towards her own dorm. Before opening the door, she shushed Akko to be quiet and snuck the both of them in, grateful that the snores of her teammates were the same as before, and brought them around her dividing bookcase towards her bed. She took the cup of water from Akko’s hand and placed it on her bedside table, motioning Akko to sit down despite the very confused look she was receiving.
Honestly, she didn’t know what she was doing. She just wanted to sleep and for Akko to stop being sad, and it was already too late to turn back anyway as Akko laid down despite not being told to. There was nothing wrong in comforting a friend in need, and she, too, needed comforting that this was the most viable answer.
Akko rested on her side, eyes closed and her tears slowing down to a stop. She almost seemed asleep, and Diana laid at the other side of the bed facing her, curiously watching her but closing her eyes as well. They laid an arm’s length away on Diana’s large bed, quietly resting and listening to each other’s soft breaths.
This was enough. She could imagine what it would be like to be held asleep from this point on and deal with it. And tomorrow would come as all days go, and that’s all there would be to it. Part of her imagined Akko as a cuddly person, and she inconsiderately wished it to come to reality. But that just wasn’t her life, and she knew it wouldn’t happen.
If only Akko agreed to the same terms and conditions.
Her eyes opened feeling the weight against her chest, Akko snuggled in close and clung onto her nightgown with tears still stained on her swollen eyes. But Akko was already fast asleep, calmly breathing and in the most peace Diana had ever seen her in. Perhaps Akko was just like this with everyone, and Diana let her be, closing her eyes and finding sleep to arrive much easier than it had before.
For the first time, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.
------------------------------------
“Say cheese!”
“Cheese.”
“I don’t get it!”
“Get what?”
“How are you not smiling while saying cheese? Say something funny then. Like ‘booty’.”
“No.”
Akko was glaring at her with her hands on her hips. They were in an open courtyard during a small gap between classes, and Akko had dragged her along into some scheme after noticing she ‘never smiled.’ For some reason, Akko started laughing at the word ‘booty’ that she had said herself. And during her fits of laughter, Akko stepped closer and reached out towards the corners of Diana’s mouth, weirdly massaging in circles, “You needa exercise those smile muscles!”
Diana raised an eyebrow as Akko messed with her face, internally enjoying the touch despite Akko pulling at her cheeks. “Smole mosclos?” She attempted, not realizing her mistake as Akko squished her face when she had tried to speak.
“Pff!” Akko held back her laugh.
Seeing the puffed-up cheeks on Akko’s face, Diana couldn’t help but crack a smile back.
And together they laughed, maybe not for the same reasons or in the same volume, but it felt as if it were them alone in the world and time had stopped to accommodate. Akko had thrown her arms around her neck, and they stood close as they continued giggling.
Akko’s laugh was a sound that she wished to be able to save for as long as she would live, and Diana hoped to continue being a part of Akko’s happiness. She knew she wasn’t as funny or relatable as any of their other classmates, but Akko kept coming back to her anyway to share the immense amount of joy that she held within her.
As Akko continued laughing, Diana took notice of the flush on Akko’s face, similar in color to the crimson of her eyes. Her heart raced at the sight, and she took advantage of the only person left in the world who did not hesitate to touch her and held her close. It was the first time she had done so on her own accord, and she wasn’t sure what had prompted her to do it, but both were frozen in surprise.
Before she could let go and apologize, Akko held her back, burying herself into the wavy locks of her blonde hair with a smile on her face.
And she continued smiling too.
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Perhaps Akko was spoiling her with all the affection she was receiving.
As time moved on, Akko seemingly grew more accustomed to making physical contact whenever she saw her. It wasn’t abnormal to be randomly tackled during the day into a hug no matter how far Akko spotted her anymore, and a small part of her expected it and waited just for that moment to come. Sometimes she’d even pretend to need to walk by one of Akko’s classrooms during passing period so that Akko could easily find her, and she could see the soft resting face instantly turn ecstatic once they made eye contact.
While it wasn’t every day that they hung out, and sometimes she was forced to agonize as day after day passed, many of their usual activities kept her spirits high enough until the next opportunity. They read books together, studied together, stargazed in the dead of night, braided and played with each other’s hair, high-fived (she was getting good at it!), fist…bumped? (this was a new one), hugged, laughed, cuddled, slept.
She was so used to these forms of intimacy now that her typical life plans made room for them, as if it was normal and just the way things were and always have been. It involved expecting Akko to fulfill the hole in her heart that craved to be touched.
And that’s precisely why it needed to stop.
Diana lay in her bed, staring blankly at the night sky with a long, exasperated sigh. It was another restless night, but one filled with thoughts she knew she needed to sort out for the near future. Her arm was outstretched against the rather empty mattress, not moved from its position for the last hour or so.
There would come the day that Akko could no longer keep up with her demands. The day Akko would leave her or realize her friends needed as much attention as she did. And then what? She could not get so used to the fleeting moments of affection like this, as it would only become her downfall once it disappeared for good.
Diana had tried to imagine hugging or holding hands with her own friends that same way she did with Akko, but unlike long before, it instead made her uncomfortable and she didn’t want it. She no longer cared to be touched by anyone that wasn’t Akko, and that was exactly the problem. Akko had unknowingly spoiled her!
Like a true villain, she had been using Akko for selfish gain when she knew it was wrong. And Akko, from the kindness of her heart, never thought once to wonder about her motives, smiling brightly as she always did.
How evil for her to take advantage of the sweet and innocent.
Yet she could not seem to stop. In fact, her egocentric mind only wanted more, and no matter what effort she made to refuse it, she could not stop. The selfish piece of her head was angered that Akko would dare leave her, yet she knew for a fact that Akko was never hers to keep.
Earning a migraine from the mental battle between good versus evil, Diana held onto her head with anguish, wishing to cry out in pain at how much she despised herself that night. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and there was a ringing in her ear that sounded louder with each second.
She could feel the small lump slither around in her blanket, but paid it no mind with the suffering that was too much to bear. When the small twitchy snout of a mouse poked out from under the covers, the beady red eyes followed and paused with anticipation and concern. On normal(?) days, Diana would make room on the bed when the mouse had visited her in the night, but this night she ignored it and partially hoped it would go away and leave her alone.
Transforming back into a human, Akko laid next to her in worry, carefully reaching towards the part of Diana’s forehead that pained her the most. And Diana let her, moving her own hands aside for Akko to gently caress the spot in hopes to soothe the troubles away.
Akko really was too kind to her, and Diana furrowed her eyebrows at how weak she was to temptation. Her eyes were still shut, and she could feel her breathing haphazardly increase in random intervals as her mind spiked in alarm and self-hatred.
But before the panic attack could reach any peak, Akko stretched upward, planting her lips between the furrowed eyebrows that promptly lost all tension they held in response.
Diana’s eyes were wide open then, but she could not see anything as Akko quickly moved up to hold her head against her chest. Listening to the heartbeat against her ear, Diana relaxed, and the pain was no more. She buried her face into the scent of the shirt she had grown familiar with, and could feel herself falling into sleep from the beat that matched her own.
Just one more night wouldn’t hurt.
But Akko needed to know the truth. And it was time to let her go.
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“Akko, I need to speak with you.”
“Okay, sure!”
She briskly made her way to the exit of the cafeteria, waiting at its doorway as Akko waved to her group of friends and bounced after her. The radiating, carefree smile never left Akko’s face, and with each step closer that she walked, Diana could feel the heavy burden against her heart. She nearly called off the meeting with an escaping ‘never mind,’ but successfully fought the screaming urge as she led Akko into the quietness of the hallway.
Out of coincidence, she had chosen a spot where the entirety of the full moon was visible from the window. Its light shining down exactly where they stood to face each other, as if it were a spotlight and they were the actors in a play.
Akko watched her with interest, staying silent as if to give her time to observe the stars, and she followed her gaze up. The difference between them was that while Akko’s smile grew bigger at the sight of the moon, Diana instead frowned as if the moon’s light was there to curse them, mocking them in its brilliance and edging her to speak.
Diana Cavendish. Serious. Composed. Intelligent. Quick-witted with a sharp tongue. All feared to cross in her path. She could turn down those who opposed her without an ounce of hesitance in the ice of her voice. With careful calculation, any conversation would turn in her favor.
Diana Cavendish. Cold. Distant. Reserved. Life was easy when her emotions were stagnant. She never had to think twice of whether her actions came from the head or from the heart. Logic and reasoning would always be her answer.
Then why now couldn’t she speak?
She could feel herself trembling. As they locked eyes, no words wished to exit her thoughts, and they just stood there. Why did Akko have to smile at her like that? Akko, who treated her with kindness and affection without regard for her title. Akko, whose smile would light up her day and enter her dreams for a brighter morning. Akko, who could easily get her to laugh even when there was nothing to laugh at. Akko, who wasn’t afraid to hold her, and be with her, and care for her. Akko, who reminded her of the stars and their glittering intensity throughout the night, and how she yearned to be in space again where she was at her happiest.
Akko, who would come to despise her should she learn the truth.
She had to let her go. She had to let her go. She had to let her go.
“Diana?”
And Diana felt a burn against her eyes that she hadn’t known its time of origin. She gingerly swiped against her cheek, staring in awe at the foreign tear that had escaped without her knowledge. But it didn’t end there. One after another the tears fell, and, as much as she tried, she could not control it. When had she started crying?
Akko was no longer smiling. Instead, Akko firmly took her hand and dragged her along through the maze of the corridors in a direction she did not know.
She couldn’t remember the last time she cried to this extent. This was ridiculous. To be nearly at the age of adulthood and be childishly crying over her own faults and inadequacies. And in front of Akko, of all people! Akko surely thought less of her after this mess, and her picture of perfection and elegance was now ruined. But did it matter? Akko was going to dislike her anyway, so what was the point?
Before she knew it, Akko had brought them outside of the school where her wet paths of tears now stung against the cold. But she was grateful for it, as her eyes dried from the air and no more tears fell. She stared at the floor as they walked, unsure where Akko was leading her, but uncaring as the outcome would only be the same.
They entered a field she was unfamiliar with, but her eyes stayed glued to the ground as if her shoes were somehow the most interesting thing in the world. She really was like a kid then, and she had to laugh at how silly it felt.
When the first flower appeared in her vision, she couldn’t help but marvel in its luminosity. It was a bright blue in color, and quite literally glowed from its magical roots that reminded her of the moonlight reflecting off the surface of water. Then another one appeared. And another. And another. Until she could no longer see her shoes as the flowers covered them with their abundance.
Eventually Akko had stopped, patiently waiting for her to look up. And when she did, she could only describe what she saw as otherworldly. As if Akko had somehow removed them from Earth and landed on a planet that was coated in every inch of its surface with the peculiar flowers. They stood in the middle of the field and were bathed in the blue hues of the mystical plants that the only other color in the night was the deep red of Akko’s eyes.
As much as she refused to admit it, she was a dreamer. And perhaps where they stood was instead the sky where they guided the world from above in their ethereal realm of flowers.
Akko sat her down in the field, plucking one of the flowers off the ground, and lightly blowing against its exposed head of seeds that easily broke way from the force to release the glowing bits of fluff into the nighttime breeze. They watched them dance and twirl in the air and fly away under the guidance of nature that took them high up until they were visible no more.
If where they stood was the sky, then perhaps these were the stars.
It felt like everything she wanted. To be in space where she believed she could control the stars with Akko by her side. This was a dream.
Spending their time taking turns blowing the magical dandelions, they sat in silence, never once uttering a single word. Akko waited for her to gather her thoughts, just enjoying the presence and having fun with the abundance of flowers that hardly dented in number despite however many they had picked.
When Diana released another cloud into the wind, she could only feel remorse. Like the fluffs that were now free from her actions, Akko must also be able to spread her wings and fly, and she knew what must be done. Loss was something she was all too familiar with. To give up something, whether people or dreams, was just the way her life had always been. Selfishly desiring never achieved anything, and she waited for the seeds to disappear in the air to declare, “I have a confession to make.”
And Akko stiffened in her seat, sitting straight with a red flush across her face as if she were ready. “You do?” She was listening rather intently, Diana could tell, so there was no backing down now.
Diana took a deep breath, trembling again as the thoughts of Akko’s hatred spilled back into her mind. But she knew it had to be done, and Akko was waiting. And she looked her fiercely in the eyes to put an end to the thoughts of escape.
“I have been using you.”
Akko froze, staring blankly from the words that she hadn’t expected to hear at all. Her confusion turned into disappointment and she actually looked offended.
This was it. Diana could not immediately speak with Akko looking at her that way, and she felt all her emotions bubble out at once like a weakened dam that had finally burst.
“Using… me?”
“Yes.” Her mind was melting down, and she wasn’t even sure what came out of her mouth anymore. “Ever since the Noir Missile, I found myself desperately lacking in human affection. Selfishly, I placed the burden on you to fulfill what I desired and continued to use you for my own satisfaction.” Akko would hate her. Akko would hate her. Akko would hate her. “Truthfully, I never planned for it to get this far, but now it seems I entirely depend on only you for this matter and cannot seem to stop.”
Akko was still staring at her, at least instead quizzically as opposed to frustration.
Diana ignored the buzzing in her mind, continuing her explanation in hope that Akko would understand. “As you may tell, this is an issue for when the day arrives that we must part. Unfortunately, there is an evil in my mind that wishes to keep you for myself until the end of time, and I often dream of being with you in space where the stars and the moon are within our grasps and nobody else can reach us. But with as big as a heart as yours, I’m aware that this is an exceedingly selfish request, and so I wish to release you from everything you have given me. Though, I do thank you for providing what may be the happiest days of my life, and I apologize for forcing you for so long to comply with my hopeless needs.” And she was finished and able to breathe.
Akko stared now as if she were an alien, or a fish out of water who had yet to understand anything about the world they lived in.
They sat there in a momentary silence, and Diana felt at ease now that it was over.
“Well that’s stupid.”
She glared at the unexpected insult to her speech. Akko didn’t understand her at all! And the audacity to name her concerns ‘stupid.’
Akko crossed her arms with an exasperated sigh, “Is there a record for ‘Worst Confessions Ever in the History of Ever?’ Because this one would definitely be up there in the top ten -no five.”
She couldn’t understand what Akko was saying. Was her confession not sound in its arguments and points to be understood? Did she not explicitly state the problem and provide a valid answer to fix it?
“Diana?” And Akko was smiling at her, her white teeth shining brightly in contrast to the blue of their setting.
She didn’t know how Akko could smile like that, but again her heart beat faster in response, and when Akko took her hands she knew that Akko hadn’t understood a single word she said. Yet she did not recoil at the touch, even when Akko scooted closer to be near. Did she have to explain again? Moving her mouth to speak, Akko instead used the ability to speak before her.
“It’s really okay! I won’t disappear.”
How odd, she hadn’t said anything about Akko disappearing. But she shut down any prospect of what Akko really meant, as she had done for the past few months. “Did you not hear what I said? I’m using you.”
“Diana.” Akko again ignored what she said with the smile ever growing bigger. “I also have a confession to make.”
And Akko pushed her down into the bed of flowers, still holding onto her hands as she laid on top. The dandelions exploded into the air upon impact, sprinkling the sky with the masses of glowing fluff that hovered where they stopped before beginning their slow descent down. Akko was crying through her smile, almost laughing even as if all of her worries were forever gone.
Diana was fascinated. With the makeshift stars that decorated Akko’s head, and large moon directly above to cast its light down onto them, it was like they were back on the Shooting Star high above the clouds where only they existed. How Akko was able to recreate her idolized scenario, she didn’t know, but she could feel the tears escaping her eyes again as for the first time her dream had become a reality.
And Akko delicately whispered the words, “I want to be with you.”
She was sure Akko could feel the rapid beat of her heart, and the red of their faces matched in color. Trying to find a way to reject what Akko meant, she didn’t get the chance to when Akko continued.
“You don’t have to deny it. Don’t be afraid that I’ll leave you, okay?” Akko pressed their foreheads together, snuggling close as proof she meant what she said.
Deny what? That she feared to be alone, left to fend for herself for years without affection? That once she was given the chance of happiness, she twisted it to avoid attachment in fear that history would repeat, and she would find herself back in solitary? That everything she ever came to love in her life had to be surrendered, no matter how much she desired to keep it?
That, perhaps, maybe, she had potentially fallen in love, and feared that for that reason alone she would lose everything, and with how broken she was already, she’d never be able to pick herself back up again?
That’s silly.
And yet she could not stop crying. In a battle between happiness and fear, she was unsure if Akko would truly keep her word. How long would Akko stay with her? What if Akko grew tired of tending to her needs? Did Akko even realize how much she loved her?
…Did Akko love her back?
As if Akko could read her mind, she leaned forward, gently pressing their lips together in a moment that felt like it lasted a lifetime.
And somehow, that was the answer to her problems, and Diana melted at the touch as a wave of bliss washed away her anxieties.
She almost let out a gasp when the kiss was over as quick as it came, glaring at the crimson-eyed witch for breaking off her peace and elation so suddenly.
"You know, Diana? You're – and you know this means a lot coming from me – a bit of an idiot."
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You’re late. She thought, glaring hard at the rodent apologetically clasping its hands together in plea. Letting out an annoyed sigh, Diana moved aside on the bed to make room, still pouting when said rodent transformed back to normal.
Akko sheepishly smiled at the harsh look, opening her arms and wiggling her fingers in invitation.
Taking the bait, Diana buried herself into Akko’s chest, relaxing as Akko ran her fingers through her hair and all was forgiven.
She never thought that this would become her normal life. How almost a year ago she believed that she had everything sorted out until the day she would eventually die, and she would be proud if only to have served her purpose in the world. How she didn’t have time to dawdle in these so called ‘emotions,’ as they did nothing but burden her goals and ambitions, forcing her to dream and desire the unrealistic that taunted her from the distance that she could never reach.
But as she listened to the steady drum against her ear, she had to wonder if maybe at least one of her dreams really did come true. That, after all these years, she deserved to be selfish and take what she wanted. That she deserved to be happy as herself, as Akko didn’t expect anything of her other than to return the love she held in her heart.
Attempting to bury her face deeper into the scent of the shirt, she listened with joy as Akko giggled at the ticklish action, and peeked up to meet the big, round eyes that seemed to sparkle whenever they made contact. No matter however many times they looked at each other, she could feel the fluttering inside her chest that wished to stare forever. How the crimson depths of Akko’s eyes told many stories and held a universe of their own, and how she dearly wished to live in the cosmos of that existence for eternity.
Oh, how quick red was to shoot up in her most favorite of colors.
Diana, as she was beginning to admit, was a dreamer. She was an astronomer and Akko was the constellation she had spent her life researching to find, only to realize Akko was instead the universe she was helpless in. Or perhaps it had been her who was a billion tiny pieces, finally pulled together into focus as if astronomy in reverse.
And it was Akko who had discovered her.
And when they pressed their foreheads together once more, she was no longer afraid to admit that she had found her home.
