Azalin’s Guide to being a Warlock Patron
The relationship between a Patron and their Warlock can be quite fulfilling, as long as you rein in their emotion and bratty tendencies. Though, I recommend seeking out the right ‘fit’ for your style when selecting a Warlock, here are a few tips that apply, in general:
1. Learn modern slang so you can say things such as “simp” and “stans”. These things are different and you should attempt to understand them as, unfortunately, “Comprehend Language” treats these terms as “Common”. If they refer to you as “Blorbo” that is apparently a good thing.
2. Helicopter-patroning is a valid form of patroning.
3. Don’t want to commit to more than one Warlock but have a very important task in mind for your favorite one? Clone them and gift them with a pair of bracers that store their memories. That way you can just put them in a new body when they die and they will serve you forever! And who wouldn’t want to serve you forever?
4. If your Warlock asks if you’re a God, you say yes.
5. Expect nothing less than absolute devotion from your Warlock.
6. Make sure your contract is unnecessarily long, repetitive, and boring so they won’t actually read it.
7. When attending a Patron Convention, make sure to put your Warlock on a leash, you don’t want to get them confused with someone else’s Warlock! That happened to Vecna and I once, it was very embarrassing!
8. If your Warlock tells you they love you, respond by awkwardly patting them on the head and giving them a biscuit then say, “I know.”
9. Warlock Nagging you for more spells? Give them some copper and tell them to see a Star War.
10. Keep your Warlock happy! You know what they say: Happy Warlock uh wife? Happy unlife!
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