I'm sitting here, watching the rain rustle the golden leaves free. Watching them fall like so many fallen stars. I'm glad it's not sunny today. I don't think I could bear it in light of the news that's shaken the B-T fandom.
My feelings have been echoed already by so many. Grief, sadness, shock, devastation, heartbreak. Gratitude for what was while lamenting what can no longer be.
Like Imai said on his Instagram, you know this day will come but . . . you never imagine it will be so soon.
I've been mulling over what to write, what to say. But what can I say? He was so much to so many.
For me, Sakurai was the light at the end of a dark tunnel. He was color in a world of grey. A songbird. A steady hand when I felt myself crumbling . . . a kind heart when my own felt fragmented, and a compassionate ear, listening to my sorrows with patience when I fumbled through trying to make sense of anything.
His words have comforted me, inspired me.
My heart feels his loss like I've lost a part of myself. There's a hollowness now, an ache that cannot be diminished. His voice awoke something in me, the will to live really. It would be so easy now to say that with him gone, there's no point. No more purpose. The world is ashen. That's my grief talking. I know there's still a point because he existed, because he lived, and he shared his voice and stories with the world.
It hurts. But I made a promise, and I intend to keep it.
And when I see things that remind me of him I will say his name.
When I experience beauty, when I taste something delicious, when I savor a good glass of wine, when I look at the moon, when I smell the rain, when the snow falls just so . . . I will think of him, and I will smile, and I will say, "Isn't this beautiful, Acchan? It's for you."
And I will feel a little less lonely in my heart knowing that he is free now. He can be anywhere. He can be with all of us. He can be the rain, he can sing with the wind.
He can dance with the stars, and he can be reunited with those he's loved and lost.
As we will be with him one day again.
But not yet. I have a promise to keep.
My love is for always.
💙💙💙
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