juan did not expect the conversation to take this turn. he wants to feel hurt. he is, yes, he’s hurt– hearing that he shouldn’t expect a holiday card from a very nice family hurts and he’ll admit that any day. juan has always envied those families, which is why it only hurts more to hear that this mission, his second recruitment of rokin, inflicted pain on that family.
it’s his first time hearing about rokin’s illness. he had been meaning to ask for some time why it was that rokin traveled– what was he looking for, where was he trying to get ? he understands now, though. his eyes only lower because it’s hard to look at rokin and not feel guilty about what he’s telling him. juan knows trauma. he knows that you don’t walk away from difficult experiences, not really. physically, yes, but the encounters stay with you even if you’d rather forget them.
rokin is part of his crew, though. juan is supposed to expect this. he’s supposed to expect difficult things and deal with them head-on. he casts a glance at his own hurt but it’s rokin’s hurt that matters, the one he wishes he’d be able to help with but knows there’s not much he can do. after it’s all said and done, juan brought rokin back into this.
“ well, i won’t, ” the frown is evident on his lips and his tone is discouraged but there’s an understanding there. after a long pause, a long drink, he speaks again, “ i’m glad you tell me this. you know, it’s not, uh, easy to respond to– but i hear you. i hear you and i’m sorry. i am. ”
rokin knew his fears were unhealthy. that life was borrowed and there will have to come a day when he’s returned to the dirt from where he came. but he’s really, really trying not to have that be soon. he’s run from it for a very long time. being forced to put himself in harms way is less than ideal.
but fact is, he made this choice. he made this choice because he was asked to. “don’t feel sorry.” he says softly. “you’re not the one i’m doing this for. hell, you weren’t even the one to convince me.” he sighs, twisting the straw between his fingers. “my family knows it, too. they’re not thrilled, and they know that this could be the one and only selfless thing i decide to do but if it all works out, maybe it’ll be worth it.” maybe he wont go home alone. maybe that dream he decided to chase the last couple years will come into reality. all he wants is someone there who can look at his desk and take interest. who can sit across from him and listen to him tell stories, cook the many things he’s made, watch over all the kids in the family. this whole thing, it made him realize how good it was to just stay home.
“your pity is the last thing i need.” he leans back, grabbing his drink. “and it doesn’t pair well with my margarita.”
