This image is not mine - I took a screenshot from Song’s instagram and then cropped it etc. So all credit goes to him! :)
After I finished OCN Black, I was a complete wreck. I cried all the way through the last five episodes and for about two weeks after, I cried on and off and actually got really depressed over it. I fell in love with Black and Ha-Ram and 007, etc… Just all of them made me feel so many things after feeling dulled emotions for months at a time. So, in thanks to the wonderful cast and crew and also the characters, I poured all the heartbreak and love I felt and still feel into this oneshot. Everything I wanted to see happen is in here. I would highly recommend watching this show (Netflix) but it was very long - 18 episodes, all of which are 90 minutes long. But so worth it!
Also, to set the scene, listen to Black and Ha-Ram’s song, Like A Film. I pretty much had it on repeat while I wrote this and just could not stop crying.
Okay, so. Here’s my “I love you” and “thank you” to Ha-Ram and Black! I hope you enjoy this and I hope they would, too. I also put in my little “I love you” to 007, he’s my favourite and I would marry him. Let me know what you think, it took about a week to write and perfect this! <3
WARNING: THIS WILL SPOIL THE SHOW FOR ANYONE WHO HASN’T SEEN IT.
Italics = taken from the show.
Hey I’ve been with no one
Days are gone
Without you
Day it’s been lonely I know
Going on
Without you
It’s like a film of our old days
And when I see your face
fades away
Days like when things are right
The moments of ours replay
Since you’ve been gone
I have been standing alone
All day
Since you’ve been gone
I have been wishing for days
All day
Hey I’ve been here for long
Without you
All alone
Days it’s been many when I’m
Without you
All alone
Just one of those
Stories of days
My dreams behind the clouds
Empty I feel
Sorry I say
No one knows
Since you’ve been gone
I have been standing alone
All day
Since you’ve been gone
I have been wishing for days
All day
Will days come back
- Like a Film – Leesa (Part 2 of OCN Black’s soundtrack).
The last thing Black remembered was walking past 007, his eyes shining with tears, his jaw set as afraid and determined, he walked towards his fate; which was, it turned out, to have never existed in the Human World in the first place, thereby reversing everything so that, even without him, Ha-Ram could have a happy, normal life. When next he came to, it seemed like just a blink later, he was standing on unknown ground, the world white all around him. He was cold, his body numb, paralysed with some kind of emotion he had never felt before. It felt like sadness but it was heavier, dragging his soul down beyond where it had ever been before. He was drowning in his emotions, an ice cold hand wrapped around his heart, constraining, tightening…
“Black.” A disembodied voice growled, the authority clear even without a body, forcibly yanking him out of the murkiness that lay within him. “As a reward for your noble sacrifice, your soul in the Underworld has been granted clear passage into the afterlife with Kang Ha-Ram. You will be the one to take her there, as was destined in her original life. She will remember everything upon Death. Goodbye, 444.” The voice faded out and Black, sick with giddiness and confusion, was left standing on a country lane in his usual outfit, looking at Ha-Ram. He was ecstatic to see that she had aged just as she wanted to, the lines in her face deeply set as she welcomed her family into her home with a wide but tired smile.
Loser had stayed with Ha-Ram her entire life, then, just as he promised. Black made a note to thank him if ever they met in the afterlife; from the look of his physical body, he didn’t have much longer left either. Black could see Ha-Ram but she couldn’t see him and that made his heart hurt more than when he had found out who he really was. Hot and heavy tears sprung to his eyes once again and dripped down his face and he bowed his head against the weight of his grief, which sat firmly on his shoulders. He stood there all day, alone, watching Ha-Ram’s family flit around the house in celebration of the strange human celebration they called Hallowe'en, wanting so desperately to just say her name aloud, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk anything going wrong. He had to wait, after everything, he still had to be patient and watch his dreams walk past him, an arms-length away but untouchable. Ha-Ram had to forget until the moment of her death and only then, only then, could their days filled with love come back. As he stood there, waiting just as he always had, and only for her, he allowed himself to cry, to feel. He allowed himself to yearn for all the lost moments, for all the moments that now, if the Leader of the Death Squad could be believed, was his for the taking. Though he wanted the time to pass quickly so that he could reunited with his childhood love, with his first love, he wanted the hours to crawl past, so that Ha-Ram could live as long as she possibly could. He had wanted nothing but the best for her and now that she had it, he both wanted her to be immortal but also to die soon, so that he could just see her. It was a conflicting, odd feeling, and he didn’t like it. It wasn’t happiness and it wasn’t sadness, but something thick that coated his heart and soul.
Lost in his thoughts, time passed quickly and before he knew it, night had fallen and Ha-Ram was sat outside mere feet from him, a box in one hand and a more than familiar red string bracelet in her other hand. He watched as her entire face crumpled and she began sobbing, not speaking but lips trembling. He knew that his name was on her lips in this moment, as everything came rushing back to her. Unbeknown to her, Black and Ha-Ram were outside together all night, separated by a thin veil but soon to be reunited with a promise, both mourning the loss of the other. Black knew what was to come but Ha-Ram had no idea and that broke his heart all over again. If only he could let her know with a touch, a word, something that said he had never really left. Though his body had perished in their original life, his soul had lingered on, in limbo, waiting for her to die so that at last, they could be together again. He watched as her tears slowed and dried, though there were certainly more to come, and she gazed up at the sky, her face visibly becoming more and more dazed the closer she got to her time. Black was sure that Ha-Ram knew that she was to die soon; she now remembered so why else would her lifelong friend Leo have given her this bracelet? Finally, her eyes closed for the last time, her lungs expanded and deflated for the last time, and Kang Ha-Ram died peacefully at the age of eighty, just as she had told him that she wanted a stolen lifetime ago.
At last, at long last, there she was right before him, and Black allowed himself a small smile as he looked down at her. She looked sad, so sad, and he wanted to just hold her and never let her go.
“I’m sorry for remembering only now.” She was truly regretful, he could see, and though he could comfort her later, for now he could only ask one question. Her answer was all that mattered now.
“Have you been well?” He knew the answer, he knew, but he needed to hear her say it.
“Yes.” She nodded solemnly. “I have been well.”
Black smiled again. “Have you been happy?”
Ha-Ram nodded again, still sad, “Yes. I was.” She looked up at him, then. “I was very happy.”
Black smiled then, for real, though it was fleeting. “I’m happy to hear that.” His voice was rough with emotion he couldn’t express yet.
He watched with fondness on his face as Ha-Ram reached forward and tied his bracelet around his wrist, holding his hand for just a few seconds longer. She felt just as he remembered and he felt grief once more seize his heart. Would happiness ever be his? With tears in her eyes and on her face, she asked the question they both knew the answer to. “Did you come to pick me up?”
He nodded, eyes closing against the reality of what was happening. He held that same hand out to her, palm up, and Ha-Ram hesitated for only a millisecond before sliding her hand into his. He squeezed, smiling with his eyes and said softly, “Let’s go.”
As Ha-Ram’s fingers curled around Black’s, she felt the rightness of the afterlife that lay before her seep into her weary bones, replenishing what natural age had robbed her of, and making her feel revitalised. Despite being happy for the life that Black had sacrificed himself for, she swore there and then that in death, with Black, she had never been happier. Her widening smile caused one to grow on Black’s face too, and as he tugged her gently forward so they could start walking into their afterlife, she stood fast, not moving despite his impressive strength. Some of the Grim Reaper he had been was still within him. He was still the man she remembered and loved with every fibre of her being.
Black turned to her with a frown on his eternally youthful face. “What is it? Ha-Ram?” He looked confused but also sad. Did he truly believe that she would deny both of them what was already theirs? Ha-Ram eased her hand from his and reached up to cup his face. She kissed him gently and he froze, just like he had when they were alive. Her lips pressed urgently against his, like he was her air… Perhaps he was. As he pressed back, their first proper kiss, she pulled away with a small sad smile and began walking, her hand once again in his.
Neither of them spoke as they walked. There would be all the time in the world for words, but later. As they walked, Black and Ha-Ram shared watery smiles, hand squeezes and quick kisses, unwilling to take their eyes off each other for even a moment. The sky was a crisp blue and as they walked and artificial time passed, the sky gave their surroundings a warm orange glow. Ha-Ram rested her head on Black’s upper arm and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She choked on a quiet sob and he rubbed a few circles into the fleshy part of her palm with his thumb. “Not here.” Ha-Ram swallowed thickly and nodded bravely as she always did and fought against the tidal wave of emotion, most of it unidentifiable in its intensity.
The lane curved and up ahead was her old apartment. Behind them, the lane faded into white fog. There was no going back now, only forward. They reached her steps and climbed them, some part of Ha-Ram knowing to dip her hand into her pocket and withdraw the cool silver key; inserting it into the lock and letting them both in. Everything looked just as it did in her original life, including the defaced limited edition Leo poster. She choked on a hard lump of tears in her throat and her Black, her Joon, led her over to the bed. He sat down and pulled her by the grip he still had on her hand until she was standing between his legs. He leaned forward and rested his head against her stomach and the two stood there, lightly holding each other.
Here, like this, safe in their final destination and alone, Black finally, finally, allowed himself to cry, to let everything go. The two held each other for an indeterminate amount of time, still not having the words for what needed to be said. All they could do for each other was to be there in the moment and stay within the embrace, using touch just as they did in their original life to reassure and comfort the other. There would be no leaving now, no need to take care, no need for reluctant goodbyes that left both of them unsatisfied, because they had no need to leave the other. This was their afterlife, their reward for all the hardship that occurred before Black had sacrificed himself. As Black’s own tears dripped onto his black turtle-neck, Ha-Ram’s tears dripped into his hair. They cried for themselves, for each other, for those left behind, and for everyone and everything who had ever been affected by Ha-Ram’s parent’s accident in the original world. Black pulled himself together faster; he’d already had his time to mourn. He was deeply saddened and relieved in equal measures and he knew Ha-Ram would be feeling much the same.
“I’m sorry I didn’t remember until now…” She trailed off and slid a hand up to his cheek.
“I wanted you to be happy in life without me.” Black bit his lip against the new wave of tears; he was so sick of crying but he’d been unfeeling for so long that indulging in his sadness and happiness alike felt like the only thing to do now. Neither of them were sure who moved first or if it was a mutual unspoken decision, but their lips met again, first light pressure that was barely there and then something snapped within Black and all his usual restraint disappeared. He slid a hand down to the small of her back and pressed Ha-Ram into him, kissing her deeply, fiercely, seizing the side of her face with his other hand. She leaned down, her hair framing their faces like soft brown curtains, and Black pulled her down easily, shifting so that she was atop him. The kiss slowed and then stopped naturally. Everything between them had always been natural.
Ha-Ram’s tears fell on Black’s face and mingled with his own. “Do you remember the night you came to say goodbye and I told you that I liked you for you?”
Black nodded, his dark brown eyes smiling for his lips. “Aa.”
“Well,” Ha-Ram brushed his hair back from his face. “I was wrong. I didn’t know it would be the last -” She broke off, biting her lip. Then, raising her eyes to his, she swallowed and said, “I should have said that I loved you. That I love you.”
Black made a strange noise in the back of his throat and through his tears, eyes stinging so much he could hardly see her, said, “I love you too.” All at once, that crushing weight was lifting off his shoulders and he felt the final piece of him left behind in the Underworld click into place; now, he was wholly hers and she was his.
Ha-Ram rested her head against his chest and his arms came up to hold her easily. She could feel his heartbeat through his clothes but she felt a sudden intense urge to feel his heartbeat against her own. She sat up, pushing herself to the side, and slipped a hand under his blazer, taking it off. He watched her with careful eyes, wondering what the tightness in his chest was. She became nearly frantic with getting his clothes off and he stilled her movements by holding her hands in his own. His hands were warm and strong against her smaller ones and she sobbed, clutching his hands like a lifeline. Keeping one hand in her two, Black shed his turtle-neck and vest awkwardly but at last, his chest was bare before her. Ha-Ram pushed him down and then leaned over to listen to his heart. She breathed in shakily and pressed a kiss to where his heart was.
“Thank you. I… You… Thank you.”
And there it was. His beautiful Ha-Ram had at last run out of words. All that needed to be said had been said between the two of them and now they could make up for what they had missed their entire lives. All those wasted opportunities, missed chances, incomplete sentences, all the times they had needed to breathe after a huge event but reality hadn’t allowed them a break… All the times he had physically died for her and then come back, all the times they had almost said what had been unspoken, all the times she’d cried for him, because of him… All the times he had saved her and she had saved him right back before his final sacrifice… It was all for the other. Neither could live without the other; she had jumped from the same cliff he had on the day they both died in their original life. All the nearlys, all the almosts, all the coulds and the woulds, the shoulds and the what ifs… They had time now to explore and to discover. All they had was time to think, to feel, to blossom into what they had already been. Neither of them would ever have to stand alone all day again, wishing for their days to come back. Their days were here now and they were in abundance.
Ha-Ram once more raised herself up to peer down at him and pressed her lips to his again. He let her – there had never been anything he would deny her – and took the opportunity to kiss her back, his tongue delving into her mouth, tasting her. They sank into each other’s touch, hands tracing veins and feeling warm skin, their upper bodies pressed so tightly together that they could almost feel each other’s heartbeats, which were both beating out wild tattoos against their ribcages. Though their mouths separated when the instinctive but now unnecessary need for air became apparent, they never left each other and so their lips and tongues learned what their hands already had. More clothes were shed and soon, so softly and sweetly, they were one in every sense of the word, her white clothes mingling with his black ones on the floor; the perfect Yin and Yang. Everything Ha-Ram needed, everything she yearned for, Black was, and everything he had been denied, everything that he had denied himself in the end, she was.
Though Time had made Ha-Ram forget her original life, Time had also made her remember. Time was all they had left. Emotionally and physically exhausted but not wanting it to be over, in case one awoke to find the other gone, Ha-Ram and Black lay side by side on her bed, their hands joined. They didn’t speak, the time for that was over, but dark brown eyes looked into hazel and let their hitched breaths, watery smiles and tender kisses do the talking for them. The occasional whisper was all they needed.
Somewhere in the Underworld, the oldest and weariest Grim Reaper, alive since the Joseon Dynasty or maybe even before that, for no one could say for certain, 007, felt a deep sense of peace and happiness overcome him, though he had forgotten the reason for it. The thought, be at peace now, old friend, settled into his bones and the man allowed a single tear to slide down his cheek, confused at his sudden emotion but knowing that it was right, too. Then, with a shaky hand and a muttered, “sentimental fool”, he composed himself and went to prepare himself for the human world; there were always many souls to reap and even more Korean dramas to watch. If he was lucky, he could catch the next episode of his current favourite before he had to escort his next soul to the afterlife.
Though the rest of the world had forgotten about Kim Joon and Kang Ha-Ram, Time remembered and it had given them a beautiful new beginning. Their days had come back and no force on Heaven, Hell or Earth could ever take them away again.
Thank you, Black, Ha-Ram, 416 and 007 for reminding me what it means to be a human. I hope that these words somehow reach you. Thank you.
If you feel like crying even more, then watch Song Heung Heon singing I love you and think of Ha-Ram and Black while you read the lyrics because goodness me, I did that after watching Black and made my sadness much, much worse. Thank you for reading my verbalised heartbreak! <33333
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