I've really struggled with depression since I was 17-18 - I'm now 22 and it's just as much of a problem. People tend to like me, but I really struggle to form strong connections. Even my closest friends seem to feel a lot more strongly about me than I do about them, which makes me feel awful. My self-esteem and confidence are horrendous, almost the complete opposite of how I was when I was younger. I don't really try anything new because I'm terrified of failing - this includes properly interacting with new people. Even things I'm genuinely passionate about don't really get much effort, because I can't move beyond a sort of apathy even for them.
I've tried medication + therapy, but I didn't really engage with either, which was my own fault but still meant I got little benefit from them. During the first half of lockdown I really felt like my mental health was improving. I was living with two friends who I got a lot closer to, I started to have a stronger sense of who I am, and I was much more productive with my time. I stopped wasting days playing games or lying in bed, started reading more, exercising, going out more. I was replying to people's messages more & I think I'd outgrown a lot of dumb shit I used to do.
I moved into a new house at the end of summer for the new term of university and it all really went downhill. I've always been pretty into drugs, but since the end of summer they've become a crutch for me in a way that hasn't happened before. I smoke weed a couple times a week at least, and while I never get high alone this just means I look for excuses to go see people and get high. I rarely hang out with people sober - I find it much harder. All the progress I made feels like its gone - I don't exercise, my house is really messy (although that isn't just me), I'm really far behind on my work and my free time is spent messing around with friends or on my computer. I feel more depressed than I think I ever have. I'm not actively suicidal but I've begun to really romanticise death. I really idealise the concept of dying as a martyr for a cause, which I know is unhealthy (as well as pretentious lol).
I recently started going to therapy again, on a private online service. My therapist has told me that it sounds like I could have ADD or ADHD (probably the former). Her reasoning behind this seems pretty sound to me - a lot of my behaviours now make a lot more sense to me, both in the past and now. I'm not really sure why, but I'm really bugging out about this. Getting diagnosed at 22 makes me feel like my life up to this point has been wasted. I'm not really sure if its the sole source of my depression, but I'm pretty certain its one of them. I almost feel like I've missed the life I could have had by finding this so late, as well as by being so depressed during what should be the best time of my life. Sometimes I worry that I've missed everything a 'normal' person would have done during this period, and that that will hamper me for the rest of my life. I feel so distant from my family and friends, and I have no idea how to fix that - I really wish I wasn't.
Where I live, it takes a couple of months at the least to get an official assessment and therefore medication. That was before the pandemic, and I assume waiting times are longer now as they are with other NHS services. I guess I'm just posting this looking for advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation, especially other people diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as a young adult. I want to make more out of my life, and finally start enjoying it, but the hurdle feels so insurmountable.
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