I am going to reflect on this past year, since I only have a couple hours left to do so. I wish to take the positive and move forward into the new decade, while leaving behind the weight of failure, heartbreak and pointless efforts that filled my 2019.
Professionally, I was able to build the strength and move on from a place that I knew I needed to leave. Connect to a whole different dimension and find myself, my failures and the people who would push me past those setbacks. I found peace in a place that I had previously passed up and solitude in people that I never knew would give me such happiness. The beings that now fill my life, from the few old ones that I have been blessed to know since high school, to the new ones that accompany me every day in Sherman, to the surprising souls that I found in Frisco ensure that I know my worth, something that the vacant voids they filled haunted me. Additionally, I have changed my path so slightly for the future, but I know that through the insight that I gained this year, this change was necessary to ensure a more prosperous tomorrow. Overall, I found that joy is a accumulation of little accomplishments, little decisions and little steps. If you continue on the same path, you won’t be able to grow as a working person. This year I grew.
Personally, I hurt a lot and I hurt others. Period. I started the year experiencing a blessing in disguise and let go of someone who I will always be thankful for. Your family, your spirit and the love you gave was something that created light in a dark time for me and even though we don’t talk, I will always be there for you. I am sorry, and will not take that hate with me into the new year with me. If I cross your path down the road, just know I will not allow myself to belittle you like I did. I am sorry. To my second love from the past year, that I was stupid enough to carry into my 2019. Im sorry. I loved you like no one has ever loved and the experience you brought, was fundamental. Fundamentally fluid. Fundamentally joyous. Fundamental love. He was a light I never expected and those few weeks stayed with me throughout this year. While I won’t be able to let those days go, I will have to store them farther back in my memory, to allow space for more days to change me the same ways he did. Her and He. As a result of this height, throughout this year I jumped from person to person for the same euphoria. I found a mother that I loved, with two boys and whose two boys are blessed to see her face. I found two struggling college hopefuls that I snuck around to see. One hurt me, but I realized the beauty in pain from him. I found a manager who couldn’t manage her own views to allow me into her life. I found a successful businesswomen, whose past sins held her back and ultimately held me back as well. I found a promising love and like all other people are destined to experience, she didn’t love me back, but it was a night though and this night was the love.
While I am not done yet and have changed only slightly, I have found another person and do feel different. Trust and comfort in a way I haven’t felt in a while, but ultimately still searching for the thing that continues to avoid me. Love. Not love from family, because that has always been a staple in my life, nor love from friends, because I have acquired that. Love from kin.
While this next year, I am focused on business. On myself and the future that awaits for me. God has given me chances on chances to make an impact in this world and this year may be the biggest opportunity yet. I am going to get closer to Him and find more parts of myself that I have never found, and others that I didn’t know were lost. Most of all, I am going to welcome love into my life as a stranger, instead as someone I think I know, because we never really know love. It just sneaks up on us and surprises us and we never can identify it. 2020 may be the year that an old flame comes back, or this new person changes my world forever, how a single night may mean the rest of my life or just another opportunity to grow. As for these hurt feelings, I forgive you, me and everyone involved. They diminish now. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but nothing, no one and no where is lost. I am becoming who I was meant to become.
