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@realhogwartsquotes
*glass shatters from kitchen, Hufflepuff runs in*
Hufflepuff: Oh my god are you okay? What happened?
Slytherin: IF SAFE FOR OVEN WHY NOT SAFE FOR STOVE?!?!
Hufflepuff: ...Why?...
Slytherin: For... science
Hufflepuff: Sly you are pretty and smart and I love you very much, but you’re a dumbass
Ravenclaw: Hey how cold is it outside?
Gryffindor: Let me check, oh it’s real cold
Ravenclaw: Like real real cold?
Gryffindor: Like get fucked cold
Ravenclaw: Noted
*Slytherin and Ravenclaw talking, Hufflepuff approaches*
Hufflepuff: Hey guys-
Slytherin: Yeah this is an A and B conversation you can C yourself out
Ravenclaw: Yeah this conversation is so many shades of not for you
Hufflepuff: Oh...
Slytherin: Wait Puff isn’t it your birthday?
Hufflepuff: Yeah... it is but it’s okay
Slytherin and Ravenclaw: SHIT!!!! WE WERE KIDDING!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hufflepuff: TOO LITTLE TOO LATE GUYS!!!!
Gryffindor: You’ve been singing a lot recently
Slytherin: Life is already a god damn horror show might as well turn it into a musical
Ravenclaw: Wait... did you just take cold meds with beer?
Gryffindor: I don’t make good life choices
Hufflepuff: Yesterday I took my adderall with redbull
Gryffindor: Hold up, forget me let’s focus on that for a second!
Ravenclaw: You’re both going to die!!!
Slytherin: *Holds back and allows car to pull in ahead of them*
Hufflepuff: You’re being really nice today, that’s like the 4th random act of kindness in the past hour
Slytherin: Sometimes I just feel like being nice, I’m not always a bitch
Hufflepuff: Yesterday some guy cut you off and you screamed you would eat the soul of his first born
Slytherin: And I stand by that
Ravenclaw: Jesus Christ not only do you have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon but you have the reading level of one too!!
*Hufflepuff drags Slytherin to store*
Slytherin: UGH what are we even doing here? I’m bored already can I sit in the cart?
Hufflepuff: Well I wasn’t going to get one but since you asked so nicely, alright
Slytherin: Wait... really?
Hufflepuff: (grabs cart and forcefully pats inside) get in motherfucker!
Ravenclaw: I’m pretty sure my patronus would be a book
Hufflepuff: That’s just such a funny image to see a blue spectral book flapping around a dementor
Ravenclaw: It would be funnier if it was stopping it with the power of knowledge
Slytherin: Or smacking the dementor around the head repeatedly
Gryffindor: There are three kinds of people
Gryffindor: I got 99 problems but - wait let me check *checks phone*.... oh no....
Slytherin: Let me guess you have 100 problems now?
Gryffindor: Yeah...
Ravenclaw: Hey you cold?
Hufflepuff: No I’m fine, why do you ask?
Ravenclaw: Well you’re all curled up?
Hufflepuff: Oh that’s just a comfort thing
Ravenclaw: And your hoods up?
Hufflepuff: Sometimes you just want to be a angsty bean
Ravenclaw: And you’re like shivering?
Hufflepuff: Oh no, see when you have ADD and anxiety sometimes you just fucking vibrate!!
Slytherin: Do you ever feel like “I’m at work but I’d rather be at home” and then you go home and you’re like “I’m bored I want to be doing something” so you go out and do something but then you’re like “I’m overwhelmed I would rather be home” so you go home and go to bed and wake up the next day and repeat but you’re never truly happy?
Hufflepuff: Yeah that’s called depression
Slytherin: Oh...FUCK!
Hufflepuff: Agreed
Gryffindor: (drunkenly) I need another drink
Ravenclaw: Maybe you should drink some aqua
Gryffindor: I don’t speak Spanish aqua is vodka!
Ravenclaw: If you’re sleepy and you know it clap your hands
All: *clap clap*
Ravenclaw: that’s it, too tired to continue the song
Slytherin: Fuck past me, I’m gonna invent a time machine to go back in time and kick past me’s ass
Ravenclaw: What did past you do?
Slytherin: Dumped all my clean laundry in my bed and didn’t fold it and then thought “future me’s gonna be real mad when they wanna go to bed”
Gryffindor: What the hell are cucumber and dill sandwiches?
Slytherin: They’re like tea sandwiches
Gryffindor: ... tea sandwiches?
Slytherin: Yeah like the kind you’d have at a tea party.... they’re actually pretty tasty
Gryffindor: ...
Slytherin: .... I’m very white...
Gryffindor: You’re not just white you’re VERY white
Slytherin: I used to preform in antique fashion shows as a kid too we can make fun of that if you want
Gryffindor: I’m learning so much about you and it’s not painting a pretty picture
Ravenclaw: I was expecting a sensible chuckle and instead I got racism!