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Today's Document
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Not today Justin
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@realisationsofa21yearold
I got really overwhelmed at work today and went to my senior for help because I couldn't understand how to handle the situation. Now I feel really guilty and embarassed about the whole thing.
I keep reassuring myself that stuff like that happens, but what if I made a mistake somewhere? What if I was rude to someone without realising it?? I feel so lost.
I am fking up so nicely at work that I just want to quit. I keep dragging my feet and I feel like there's no motivation to keep going. But I won't get a certificate if I don't complete 6 months. Atp, this is a prison of my own making.
Watching this kdrama that I thought was a very sweet and cute romance but turns out the FL has DID and I am just not mentally equipped rn to watch a series like that.
Like, the weight of an illness like that changes the whole equation. Why is the onus on the ML to help her out.
What's bugging me out even more is that she's an actress but her manager thinks she likes to pretend to be her alter ego for funsies every once in a while and doesn't actually realise she is suffering from a disorder.
In other news, I really need recommendations for a cute romance kdrama in which the ML is a green forest.
I'VE GOT A DATE TOMORROW?!? I JUST HOPE I CAN ACTUALLY TALK AND I DONT MESS UP SO BADLY THAT I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE
I didn't go.
I feel like crying. A week ago, I had an internship offer from a big agency (that I have worked at and is in decline) for a role that only offered one thing I was looking for. Then came an offer from a different agency for a role that combined the two things I was looking for. This agency is not as big as the first, but it is growing and in a slightly different category (which means different experience). I took the second offer as I thought I would get to learn different things and moreover, it was a role that was exactly what I was looking for.
But it's not. This new role is not at all what I was looking for. The JD I was sent by HR was completely wrong and I didn't realise I should confirm it with my would-be manager. Now I've burnt bridges with the big agency and ended up in a role I want to get out of. Moreover, I have no idea how I should explain this fuckery to a prospective employer. I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach.
I'VE GOT A DATE TOMORROW?!? I JUST HOPE I CAN ACTUALLY TALK AND I DONT MESS UP SO BADLY THAT I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE
Work hurts mentally too..I always thought the difficulty of the process is overshadowed and erased by the results. But no, my mind is still reeling from the pressure I put it under yesterday. I forced it to work.
Realising I like forceful kissing on a family movie night is not how I imagined finding out about my fantasies would be
One of the major reasons why I am so scared of dating is because I am scared I will become obsessive and toxic like the way I did with my 7th grade crush. I swore I would never become that person ever again, especially after I realised I was mirroring my mom's behaviour.
I am currently working with a coffee mug that has a lid beside me and no one knows it doesnt have coffee but orange juice in it. Hehe. So I charismatically sip it every once in a while without wincing and I feel so powerful. Like I can. Conquer anything. Hehe.
My favorite part of this job might be getting random ideas while overhearing the different conversations in the office
Slipped up in my work for the first time today and it's when my manager is working from home because her mom's foot is broken. Why do I mess up so horribly when I do mess up. Almost resigned on the spot. Had a good cry in the washroom and came back. The problem is, I am simultaneously feeling guilty and also not. UGH.
I only feel alive if I am doing something which really excites something in me, be it a sudoku, an RPG, copywriting, painting by numbers, or just organizing my closet. The problem is it keeps changing from time to time like the fking passcodes of a top secret intelligence device. I can never know WHEN I might lose interest in something, nevermind what else will give me the same excitement and make me fking alive. So 80% of my time, I keep trying out different things, as if having a console in front of you and long pressing each button one by one to see what works. But the button which worked may suddenly deactivate and it will never work to the same extent even if reactivated. And that, is the reason why I doomscroll so much, because I am always chasing that mental energy high and the dopamine shot scrolling through social media gives you is enough to tide me over enough to not feel like I want my life to end as it is meaningless.
P.S. what tf should I do
Turned up to the office with a stinky sandal but someone else's shoe was already smelling so they sprayed a horrible air freshener all around the office and basically I am set for the day
Reading some of my old texts with a classmate I had beef with and I was so dramatic. Like wth. I was so insufferable. It hasn't even been 3 years and I am already judging the old me.
(I'm gonna show you) how it's done, done, done
Sucks that we have to keep pushing life to continue as it is..almost as if the default is death. Why?
