sparsile

he/they - an adult - CPTSD-DID

[really-really-trying]

I am putting this blog on semi-hiatus. If you know my main, I'll still be posting there. I've been in super denial about my DID lately and I'm going to try to work on it, but I don't like having to hide it away on a sideblog.

[vikingfunerals]

the commodification of friendship is the most annoying thing to come out of the internet in ages. like actually i love to break this to you but you're supposed to help your friends move even if it's hard work. or stay up with them when they're sad even if you're gonna lose sleep. you're supposed to listen to their fears and sorrows even if it means your own mind takes on a little bit of that weight. that's how you know that you care. they will drive you to the airport and then you will make them soup when they're sick. you're supposed to make small sacrifices for them and they are supposed to do that for you. and there's actually gonna be rough patches for both of you where the balance will be uneven and you will still be friends and it will not be unhealthy and they will not be abusive. life is not meant to be an endless prioritization of our own comfort if it was we would literally never get anywhere ever. jesus.

[really-really-trying]

I know I've been neglecting this blog.

I have tried to almost be open about DID on my main blog, but it's still way too stigmatized I think. I was called "insane" jokingly by some mutual who broke the mutualship, and we'd been tumblr mutuals for years. Feels bad, but their loss.

I have been feeling more accepting toward my own multiplicity. And recognizing that even though trauma has broken me into parts it doesn't have to be scary or upsetting all the time.

The biggest thing for me right now is hiding it. I don't want anyone IRL to know about it, except my therapist. I don't feel safe telling anyone else, except maybe a future partner, about it. There's just way too much stigma and I'm already stigmatized in other ways. Besides, half the time I am in denial about it anyway, then something tips me off again.

I'm still healing from so many things. It's ok to not be ok and it's ok to have alters and it doesn't make you weird or unworthy of love. I need to affirm that to myself. It doesn't make you scary.

[killy-deactivated20241228]

Having memory issues and holding grudges is a funny combination. I don’t forgive but I DO forget

[unwelcome-ozian]

[disabilitybitch]

Sure. I'll hop on this trend.

DID isn't just friends in your head.

While yes, I love my system like family and we have good times together, that doesn't mean that these good times are the whole experience.

DID is having alters that don't know how to express that they care about you due to never being cared about themself.

DID is having some alters who hate themselves so deeply that its hidden from who they are on the surface.

DID was having to do horrible shit just to keep yourself alive and now living with severe survivor's guilt.

DID is being more prone to migraines.

DID is remembering a life no one else seems to remember.

DID is not remembering the current life you're living.

DID is having some alters who don't know how to cope with their trauma so they bury themselves in drugs.

DID is having some alters who don't know how to keep living. Genuinely thinking they'd be dead by now.

DID is being naturally selfish and mean because its what you had to be to survive.

DID is being a clueless child within your own mind, unsure why your friends break down and sob for no apparent reason.

DID is being excluded and punished for trying to simply exist with other people.

DID is not only not recognizing your own body, but not recognizing your own species.

DID is thinking you've got all the trauma figured out only for more to resurface.

No one should WANT DID. If you want DID... no you don't. You want a community. You don't want to live like this. I live like this because I have to. It was necessary for me to survive.

[pastel-hazey-dreams]

[theoptia]

Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980; February 20th, 1970

Text ID: All pain enrages. Why am I not in contact with my anger? What do I feel? Depression. But that means I am “depressing” another emotion. Despair, then. But despair is a conclusion one draws from a history of pain (it’s happening again).

[saintsebastiensbf]

there’s a special kind of grief you feel towards yourself when you’ve been mentally ill for as long as you remember. you see ppl saying they long to return to their old self but you don’t have an old self, or if there was, you can’t remember it. ur “old self” was a child. this self is all you’ve ever known. then there’s the fear that comes with trying to find out who you are without your mental illnesses, it’s all new to you and you don’t know if you’ll like who you’ll be

[really-really-trying]

me learning firsthand about the inner headspace like ohhh. you don't notice that you're in it when you're in it and I had been in it. for a long time.

[feral-ballad]

Baek Sehee, tr. by Anton Hur, from I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

[Text ID: “The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.”]

[pusheen]

[heavensghost]

Richard Kadrey

[bdamani]

“the only reason you made me soft and tender was so you could sink your teeth into me and tear me apart more easily.”

— B. Damani || The Monsters Lying On Your Bed Are Scarier Than The Ones Under It

[egberts]

[whalesharkpasta]

Cause theyre similar even numbers are all solid and blunt and odd numbers are all sharp except 5 which is like round which isnt the SAME as even numbers but its closer and its not sharp which would be bad

[birdofmay]

Synaesthesia talk:

Huh, 5 is extremely sharp and red, and red is a very very sharp colour. 55 is a terrible number because it's extremely red because there are two 5s at once, and the more 5s, the more red.

So 5 is kind of ok, 55 is annoyingly reddish sharp, 555 is even sharper, and I don't dare to continue because at some point there's so much sharp red, I'd accidentally cut my finger or something ☝🏼😄

/end synaesthesia talk

[687687675765-deactivated2023011]

new years eve!!! wooo!!! go crazy go wild! 🥳🥳🥳

[bloodenjoyer]