I remember waking up the day that you died. I don’t remember how I found out; it must have been a text  from some friend but I don’t recall which one. But I remember it was the first thing I woke up to. I didn’t cry. All things considered, I had only known you for a heartbeat. I had no reason to.
Regardless, I didn’t think about anything else the rest of the week. I looked at old pictures of you, tried to match them up with your obituary, but for some reason something had changed between them.
I didn’t go to your funeral. All things considered I had only known you for a heartbeat. I had no reason to. And I knew it would be full of people I didn’t recognize, people I would never be able to properly conjur condolences for. Still, it’s one of my biggest regrets in life.Â
They did livestream it though, and I did watch that. I was right; I couldn’t recognize anyone through the blur, only the fuzzy silhouettes of people I almost knew.
I remember looking up at the sky and wondering if you were there. I didn’t feel God anywhere near me, but I knew you’d want to believe you were there, so I did.
I didn’t go back to the church, but I did say a prayer. I don’t know for what.Â
And then I sat, staring at the sky, looking for some sign of heaven. And I did cry. I knew nothing would be the same, that I had permanently changed.
I don’t know why. All things considered, I had only known you for a heartbeat. I had no reason to.
creating a new tumblr after all my old ones got banned where i keep all of the cringe i accumulated as a twelve year old but none of the ED shit is honestly the healthiest thing i’ve ever done. hell yeah girl, be insufferable and don’t feel like you have to atone for it
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