Undead Dreams

This whole blog started as a way to catalogue all of my zombie-related dreams. I used to have them all the time, but life has calmed down quite a bit since then, and now I'm using this as a space to write down any dreams I have. It’s been nonstop nightmares since 12/28/23, but who’s counting?

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I keep having dreams that I can only describe as sad

Last night I dreamed that I was still in college and my brother was, too. We kind of had this role reversal where he was just AWFUL to me (I was bad to him growing up) and nobody stopped him. It didn’t matter what I did. I got good grades and tried to be good, or I screamed and cried and got angry and it just didn’t matter. There were no consequences. It was revealed at the end that I also had cancer and nobody cared. I dreamed that my second boyfriend came to visit me in the hospital and he was just so happy to see me (We are long distance and see each other in person maybe once a year). By that point it felt so weird that anyone was even nice to me. I told him eventually we had to talk about the cancer thing, but he said he wanted to enjoy me in the moment. Then I woke up.

I had another dream where I was homeless but still trying to go to school. My ex also lived in this crappy apartment with her dad nearby, so sometimes I had shelter I guess, but she kept trying to do sexual things and I was really uncomfortable because I’m very ace and we broke up over two years ago. I’m on HRT and she found me while I was talking to two people and offered me my needle with the T in it and the people that I was with kind of recoiled a little because they thought that I was being offered hard drugs and as a homeless person, that’s not a good look. I also remember that I had all these papers and this tiny, maddeningly slow computer, and I found a dimly-lit corner outside to do my schoolwork. A man approached and asked if I thought that nobody cared about me because I was homeless. I remember being really sad about it because I knew there were people that would hate me just for being unhoused. Then I woke up.

I had a dream two nights ago that I met someone online and we spent ages connecting and building this huge, incredible, and intricate base. We even made “children” in the form of eggs. He had to log off and I waited and waited for him to come back so we could hatch the eggs together and he never did. I walked the halls all alone and the building eventually became old and decrepit and attracted other players and explorers, which I tried to avoid. I remembered that I had a small room of my own somewhere in the castle and went off to go find it. When I finally did, I peeked in the window and realized that it had been repurposed. It was now a little room for people to take phone calls. Nothing of mine remained. At this point the dream devolved into something unrelated, but the feelings of abandonment and lost hope stuck with me.

What a weird pair of nights…

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Probably TMI but I had a very vivid sex dream last night. As an asexual person, this is very strange and somewhat uncomfortable. And the cherry on top was that it was with my ex. The final time that we saw each other, we uh, tried to do it, but it didn’t work. She had performance issues if you know what I mean. But it certainly worked in my dream. Everyone left satisfied. But again, I am ace, and my brain isn’t exactly happy about this. It’s so weird…

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I had a nightmare last night (First one in a month) but luckily I don’t remember most of it. What I DO remember is that I got a package that I was really looking forward to (I ordered something on Etsy a few days ago irl) and my ex got ahold of it, ripped it open, and informed me of what was in the package. I was really disappointed and kind of angry and I expressed that to her and she was like, “Calm down, it’s not a big deal” and I informed her (Rather angrily) that it’s illegal to open and read someone else’s mail. I know this irl because I still get her mail and I definitely don’t open and read it

It’s almost funny that THIS is the part that I remember. Like, I’m pretty sure that my mom was there, and I THINK there were monsters at my window? But I don’t remember that well at all, even though that was probably the most important part of the nightmare. I think it’s because the ex part was the last thing that I dreamed before my alarm went off. Either way, I’m rather amused

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Ahh jinxed it. I had a nightmare that my ex moved back in with me, mixed with a dream featuring spiders the size of my fist, followed by a zombie nightmare that took place in a school. This was all in a single nap btw and contains my four least favorite subjects. My theory is that it happened because I forgot my evening Adderall. I’ll be better about this in the future

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My nightmares have essentially stopped since I was put back on Adderall a few weeks ago. Finally the curse has been lifted ;w;

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Nightmares about my ex tonight. I don’t remember all of the details but I do remember having to sleep on the floor without any blankets. I was so cold and my hips hurt. This echoes the fact that I would go sleep on the floor when I was mad at her, but I always had a bit of a cushion with a few blankets and a sleeping bag. Luckily some of that dream morphed into getting a spectacular harvest from my indoor tomato vines for once. That was kind of nice. My tomatoes have been dead for a while so it was cool to see them happy and healthy again

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Dreams I’ve had recently:

One where part of my tooth fell out but when I looked in the mirror I had teeth that looked like a hippo’s and honestly the part of the tooth that fell out just made that half of my face look a little more normal

One where I had to shave off all of my hair (I have a bright red Mohawk that I am extremely proud of, so I count that as a nightmare)

Several dreams about my mom actually being a nice person? You know, taking me places and giving me grocery money like I was a kid again (I’m 30 and Mom lives several states away irl)

Several nightmares about a horror game that I’ve been making myself play. SUCH a bad idea but I want to become less of a coward so…

And more!

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Welp. Today marks two full years of daily nightmares. Merry anniversary to me.

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I had a nightmare where my brother got frustrated and just punted my cat across the room. I was so fucking pissed about it and just started screaming at him. My dad refused to apply any punishment and that just made me scream at him more loudly. I remember being all screamed out and just mumbling that next time he tries anything like that, I’m calling the fucking police. Then I woke up.

I had another nightmare about being eaten by dinosaurs. This is a strangely common theme for me. I have like three or four of those dreams a year. This one was pretty standard, I guess? I was watching a T rex rip into a downed stegosaurus and then suddenly I was inside of the corpse basically waiting to be eaten with the rest of it because there was no way out. There was a lot of frantic screaming. I guess my mind really wanted to yell last night.

Edit: I also had a dream that my upcoming cardiologist appointment resulted in the news that I couldn’t get back on Adderall. It was bullshit.

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I had a fucking slenderman nightmare of all things. Just… WHY???

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Tonight’s nightmares included but are not limited to:

Eating sketchy food

My ex being dismissive about that phobia

Being rejected by a hot guy who was only pretending to be gay for the lolz

Losing all of my progress on a school assignment due in an hour (at least I remembered the time, location, and class 😒)

And eating worms

I did have a dream that I was driving a comically small vehicle, though. I’m talking like the size of one of the tiny forks that we have at home. It even manifested as a tiny fork (dream logic) and didn’t have a steering wheel. Due to its size, all I had to do was shift my weight. It accelerated wickedly slowly, so getting on the highway from this shitty intersection that we have irl was even more difficult than usual, but it was fun to be able to drive again, even though it looked funny.

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I had another zombie dream, but really only somewhat related. The highlights are:

My engagement ring fell off in a gravel parking lot and I couldn’t find it but I couldn’t look for long. I had to get to safety. Later I heard him bragging to his friends that it cost him basically nothing. I was crushed. By the way, I am not engaged

I finally got in a car with someone and he was telling me a long ass story that I could guess what the point was but he wouldn’t shut up (the point was that his cars GPS wouldn’t work because there was a zombie laying on his car). Eventually I got him to start driving but he was slow as hell but at LEAST he was running over some zombies

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I had a nightmare that my cat got out again and another school nightmare. It was one where I didn’t know which classes or when or even what classes I was taking to begin with. I just found a guidance counselor. I also dreamed that we caught another cat of mine, but had been dead for three years. It was nice to see her again

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I had a nightmare that my mom was trying to gently tell me that I should stop gardening because I suck at it. Sometimes the subject of my nightmares just comes out of nowhere but I know exactly where this one came from.

Firstly, I had a tomato vine that was about five years old and he died recently. I also wanted to move two of my plants to my closet garden (long story) but I found out that part of the reason that they were struggling was because they had a nasty infestation of mealy bugs. I always feel bad about that one. I should have caught it before it got this bad.

Secondly, my mom is coming up from SC so she can do Thanksgiving with us and the rest of her family. She’s extremely judgmental and not afraid to voice her opinion on things. I’m not sure that she would understand how much gardening means to me, even though I do kind of suck at it.

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I had another school nightmare except instead of a subject that I could blame on lack of studying, I was in an ART CLASS. The teacher was cruel and wouldn’t accept anything except realism or hyper-realism and would yell at you and chew you out if your art didn’t meet his standards. I have an art degree but it has been a long time since I actually did art and I know this has something to do with it

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Tonight’s nightmares were all about being in the dark and in pain with the inability to move. I had one where my dad took me and my brother to a sketchy building on Main Street and was like, “Okay, I bought slots for both of you” and left. So we headed in and the room that I was in went dark. I felt like, a very deliberate burning pain that was clearly from another human, but I couldn’t move. The pain started in my calf and then moved to my inner leg, finally stopping around my ribcage. By that point, I was crying my eyes out because it hurt so badly. Then the light turned on. I was getting tattooed the whole time. How the artist was working in a pitch black room is unknown to me, but it was a dream, so, dream logic? The tattoos weren’t finished and they weren’t what I would have gotten for myself. One was even a cover up on the tattoo that I loved the most but I felt like I should have been grateful because tattoos are expensive and my dad bought them for me but I was also angry that he booked the session and didn’t tell me what was going on. I wouldn’t have screamed or cried if I knew why I was hurting! Then I woke up.

The second dream was much shorter but with undertones of trauma. I was laying on the floor of one of the rooms in my house and there was no light. I was on my back with my limbs contorted and barely able to breathe. I FaceTime my mom and brother once a week and my brother ran past me to hop on the call and I screamed for him to help me. He made some excuse and kept running, leaving me on the floor. I shouted again, eventually just screaming “I can’t breathe” over and over until I woke up in a panic. This relates to my trauma because my ex was abusive and I started yelling for my dad because although he was asleep, I knew he’d come save me if I was able to wake him. Instead, my ex bullied me into the same room in the dream, pinned me down, and put a hand over my mouth and nose. I was screaming just like in the dream, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” but she insisted that I could. She broke up with me almost two years ago but I guess the trauma runs deep…

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Oh yeah, I recently had a school nightmare about failing a math class or something and then I thought to myself, “WAIT A MINUTE I’m not in school anymore!” and then I woke up. It was stressful in the moment but I look back on it and laugh. If only it was that simple all the time