Selective Memory

A collection of poems made from entries I've written in my personal journal, told through the perspective of Lapis Lazuli. Depression, identity, and steven universe references abounds

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Want to

Want to I want to Love you save you comfort you Be your guardian angel Hold you in my arms as I softly sing to you So I could watch you be Carefree and free Spirited Unrestrained and at ease With me LL 7-9-17

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My name

My name I'm not your pearl I'm not your constant servant No matter how you try To silence and deny I still have feelings. I'm still a human No human deserves what you've done. I'm changing my name Because it was the name you gave me The one I had no say in The one I was born with. You controlled it The same way you controlled every aspect of my life Convincing me I had control By occasionally offering A handful of predetermined options All greenlit by you To make me feel like it was my choice. But it was never my choice, was it? I am your black swan And if things go my way, we'll never meet again In this life or the next. The memory of you is worth forgetting. By changing my name I will finally shed the weight of you And the hooks you left in me. And this new name You'll never get to see Father. LL 5-10-17

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Couplet

Couplet Even with your heart on your sleeve There was still so much more to see LL 5-7-17

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My most faithful mirror

My most faithful mirror Lapis Lazuli I want you to know how much you helped me How much you changed me How much you inspired me. You are all the reasons I didn't run away from home. You made the unbearable bearable Because you showed me that everything changes- Even the hardships. You showed me that Even though I've been trapped my whole life I can fly. You are all the reasons I didn't press the button That would send the message of what my father did to me to all of my relatives That would be seen by everyone close to him With the intention of breaking him Of everyone hating him and ostracizing him because of the truth As some form of forced sympathy That would make him understand that what I did to him was equal to what he did to me. I didn't press the button Because you showed me The consequences Of malachite- Of how much it hurt you in the end- And that even though our feelings were justified, That no good could ever come of acting upon them. You were The one thing that never failed make me smile When I was at the lowest points of my depression. You were The one person I could relate to Whenever I felt alone. You were My identity When I had none. What you showed me Was who I was The reality of my life The injustices of it The Stockholm syndrome finally overcome. You showed me Who I could be What I could become The happy endings I believe in. You've been my muse And my sanctuary. You've been My most faithful mirror. MTH 5-4-17

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Exhaustion

Exhaustion I've been exhausted my whole life Every social interaction has been a cold calculation of cost-benefit analysis. So exhausted that I never organized a playdate Or had a text conversation Willingly. So exhausted that From where I stand now If I went to college tomorrow I wouldn't seek out relationships. That's what was always so appealing about the idea of roommates- Shared emotions and experience without effort Without planning Naturally. MTH + LL 5-4-17

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The goodbye party

The goodbye party That moment The one near the end When we were all together Sitting Speeches prepared and unprepared The moment they started Given by those leaving the team Their team [/family/community] That moment That one right there Made you burst into tears on the spot Made us cry More than we ever remembered We Expected/anticipated this Because we knew As veterans of the goodbye party That these speeches were the last time we'd ever see eachother That this was one of the rare reasons we dreaded the approach of summer. The outpouring of feelings so strong That although never experienced firsthand Felt understood in volumes to me, Returning the favor as best as possible By resonating and reciprocating this understanding Through the outpouring of tears and snot That only got in the way of my last glances of them. Well known or unknown, Their depths were felt. Some of the speeches Even the spontaneous ones All came from the same realization That hit them The moment they opened their mouth And solidified the fact That this goodbye party was now for them Instead of the leaders before them That inspired them As they saw themselves when they joined the team for the first time How much a debate team could mean to a person They spoke of what they remembered Of the comradery Of the bonds they shared Through the teamwork of the debates themselves And of the everything that had nothing to do with debate itself That we all partook in As a team As a family The roadtrips together The out-of-town hotels at distant tournaments The Karaoke nights The showcases The friendships Even though I left Before a goodbye speech would be given by me What I remember most Was the fun of it The people I was blessed to be with And still felt blessed to be with during tournaments That lasted 48 hours sans sleep in a row every month Even though most or all of us Would be out of the game By the first night We still came back the next day Even if we knew we'd already lost Even though we could return to a normal weekend We put all of that aside to spend an entire Saturday in another team's high school cafeteria For the company of eachother. What I remember most Was the annual play we held for fundraising during the off season That always turned into something At least with my group That was purely for the fun of it, For the shits and giggles of it Because we all knew At least with my group That there was no way to possibly convey post-modern philosophy In a ten minute skit To an audience of parents. What I remember most Is how freshman year I was convinced by the older team members that the debate team had a final Until the day of Where I was greeted by my group Revealing that there was no final And instead A collective movie-watching of The Room and Mr Nobody That gave birth to inside jokes that never aged But rather passed on with those who created them. What I remember most Was the karaoke night my second year When the girl most removed and quiet in the team Took the mic and sang Radiohead's "karma police" The other mic In my hand at the time Taken promptly by a friend of hers And replaced with stunned silence So that all we could hear Was her voice singing along to the track A voice falling on ears some for the first time. Her friend's usurpation of the mic an act of protection That spoke volumes of its importance. Of the rarety of this moment Of the waiting for this moment Of their understanding And shared taste of music. What I remember most Is how Under the crushing weight of my parent's then-recent divorce I hid sobbing in the bathroom And was serendipitously greeted After five moments of panicking alone By another debate member Who let me know Of the avenues of help that were previously invisible to me And that I didn't have to shoulder this alone. I left this team After Junior year Not because I no longer enjoyed the event But because I knew That senior year I'd have noone left to look forwards to No one left to miss And no reasons To include that year In the speech Of my goodbye party. MTH 3-31-17

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Malachite

Malachite My life in retrospect My personality My arc Is that of Lapis Lazuli. My pasts and futures Incredibly similar. I know now That it's the reason I'm avoiding my father. The thought of him breeds vengeance and anger. The moment I see him Is the moment I form malachite. Starving him of all relationships By spilling the truth to everyone within earshot The moment I confront him at christmas with relatives Hellbent on making his life as equally void of emotional support and friendship as mine was But condensed Unrelenting. And in the end I'll hate myself For what I did For what I was capable of. MTH 4-25-17

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Butterscotch-cinnamon pie

Butterscotch-cinnamon pie The most endearing part of undertale was the amount of faith put into the butterscotch-cinnamon pie. On its face it's just a health item; you don't know how much health it will heal, and you get it early in the game. One's immediate instinct is to assume that it's a minor item, and will probably use it quickly. But what makes it special is how you receive it: it's cooked just for you by a kind and motherly character, who leaves it with you in the safest area of the game. It feels special and it reminds you of her, so you keep it. It feels important because of what it represents. The game not only knows but expects you to feel/act this way, and builds itself upon this expectation. You can use it at any moment, and there's plenty of battles that would be much easier with it. But every player chooses to keep it, just because it reminds them of her. It's the most important item you get in the game, saved by most for the last battle, and when you finally part with it and eat it, you're graced with the surprise of a full restoration of your health. And you realize that the game believed in you the whole time; that your love would pull you through. MTH 4-24-17

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Breaking point

Breaking point There comes a point When things become unforgivable When the only excuse for their actions In your eyes Is a plea of insanity. There's a line Separating what can and can't heal with time. Where the end goal becomes redaction and avoidance of all future interactions Not because of grudges But because you know Running all the possibilities in your head That nothing good can come of anything else. Some feelings are certain And permanent. Permanence is always an option And At least with [Jasper] The healthiest choice. LL 4-24-17

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Mockingbird

Mockingbird Mockingbirds are known for imitating the songs of other birds in it's environment. The songs they hear, the sounds that surround them Are memorized and kept by the mockingbirds for life Their own calls growing longer with age as they gather more. And yet the mockingbird's song is its own Distinguishable from the songs it imitates Because the way the mockingbird interprets the songs around it Is unique to it alone- The elements it hears The quintessential they attach to it What it considers important. The life of each living thing is a unique experience. Everything we do is a reciprocation of that experience. No matter what one does, Everyone is unique. LL 4-21-17

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Isolation

Isolation It speaks volumes of my isolation That all my dreams are conversations with people about my day. There's a threshold that people pass When they're socially isolated for long enough Where they hallucinate a companion And talk with imaginary friends. I'm lonely bored desperate enough That I'm looking forwards to passing it. LL 4-20-17

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Effects of loneliness so far

Effects of loneliness so far So lonely that I had online chat conversations on the suicide hotline nightly just for the company. So lonely that I rehearsed every upcoming interaction in my head as a way to keep busy So lonely that I bingewatched steven universe daily for feelings of vicarious love. So lonely that I imagined that musicians I liked were in the same room as me when I was listening to music So lonely that I bought a plush barn owl as my own version of wilson from castaway. So lonely that I constantly fantasized about having a roommate in college in six months. That I wrote songs and poems for them in advance. So lonely I wanted to run away from home. MTH 4-18-17

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Idolize

Idolize I was raised by gods People who played the role of gods Over their creation. They built me in their image Loving but judgmental (bonzai limbs cut off, avenues avoided) With a deep omnipotent trust in their own decisions In their own view of morality. Like gods, whether my prayers were heard or not Is still a mystery. What drove them? Self-gain? A tool to be used? I've been avoiding the question; Answers only ever spawn negativity. LL 4-17-17

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Inaction [an open letter to Jasper]

Inaction Actions speak louder than words But your actions and your words Were always at odds. Actions speak louder than words And yet you think you can worm your way out From what you did Through conversation alone. What did you expect? For me to believe you? That you'd really change? The science says otherwise... LL 4-17-17

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Alone

Alone I'm alone With cabin fever. I've exhausted my stay Exhausted the fun out of every activity Everything jaded. I'm alone So everything I do is for me alone. My art is for me alone These words are being heard by me alone I only have me to impress Which is rare when inspiration is a rarity. I can't fill the void I only have conversations with myself There is no second opinion. I'm going down a rabbit hole I'm climbing up the walls every time someone makes a power play My only response is flight And that reaction can only be suppressed. What the fuck am I to do? Where's the new? Where's the unexpected? I'm bored out of my mind and it only goes downhill from here if I don't do something about it. Again at a loss of coping with the boredom. MTH 4-15-17

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A meditation

A meditation Ask yourself What are your wants? Your desires? Right now? Follow them to the root The end goal The destination you hope to reach arrived at through uncountable amounts of serendipity Own them As your own They came Ultimately From you alone Your actions Your choices Your reactions No matter how instinctual Were a collaboration Between you and your world. Your desires Your desires As you act on them The ones with you now Whether they brighten your life Or merely the better path of an ultimatum Take a moment Just for now To put them aside. Although our control over our lives changes constantly, You alone choose who you want to be. See yourself In a lens other than regret, expectation, and hope As you are now. You have complete control over your identity in the present. You will always have this control. You are powerful. You choose what matters to you. You can reinvent yourself At any time Even moment to moment. What an amazing ability- The ability to grow. [redacted] 4-15-17

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Spontaneity

Spontaneity There is beauty in spontaneity No grueling hours spent planning Or worrying There is beauty in spontaneity A thought in pure form As it is With no revision With no mistakes covered up There is beauty in spontaneity To be in a state of flow To lose all sense of self and location and time When feelings outrun thoughts And self-critique And everything becomes instinct There is beauty in spontaneity The satisfaction of honesty A satisfaction able to quell all lack of self esteem All worry All self blame. There is beauty in spontaneity In the present moment In the autonomy one holds over the present When not thinking Of either the past or the future But the now. LL 4-8-17