Ava felt restless. It was far from new, and she always had to keep herself busy so unwanted thoughts wouldn’t bother her. But this task became increasingly hard ever since Eden temporarily moved into the warehouse.
Ava knew what feelings this event should’ve caused – she should’ve been happy for Nat, glad that it would be easier to keep an eye on Detective, nothing more. Instead, there was a flood of emotions she shouldn’t have felt, didn’t want to feel. She lost count of how many times she would walk into a room just to instantly feel a flare of pain at the sight of Eden and Nat together. There was another feeling behind that hurt, the one that left an acidic taste behind, but Ava preferred not to think about it. She already allowed herself to feel too much for Detective, she couldn’t let any other emotions get into the mix.
Eden and Nat were together, in every possible way, in ways Ava would’ve loved not to know of, but it was unavoidable. They were great together. Perfect together. She could never imagine competing with that, not that it was ever a part of Ava’s plan. All she wanted was to see both people she cared about happy, and if she had to get hurt by her own unrequited feelings to make it happen, she was happy to withstand any pain. But part of her, some small part, still longed for Eden.
Ava couldn’t blame Eden. Everything that was stirring inside her heart was not of Detective’s doing. She had given Ava no hope that there could ever be anything more between them than friendship. Then why would Ava’s chest fill with warmth whenever Eden would pick her? In the past weeks, there were many instances when Eden would pick Ava’s side in an argument, when she would choose to walk with her, spend time with her, just the two of them. As much as Ava tried, she couldn’t stop feeling hopeful when those instances would occur. Even if, surely, Eden didn’t mean anything by that.
At the time when it happened, Eden was healing after an attack, locked in the warehouse for a few weeks, and growing increasingly bored. The rest of the unit was on patrol, and Ava made a point not to stay inside. That was the only way for her to avoid Eden’s company, stop herself from seeking it. She tried to keep herself busy by washing her car, but it seemed that the meeting was unavoidable. If Ava wasn’t pulled to Eden, Eden was pulled to her. As pleasant as this thought was, it was also dangerous, but in moments like these, Ava couldn’t force herself to care about it.
“The weather is nice today,” Eden’s voice was as soft and melodic as usual, when she caught Ava off guard. She stood at the door of the warehouse, looking as beautiful as ever. The outfit was new – usually, Eden would attempt to cover as much of her skin as possible, but on that day she decided to wear a short-sleeved cream colored blouse and short brown skirt, leaving most of the scars on her right side open to the view. Ava tried her best not to let her eyes linger on thick white lines crossing Eden’s skin. Nat surely saw all of them, unwanted thought crossed her mind.
“It is,” Ava agreed, noticing a camera hanging on a strap pulled over Eden’s shoulder. “You do remember that you can’t leave the warehouse?”
Eden frowned. “I’m going to go mad if I stay inside for any longer. I’m all alone there most of the time. Is it that bad that I want to get away from here, from all of this, even if just for a short time?”
Ava knew what her answer should’ve been. She had to remind Detective that this was done for her safety, that she had already gone through too much and had to stay away from danger. That was the thing Ava needed to do. But it was just the two of them, she could be alone with Eden, and even a chance at that made her act irrationally.
“Would you care for a ride?” Ava offered, not sure why it felt so good to see Eden’s grin at her offer.
“I would love it,” Eden nodded, before Ava could change her mind and take back the reckless offer. They weren’t doing anything wrong. Ava tried to squish the guilt she was already starting to feel. She was just trying to keep Eden safe, exactly the way she was supposed to.
Before Eden sat in the car, she looked at it with a critical eye.
“I’m just trying to figure out how high safety standards were back when it was made,” she answered Ava’s silent question when she noticed her looking. It was understandable, after everything Eden went through. During one of their late-night talks, one which should’ve never happened, Eden told Ava a story of what actually unraveled the night of the accident, told everything about the guilt she still carried. When Eden cried in her arms, Ava wanted to give her comfort, but she also couldn’t help but feel smug. It was a horrible word for a horrible feeling, but it was the one Ava felt in that moment as she realized that she was the one Eden confined in, not Nat. She often wondered if Eden told her girlfriend the truth since that moment or if Ava was still the only one who knew about the accident and about the guilt Eden carried with her everywhere she went.
“I’ll keep you safe, I promise,” Ava hoped that Eden understood her words exactly the way she intended them. No matter when, no matter what the situation, Ava would always be there for her. Even if Eden would never be with her.
Eden let out a sigh at that, but sat in the car. Her body was still tense, and it only got worse once they hit the road. At some point, Eden’s anxiety, which she couldn’t hide, became so apparent that she put her hand on Ava’s forearm and squeezed tightly. This touch almost made Ava lose concentration, but she didn’t want to cause Eden even more stress.
“I’m sorry,” Eden said, her body slightly shaking. “I get nervous when I’m not the one driving.”
It was more than understandable after the experience she had, the one that left so many scars on her body and even more on her heart. Eden was about to pull her hand away, but it was the last thing Ava wanted. Feeling Eden’s touch, her warmth, was all that she wished for, even if she shouldn’t have.
“You don’t have to pull away if it brings you comfort,” Ava said, trying not to sound overly excited. “I don’t mind.”
She hoped she didn’t sound overly eager, and Eden’s soft smile was calming enough not to allow Ava to overthink it. Eden kept her hand on Ava’s arm for the rest of their drive, and she was trying to remember every moment of it, commit this purely friendly gesture to memory.
Eden was the one to pick a place for their stop. It was calm, peaceful, secluded. The lake was shining in the light right below the cliff they stopped at, and Eden looked calm for the first time in a while. She leaned against the tree and bent her knees. Her eyes closed for a moment, and all Ava could do was stare at her, unable to look away from the way sunlight kissed Eden’s skin.
“You should sit with me,” Eden said with a laugh, before she opened her eyes, but when she did, Ava felt like she was caught in the middle of committing a crime. Eden patted a patch of the grass on her right side, and Ava took the offer.
Eden always turned her right side to Ava, so whenever she would look at her, she’d see the scars crossing Eden’s face, the bite mark on her neck. They didn’t make her any less beautiful in Ava’s eyes, but she often wondered if that was Eden’s intention when choosing what side to show Ava – to make sure she could see all the unpleasant parts, parts Eden clearly found unattractive or even ugly. At times, when Ava’s thoughts would slip away from under her control, her mind would get filled with a fantasy about kissing those scars, running her lips against the rough skin, proving to Eden over and over that she always wanted to see, to have all of her. But those were dangerous thoughts, and Ava would never indulge in them.
“You look more at ease,” Ava said, trying to fill the silence between them. They sat too close to each other, but she wasn’t about to move and ruin the moment. “I’m glad to see it.”
Eden was playing with the camera in her hands, but in that moment, she stopped, giving Ava a quick glance.
“I can say the same about you. I guess we both act differently when we’re away from the others,” Eden’s tone was light, but there was quiet heaviness behind her words. Was it her intention to remind Ava that Nat was waiting for Eden at home? Or was it something else?
“It’s not the absence of others that makes me feel this way. It’s your presence that does.” Ava knew that she should’ve kept her lips sealed, that saying those words was dangerous, but it was as if Eden had some strange power over her. Ava wanted to admit everything to her, bare her soul in front of Detective because she knew Eden would never treat her with anything but gentleness and care. If only…
As her thoughts kept going, Ava barely noticed how she gave all of her attention to the thick scar on Eden’s thigh, how she moved her hand to touch it with the back of her palm. It was barely a touch, a brush of skin against skin, but as it was happening, Ava heard the sound of a camera, which almost startled her.
“Sorry,” Eden cleared her throat, pink appearing on her pale cheeks. “I was taking a photo of the lake. It looks beautiful.”
At least she wasn’t caught in the middle of an unwanted touch, Ava calmed herself.
When Eden turned to Ava again, with too little space between their faces for Ava’s comfort, she could see heaviness in the way Detective looked at her.
“Sometimes I wonder if I would’ve been a different person, if I made different choices, if it wasn’t for…” Eden absently touched the scar on her face, as if it was a sign of her moral failure and not a memory of a tragedy that happened to her.
“It wasn’t your fault, Eden. The choices you make shouldn’t be motivated by guilt you shouldn’t feel,” Ava was surprised to hear how passionate her tone sounded. Eden let out a soft chuckle.
“I remember being the one saying those words to you. And yet, something tells me you didn’t listen,” Eden smiled, reminding Ava about a conversation they had days and days ago, when Ava opened up to Eden about what happened to her family. “Sometimes I feel that if I won’t have this guilt pushing me forward, I’ll have nothing, I’ll simply fall apart. And I won’t be able to handle that.”
Ava wanted to put her hands on Eden’s face, she wanted to tell her that she would be there for her, that she would be at her side no matter what. She couldn’t. Nat should’ve been the one telling Eden that, she was the one Eden chose. All Ava could do was let it happen, let them be happy. They both deserved it.
“You can’t keep making choices out of fear,” Ava knew that it was hypocritical of her to say those words when every day, every time she was with Eden, she was making choices that hurt her, but kept her new family together.
“I have to,” there was desperation in Eden’s tone as she said it. Ava didn’t notice when they leaned even closer, but she felt Eden so close that it was almost impossible to fight the temptation to cross the line. “The last time I forgot about fear and chose with my heart, Sanja died.”
For a moment, the meaning of Eden’s words didn’t register in Ava’s mind, but then it did, and it hit her like a blow. Eden chose with her heart when she chose to save Ava. She didn’t know what to do with this revelation, with this confession, because it left Ava completely off balance. She didn’t have to think about her answer for too long because Eden continued.
“I wish I could forget about fear, I wish I could be a different person, who makes different choices, but I can’t. I can’t hurt even more people by picking selfishly,” as Eden spoke those words, her eyes kept moving over Ava’s face, constantly dropping to her lips. How was she supposed to keep a cool head when Eden so clearly wanted the same thing Ava did? When she craved to feel a single moment of closeness with Eden so badly her whole body ached with need? “You understand it, don’t you? You know what will happen if we act selfishly.”
Ava knew. Of course, she did. The last thing she wanted was to see everything fall apart for the unit, for Nat. But it was impossible for her to focus on the consequences of her actions when Eden was so close, when all she wanted was to be even closer.
“I know,” she exhaled. “I only wish it would stop me from wanting it.”
When their eyes met again, there was a silent acknowledgment of what was happening, of what was about to happen. Neither one of them stopped it, even if both knew they should have.
When later Ava returned to that moment in her thoughts, she wished for many things to go differently, but when it happened, when they kissed, there were no thoughts, only pure need.
Even when their lips met, Ava tried her best to hold back, to not overwhelm Eden, but how could she stop herself from asking for more and more, when it was all she thought of for weeks? And Eden’s lips felt exactly the way she imagined they would, parting so eagerly to allow Ava’s tongue to slip into her mouth. Their hands were grasping at something, anything, in an attempt to get a feel of each other’s bodies. At some point, Eden moved to straddle Ava’s hips while their lips were still locked, and Ava almost lost it at the sensation of Eden’s weight on top of her.
If only they had more time, if they didn’t have to return back home… far away from it all, the two of them could pretend that the guilt, the coming pain didn’t exist, that they could keep kissing, touching, caressing forever. If it were a choice, Ava would’ve taken it. The way Eden sounded, the way she felt and tasted was beyond what any of her fantasies could offer, and she knew that the moment their kiss would end, she would miss it for the rest of her life.
They only separated for short moments, so Eden could catch a breath, before their lips would meet again, and Ava thought it would never end, she hoped it wouldn’t until Eden pulled away for one final time, and the heat between them suddenly stopped existing.
Eden looked as beautiful as ever – unfocused, her black hair slightly disheveled, with her lips bright pink after their kiss. Ava couldn’t stop herself, she put a hand on Eden’s chin and brushed her thumb against the swollen lower lip. Before the moment could end, Ava leaned closer to Eden to leave a trail of kisses over the scar on her cheek. The way she always wanted to do it, the way she needed to do it. Her lips moved down to Eden’s neck, kissing the bite mark, trying to erase a bad memory. Ava only stopped and pulled away when she heard Eden’s unsteady voice.
“This should make it easier, right?” Eden asked, not sounding nearly as sure as she should’ve. She knew it was a lie. Ava felt it was, because she wanted the moment to continue, not become the only one they had together. “We know what it feels like now, so we should stop wanting it.”
Even if their kiss was confirmation enough, Ava still enjoyed hearing that Eden wanted it just as badly as she did.
“We should,” Ava agreed, clearing her throat.
When Eden awkwardly stood up, Ava instantly grieved the loss of her warmth. She still felt drunk on their kiss, and she wasn’t sure what to do with herself when she couldn’t touch Eden anymore, when they couldn’t kiss again.
The walk back to the car was tense, the ride was too. The closer they were to the warehouse, the more guilt was taking over every other emotion. Nat was back home, waiting for Eden, not knowing what they had done, having no clue about the betrayal. Ava should’ve never let it happen, no matter how she felt in that moment.
When Eden got out of the car, she looked lost, conflicted, in pain. Those weren’t the emotions Ava ever wanted her to experience.
“It was my fault,” she said, hoping that taking the blame would make Eden feel better. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
The kiss was her fault, Eden didn’t need more guilt weighing her down.
“Thank you for saying that, but it’s not true,” Eden smiled at her with a hint of sadness to the expression. “I wanted it as much as you did. Maybe, more.”
They looked at each other. A mistake, as their behavior at the cliff proven them, because tense silence settled between them one more. There were so many possibilities, so many paths, but they both had to pick the right one. And live on as if the moment between them never happened.
“I have to go,” Eden looked away. “Nat is probably waiting for me.”
The mention of her friend’s name didn’t sober up Ava in a way she hoped it would.
“You should,” Ava agreed, too afraid to say anything else.
She kept looking at Eden’s back, trying not to remember every second of what they shared, but it was impossible not to. And if that single kiss was all they could have, all there could ever be for the sake of everyone’s happiness, she was willing to take it and be content with it.
The air in the confined space of the airplane was cool. The seat was comfortable, but Anita still shifted in it, testing if she was made for this life. She certainly was. A brief smile appeared on her lips as she allowed herself to imagine, just for a moment, what it would be like to make her way to the top, to truly make it, the way Gina did. Anita frowned at her own thought. Ever since she was able to take a closer look at Gina Reign, see her as a person and not as a performer, she felt mildly disappointed with what she found hiding underneath the surface.
Whatever was happening with Gina, Anita couldn’t help but see her BOTB mentor as ungrateful and spoiled. Every step Anita saw Gina take was leading to nothing but more mess, more disruption. If Anita were in Gina’s place, she would’ve never let it happen. No, she was far too ambitious, far too driven and disciplined to allow anything to stop her from getting to the top and staying there. Once Anita makes it big, she won’t let go of success, she will grip it until her nails are bloody if someone tries to tear it away. Gina… she was slowly losing it, allowing her feelings to affect her career, her life’s work. Anita would’ve called this behavior pathetic if it wasn’t for one simple fact – it was Gina’s private jet she was on board of, and Gina was the big star, not her. Not yet.
Anita looked over at her side, where Victoria was sitting next to her wife. Gina was awake and, for a brief moment, their eyes met. Anita flashed Gina a smile and hoped that it looked as teasing as she intended. A light frown appeared on Gina’s face as she briefly looked at Victoria, then looked at Anita again, matching her smile. There was one great thing about Gina being as messy and self-destructive as she was – she didn’t mind blowing things up for what she wanted, and Anita didn’t miss a chance to make sure to become a thing Gina craved.
Seducing Gina Reign wasn’t a part of the plan, but once the cheating allegations came out, Anita knew that it was far too late to worry about her reputation. Some people would always remember her as a lead singer of a band that cheated their way into competition, so why not make it true? Especially when Gina seemed to be so susceptible to this heavy flirtation between them?
Gina Reign was a rock star for a long time, she was used to getting what she wanted. Becoming someone Gina wanted seemed like the right course of action. Being near her, becoming important to her, becoming Gina’s comfort was something Anita knew she could do. And, with Gina, came connections and favors able to skyrocket Anita’s career faster than any competition could.
Anita should’ve felt bad, any moral person would’ve, but did any moral person ever make it to the top? Did they become popular, loved, and adored because they did everything right and followed rules? Anita wasn’t about to become the first. She encouraged Victoria to think of herself, of her career, first. She encouraged Gina when she carelessly flirted. She would smile and nod when Viktor White would speak, because those were the things she needed to do to get to the top. And she would continue to do it, for as long as needed, until she’s a start and everything else is nothing but noise.
When Anita looked at Gina again, she met an attentive look of her green eyes. Victoria tucked herself into the seat, blanket covering most of her frame. Some would find it flattering that Gina had her attention on Anita and not on her model wife, but Anita knew what it truly was. Desire to take a bite of something forbidden and poisonous, nothing else. Need to feel the high, no substance could provide. That’s what it was. And, in this instance, Anita was happy to play the dealer.
Anita got out of her seat and made her way to the restroom. She didn’t know if Gina would follow her. Any sane, smart person wouldn’t, but Anita was sure neither of those qualities were possessed by Gina. Of course, the restroom of a private jet wouldn’t be as cramped and disgusting as that of a commercial flight. Anita smiled at herself in the mirror as she washed her face. She felt determined, but a tiny part of her, one that remembered how badly she wanted nothing but to introduce her music to the world, was fighting against her plan. It didn’t matter. Once she makes it to the top, she’ll be untouchable.
Anita wiped her hands, the tattoo on her wrist coming into view. She should’ve gotten rid of it when she had a chance, because the black ink on her skin was nothing but a reminder of how stupid she was to believe that someone might love her. Emotions were fleeting, unreliable. They were tools to help Anita get her way to the top.
She didn’t hear the door open, she only noticed that she wasn’t alone when she heard a familiar voice.
“You know, some people might see it and get a false impression that you’re taken,” Gina flashed a bright smile at her. They were together, behind a closed door, in a small space made for one. When Gina took Anita’s hand in hers and ran her fingers over the ink, Anita didn’t react, allowing her to explore. This touch already felt too intimate, and she didn’t mind.
“You mean, the same false impression people might get when looking at your ring?” Anita’s tone was slightly teasing, but she was serious. She tested the waters with Gina many times before, inching closer and closer into forbidden territory, but not crossing a line yet.
“Does it bother you?” Gina asked, lifting her left hand to Anita’s face. Maybe it was her attempt to make both of them sober up and end this moment before it would start.
“Not if it doesn’t bother you,” there was already too little space between them, and Anita only made the two of them closer by leaning to Gina, looking up into her eyes. “But here, really? When your wife is right behind this door? Where anyone can catch us in the act?”
Anita wasn’t stupid. Gina didn’t follow her into the restroom to give her a motivational speech as a mentor should. She wanted to fuck, nothing complicated about this desire. And Anita was willing to give Gina anything, as long as she could get some special treatment out of it.
“Part of me wants it to happen,” for a moment, Gina didn’t sound like herself. Her smile was wobbly, all arrogance and flirtation gone. “To see it all burn down. But I’m not trying to take you down with me. Nothing will happen unless you want it to happen.”
At least she was courteous, Anita thought. They didn’t have much time, and she couldn’t let this opportunity go past her, not while Gina was right in front of her, wanting and aching. Rock stars always get what they want, don’t they?
“How do you want me?” Anita asked with readiness, and it might’ve been this readiness that took Gina aback. Anita silently cursed herself as she saw a look of confusion on the star’s attractive face. She shouldn’t have been so forward. She had to fix it. “I want to make you feel good. Do you want me to touch you? Do you want me to eat you out?”
Anita leaned closer and put her hands on Gina’s shoulders, their chests touching. Anita leaned up, closer to Gina’s face, almost touching her lips. There was still the same hesitance on Gina’s face. Anita was sure that she ruined it, that she went too hard. She should’ve let Gina lead.
“I don’t want you to fuck your idol, Anita,” Gina let out against her mouth. The words came out forceful, as if Gina felt uncomfortable saying them. One would think Gina Reign would be used to giving people instructions. “I want you to have sex with me.”
Anita felt Gina’s hands on her hips, a light caress she didn’t expect. Something strange rose in her chest. Regret? Guilt? It didn’t matter, nothing mattered. They had too little time, and she had to make sure Gina wouldn’t back away.
“Then have me,” Anita exhaled into the space between them. Her words were filled with emotions she was sure she didn’t feel, but she sounded convincing enough to finally force Gina to make a move.
Anita felt her body being tightly pressed against the door of the restroom when Gina kissed her. It didn’t feel hungry or desperate as Anita thought it would be. Instead, every touch felt hesitant and unsure. One would think that once you decide to cheat, you just go for it, but Gina was still holding back. At least, until Anita answered, until she wrapped her arms around Gina’s neck.
The world didn’t disappear. Anita was still very aware of the fact that Victoria was there, waiting for her wife, that what they were doing was wrong by any standard, but she kept going. In a way, the wrongness of it turned her on more than Gina herself. Was it horrible, was she horrible? Yes, the answer was yes. But she didn’t care.
Anita softly moaned into Gina’s mouth when she felt a knee being pushed between her legs, spreading them open. She didn’t stop a hand making its way down the front of her loose pants, under the elastic of her underwear. Anita kept kissing Gina, drowning everything else in this heated moment.
Anita was grateful for a mouth covering her lips, their kiss made her moans barely audible when Gina reached her goal, and Anita felt a touch against her clit. Feeling her reaction, Gina continued, adding more pressure against the sensitive nub, making Anita moan into their kiss again. At least she didn’t have to pretend that it felt good, because it did. Anita slightly angled her hips, asking for more friction.
Anita dug her fingers into Gina’s shoulders, trying to keep her balance, as she felt the movement of fingertips against her wetness. It felt overwhelming, even more so when she felt Gina’s hand travel lower, teasing her entrance, spreading the wetness all over, just to dip lower again and, finally, fill her.
Anita could barely breathe. The heat, the lack of air, the tension of her walls around Gina’s fingers, all of it was so much. Gina couldn’t finger Anita fast enough, not when Anita was still wearing her pants and the angle of the movement was so awkward, but the strokes she was given were more than enough for her. Or, maybe, it was adrenaline that got her to the finish so fast.
Anita felt her the rush of heat spread from between her legs. Even if Gina wouldn’t give her special treatment after their time together, an orgasm was something.
Gina’s fingers were still inside her as Anita was taking deep breaths, returning to reality.
“So, what you wanted all this time was to make me come?” she asked quietly, with a laugh. Gina smiled back.
“I guess,” she pressed a surprisingly chaste kiss to Anita’s lips before she pulled away. Anita let out a small whimper, feeling aching emptiness inside her, just to look down and see Gina’s hand. Gina’s left hand, covered in her wetness, her wedding ring shining with it as well. Anita shouldn’t have felt as turned on by that sight as she was.
The silence was awkward, heavy. They didn’t get caught, not yet, but it wasn’t a normal situation. They weren’t just a couple having fun, they were a cheater and a homewrecker. Roles no one wanted, but they now had.
Anita watched as Gina washed her hands and looked in the mirror to make sure there was nothing suspicious about her appearance. Her swollen lips were there for questioning, but other than that, she looked perfect.
“I’ll go first. You should wait before you follow,” Gina said, unaffectionately. Exactly what Anita expected. They were done, at least for now, nothing else to add.
Gina stopped at the door, looking tense. She turned back and looked at Anita. She knew what she expected to hear from Gina. “You can’t tell anyone”, “say a word and I’ll ruin your life”.
“I’m glad we did it,” Gina said instead, with a smile that looked far too vulnerable, before she left the restroom.
Anita swallowed hard and stepped to the mirror. She did it. She was one step closer to her goal. She could ignore the unsettling sensation in her gut and go for it.
She wasn’t a good person. But when did any good person make it to the top?
I know we went to writing trenches because I seriously consider making up song lyrics for a plot of a fanfic (it's going to be cringey and embarrassing, but who can stop me?)
warnings: mentions of blood. canon-typical honestly.
read on ellipsus for free
preview below
***
When Ava returns to our flat, it's all I can do not to wrap myself around her, holding her tight while I crawl into her skin. She's fine. She's safe.
"Are you alright, my love?"
She's staring at me, crossing towards the couch with her brows twisted in concern, and I suddenly wonder what I must look like to her. Wrapped in blankets and gripping a mug of hot tea and shaking wide-eyed in the dark. My phone lays on the coffee table, the blank screen accusing me of being ridiculous.
