This is is the closest I’ve ever been. The only reason I wish someone killed me right now is that I don’t really want my folks to blame themselves. I love everyone so much and yet it’s like nobody ever gives a damn.
By this age, you’d think that someone would worry about you. But you get to 23 and nobody does. The only thing you feel is that fucking pressure.
“You’re such a smart girl.”
“Your parents must be so proud.”
“You must’ve achieved so much until now!”
Guess what: I’m not. I’m stupid as fuck. Guess what! They’re not. They fucking blame me for everything that goes wrong in their lives. I’m the reason for every fucking problem or failure they’ve ever had and, surely, for the ones to follow. Don’t worry, they will surely deny this after my death.
No, I have achieved fucking nothing. Twenty three years gone to waste. Such a brilliant brain gone to waste. If only this God of yours put me in a different place and I might’ve cured cancer. Now I can’t even cure myself. Blame the trauma.
I’ve lost the love of my life. I’m constantly being betrayed by every fucking person I’ve ever considered a friend. My parents despise me. My brother would rather sleep than have a phone call with me. They all leave, eventually. I’m too troubled to have anyone besides me.
And if you ask (I know nobody will ever read these while I’m alive but if by some weird coincidence you find this, at some point, maybe you will), I’m such a failure that I’m too afraid to kill myself tonight. Can’t find a way to hang myself without causing a scene. Not a chance I will jump off this building ‘cause I would get too scared of the hight in order to remember my purpose. I’m too afraid to get overdosed because of my puking phobia. I guess I will just drink myself to sleep and wish I won’t wake up tomorrow.
Just so you know, if, by chance, you will ever find this- I loved each and every one of you. The one I couldn’t EVER get out of my head, the love of my fucking life- and the one that still owes me a few packs of cigarettes for breaking my heart. The one that should’ve lived with me and share two strawberry glasses with me. The ones I shared my best drug experience with- thank you for getting me through highschool, that freshers' party meant the world to me. The one that always made me smile, I know that girl broke your heart but please, remember, that there will be someone, at some point, worth of your beautiful soul (p.s. stop hitting old men on the zebra). The one I’ve shared YOUR lecture club with, you are one of the main ones and I would have sacrificed everything to see you happy, The one that shares the water nature with me, please know that this shoudn’t be a reason that enhances your depression, it should be a reason to get you out of it. Please, let me live through you! To the one I shared my desk with, you know that you’re special and I’ve loved you since day one. We’ve had so much and yet so little in common but, still, I’m so proud of everything you’ve become! You were the voice on the other side of the phone and my forever stone for so long. The one that broke my heart even more, my soulmate, that brown haired freckled girl. I loved you so much that I would give you a part of me even after years of not talking. Seeing you after so much time made me so happy, girl. Also, I won’t forget the one I’ve shared a pandemic with. I will surely die on THAT music. My coworkers, that hungarian girl and (at least hungarian named) guy, you guys helped much more than you could have ever imagined. To my Association friends, some of you were the reason I kept on living. There was a moldavian guy friend that woke me up in my time of need and (brown) long haired girl I used to visit often. You and your boyfriend meant a lot to me, please keep on being the superb couple you’ve become.
And to my sisters, you know everything about me and I’ve shared some of my best moments with you. Keep. On. Living!!! This moment should be a wake-up call for you. Live fucking EVERYTHING that I couldn’t. Fuck every hot guy you meet. Marry the love of your life. I was too stupid to see it when the time came so, please, live it for me.
To my mom and dad, you were such fantastic parents. I know I fucked up and dissappointed you but you were the best anyone could ask for. You have done your best and there’s nothing you could’ve done better. It’s me who’s broken, not you. Please, keep on living in order to take care of the person I’ve loved the most- my brother. He’s the smartest kid I’ve ever met. The best brother I’ve ever seen. Much more smarter than me, even though I’ve always made fun of him for having lower grades. Those mean fucking nothing. Much kinder than me, for I’ve known his heart and his soul. My better version. The one I would’ve done FUCKING anything for.
This is it, guys. I’ve given a thought to everyone, even if I didn’t mention you. Your life will go one so smooth that you won’t even remember me in a few years. The fun fact is that I will always be there, besides each and every one of you. Don’t ever forget me!
