Writing seems to be the key for all the heartbreaks I’ve been through. Funnily, reading my entries all over again reminds me of how much pain I was in back then in each failed relationship I had. Also, it is telling that this too shall pass, but time is an evil that I need to endure.
This has been sitting on my desktop for three weeks now, and I wasn’t intending to post it because I feel when I post it, there will be finality in it.. to me. I’m so unwilling to accept that it is done, but then again, how can I move on from my suffering if I cannot accept the fact that I am?
Every day I wake up with an intense desire to throw up, like there’s something in the pit of my stomach and I just want to collapse. For some time, I wasn’t able to sleep, eat, function, think – I was an empty shell. Wanting to be gone, wanting for some miracle and wishing that this was just a bad dream that I need to wake up from. “Please, please, give him back to me,” but where are all the gods when I’m shattered as hell?
But I am awake and I have to live this nightmare.
I’m someone who is independent now I’m acting like I’m unable to function when I’m alone. I’ve been down this road before, and I guess it’s still the same puddle that I am in right now, but the pain is so goddamn real. No pain is measurable, pain is pain, and everyone’s pain is valid.
It’s difficult to heal when you have so many questions in your head, when everything just ended in one fell swoop, without a signal, without denouement, without a coda. Poof! Gone! Bye! No wonder I’m still bleeding. I wanted to know why, and what I could do to fix it – because that is rational and acceptable, even if that’s never going to end well for anyone, at all.
Can’t believe I’m quoting Piolo Pascual with this, "I deserve an explanation. I need an acceptable reason!" I can keep on asking all the whys, but whatever it is, it’s something that I cannot accept for giving up on me just like that.
I thought we were perfect, well don’t we all when we’re happy? Who has a perfect relationship? Tell me and I’ll take a cent or two. I admit I had my mistakes. But I also believe something could always be fixed and that compromise will always be a part of a relationship, NO MATTER WHAT.
“You cannot control how the other person thinks.” I believe I threw my pride and ego for this, for I am losing someone I saw to live my future with. I do not know what faith I had when I have been dismissed the way that I was dismissed. Katipunera ka eh! Kung makakita ka kahit 0.0001% chance, and when it comes to statistics and logic, that’s close to impossible, you’ll still be resolute. For me, it’s always worth it to fight for love because the pain of losing someone is not comparable.
“It is just what, four, five months? You’ll get over it!” The way I’m handling myself now seems like we’ve been together for a long time. It will never be about the amount of time but the quality of the time you’ve spent together. Still, they tell you think of it that it would be better to handle the break up now than realize late that this was coming. I will not understand this notion now, but in time, I will read this entry, laugh at myself, and will thank the heavens for doing this now rather than later.
“You deserve better.” But I thought I had the best. I thought we made it work no matter how complicated our schedules were. I also thought we were mature enough to deal with our problems but apparently we were treading waters with letting it out. Was I that difficult to love? I keep on defending him when I’m the one left in the dark. I keep on blaming myself. I can go on and on and blame myself every day for it, but one way or another, he left. And when he left, there is nothing that I could have done better to stop him from leaving.
Some say fight for love, some say let go because I do not deserve this. Whatever other people tell me, it was still my decision. My decision then was I was willing to wait. Okay lang naman maghintay, ang kaso, paano naman ako kung tinutulak ako papalayo? Ang sakit na kasi. Nakakapagod na ring maghintay, magalit ng paulit ulit, at magtanong ng magtanong ng walang sumasagot. Ang hirap ng tiisin yung sakit.
“Kung love life lang ang usapan, kung dati Instructor I ka, ngayon Instructor IV ka na.” I laughed and pondered, I still don’t know the clear cut way to heal, because there is none. I've been here before but I know I had to lose myself then to find myself again even if I’m the type of person who can come into terms with life when I have a rational reason that my mind can accept. I think everyone can agree with me on this, but there is no rational in love. Because love is an excuse, period.
It’s funny how people mark their lives, the benchmarks they choose to decide when a moment is more than a moment than any other. I think most of the benchmarks of my life are my heartbreaks. Ano ‘to puro learning lesson nalang ang love sakin? Lord naman, hindi dahil paulit ulit it means I can handle it better. Pwedeng iba naman? Pwedeng pass na ko dito? Pwedeng ah okay she had enough, sa iba naman. I was okay being single eh. I was actually happy before this and now I have to pick up the pieces. AGAIN. I do not know how to stop feeling and stop caring. But what the hell right? The only person who can stop me from my suffering is just me, and how do I do that?
“Learn how to stand up. Wag laging fall apart.”