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Funny how our minds work. You think you can push away memories and forget, but life really has a way to remind you that you never really forget, you just need a reminder.

Was I not your sunshine? and you were my moonlight? That fits well on how things unfolded. I'm still the sun and you're the moon, and we always miss out on each other.

Hold your head up high

I am doing this thing called graduate school, and it was a chance not many are given that I may have not deserved. The irony of it when I was so sure before i started this is where I should be. I am unsure why I am having a sudden change of heart, but recently, I have this recurring feeling that I do not fit in this teensy little world, which is why I am writing this.

In this teensy little world, I feel I still know nothing. Hence, I listen intently to how people think I should go about it – and I admit this with shame – in all aspects you could possibly think. They must know better, right? I took all things in as I humbly accept I am struggling.

But strangely as time goes by, the focus came in a totally different light – I realized the more I heed, the more it seemed to suit someone else's taste – and it kept on creeping. Everything that was for me to decide was turning into something that was not mine. It had been incredibly tricky though when I realized that people have a lot to say, but they really haven't been doing the reciprocate listening.

Maybe I was at fault too as I had given them the opportunity to think I wasn't capable to realize things on my own. Which left me into so much thinking, "am I going to get on this life with everything handed to me?"

It’s not that I don’t want to listen, but I am on the crossroads where I am questioning, “up to what extent do people have to have a say on things?” You would say I was the one seeking it, but there just had to be a point where I have to draw a line.

Maybe I am just really stubborn and I just don’t want to listen. But maybe this is a good time to be stubborn to let myself experience, on my own, on how it's going to unfold. You would say, I was the one looking for answers anyway and I would tell you I had my reasons – I was really struggling to answer my own questions. But maybe it had to reach this point to know that it is also a good thing to struggle. However, it is clear to me now that it should be my own struggle – it may be scary but I think it has to be mine.

I think I am just really am afraid to make wrong decisions. Maybe it is good to be afraid, it means I am really and truly thinking about it.

One year in this bustling city

It’s been a year Thailand! It was just a year, and whoever said no one really changes, that person didn’t live somewhere away from the familiar because I surely hell am somehow different now.

That didn’t come quickly really. If you know me well, I’m more of a real-life-is-more-important-than-everything-else kind of person, but I certainly changed a lot, especially my habits. My eighteen-year-old self would be rolling her eyes on my almost-a-decade-older self who keeps a rough outline of a routine to get things done. Honestly, I’m still in denial this isn’t who I am – too academic and serious, not knowing where to fit in, always in the middle, not knowing if I’ll ever get out of that line. I sometimes even joke around I feel like a fraud. Hah. It’s because it’s still something I have difficulty to accept and understand – it was like English but… gibberish (sometimes). To put in perspective, it’s me refusing to go for Apple when I know Windows by heart. Though there’s a lot of improvement there, I still feel I am lost sometimes, but there’s too much to do there’s no room for insightful drama. I’m almost halfway done, might as well cross that bridge when it’s an actual issue.

What I truly appreciate is a different kind of learning. A year ago, I have no idea how to survive the wretchedness of dealing with solitude, but recently I am at peace knowing sadness actually goes away too. I’ve learned how small talks in elevators can stretch to friendly smiles on unfamiliar roads. It’s learning how to speak in broken English without feeling fuzzy about it. It’s knowing how to extend “hi how are you” to long conversations, case in point my mom actually wants to cut our calls sometimes (LOL).

For the past year, I learned to be comfortable with knowing no one has an absolute answer to anything. It was a year of humility learning that I was actually living in a box, blinders being my own bias of the world. It was learning grace, humility and self-love – and having a firm grasp of what those mean. It’s unraveling how our choices lead us to where we are, and that honestly is quite mind-boggling, and that’s the point when you just have to have faith sometimes.

We’re making choices all the time – who to have that dreaded small talk, what time to wake up, where to have dinner, when to go home, big or small decisions, good or bad ones – which consistently shape our lives. This was one of my haphazard decisions I’ve hated and loved at the same time, but never really regretted.

Happy one year to us Thailand! :D

I've been sleepless at night

Cause I don't know how I feel

I've been waiting on you

Just to say something real

There's a light on the road and I think that you know

Morning has come and I have to go

ON A LOST WAR

Writing seems to be the key for all the heartbreaks I’ve been through. Funnily, reading my entries all over again reminds me of how much pain I was in back then in each failed relationship I had. Also, it is telling that this too shall pass, but time is an evil that I need to endure.

This has been sitting on my desktop for three weeks now, and I wasn’t intending to post it because I feel when I post it, there will be finality in it.. to me. I’m so unwilling to accept that it is done, but then again, how can I move on from my suffering if I cannot accept the fact that I am?

Every day I wake up with an intense desire to throw up, like there’s something in the pit of my stomach and I just want to collapse. For some time, I wasn’t able to sleep, eat, function, think – I was an empty shell. Wanting to be gone, wanting for some miracle and wishing that this was just a bad dream that I need to wake up from. “Please, please, give him back to me,” but where are all the gods when I’m shattered as hell?

But I am awake and I have to live this nightmare.

I’m someone who is independent now I’m acting like I’m unable to function when I’m alone. I’ve been down this road before, and I guess it’s still the same puddle that I am in right now, but the pain is so goddamn real. No pain is measurable, pain is pain, and everyone’s pain is valid.

It’s difficult to heal when you have so many questions in your head, when everything just ended in one fell swoop, without a signal, without denouement, without a coda. Poof! Gone! Bye! No wonder I’m still bleeding. I wanted to know why, and what I could do to fix it – because that is rational and acceptable, even if that’s never going to end well for anyone, at all.

Can’t believe I’m quoting Piolo Pascual with this, "I deserve an explanation. I need an acceptable reason!" I can keep on asking all the whys, but whatever it is, it’s something that I cannot accept for giving up on me just like that.

I thought we were perfect, well don’t we all when we’re happy? Who has a perfect relationship? Tell me and I’ll take a cent or two. I admit I had my mistakes. But I also believe something could always be fixed and that compromise will always be a part of a relationship, NO MATTER WHAT.

“You cannot control how the other person thinks.” I believe I threw my pride and ego for this, for I am losing someone I saw to live my future with. I do not know what faith I had when I have been dismissed the way that I was dismissed. Katipunera ka eh! Kung makakita ka kahit 0.0001% chance, and when it comes to statistics and logic, that’s close to impossible, you’ll still be resolute. For me, it’s always worth it to fight for love because the pain of losing someone is not comparable.

“It is just what, four, five months? You’ll get over it!” The way I’m handling myself now seems like we’ve been together for a long time. It will never be about the amount of time but the quality of the time you’ve spent together. Still, they tell you think of it that it would be better to handle the break up now than realize late that this was coming. I will not understand this notion now, but in time, I will read this entry, laugh at myself, and will thank the heavens for doing this now rather than later.

“You deserve better.” But I thought I had the best. I thought we made it work no matter how complicated our schedules were. I also thought we were mature enough to deal with our problems but apparently we were treading waters with letting it out. Was I that difficult to love? I keep on defending him when I’m the one left in the dark. I keep on blaming myself. I can go on and on and blame myself every day for it, but one way or another, he left. And when he left, there is nothing that I could have done better to stop him from leaving.

Some say fight for love, some say let go because I do not deserve this. Whatever other people tell me, it was still my decision. My decision then was I was willing to wait. Okay lang naman maghintay, ang kaso, paano naman ako kung tinutulak ako papalayo? Ang sakit na kasi. Nakakapagod na ring maghintay, magalit ng paulit ulit, at magtanong ng magtanong ng walang sumasagot. Ang hirap ng tiisin yung sakit.

“Kung love life lang ang usapan, kung dati Instructor I ka, ngayon Instructor IV ka na.” I laughed and pondered, I still don’t know the clear cut way to heal, because there is none. I've been here before but I know I had to lose myself then to find myself again even if I’m the type of person who can come into terms with life when I have a rational reason that my mind can accept. I think everyone can agree with me on this, but there is no rational in love. Because love is an excuse, period.

It’s funny how people mark their lives, the benchmarks they choose to decide when a moment is more than a moment than any other. I think most of the benchmarks of my life are my heartbreaks. Ano ‘to puro learning lesson nalang ang love sakin? Lord naman, hindi dahil paulit ulit it means I can handle it better. Pwedeng iba naman? Pwedeng pass na ko dito? Pwedeng ah okay she had enough, sa iba naman. I was okay being single eh. I was actually happy before this and now I have to pick up the pieces. AGAIN. I do not know how to stop feeling and stop caring. But what the hell right? The only person who can stop me from my suffering is just me, and how do I do that?

“Learn how to stand up. Wag laging fall apart.”

#stronger lettinggo

Lost and insecure

Haunting memories can snap you in two. Make sure when it comes back to you, you can smash into it with ease and confidence knowing you can take it without scratch.

Haven’t you said that by this time, you should have it all figured out? That by this time, you should have this career path you wanted to focus on, this life you wanted to lead on, that man you wanted to settle with. But by the rate that you’re going, you are not close to figuring out where you wanted to go, the worse of all, you haven’t even reached a decision of where to begin. You’re so lost in the world of not knowing it’s becoming a whirlwind of what ifs and lost chances.

When is a chance lost? When you wanted the chance? How would you know that you wanted the chance when you haven’t even considered you wanted that chance? What if you lost that chance? Will you run after it? Will you watch it walk away right in front of you, because in the first place, you did not want it, or will you realize that it’s all you’ve been waiting for all along, when it’s walking away from you?

Hopeless

I am a hopeless romantic, they say. I guess it came from all those books that I’ve read, those sappy movies I’ve watched, and my quite over imaginative over thinking brain working non-stop.

What can I say? Who wouldn’t want to be swept off their feet, be mindless, crazy, dancing in the air in love? Who wouldn’t want that quite-impossible-thing-but-fuck-it-they-made-it kind of love story that you could be recounting ‘til you get old? Who wouldn’t want to have that kind of love tried and tested by time? That kind of thing, foolish it may seem, it’s something that people go crazy looking for.

For some people, love may come quietly, in a less exciting manner, and that kind of love, it keeps you satisfied and calm. For others, it comes with thunders, big waves, celebratory, momentous.. wreckless. For me, it has always been the latter. But whichever way it comes, when love comes, it surprises you all the same.

At least once in your lifetime, there will come a love that will make you stop in your track and make you rethink everything about your life. It will make you afraid, question yourself, and it will demand to make mind-wrecking decisions.

You would wonder all night how it happened and when it happened.

This love will make you wonder how fate works in this universe you live in. The love you will have for this person will make you not care about reality. You wouldn’t know how to cut-off the invisible strings you would constantly deny exist. And most importantly, you will throw caution in the air.

The thing also with this kind of love, it can break you in ways you can’t imagine. There is a possibility that love may forsake you, threaten to break you, take everything you got. But the thing about great love is that it is a gamble and the only thing that you can do is pray to the universe that the person you hand your heart to won’t break it.

Love, it doesn’t come by easy. When love comes for you, it will sneak up behind you and it will demand to be felt. It is but a strange feeling and when this love comes, it will be up to you how to make it work.

Time heals everything works, BUT time takes SO MUCH TIME, and I can't bear it, so screw time and hand me over a shortcut.

anko-sama

redwinecoveredsympathy

I'm that bright light in the sea of darkness. ⭐✨

It's hard to wait around for something you know that will never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

Here

It is easy to take advantage of the vulnerable and lonely. While some continue to pine over those great unrequited loves, others can’t help but feel like they somehow got totally screwed.

I'm going crazy . I need to stop. I want to stop. I dont know how to stop.

How do you get over a fucking heartbreak? HOW DO YOU STOP GRIEVING?

Changes

I’m scared that I’m lost in the sea of not knowing. I was expecting a great big change with life, but mostly, it has been just .. plain. I’m in this point in my life where reality strikes that there is no easy way to become the person that I want to become. And to reach my goal, difficult decisions should be made in exchange – and I am not willing to do this.

I’m okay with what I have now. It’s not what I want for my future, but I am okay with it. But what if the change that I want for my life is not gonna happen unless I do something about it?

I am not myself

spend-infinity-with-me

You know who you are. I could never hate you. I love you so much. I hate being apart. I remember the night that we apologized for everything, and I fell even more in love with you. I fell more in love with you each day. I am pathetically lost without you. But maybe I need to be. As much as I hate being apart maybe we need this. I’m just scared that I will never actually get to see your face, hold your hand, and be with you. All that love just never be fulfilled. I’m scared of not being a part of your life anymore. I’m scared. I’m sorry.

spend-infinity-with-me (Anna)

favoritelittlelyrics

Fall Out Boy, “I’m Like a Lawyer With the Way I’m Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)”

redwinecoveredsympathy

fall out boy kind of morning

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