“Well,” Dean, who has been fully and utterly unprepared to have to deal with this in front of Cas, says. “Listen-“
“In a church,” Sam cuts in, resigned as he stares at the gathering clouds in a blood red sky. “This is because you fucked a priest in a church.”
“You what?” Cas repeats, in a tone entirely impossible for Dean to parse.
“He lived in a little building off the church!” Dean snaps. “What was I supposed to do, bring him back to the motel room where Gigantor would judge me when I kicked him out?”
“Listen,” Sam says. “I am not well versed in priest fuckery, but I’m pretty sure there is literally nowhere worse to fuck a priest than in a church.”
“It wasn’t even really in the church, you big baby-“
“And now I have to live my life, saddled to you-“
“Nobody is making you hang out with me-“
“Haunted by your bad, slutty decision-“
“Don’t slut shame you for getting freaky with a priest? Dean?”
“We actually didn’t get that freaky,” Dean mutters.
“It was a little building that was attached to the church-“
“The proximity to the church-“
“Okay,” Cas interrupts, with the bearing of a man under the impression that he is displaying an infinite fucking patience. “I fail to see how this is productive-“
“I dunno,” Sam says. “Maybe if we sacrifice Dean to God-“
“You know, your insufferable self righteousness about this should have ended right when you started shacking up with Ruby-“
“We are not sacrificing Dean to God,” Cas says flatly in his I am an Angel of the Lord voice. “We have a problem unrelated to Dean’s blasphemy. I suggest we solve it.”
“It wasn’t blasphemy,” Dean says.
“Was he in the getup, Dean?” Sam asks, in his most long suffering tone.
Dean struggles for a second, uncomfortably aware of Cas’ eyes on him.
“Well, it fit him pretty well-“
Sam turns to Cas. “All we gotta do is take him up a mountain, strap him to a big flat rock, and let nature take its course.”
Dean draws himself up. “The fuck do you mean, yet?”
Cas ignores him. “Sam, I would advise you call Rowena.”
“Dean.” Cas fixes him with a look he can’t read. “We will discuss this later.”
“I mean, we don’t have to-“
Cas vanishes, leaving Dean disgruntled as Sam walks away to call Rowena. Dean sticks his hands in his pockets out of a lack of something to do.
“Ooh, Dean, let’s dog pile on you for that time you fucked one guy,” he mumbles. “Let’s aaaaaaall gather round and judge Dean for that one time he hooked up with one priest-“
“I’m on the phone!” Sam shouts. “Sulk quieter!”
Dean picks up a pinecone and chunks it at his ginormous head, and it all devolves into chaos from there.
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