Why do I hate myself so much?
I tend to act out important conversations in my head about 300 times before I actually have the conversation. I feel the need to prepare for the worst, and, today, my therapist shed light on the fact that anything I prepare myself for someone else to say to me is really something that I think about myself. That’s why the thought is in my head at all. That sent me down a spiral, because, for me, the thought is almost always that I’m stupid and that I have no right to take up space or ask for anything. In my head, it looks like someone very close to me saying those things to me in response to my asking for something or bringing something up etc., and it hurts, and it makes me mad at that person, but in reality, that person would almost NEVER say those things to me, I just think they would because I believe them about myself. Maybe this doesn’t sound like a huge breakthrough, but it felt like a step in the right direction for me. It’s upsetting to know that I feel that way about myself, but now I can actively work on changing those thoughts. I have to accept that I may never know why I feel that way about myself, but I can at least stop myself from believing that it’s true.
