This is dedicated to all the wondering souls out there, whose journeys have taken them places they never thought possible, but woke up every day and wondered on. Here’s to hoping that this project further sparks your soul and pushes you on, as you find all the love, light and happiness you so rightfully deserve.
CONTENTS
4.Gratitude
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank The Most High, for without His mercy and forgiveness, I couldn’t imagine where the world would be right now.
I would also like to express my deepest gratitude to my mother, who has instilled in me life lessons I would have never survived without, and my father who made sure everyday i had everything I needed and never stopped till he ensured I did. I love you both more than you could ever imagine.
Not forgetting my sisters for being accepting of who I am and always laughing with me, my brothers for standing and watching, and for always being there when I needed them.
I would like to thank my aunties and uncles for their unrelenting support and encouragement.
I would like to thank my friends for being apart of this journey, for flowing with me, with hearts that knew no judgement.
I would also like to thank Jhene Aiko for musically inspiring me, your songs definitely played an important part in this process.
Thank You!
SOUL ON A PAGE
I have never been afraid of how i feel. I recognise that we are all human, and everyday we go through things that cause us to feel differently, and i am accepting of that.
When I am sad, I allow myself to feel completely sad, I however do not allow myself to remain sad. When i am happy, I live, breathe and eat happy. I fully accept what I am feeling at every moment of every day. I also understand that the way I feel is far from constant. We flow through different emotions.
Feeling has never been difficult, but sharing how I feel on the other hand, is a whole other story. I have always been very expressive, privately expressive. I have kept journals my whole life, but talking about how I feel, or being open about it had never been an option, until now.
I will never forget that day. The first time I went on stage, at a little open mic night I attended at the Urban Knights cafe, hosted every friday night, in Down Town San Francisco. I got up on stage and stood in front of complete strangers and opened a page of my journal, and just read.
I read words that meant the world to me, words that were almost too personal, words that were meant for me, words that were supposed to heal me. It was breath taking to watch people connect with my words, and how I felt. My body shook like jelly the entire time, but i heard voices from within the crowd telling me to keep on going. It was surprising to see that I was not alone, and to have people tell me that my words were their thoughts in words that weren’t theirs, Woah!
But most importantly it was amazing how I felt afterwards. I was releasing, and it felt good.
Soul on a Page is a book which will leave my soul most vulnerable, and open for you to see, with the hopes that what ever I am going through will reach someone who is going through the same. As you read these pages, I hope that you see yourself in them, as much as you hear my story. I want you to know that you are not alone in this crazy thing called life.
I may not know you, but I am flowing with you. The words within these pages are a part of who WE are. If at the end of the day, you are able to connect with this book, or just feel something about it, then my job here is done.
Read with an open heart, and you will hopefully feel your Soul on these pages.
My art is release for me, my words console me. Everything I ever put down, I only hope means something, to someone.
NOTE
“I” in this book is you too. Take ownership when ever you feel the need to.
1.
The state of wakefulness, or being conscious….
I’m really just trying to find myself. We live in a world that is so fast paced. We are all so worried about everything and everybody else, that we sometimes forget about ourselves.
I wonder how many people really know themselves.
I wonder how many realise that they don’t.
I wonder how many people wonder, just like me.
I am lost, and i’m not afraid to say that i am, because at least i am aware enough to realise it. How many people could truly say the same?
Step by step, i’m starting all over. i am searching for MYSELF.
I feel it, i feel myself, i feel the need for change, but i have never been able to quite figure out where to begin. I have come very close many times, but i throw myself off every single time, by thinking too hard about it, or trying too much to analyse it. I get distracted, or maybe a little bit misdirected, I don’t know, but either way, i lose it.
I’ve been here before, so many times, however, the difference today,however, is that I am ready. I am not running away, I am accepting. I am accepting all of my short comings, and I am consciously starting over, and this time i am not taking the baggage with me. I am leaving it all behind, maybe not all today, but eventually.
The words in this chapter, aren’t sad words, these are decisions. I am choosing today and every day after, that i will journey on, finding my self, and be that person unapologetically. I hope every time this page is read, its a reminder of the day it all started. I will find me, and i will find happiness, I will find inner peace and love, and light. Now and always.
Faced with my inner demons,
,But the soul within my soul wont let me be saved.
I cry out, reaching out, needing…
and then i stop and think,
I like this hurt, i know this hurt.
Afraid of what might come without it,
I hide in the darkness with it,
I’ve never known the light,
At least not that i can remember,
I hear its beautiful,but what do i know of beauty?
It’s all i’ve ever known.
I close my eyes and hope it stops,
I open up, but still it cuts,
Deep into my heart of hearts,
I bleed out all the good that I’ve ever known,
Consumed by the darkness I look up,
Hoping above answers lie,
But silence is all I hear.
Silence so loud it deafens me.
But louder and louder it gets ,
But the volume tunes me out.
Into my little hole I climb back in.
It’s dawn and I try again,
Hoping this time I find release.
The darkness is all i see.
I close my eyes once again, say a prayer and hold my breath.
I’m blinded by this light,
And through it a being takes my hand,
It’s another me, and I stand and stare,
I tell myself not to fear,
To let go and not even care,
For I am my greatest trepidation,
And only me can set me free.
I step back into the dark,
it’s always been home It’s all I’ve ever known
What is this light and how does it know of me?
How does it know that it is for me?
Afraid of what it might do to me I shut my eyes tight and hope it doesn’t put up a fight
I turn around and wish it away
But it reaches out and tells me it’s here to stay
Knowing not what is right,
But that nothing could be worse than this hurt I’ve only ever known,
I take a step back into the light
I open them up and it’s pretty bright.
I hear a whisper And it says, the light is yours
Remember, no one can save you, but you alone
Growing pains, thats what my mother called them. Struggling everyday, trying to figure things out, thinking hard about the person you want to be.
2.
A feeling of strong and constant affection for one or oneself.
I had an epiphany, it finally hit me. I was the problem. I was now awake, so i was starting to realise what i was doing wrong. I could see the start of all the problems. The biggest problem of all was i kept forgetting to love myself.
At that point,i knew that in order for me to progress, i would have to love myself, I had to look in the mirror and completely accept who i was. I had to allow for love to find me.I was so concerned with finding love that I was forgetting to give it. Not only was I forgetting to give it, but I refused. I allowed myself to believe I was not worthy of my own love. Imagine the irony.
Love is something we create everyday, not just something, but the most precious thing in the world, made in the most delicate part of our bodies. I somehow convinced myself that i wasn’t worthy.
I told myself that someone else needed my love, that I so carefully created, that was supposed to be perfect for me. I told myself that someone else needed it, before I could even give it to myself. Its crazy how much power the human mind possesses isn’t it?
After realising what I needed to do, I got right to it. All the things I found hard to love about myself, I did something about. I didn’t like my arms, or how my belly looked, so I worked out, I reminded myself just because my mind told me it didn’t like what it saw, didn’t mean I couldn’t change it. I didn’t like how much of a push over I was, so I began practising how to firmly stand on my two feet, and today i feel more grounded than ever. I didn’t like that i wasn’t being productive enough, so I went out and became the creative director at Haneefah International Limited by day, and a kick ass painter by night.
Little by little, I transformed myself to become the things that were easier for me to love, and I fell deeply in love with me. I have to say i am completely alright with that.
It didn’t stop there you see, what I noticed was that by loving myself, the love of others became a bonus, if it wasn’t there, it was ok, because I had enough for myself, and I could go to sleep well knowing that.
Without Words
I look straight into your ocean deep eyes,
and without a word, without a second thought,
you know exactly what is buried within my soul.
As much as i try to hide it away, like hidden treasure i do,
without words you reach out for your shovel and begin digging.
Without words you pull out that locked up chest and burst it open
Without words you remind me of all that was locked away,
all the gems and and all the jewels.
You remind me that what is locked a way, is worth much more out in the open.
You tell me the world will see exactly what you do, but only if i let it.
Without words you do it all.
Every morning i wake up,
I look into the MIRROR, straight into your ocean deep eyes,
and without a second thought,
you know exactly what is buried within my soul.
Without a word you make every thing ok again.
3.
Agreement with or belief in an idea or explanation.
I am accepting of everything for what it is. Allow me to make something really clear. We have absolutely no control over how anything works, or how other people think, or choose to perceive things. No control. No matter how hard we fight, no matter how much we try, things will always happen just as they are meant to.
Difficult concept to accept, know, but hear me out a little. “How can i just sit back, and watch it all just happen?”, that’s probably the question that is weighing heavy on you right now. Well, I have good news. It gets a lot easier to understand once you just accept the concept. You have to accept that things will always just be as they are.
The moment you accept that things will always happen the way they were designed to, is the moment you stop fighting an already lost battle.
Imagine waking up everyday and living your day exactly how you want to, and not worrying about what you could possibly do to get it all wrong. If you’re bound to make a mistake, you’re going to make it anyway. All you have to do is worry about learning from it.
Doesn’t that sound fulfilling? to not worry about every single detail, of every single day? I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty amazing to me.That is not to say, that this is an excuse to sit back and just let life consume you, and blow you around. I believe in doing my best, fighting till the end. But just also accepting, that it might not always go my way, and that ok, because it probably wasn’t even best for me anyway.
I am a believer in the concept of the “Cycle of Life”. Never ending, so in these terms, never not living, never not starting over. If it doesn’t go my way today, it may go better tomorrow or the next. Sometimes not knowing is the best part. The thrill of it all. Who wants to wake up everyday knowing where they’re going to be at every point in it anyway? Not me!
I am flowing, not forcing,
I am allowing myself to be exactly as I am,
I am growing, and I’m loving,
I am searching for something, but aren’t you too?
I might do it differently, but so do you.
4.
The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
Allowing it all to be enough.
Waking up and being thankful every morning is really a life changing habit. Being grateful for the things you have, and not worrying about that which you don’t, automatically makes everything enough. Just like magic, everything you have, becomes enough.
At this point I am grateful for me waking up and realising i needed something different. I am grateful for my heart, and how it forgave me after I didn’t receive the love it tried to give me. I am also grateful for understanding, and seeing life for what it truly is. I am grateful for being grateful, for waking up every morning and being completely ok with where i am. I am grateful for just being alive. I am grateful for love and support, and kindness. I am grateful for art, and release, and for creativity and motivation. I am grateful for life.
Remember to always be grateful. Remember to always be grateful. Remember to always be grateful.
Exploring uncharted places,
Taking my heart and soul with me,
Afraid to not.In this moment, at this very place, I AM ALIVE,
I am aware, and I am loving,
I am awake, and I am breathing.
Allowing it to do what it needs to,
As I not worry about it at all,
As I focus on this very moment.I am feeling. I. AM. GRATEFUL
I feel my soul, free.
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