Reginlad The Kid

Currently: Figuring it out.

[reginlad]

Rose Tinted

Dear Friend,

Things have been almost-okay lately. There's been some stuff that I won't bore you with for the sake of brevity but i had a really interesting series of thoughts lately spurred on by a lot of introspection.

I find myself having way more time than I usually have nowadays, and to keep from collapsing into a black hole I've been randomly scrolling through anything scrollable. One of those things is old Facebook messages.

I barely use Facebook nowadays-- only to talk to my siblings and nothing more, really. However, that also means that my message history has become kind of a time capsule for all my past messages and stuff through the years. The particular thread that caught my interest tonight was the one I had from us-- from me and her. From before it "got bad", I guess.

I've been thinking a lot about those times-- not necessarily in a "trying to get over it" or "listlessly pining for the past" kind of way, but moreso in the vein of athletes reviewing their footage to critique themselves. I mean, I've been trying to do better with how I communicate so what's a better learning device than a past self that I'm far enough detached from that I don't recognize? Anyways....

I was scrolling back through and found an old video of me and my niece, which prompted more digging to try and find some more cute nostalgic stuff, and I came across the messages we had exchanged when I was forced to use an Internet based messenger to communicate overseas. This was during the time I was in the Philippines for my brother's wedding so suffice to say I was distracted. Hoping that was the main reason why I sucked at active listening, I continued to trudge backwards in time.

What I found wasn't really all that bad, but by God I wonder how we had gotten along so well through messaging, or rather how I was able to maintain any sort of relationship, considering how much I obviously lacked from a back-and-forth writing perspective. Not saying that I behaved altogether interested, but by golly I seem like such a bore. I understand now why she had yearned for me to actually write something for her back then.

I guess it's some cruel irony that I take more care and time to craft written thoughts about her now that we're so far removed from each other's lives than I feel like I ever did while we were in a relationship.

At the risk of sounding like I'm being any bit revisionist, I'd like to reiterate that, big picture-wise, I wasn't horrible, but seeing now the guy that she had chosen to stick with, I wonder why he seemed so disinterested at times, and how we were able to maintain ties for so long with that. In some way I feel bad about it, but I also gotta be at least a little bit thankful. Without that dumbass's message history, I certainly wouldn't have such robust study material.

I dunno, maybe I've just kinda been on a wave of taking the piss out of my past self but I wonder now in what ways me from 5 years from now will look back on the me of today and cringe. I hope that I am doing enough to mitigate that but I guess the only truly objective opinion I can trust is that of a second-hand observer.

Strange though, that regardless of my former me's obviously lacking skills, I still got the impression that he very much loved and was in love. Maybe my perspective is colored a bit by the degree to which I still view those times as the "good 'ole days", but I've been doing a lot of coming to terms with the reality that you never fully appreciate the "good times" til they pass.

The train is most beautiful and tragic as it leaves the station. The scenery-- scents and smells, while losing their vivaciousness, gain what they've lost in sheer impact; only in retrospect.

I've been grappling with quite a degree of melancholy lately and it feels good to spill my words onto some virtual paper for the first time in a while.

I guess that the thought I'll leave off with is that even though she had that version of me that sucked so badly at writing anything close to the embodiment or breadth of his inner dialogue, she still believed that I had it in me to be a writer-- throwaway comments or not.

Only now, having been briefly published and no longer having her by my side, do I really appreciate a past that is as gorgeous as it is deceiving.

Rose-tinted.

I hope this letter finds you well

Your friend,

Regi

[reginlad]

Nostalgic.

Dear Friend,

I was on Google Photos today just browsing through my memories. It's crazy how much I don't remember-- how much things and people that mattered to me simply fade in and out of my memory. I stumbled into pictures of folks that I haven't spoken with in a while, people that I'd shared so much with over the years. I'm glad I have this repository, for better and for worse.

One of my best friends from high school sent me an invite to his wedding the other day. Maybe that's what prompted all of this, but I can't help but not feel the forward march of time until shit like this happens. It makes me worry a little bit to be completely honest with you.

Funny enough, I also stumbled into pictures of her-- of the girl I used to call my little sister. I got really listful for a while. I miss what we were to each other, and I'm sad at the way things are. It's funny how I'm more willing to repair and create new bonds with her than I am with my own parents. That's how much she meant to me-- and in some ways still does. I just, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I've gotten enough justification that my heart would be safe in her hands anymore. That I'm still the same person that needs or wants her in my life. I worry.

Life has been going pretty darn good lately which is why I've been getting all introspective lately, I guess. I dunno, I guess I felt that if I didn't write this down I'd lose this feeling too.

I love clenching onto the things that once mattered to me. The bright spots and memories, the low points and heartache; all of it. I have a shitty recollection of events as they transpire unless I have a reason to revisit them. My relationship with chronology has been strained to say the least lately, and I'm not quite sure what the reason is.

I thought I was out of the woods in terms of my seasonal depression, but it's hard to tell whether I'm on an upswing or how far down I really swung.

I dunno. I chronicle myself by the people around me, so I've been taking way more pictures than before. As much as my memory has faded over the years, I think that's the thing I've begun to cling to the hardest--

Nostalgia.

I send my love,

Regi

[reginlad]

Homecoming 12-3-2022

Hey friend,

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I just got back from camp so I've still got a foggy brain considering all the festivities and stress that went on. I just kinda wanted to jot some things down in case it all got too jumbled up to remember later on.

A couple things have been bothering me since I left.

One was that she really hasn't grown much at all since the time I'd been away.

The other is that my memory has been getting worse lately.

It's not to the point where I reallly need to be worried, but I'm afraid that the amnesia gaps in between occurrences makes me more of a liability than an asset at this point in my life.

'm not quite sure where it's coming from, but I've become painfully aware that something is causing me to dissociate really badly, and it's been hard to keep myself grounded in situations where I don't know what to do with myself.

It's odd, really. I used to think that it happened because I didn't feel particularly strongly about staying within a group-- that I couldn't really say I was part of a crowd or vital to any gathering's existence.

Shit, just writing that out makes me feel like I'm being so conceited, but I think this year was the first time in a while that I felt like a foundational cog in the "machine". In that situation where so many people had eyes out for me or relied on me, I thought that I was going to be fine.

There was a thing that happened with my phone that really fucked with my perception of chronology and the order of events in which they happen. Usually, I think of this as a good thing because I feel that it allows me to live in the moment freely, but this time around it was different.

It's probably do to a list of reasons but the fact of it happening at all just really shook me in a way that was really uncomfortable, and I really hope that it's not something that becomes so much worse as time goes by.

I don't know, I've had a really shitty relationship with memory and visualization so it's hard for me to even consider an even worse condition for myself.

Thankfully, I was the only one affected but I'm hoping that there never comes a time where I have to step away simply because I couldn't manage that-- because I couldn't manage myself.

In any case, I'll be keeping an eye on it for now, and hopefully vigilance will help control the symptoms. If not, then I'll be sure to try and find someone or something to help.

As for the other thing, well...

I dunno, after interacting with people of a bunch of different age groups, it's clear to me that the immaturity she has is much deeper ingrained than I thoughnt. I mean, it's normal to want to take care of your inner child, but part of growing up is arming yourself with the tools to deal with those feelings in a proper time and place, and I think that it's hard to do that when you just let the kid run free all the time.

I dunno, I'm not necessariuly the most mature guy out of the bunch, but I'd like to think that tactfulness is a trait that one would generally aspire to.

I don't know where I'm really going with this but I think I've just made up my mind on certain things and I'm going to try and stay conscious of it in the future, if for nothing else other than my personal wellebeing.

Anyways, I've already talked your ear off, and I don't want to delay any further. This past year has been incredibly wonderful-- one that will sure be a bright spot in my life. As for what the futuree holds, I'm not sure how that will turn out, but I know things will be fine.

Whether they're good or bad, shitty or euphoric, I know I'll be fine.

Here's to life at 8/10.

I hope you're happier now than last year, too.

Yours always,

Regi.

[reginlad]

To: You

Dear You.

I know it's been a while since we last spoke. I don't even know if you're still even following me on here, or if this letter will ever get to you. If it does, I hope this letter finds you in good health. Despite everything, I do still wish better for you.

Things have been pretty good ever since we stopped talking. I think that the circumstances surrounding us at the time were really difficult to have to sort through. I know that for me, it felt like getting dragged into a fight that wasn't mine; forced to take sides in a situation where no fight needed to happen. There was hurt all around and I take responsibility for my part in that. I don't take back any of what I said though, because I honestly believed the things I said; I still do.

Trying to keep this as vague as possible without making it obvious about who I'm talking about is kinda difficult all things considered, but I do have some things I left unsaid that I wish I told you before. Not that there weren't chances, it just never felt like the right time.

What you did wasn't too fucked up. I mean, I get it. I'd been there before. We've talked about the way people reshape their truth in order to take control of their narrative so, I get it. There's just some people we need to believe certain things in order to protect what we need to protect. That's never an easy line to balance, but it's a line that we can only find by crossing. I just wished that I wasn't caught in the crossfire of that.

At the end of it all, I wish better for you.

I'm not gonna mince words and go out of my way to say that I'm at the point now where I can honestly wish for the best for you or that your life is easy or anything like that, but I want you to know that of all the things we shared, the sad part inside me misses you hopes that one day we'll find each other again. I know I still have work to do on myself. I'm sure you feel that way too. I think going out of my way to impose distance between us has been my own way of trying to stem the probability of toxicity from developing between us. Is that unfair? Sure. But I think I was at a point where I didn't want to be put in a place where I had to decide which would be harder-- continuing, or letting go. So, I decided for us.

In the meantime, I have a lot of twisted up feelings when it comes to you-- to us. Every now and again I'll reflect on parts of my soul, and I'll see the little spots you touched. The parts you helped hem together. All the radiant memories and even the dull murky ones too, they're all there. As painful as it can be to hold on to them, I do still hold them special to me. For that point in our lives, for what was happening, we were exactly what we needed. I know that doesn't come around very often, and I hope you know that I still appreciate that-- above all the bullshit.

So, where does that leave us?

I've gone my own way, and you have yours. You're not really blocked on my main socials so that avenue's open to you, should you feel the need for it. Seeing you a couple weeks ago, I wasn't sure how you'd react to me; nor me to you. What's for certain is that there is definitely still love there, and I mean that wholeheartedly. however, with all that being said, I don't think we're ready for each other quite yet. I know I've helped you grow through the years, and you for me. However I think that the past year has been a time of identity crisis for you, and when there's growth, there's growing pains. Seeing as how things "ended" between us, I didn't think I had the space for you to properly grow into who you needed to be. I still don't. One reason being that I didn't like who you "needed" to be. I wanted better for you. I still do.

You were at one point my sun and moon. You grounded me when I felt untethered. You sheltered my heart while I struggled to pick up its pieces, and you taught me to try again-- to love again. For that, I'm forever grateful. My last courtesy for you is to leave the door open. As much trepidation as I feel about you wandering down the wrong path, I wish very much for us to greet each other as better people some day.

I hope you still find comfort in our radiant memories like I do. I wish you many more like them, even if they have nothing to do with me.

Yours in light,

Kya

[reginlad]

Something from Nothing

Sweatpants and soju Nuggets for two We'll stare at the ceiling And ask "what to do?" I'll grab my keys and Head out with you Cause we know what's up When there's nothing to do

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind talking to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

You'll send me a joke And I'll send you one back We'll go on for hours 'Till we run out of snacks We'll share what's been hurting What's been on our minds 'Cause I've got your back And I know you have mine

Our days will be filled With some smiles and some tears With the whole gang around or just us two 'Cause there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

When you've shuttered windows And locked all your doors Muted your cell phone And can't take no more I will come knocking And stay by your side You don't have to force it If you just need to hide

It could be something that happened Or something you did But I'll be here with you To open the lid We'll pour it all out 'Till the pressure's released Together we'll make it through 'Cause there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

I'd have nothing If I couldn't do nothing With you

This one goes out to the real ones, you know who you are. Told ya I'd be a bit happier on here. The song this is based off of is "Nothing" by Bruno Major. Something about the music really hit me, and for once in a blue moon I felt really inspired to write something. I don't have anyone that I'm romantically involved with this moment, but I have a close few that I love to death. Without them, I wouldn't be around. I guess in a way, putting those feelings to music is the best way I can really express what I have to say. It ain't really all of it, but the spirit's there. I hope you enjoy.

Love always,

Regi

[reginlad]

Letters

Dear friend,

I started writing letters the other night. I think it's a healthier way for me to voice a lot of the affirmations I keep in my head. In my last relationship, there was a point where my ex was losing reasons to love themselves. It was a very rough time for the both of us. Around that time I resolved myself to find a new reason to love her every day. It was an exercise that I carried out that helped keep my brain sharp, and also helped me appreciate the little things about our time together. It's been a while since I really tried to use that part of my brain, but when I put pen to paper, the words just kept coming out. After something weird happened with my memory happened a couple days ago, I feel like I need to keep these things somewhere. Maybe I'll share them, maybe not. But honestly, I'm just glad I can read back these words and remember the wonderful people who've shaped me. Def a sappier post than I'm used to making, but a welcome one, to be sure.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

I have two end goals.

1. The time will come when the ones who feel like they need me won't.

2. I'll feel like I need me at all.

Felt like I just needed to write this down somewhere.

I'll probably expound on this later.

Idk, just a weird week.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

Safety in the storm.

Dear friend,

I very recently went through my first panic attack. It was a weird experience because I've always been on the other end of one-- being the presence of comfort. Having it happen to me was wild. Luckily, I had a friend who was able to talk me down and cool me off, but it was strange.

I don't think many folks have felt the sensation of actively dying within your own head. Whether it's a loss of agency over your sense of self or soemthing else entirely, it's hard to really explain what it's like if you haven't been there before. And even then, there are different degrees and conditions in which panic attacks happen.

Last night, I had another panic attack.

It was strange, but when, where, and how it happened is something I wanted to write down and have to look back on in the future.

I don't want to get too deep into the other things going on in my life right now because I don't think they're immediately relevant to this particular episode, but I should disclose here that there's some other shit going on in my life that are causing some tension and fear in my head. That being said, going into yesterday, or rather two days ago now, I didn't necessarily have a terrible state of mind, which is why this felt like it kinda came out of the blue for me.

Anyways, I was babysitting with DMT and SM, and by the end of the night I felt pretty spent. Something happened immediately afterward that caused some stress in all of us, so we were eager to go home and shake it off collectively.

We had a couple of drinks and spent the night talking and giggling about this and that. Eventually, I got exhausted and knocked out for the night. I was asleep for all of about 2 hours when whatever it was I was dreaming about went sour. I found myself in a state between sleep and consciousness, but still inebriated to some degree. In this state, I felt a certain fear grip my chest and I felt like crying, while at the same time not having any agency over where my emotions were driving me.

Apparently this led to me fidgeting and rustling quite a bit which woke up SM and she asked me what was wrong. In the moment I genuinely didn't know. Upon looking back, I'm still uncertain if there's any one thing that could have triggered it, but here's what was happening.

We were snuggled up in bed with her between my arms-- something that I hadn't felt in a while. I had told her and a couple other people that I missed physical intimacy. However, the other component to that is that the past couple of people that I had allowed myself to be physically with ended up leaving me with negative experiences, so I guess in a way I'm traumatized by that situation.

So, when I woke her up, she sat me up and asked me what was wrong. What I said could best be described as incoherent, but it was at that point that DMT came back into the room and asked why we were "still" awake. We're both night owls so it wasn't completely out of the question for the two of us to have stayed up. SM described the situation and DMT parsed that what I went through was a panic attack.

A panic attack. In my sleep.

I think in any other situation, things may have gotten really hairy, but we were able to talk it out a little more and I slowly came down from that emotional moment and was able to anchor myself in the realization of the truth.

DMT laid down with the two of us and we spent the rest of that morning talking about the old days and reminiscing about our history-- cringing about our past transgressions against one another, but also admiring how far along we'd come. While we spoke she held my hand, and I genuinely felt safe.

We were all three snuggled up together after a certain point, and I think that I felt an open wound slowly but carefully be sewn shut.

One of the primary ways I express love and care for other people is through physical touch. I try to respect boundaries as much as I can and am generally very shy about being physical with other people, so those interactions in my life are scarce, and thus, far more affecting and impactful.

It doesn't take much for me to share about myself with people I trust as deeply as these two. I think that the hardest part of it all was just allowing myself to slowly come down and make sense of it. They allowed me a lot of patience and understanding. They gave me the space I needed to feel like I could struggle with this part of myself that had been hurting for so long that I guess I had tried to block it out of my memory.

I can't guarantee that it won't happen again, and now that I'm aware that it can happen to me, it's helped me make sense of some of my insomnia.

I just wanted to take this time to write this down because I'm so grateful that even in the middle of such a tumultuous situation, I was able to feel anchored and safe. That's definitely something that I wouldn't be able to give myself at this point in time, considering I'm still reckoning with the reality of it.

Safety-- true safety, is few and far in between. Whether it's a place, or a person, I hope you're able to find it.

I'm still unsure what I ever did to deserve such wonderful people being in my life, but I'm beyond lucky that they're here.

I guess that's it; I really fucking love and miss my safety blankets, that's all.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

Something Happier: Addendum

Dear friend,

I always feel weird when someone does something nice for me and I don't return the favor. I think out of the past handful of times anyone has voiced their appreciation for me, the person who's done so the most is someone who I call my little sister.

Let me explain.

Without getting too deep in the details, my family moved here to the US when I was about to be born. My siblings are all at least 9+ years older than me and had lived completely different lives than what I was about to experience. I would later come to find out that they had all been raised and watched over by the community they lived in. I was a different story.

There's bits and pieces of our family tree sprinkled all around the US, and even some of them settling down near the places we've called home. However, I was the first and only child to have truly experienced what it was like to be raised primarily by my parents-- or so I've been told.

Years pass and things change. Wedges are driven between me and my siblings, and by the time I hit 12 I was already feeling like an only child. That put me in a weird situation because I knew what it was like to have siblings-- or at least I felt it. I felt it even more when they were gone. I mourned the loss of my sense of "family". That was me for much of junior high, and all of high school.

I made a good amount of friends, found love, lost love, learned a lot, and so on; but deep down I always felt as though I was looking for family wherever I went. I was chasing the idea that had been placed in my head about what it was like to have a whole unit to rely on. I was lucky to find the folks I found, but everyone has gone on to live their own lives and be their own people with their own tribes and families since then. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold that over anyone, and I appreciate the time I got with those people; and any time I will get with those wonderful individuals. But in those little hours that I'm able to look back fondly on our time together, I miss them dearly.

Eventually, I met her.

Her dad was the band director for the group I was part of at the time. He taught me musicianship and helped me along my path, from trying to find my own way through the world, to navigating romance as an asian american, to teaching me about what it was like to try and live half your life as a creative, and the other half as the "shit you need to do to enable your creativity" part. He taught me a lot, and I love him and his family very much.

He passed away in 2018.

I was incredibly shaken by this revelation, considering the fact that I had just seen him a couple days prior. By this point I was already living in LA and was in the middle of trying to get my life sorted out. I figured that when I finally got settled, I'd be able to put into practice all the things I was able to glean from him and find a way to make the most out of being a creative living in one of the biggest entertainment centers of the world. He was supposed to see me "make it".

He left behind a wife and a daughter. His wife was a firm foundation for a lot of our bandmates. A solid support whenever we needed her. While I doubt any of our individual issues could ever be considered in the same realm as each other, she treated us all with the same love and care regardless. They both did. So, when we got the news and heard when the funeral was, we all came rushing back from our little corners of the world. There were folks throughout our shared history that I recognized, and even more that I'd collaborated with. But, in the midst of all the people who had come, who else would I see but a little girl wandering through with a familiar listless look in her eyes?

I can't quite pinpoint exactly what had started us off on the relationship we have now. Probably something along the lines of me trying to reach out with memes and jokes, offering a shoulder to cry on, and just taking more time to be physically present in her life, but we've gotten to a point where I can honestly say she knows more about me than most folks in my life do, and I can say with confidence that she feels the same way about me. The thing I love most about us is that it goes both ways.

I don't want to try and relate losing a parent to having your heart broken (because I mean, bro wtf who would say that those two are in the same league) but my life had turned completely upside down when my relationship ended in 2019. If you want to read more about that, you can take a quick look through my sad boye tumblr posts and see the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past 2 years, but what lies at the core of all those posts is someone who's spent at least some degree of time bouncing these thoughts and feelings off someone else, for fear they might rattle around in their own head and cause some serious injury. Who else would be there for me but that familiar listless little girl?

It really is strange how things work out. I didn't try to replace the slot of a father figure in her life, nor did I want to. I've never been of the attitude that things need to look like the mold they came out of in order to be "good", "right", or "healthy". Part of that was us dealing with our own degrees of loss. Speaking just from my point of view, however, I gotta say that I can't understate what her presence in my life has done for me. She's been an ironing board for my thoughts, a quiet place in the storm, and my accomplice when chasing dumb happy impulses.

----

There's a beautiful practice in Japan called Kintsugi. It's used as a means of fixing shattered things-- porcelain, ceramics, glass, etc. You could say it's similar to making a stained glass window or a mosaic, but there's nothing quite like Kintsugi. What makes it so special is that when you go to fix the broken thing, you sand down the edges and assemble the pieces in such a way that the adhesive that is used to fix the item in question becomes a vital part of the item when it is whole. Where there was once damage and brokenness has been carefully prepared to accept the glue-- and over top of that is a layer of gold, not to hide or mask where the brokenness has occurred, but to celebrate where the fixing and healing has happened.

My little sister is the gold between the seams of my life. I mean, other people are too, but like I alluded to in the beginning of this post, I feel weird when I don't do nice sentimental things in return to people I care about. Now you have some sort of idea as to why I see her as someone so near and dear to me, I hope you understand.

Truthfully, I look at these past couple years and I still see a lot of pain. There's a lot of of issues I haven't addressed, many things that have flown under the radar that are going to take a while to detect and understand. However, even moreso than the damage and the trauma, I see the golden seams where the healing has taken place. I feel her there when I realize I'm going down the rabbit hole and I finally stop and tell myself to stop being so hard on my own heart. She's the nagging feeling I get when I'm too busy to eat, and the tug I get to take care of hydration and personal hygiene (even if I still suck at remembering to moisturize my face after washing it). She's in the pop punk songs I sing alone in the car to stay awake. She's in the gentle ballads I practice at night when I can't sleep-- because it's important to remember that you can sing love songs to yourself, too.

--

I'm not scared for when people leave my life, because there's parts of them holding me together, like wonderful little patches on your favorite quilted blanket. Even when they go and live their own lives, the memory lives on in the places that I find the most warmth.

The people who've entered and have chosen to stay in my life are few and far in between, but I cherish each and every one of them. Today, I just wanted to take the time to celebrate one of my favorite parts.

Little sister, when you read this, I want you to know that out of all the words I have ever known and all the words I will ever learn, I could never find a way to put them all together that does any justice to the good you've done for me. Thank you for being the gold between my seams. You've made the past couple years worth living through. I hope that when people see the best parts of me, they think of you.

Love yourself. Be kind. Give yourself the space and patience you give others. Above all things, remember that you have the power to save lives;

because you saved mine.

Sincerely,

Kuya

[reginlad]

Something happier.

Dear Friend,

Somewhere around the beginning of spring I had the feeling that I was making concessions with my own brain and financial stability. Financial stability is great and I'm still super grateful for the people who got me here, but I felt like I didn't have time to be me.

I had a talk with my best friend not so long ago about how when I was living in LA, the few times we'd get to hang out she had the gut feeling that something about me was "off". Not in like an unhinged way, just in that weird "existential dread you put yourself in" kind of way.

A few months ago I realized I was slipping back into the same habits-- neglecting my own wants and desires and allowing my own mental health to deteriorate in order to sit in the comfort that I found.

I thought about it for a while and had a talk with a colleague. I told him that I figured I'd leave our job and keep looking for something else that would make me happy and pay the bills, regardless of how big or small my margins were after the math was done. I told him I was 27 and I'm still young enough to be reckless. Being from Russia, he told me that the mentality was way different, that he wanted to start settling down and climbing the corporate ladder however he could; but that he respected my ability to even see life the way I did. He wished me luck as we parted, two comets, passing each other for a moment before shooting off in completely different directions. I quit my job the following day.

Recently, I had the chance to chat with my best friend about our podcast. We talked about how we wanted to put enough work into it to be proud of what we made. Don't get me wrong, I love our little show, but there's so much more we wanna do-- so much that it feels a little overwhelming at times. Like, I don't even know where to begin with half the shit we discussed.

The next few years are gonna be full of changes and shifts. While having a job in med tech was nice (or rather, the pay was), I think I prefer hiking through shifting sands than trudging through the same boring pavement over and over.

Back in 2019 I made a commitment to myself that I'd follow what made me happy, and embrace the chaos that came with it.

I'm happy to say that I am nervously and cautiously keeping my word.

I hope you find your peace.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

Back to black.

Hello friend,

It's been a while, I know. Still not quite sure what to put here. My brain has been a swirling mess as of late but I wanted to get something down that says something about what I'm going through now.

It's been a year since I moved back to SJ from LA. It wasn't until around June that I could really take a full on sigh of relief but I didn't imagine that less than a year later, I'd feel the same constriction around my insides since.

I'm doing well, I have people surrounding me (at a safe distance) and a job that keeps the lights on. The problem is more existential than it is concrete, so let me just take the time to really detail what happened.

February of last year I went to the beach with Cattien. This was the trip that really put the nail in the coffin for any hopes I had for us having any sort of relationship. You can read about it in one of my previous letters, I don't have it in me to really go into detail here. All you need to know is that this experience really did a number on what I thought was reality-- the situation with her, and the relationship I had with myself.

It was the push I needed to realize that I was simply deluding myself into thinking things were going to inevitably work out.

There are other factors, and I don't want to discount them, but the simplest way I can say it is that I had an idea of where I was in life, and where I was going, and after that Valentine's day, I had less of an idea of that than at any other point in my life.

Fast forward one year and I was celebrating my first date. We wandered around downtown San Jose and settled on a fancy little spot. We chatted, talked about things, and I felt warm in a way that I hadn't in a while. Life was good and I was happy. At least, for a time..

Shortly after that I had an episode. Although, "had" is an inaccurate and borderline disingenuous word. I'm still in it. I don't know where or why it's happening, but it's happening and I'm trying to roll with it. Unfortunately, the way I cope with things is by shutting down and only really allowing access to my head to people I have history with, and unfortunately, my Valentine is not one of them.

Coupling that with some of her own issues, it's been a terrible time, and I can't help but feel guilty for the thing I am doing to her for being this... broken.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this. I'm trying to stay logical about it. I finally told my sister that I started having depressive episodes back when I had first started living alone after everyone else went to the Philippines. That was a bit of a weight of my chest but I still feel it there. That's really the only way I can verbalize the depression I feel. At this point, I question whether I'm actually coping, or just compartmentalizing the void that I feel in my chest.

All of this is just a long-winded and roundabout way to say that I mourn the man that I used to be. When I got defensive, I used to be able to allow myself to find solace in folks who cared about me, and not just folks I deeply cared for. I can't help but feel selfish, and wonder at whether my ex has robbed me of the ability to love unconditionally.

It fucking sucks.

Hopefully next time I write will be under better circumstances, but in the meantime, I hope this letter finds you well. Whenever you get to this, know that I love and care for you. I thank you for bearing witness to my struggle. I think that deep down, I have a fear of no one knowing or caring about whether or not I exist.

I'm afraid that if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one is around it hear it, it never makes a sound. I am afraid that I am that tree.

I am afraid that I won't figure my way through this one.

I am afraid that this eventually becomes the end of me.

I'm afraid that love isn't enough because my ex told me so.

I am afraid that the person I used to be-- the man who was capable of loving so deeply and so earnestly is truly gone.

I am afraid.

Take care of yourself, friend.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

"To write this down is means to reconcile..." (11-2-2020)

Hey friend,

Today I looked at her instagram for the first time in months.

She looks the same as I always remembered, but she's not who she was when we first fell in love.

But then again, neither am I.

I'm not one to get super cheesy about personal development...

But I'm proud of myself.

As much as I miss what we had, I've been finding peace with the memories I have of us. This time, without letting the ending spoil the rest of the story.

Embers and Envelopes, I guess.

I hope you are well. Stay safe, vote, take care of yourself, and don't forget to let love in.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

Well, then. (9-19-2020)

Dear stranger,

I looked at your social media account today and felt nothing.

You know, it was hard to get to a place where I could even think about the possibility that I might one day be over you. I guess that shows how far I've come these past few months.

The more I learned to focus on myself and what I could do to be happy just gave me less time to make room for you in my head.

And as odd as it is to say, if it wasn't for how hard you pushed me away, I never would have gotten here so quickly.

So in a way, I'm thankful. I'm really happy with the life I have right now. It wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for the horrible things you did to me.

If that sounded a bit backhanded, I didn't mean it to be, sincerely. I'm sure you did the best you could do for yourself with the options and insight available to you. I don't think I'll ever come to truly understand the kind of pain I put you through, as I'm sure I will never know if you will ever come to understand in what way you twisted my life around, but should these letters ever find you, I guess I'd like to thank you.

Thank you for making it quick and easy to get over you.

So, have a wonderful life. I hope you find people that remind of you of the things you love about being alive. I hope your job offers you more than just money. I hope you find pursuits that fill your soul. I hope your family is proud of you. I pray from the bottom of my heart that you make a life worth living.

I hope you find in someone else what you were missing in our relationship.

So, goodbye for good.

It was a fun ride, Cattien.

See you around.

Sincerely,

Regi

[reginlad]

"Y'know, pointing out that I'm letting myself suck right now doesn't make me feel better."

"Yeah, it's not supposed to; it's supposed to make you mad."

And then he gave me a hug, and he told me he loved me.

[reginlad]

Midnight Snack (5-8-2020)

Dear friend,

Today was hard.

I really didn't have any reasons as to why I'd feel so down on myself today, so I figured it was just another wave just sucking me out to open sea.

I tried sleeping it off, but it didn't really work that well.

I just really didn't feel like caring about myself today.

My sister just came in and gave me hotdogs unprompted.

She knocked a couple times earlier but I tried to ignore it. I don't know why, but I felt really guilty about making her worry about me, and I thought that maybe if I just kept quiet and kept to myself, she'd stop knocking and go to sleep so I could pull myself out of this rut, and everything would be better in the morning

But that isn't how she operates.

She made me hot dogs and quietly smiled and closed the door.

I cried.

I can't remember the last time someone did that for me.

Isn't that sad?

It's been really hard to care about myself lately.

But I'm really lucky to have people around that care about me.

I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have people around you that care for you in the way that you need most.

It'll save your life.

With love,

Regi

[reginlad]

Vivid.

I had a dream about you today.

I had a dream that we went to Vegas like we said we always wanted to do. We were there with old friends and new, surrounded by laughter and smiles.

We were still together-- or at least it seemed like we were. It felt like we still knew how to talk to each other.

The dream played in reverse, strangely.

At the end of it, we were waiting for friends to join us for the long drive. I was still living on Millbrook, and everything had turned out perfectly from much earlier on in our relationship.

Sometimes I wonder, at what point in our lives had we fallen behind what would've been the best route for us?

You're probably wondering why I'm writing about her again so soon.

The dreams that I keep to myself have a tendency to become deja vu.

As much as I miss the way we used to make each other feel--

I don't want to feel that anymore.

Not with her.

Not now.

Sincerely,

Regi.

[reginlad]

I will accept no substitutions or discounts from the things I have outlined. No one undeserving of my trust and forgiveness will ever receive it. Period.