thoughts, things, etc.

the pain we shared, the laughs and cries, all the evil lullabies

[relaxingworldofme]

don’t panic [extended edition]

[relaxation]

calming, instrumental music

comfortable, quiet place to sit

gently exhale, count down from 20, let your mind sink into a relaxed state of mind.

to go deeper into this, start with the relaxation of your physical body. move your focus to different parts of your body, relaxing each section as your go. 

1 [connection]

focus on your consciousness:

picture it as a white light surrounding your body in a bubble of peaceful, gentle, loving energy. 

imagine it expanding to those around you, those you love and those you don’t

2 [gratitude] 

keep a reminder of five to 10 things you are grateful for: big or small. 

express gratitude for each thing. 

recall how they made you fell by using all five senses

smell, touch, taste, sound, vision 

3 [forgiveness] 

bring to mind anyone who you have had conflict with 

apologize for any harm you have caused 

forgive them in return

4 [visualizing: your perfect future]

visualizing all different aspects of your life as you want them to unfold in the next two to three years

[relaxingworldofme]

[co]-[exist]

in a world full of so many things, why would you spend your time negatively impacting others? why would you hate someone based upon something they cannot change? recently, i simply just can’t agree with certain aspects of most facebook-democratvsrepulican-christianvsathetist-arguments. i don’t know what i want to believe, but here’s my thought process: 

✝ G O D, the Spirit in the Sky, is real, but he goes by different names in different eyes.  The ‘big brother’ I believe in isn’t exactly what your typical Southern Baptist Church would preach nor believe in. My biggest ‘what if’ is the depiction of the burning pits of hell; the term, even the place, was made up to scare people into doing everything morally correct as we’re living and breathing. that brings another question to the table: what is morally right? 

♧ what is morally correct and what is ‘correct’ only because a mass majority believe it to be so? some may argue that a wrong action can be justified if done for the right reasons. it’s hard to say if any thing is really considered ethically correct, because we only see what is true, not what ought to be ture. having good intentions doesn’t mean you’re a good person. thus, i can’t make up my mind about a certain, particular religion i agree with. purely because when arguing over ethical ideas, most use their own ideologies and institutions to define if they are correct or not.

why does simply living having to be so difficult?

just be kind to one another and live your own life ☯

[relaxingworldofme]

underneath the mask

one of the world’s biggest issues is everyone is only a reflection of who they truly want to be. the mask everyone is holding blocks the true, unfiltered versions of themselves. we spend so much time trying to make our life look so pretty for likes and hearts, we fail to see the beauty within a moment. instead of embracing it, we think of what caption can go with the picture. while my ultimate life goal with writing is to be completely unfiltered, it’s my own personal goal to start living outside of the realm of thumb’s up, views, and likes. my goal is to do things that i want to do, and do them only for myself. 

my life, although sometimes tragic, is beautiful. 

everything & everyone has genuine, certain beautifulness about themselves. i don’t need to exactly broadcast it, but to appreciate some.

A N G E R;

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO SHOUT! 

scream into a wide open field

not about anything in particular, but i feel as if that may be the healthiest way to let out those kinds of energies/vibes. i feel no hate in my heart for anyone, not anymore at least. i’ve deiced my heart isn’t a place for people who only plan to stay for a little while, but rather, for the people who have seen my true heart and chose to stay. 

my anger has always played a huge role in my life, like who knew someone so short and stubby could be filled with so much hate. however, more recently, it’s gotten much better. part of me feels like it is because i have let go of this fake persona of who my parents wanted me to be a just, quite simply, be me. forming my own thoughts, making my own decisions, without calling mom/dad first. it’s not only my freedom from home, but a freedom from my whole mind. i know, i can tell, it upsets them sometimes.  my open minded persona has been my favorite, even more lately. i’d rather be known for my ability to love and to nurture, than my mastered ability of hate and destroy, without even properly thinking it through. 

it’s gotten so much better, because this whole thing was supposed to purely be about anger, but i had to bounce around and not reflect on it too much. now, if only i could do that all the time . . . .

[relaxingworldofme]

unknown fears

DATED: 2017, January 

when it rains at night and i’m driving a long way away, there is this moment where i don’t know what is going to happen to me. 

due to the wonderful joy of an astigmatism, the way lights hit off the ground, everything goes white for just half a second.  

in that moment, i don’t fear, or even hold my breath. 

in that moment, i’m calm and at total, complete peace. 

half is i have always craved a dance with death; half is i know i have lived my life to the fullest, given each and every moment i’ve had. 

[relaxingworldofme]

[un]titled

DATED: 2017, JANUARY 

there was a time where i fantasied about love. i stayed awake and stared at the ceiling, remembering every boy i could love endlessly. i wasn’t afraid of the consequences of the unhappy endings. 

But then, i started to fantasize about you.

for being the first person i ever fell in love with, i didn’t know how to love correctly; not even close. you tricked me into thinking love meant compromise, but only from my side. you taught me to apologize, even when it was not my fault. you convinced me that loving you meant needing you. 

so,

because of you, i lay awake crossing out names on my imaginary list. too scared of loving someone that hard again, because the thought alone of being consumed that much by someone is overwhelming, especially in the way you took over me. 

i’ve found a solace in being alone, simply because of all the heartache you have brought me. 

if i never love again, it’s entirely your fault. 

[relaxingworldofme]

bitterness

DATED: 2016, October 

i’m okay. i’m doing fine. and i know you’re trying to start over on a clean slate, even if that means leaving every single person who cares and loves for you and who has been there for you in your darkest but it’s okay. we’re okay. if you’re happy, do it. but just know what you’re leaving behind know that the family you’re leaving will always be there for you even if you aren’t always there for us and we will welcome you in open arms for when you want to come home. i’m happy for you i wish i was able to suppress all the feelings i have for you but i guess this finally proves i love you more.

does she know anything about you? does she love all the parts i love? does she love the little dents in your ear? does she love the way your voice fills auditoriums, or hallways, filling everyone with joy? does she love the way you hold the steering wheel, trying your hardest to not look at her in the passenger seat? does she love your friends even though they may not like her? does she love your sisters and your mom and talk to them and make sure they’re okay? does she love the way you run your hands through her hair, calming her every move? does she love the stutter of your voice and the sigh after you’ve realized you made a mistake because of your lisp? does she love you even after picking you up off the ground, after you’ve been completely destroyed? does she love you when the voices in your head are telling you a bunch of lies? does she love you when you’re crying so hard that she’s covered in snot, but she wouldn’t have it any other way?

it took two weeks. two weeks for you to find someone new. two weeks.

does she know that your soon to be stepfather drinks way too much - and that you’ll call her upset at something he’s yelled at you about? that you’ll overreact but her voice will calm you down? does she know how much you love harry potter? or the beatles? or pink floyd? does she know all the instruments you play? has she read the songs you wrote? does she know they’re about me?

does she know about me?

instead of me being known as “"the abuser”“ did you tell her about how i bought you new phone(s), how i paid your phone bill multiple times, how i helped you get your job, your permit, licenses, how I almost bought a $800 guitar, and how I was going to help you work towards a car? what about the mothers day gifts i bought for mom? and said it was from the both of us - even though you didn’t bother to pay me back, which i didn’t necessarily EVER care about. does she know i love you unconditionally? does she know about our secrets with the moon? does she know about anything? or does she just know about the bad parts of our relationship? because the good certainly outweighed the bad. but does she know?

does she know any of us? or did you leave all your memories of us in the past? have you told her you had an amazing opportunity to be a praise and worship leader, but blew it? does she know about the summer trips? the halloween and christmas parties? the retirement home? does she know about the time we blew a tire and got stuck at a mcdonalds for almost two hours? does she know about the bonfire? the races? the band? does she know about the many times we stuck up for you? we believed in you. we trusted you.

BUT,

if this if this is what you want, if this is what makes you happy, then we’re happy. sometimes in life, you’ll meet people who you think should be in your story forever, but they’re only there for a few chapters. i’m glad to say that our story will continue without you. i must admit, we’ve had to go back and rewrite a few things, but we (I) depended on you we never thought you’d do this to us, but the rough draft to any story is a bad one and you were apart of that rough draft.

i must say, no one will ever love you as much as we did as much as i did we’re your family we’re your home

but this is it for now i’ve taken down the pictures i’ve put away the shirts i’ve removed the bracelet i’ve put it all away

this is what you want.

i hope you realize what you’re leaving behind.

good luck. keep on keeping on. you will always be my best friend. and i will always love you. because that’s what i told you. that’s what i promised you. and unlike you, i meant it.

[relaxingworldofme]

looking for alaska - john green

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

[relaxingworldofme]

the fault in our stars - john green

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”

[relaxingworldofme]

a walk to remember - nicholas sparks

“Do you love me?' I asked her. She smiled. 'Yes.' 'Do you want me to be happy?' as I asked her this I felt my heart beginning to race. 'Of course I do.' 'Will you do something for me then?' She looked away, sadness crossing her features. 'I don't know if I can anymore.' she said. 'but if you could, would you?' I cannot adequately describe the intensity of what I was feeling at that moment. Love, anger, sadness, hope, and fear, whirling together sharpened by the nervousness I was feeling. Jamie looked at me curiously and my breaths became shallower. Suddenly I knew that I'd never felt as strongly for another person as I did at that moment. As I returned her gaze, this simple realization made me wish for the millionth time that I could make all this go away. Had it been possible, I would have traded my life for hers. I wanted to tell her my thoughts, but the sound of her voice suddenly silenced the emotions inside me. 'yes' she finally said, her voice weak yet somehow still full of promise. 'I would.' Finally getting control of myself I kissed her again, then brought my hand to her face, gently running my fingers over her cheek. I marveled at the softness of her skin, the gentleness I saw in her eyes. even now she was perfect. My throat began to tighten again, but as I said, I knew what I had to do. Since I had to accept that it was not within my power to cure her, what I wanted to do was give her something that she'd wanted. It was what my heart had been telling me to do all along. Jamie, I understood then, had already given me the answer I'd been searching for, the answer my heart needed to find. She'd told me outside Mr. Jenkins office, the night we'd asked him about doing the play. I smiled softly, and she returned my affection with a slight squeeze of my hand, as if trusting me in what I was about to do. Encouraged, I leaned closer and took a deep breath. When I exhaled, these were the words that flowed with my breath. 'Will you marry me?”

[relaxingworldofme]

will grayson - john green

“NO. No no no. I don't want to screw you. I just love you. When did who you want to screw become the whole game? Since when is the person you want to screw the only person you get to love? It's so stupid, Tiny! I mean, Jesus, who even gives a fuck about sex?! People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do. I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them? Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not that important. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for even though you don't even know why he needs you? Whose drunken nose would you pick?!”

[relaxingworldofme]

distance (p1)

they say the scariest thing about distance is you don’t know if the person will miss you, or forget you.

it’s like i’m standing in a room, full of every single person who says they love me and they will take care me and i’m screaming, asking someone to please carry some of this heavy, heavy burden and no one moves;

they all just stare. some call me crazy. some say i’ve straight up lost my mind. some blame the drugs, the alcohol, the medicine that i may or may of not taken because fuck i don’t remember shit anymore

how do i give you the world when the world won’t give me a piece of peace?

i look at you and i’m home. my forever home. the place i go when the world beats me down and down and even though your world is already heavy enough, you invite me in and we don’t pass the burdens through each other; we share them. we do it together. sun, rain, snow, storm, cloudy, fuck even if it was running cats and dogs. suddenly my bad days make sense and the things i think are real and reassured and hey no you’re not crazy, that’s not fake, this isn’t a figment of your imagination;

things can only go so well for so long right? life can’t be that great, or else people wouldn’t kill themselves, they wouldn’t hurt themselves or other people, they wouldn’t numb the pain in any way that is conveniently provided for them;

i was scared, maybe i couldn’t let go of the constant fear of punishment for my real, true thoughts instead of what i’ve been taught. you light the flame in my heart and every time i just

f

a

l

l

. . .

i pray you find happiness

the happiness you give me

and even though, it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you, Hazel Grace;

i pray i find someone as much as i love you and that you know to not fall for anyone who refuses to love you like i do. you’re a smart girl even you think the test scores, the averages, percentages matter. i hope i can find someone who memorizes me like their favorite book;

to take me home and make me safe, or if i don’t feel safe do what they can to ensure i am. someone who will remind me that the bad is all in my head, and even though they may pay rent in my brain, they just file a noise complaint to the loud, irritable voices and help me move on. maybe by then my heart will stop looking for you . . .

that alone almost petrifies me, but they say scariest thing about distance is;

. . . i don’t want to forget