#broken promises

[ghostlyprimaltwilight]

You said you’d of told me the truth.

When I gave you the chance to, you lied once again.

You said you didn’t want to hurt me.

And yet you pushed the knife in harder.

[morganwallenvipclub]

I don’t understand how someone can talk so much about love, loyalty, and standing by the person they care about, but the moment life gets hard, they walk away like those conversations never happened. That’s the part that gets to me. Love isn’t just about the easy days, it’s about choosing each other when things aren’t perfect. Sometimes experiences like this make me want to shut the world out, focus on myself, and wonder if love is really worth chasing anymore. 💭🖤

[xtrablak674]

I Wanted It To Be True

But it wasn't.

I was also eighteen, and had used a quote from Janet Jackson's fourth studio album, which I am thinking is my favorite from her catalog, the messages were so positive and upbeat, hopeful. We weren't all the same, and it wasn't only knowledge and wisdom that were separating us, there was so much more that I was only beginning to see. I was starting my real education, my eyes never deceived me, my heart did, with my continually thinking people were going to be better than their nature, I was proven wrong repeatedly.

I think that is the worst part of growing up, learning that the world really isn't fair. I mean by this time I had survived an attempted murder by my dad's hand, beat unconscious with a shoe by his girlfriend, and the mother of his second child, found my own mom dead on the couch a few days before my eleventh birthday, and was sexually abused by a child, who was probably getting the same by the hand of a male in my god grandmother's home.

I may have been headed for college, but I was also headed towards huge disappointments about what I wanted out of my life, and what those around me thought I should get.

I come from a line of folks who do not have natural smiles, to get the illusion in the photo my school-mate Eva Matuka was working with the photographer to make sure everyone looked their best. I think she made a joke or something and got me to laugh and that is what was captured in this photo, that single moment that makes me look more hopeful than I really was. A pleasant deception that made for much better wallet-sizes that my grandparents handed out like cigars at a birth.

Something else that is long past, that I see in this photo is the earring in my left ear. My junior high school friend, and co-worker at Petland Discount, Nelson Lorenzo literally bought me physically to this shop on Allerton Avenue to get my ear pierced, he said it completed my look, whatever that was. I think it was sometime after my three semesters in college that I let the hole close up, I had figured out on my own I wasn't really an earring person, and that single lapse of peer pressure was soon only marred by a bit of tougher cartilage near the tip of my ear.

Generally I think I have made it through alright, I don't have the people I once had in my life, I also don't have pieces of me that were bartered, stolen, raped, beat, and mis-trusted away. The people who did things to me took those parts of me with them as thoughtlessly as they would a piece of lint that had attached to their shirt.

They walked off with parts of me that I had needed, but could obviously no longer use once the damage had been done. I have spent my adult life attempting to cultivate the growth of new parts to fill the space where the old ones used to be. Some times I am successful, other times I am left with a hodgepodge of hopes and wishes that are standing in like replacement organs, trying to help me get back to the me I used to be, garnished with the knowledge and wisdom of the life I have led up to now.

[Photo courtesy of the Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Arts and Performing Arts '91 Yearbook with the blessing of the Brown estate]

[ghostlyprimaltwilight]

You compare the one moment I treated you the way you treated me to the way you had treated me for years and said what I did was worse.

Please, you can’t compare a paper cut to a uncleaned knife wound.

[wickedzeevyln]

✮  Traffic ✮ 

In your eyes,I see my universe spiraling down its depthsIn your eyes,the cold front sits atop where our beginning used to  loungeIn your eyes,A mosaic woven of words broken, uttered under its breathIn your eyes,Plays the music without a sound Amidst the drizzle’s hushed descent,Heartbeats, once vibrant, rhythm start to breakAs if traffic coursing in the city’s veins,On rainy streets, its course…

✮  Traffic ✮ 

[ghostlyprimaltwilight]

Where I once stored my love you now sits a crater, dug and emptied out by hand with your actions and words.

[ghostlyprimaltwilight]

When all was said and done, you left us after you said you wouldn’t. After all those years of happiness and loving memories, you abandoned them for someone else while hoping I’d stay there.

[ghostlyprimaltwilight]

You’d never apologize for the tears you caused.

You were only sorry for not hiding your secrets better.