I Remembered It Better

I stumbled upon a box of books from my youth.

[remembereditbetter]

"Hmmm," Cara mused. "Well, I guess that means Ricky Capaldo is available."

"Are you kidding, Cara?" Jessica said. "He's not your type at all."

"But he is a guy," Cara reasoned. "And sometimes I feel I can't be that choosy."

There we go. Now I know we're back in Sweet Valley.

[remembereditbetter]

"I don't suppose any of you heard about Annie Whitman and Ricky Capaldo?" she asked suddenly when a break came in the conversation. Nobody said anything. Lila yawned loudly, and Jessica turned over again, looking critically at the skin on her shoulders.

Dear Caroline, please buy a clue. If a teenage girl doesn't leap to hear gossip, it's probably because you suck.

[remembereditbetter]

Suddenly Caroline caught sight of Jessica, sitting with Cara and Lila about a dozen yards from the lifeguard's chair. Thank goodness, she thought happily, threading her way over to them between the beach towels. It would be awful to spend an afternoon like this alone!

You know what's even more awful? Spending an afternoon with some dumb bimbos who don't like you. Pretty sure that's worse than being alone.

[remembereditbetter]

"I can feel my brain cells collapsing in this heat." Cara Walker moaned and rolled over on her back.

Jessica giggled. "That shouldn't take too long," she teased her friend, giving Cara a sand shower.

"Don't look now," Lila said suddenly, "but Caroline Pearce is approaching."

"Ambush!" Jessica shrieked, grabbing a towel as if to hide under it.

And why exactly does Caroline want to be friends with these people? Why does anyone want to be friends with Jessica Wakefield?!

[remembereditbetter]

Jessica couldn't resist teasing Lila about Regina. Before Regina had moved to Sweet Valley, Lila had been the richest girl in town. It was bad enough that Regina was also rich, but she was friendly, outgoing, and devastatingly beautiful, which hadn't made Lila feel very friendly toward her.

WHY are the girls in this book all such ASSHOLES?!  Is this why I was such a bitch in high school? Because I read this shit in 7th grade??

[remembereditbetter]

Caroline hesitated to read the letter, but curiosity had always been one of her strongest traits. She read the photocopy quickly as she walked to the bus stop, becoming more and more amazed with each successive line.  "I don't believe this," she muttered to herself at last, folding the letter neatly and tucking it into her bag. She smiled. I don't look for gossip, it looks for me.

This bitch.... So after digging in the Wakefields' trash, she finds a letter. Caroline's future either includes prison, or a job at TMZ.

[remembereditbetter]

Caroline headed listlessly down the walk. I will have a good time, Caroline thought. There's bound to be a few people around to talk to. And I'm not going to let the Wakefields spoil my mood.

What mood? So far all we've seen Caroline do is moon over a fake boyfriend and be desperate in front of Elizabeth Wakefield. This bitch...

[remembereditbetter]

For just a minute Elizabeth toyed with the idea of inviting Caroline in and trapping her twin upstairs. But despite her irritation with Caroline, Elizabeth felt genuinely sorry for her. There was no point in giving her false hope. And Jessica would probably climb out the window if Caroline came inside anyway.

The Wakefield twins are assholes. 

[remembereditbetter]

"Jessica's sleeping," she said at last. "She probably won't be up for ages."

"Oh," Caroline said, her face falling. "Maybe I could come inside and wait for her," she suggested hopefully.

Caroline Pearce may be one of the most socially awkward people I've ever read about. Ever.

[remembereditbetter]

"Todd will be there, won't he?" Caroline continued, a wheedling note coming into her voice.

Elizabeth was beginning to get irritated. She didn't know whether or not Todd was going to the beach, but she didn't like the way Caroline made it sound. Caroline seemed to assume she'd leap at the chance to go along if Todd would be around. Elizabeth and Todd Wilkins had been a couple for a long time, but they didn't need to spend every minute together.

Jump back! A teenage girl in Sweet Valley who DOESN'T think her life begins and ends with a man??  Did I suddenly start reading another book?

[remembereditbetter]

Sixteen years old, blond-haired, with blue-green eyes, the twins were identical, down to the gold lavalieres they wore around the necks - birthay presents from their parents.  They were both five feet six, with model-slim, size-six figures.

Cows. Models now are size 0-2. Too much Dairi Burger, ladies!!  

[remembereditbetter]

Actually Caroline had overheard Cara offering Jessica a ride. [to the beach]  And only her newfound confidence, now that Jessica knew about Adam, had prompted Caroline to ask if she could go along. Jessica had looked noncommittal, but Caroline thought she'd walk over to the Wakefields' anyway to see what the twins were up to.

Because this bitch has NO idea that having a boyfriend doesn't automatically make you popular, or that when someone doesn't seem to want you around, it doesn't mean show up on their doorstep.  Lord have mercy.

[remembereditbetter]

"And what about you , Caroline? Did you dance with anyone?"

"No," Caroline admitted, her face falling. But it didn't matter, she assured herself quickly. Everyone had believed that Adam couldn't make it because he had a baseball game. They hadn't expected her to dance with anyone else.

Because dancing = fucking, I guess? God, why did my mother allow me to read this crap?

[remembereditbetter]

But what Adam liked best in the whole world was Caroline. That was what his latest letter said, anyway. Caroline had read that letter to so many people, she almost believed it had come from a real boyfriend. Almost.

Oh. I think we're getting to why her classmates all think she's a douche.

[remembereditbetter]

Well, Caroline had tried to be herself, and as far as she was concerned, it hadn't worked. Not one bit. For some reason, boys weren't interested in her.

Even worse, none of the girls in her class seemed very interested in Caroline's company either - at least, not before Adam came along.

Okay now. The fuck?  Honey, if the boys AND the girls in your class don't like you, maybe you need to look at yourself hard in the mirror.  Yeah, be yourself, but not when yourself is an asshole.

[remembereditbetter]

Maybe I'll never be as popular as the Wakefield twins or Lila Fowler, but I'm not going to be an outcast anymore. All that has changed with Adam. Thanks to Adam, people are actually beginning to pay attention to me.

Remember, girls. People will only like you if you have a boyfriend! 

[remembereditbetter]

Crazy ass gossipy ginger Caroline Pearce makes up letters from her new boyfriend "Adam" in an attempt to get in good with the rich spoiled brats of Sweet Valley High. Because you know no one in Sweet Valley knew ANYONE AT ALL in Cold Springs, a town 2 hours away.

Thank God Caroline didn't live now. She'd have a bitch of a time trying to make up a fake Facebook for the guy.

Also, the twins' parents attempt to better themselves and that can't be.