Sad Girlie @remidrew - Tumblr Blog

Honestly super terrified to post in this fandom but I wrote a thing and will probably write more things. I've been lurking since the pilot hehe

Read on AO3 -> here

CW for suicide/suicidal ideation and so much survivor's guilt

"Oh, shit!" Pomni blurted out as her fingers slipped off the keys. Playing the piano with cartoon clown hands was a lot harder then it looked.

Deep breath in and then out.

Pomni reset her hands over the keys and started again, humming along to the tune of Daisy Bell in her head.

She was far from any professional. Her playing was clunky and uneven. Every few notes one of her fingers would slip off and hit an incorrect key.

I wonder what your playing was like?

Pomni blinked away hot tears and kept on playing. Her fingers slipping even more often. After one incorrect note too many, Pomni slammed her fists against the keys as she let out a pathetic sob. Hot tears dripped down her cheeks and onto the piano keys.

What am I doing?

She shouldn't be here trying—failing, to teach herself piano.

I shouldn't be here at all.

Pomni's face scrunched up and more tears flowed down her cheeks. It wasn't fair. Why did she get to survive and Jax didn't?

Part of her wished she had gone with him. She had been completely prepared to. Anything so he wouldn't have been alone during his last moments. Anything to show him that even through it all. Through every terrible decison and every mistake he made, that he was still loved.

But another, evil part of her was glad Zooble and the others had saved her. She was glad she was here with them. She was glad she got to keep on living and she hated herself for that.

How dare she keep on living, when he couldn't.

She hated herself the most on the days she smiled.

Ever since—well ever since Caine returned wanting to turn over a new leaf, the atmosphere in the circus had changed. For starters, he no longer viewed himself as a God. He was more down to Earth and willing to listen. He was still himself, of course; over the top, flamboyant, and maybe a little bit self-centered.

He was still working on that last one.

The circus was feeling more and more like a home as the weeks progressed. Everyone with some help from Caine and their new found conjuring abilities had been hard at work expanding the circus. Most of it was still a work in progress but everyone agreed it was nice to get out of the tent and just live a little. It wasn't unusual for eveyone to spend at least part of their day doing their own thing.

Ragatha liked to hang around the Digital Barn, tending to the NPC horses that Caine had helped her create. Kinger had created an lepidopterarium. He would spend hours in there sketching up butterflies and moths to then show to the abstracted Queenie. He swore that her eyes would flicker with some kind of recognition when he did.

Gangle and Zooble had found a room.

Ragatha claimed to have been permanently changed for life after having walked passed it one day.

Gangle had also created a small art studio. Caine was completely captivated by her human generated tales. She was currently in the process of sketching out the first chapter of her newest comic. Something about fast food worker that got magical powers or something from a golden spatula.

Zooble, whenever they weren't hanging around with Gangle, had created a small bar out in the open. They had been experimenting with mixing different types of drinks while using their different parts. Having a frother for a hand turned out to be very useful.

Pomni liked the music room. She had been wandering the circus alone one day and just stumbled into it. It wasn't a new room like the others liked to hang out in. Based on the shittiness of some of the textures and the digital dust building on some of the instruments, she figured it had to of been around just as long as the rest of the circus.

The room was filled with about every instrument imaginable, some Pomni had never even heard of.

Seriously, what the hell was a theremin??

The walls were decorated with a very loud music note themed wallpaper with the same red, blue, and yellow color scheme that filled the rest of the circus. Even the floor was programmed to be musical. Each of the tiles was programmed to play a different musical note.

I bet you'd get a kick out of it.

I wonder if you came here when Ribbit was still around.

Did you ever tell her that you played piano?

"Heya, Pomni!" Ragatha's cheery voice rang through the music room, followed by the sound of a loud offkey trumpet as she stepped on a tile. "Oops," She muttered. Her cheeks turning a light rosey red as she lifted her foot cautiously.

"Hey, Ragatha," Pomni turned to smile at her. It wasn't a full ear to ear smile but it was genuine.

It must not have looked very genuine though because as soon as their eyes met each other, Ragatha gasped, her pupils shrinking as she covered her mouth. "Oh—oh, I'm so sorry, Pomni!" Her eyes darted between Pomni and the sheet music on the piano. "I should have known that-that you were busy in here and you probably want to be alo—"

"Ragatha"

Pomni grabbed her by the arm to quiet her thoughts. She could feel Ragatha relax as their skin made contact.

"It's fine," Pomni faltered then plastered on another smile, this one a bit more tired. "Thanks for checking up on me."

Ragatha looked a bit embarassed. She held her arms in front of her waist. "Oh, sure thing. I—uh, just wanna make sure your doing okay. I know it's been," she sucked in her breath, "a lot lately."

"I—" Pomni felt her voice get caught in throat. A lot was an interstatement. The worst week of her entire life sounded about right. Pomni glanced off to the side, hoping Ragatha would ignore the tears returning to her eyes.

I miss you.

I never got to tell you that you give the best hugs.

I never got to tell you a lot…

"I've been better," Pomni finally said, pushing in the piano bench as she stood up. "I should probably get outta here. I've been up here for a while."

"Zooble and Gangle mentioned something about holding a trivia night."

"Sounds fun."

Trivia night had been a good idea.

Pomni relaxed into the purple beanbag chair she was sitting in then took another sip of her drink. It was something Zooble had come up with for her. A lemon drop martini infused with hints of lavender and a bit of citrus.

"Caine, you can't play anymore," Zooble grumped after Caine's twelth correct answer in a row.

Caine seemed to deflate at that. "Ohh, and why not?"

Zooble sighed, sliding the whisk that was serving as their right hand today, over their face. "Maybe cause your brain is literally the internet!" Caine's eyes went wide and filled with dramatic tears.

"Maybe you should be the host?" Gangle suggested.

"Gasp," Caine said. "You are ABSOLUTELY correct, Gangle. I am an excellent host!" He snapped his fingers, changing his usual get-up into a sparkly black suit. He shuffled a stack of cards together then cleared his throat and read, "Now, which came first the chicken or the egg?"

Pomni could practically hear the annoyed sigh from Zooble on the other side of the room. She stirred her purple drink then took another sip as Caine shuffled his cards looking for another question.

The night evolved as everyone, barring Caine, became a bit more tipsy. Pomni hadn't been keeping track but she had to of had at least three drinks. Getting up felt like it would be a chore. Her legs were feeling a bit like jello and her thoughts a bit foggy.

I bet you'd be wasted, right about now.

Pomni snorted to herself.

You always were a bit of a lightweight.

While everyone was deep in a discussion about whether or not Caine had been helping Kinger cheat, Pomni glanced over at the tent in the center of the room.

It's been a while

She set her empty drink down on the table then headed off toward the tent, stumbling only a little. "Hey, Jax," she said, pushing some fabric out of the way so she could enter.

The abstraction was asleep. He was curled into a big ball, each of his many eyes peacefully slipped shut. Pomni took a seat on a worn cushion, positioned perfectly beside him, not letting her eyes leave him for a second.

"S-sorry, it's been a while," Pomni choked out. "I-uhh-I" She closed her eyes then took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. "We played trivia tonight and I kept thinking that if you were here we would have played in teams," she sniffled. "Team bad guys back at it again!"

She laughed through tears at her own not joke. "You'd probably say I'm cringe." She swiped at her eyes. "And yeah, maybe I am but so were you."

And I only just barely started to see that side of you.

Pomni rambled some more, about what, she wasn't exactly sure. She just kept talking and talking until eventually that talking morphed into crying and then that crying into sobbing.

It's been a month

I shouldn't be crying so much

The abstraction blinked his eyes open, all of his many pupils turning to look directly at Pomni. instead of the usual multi-colored eyes, cat like pupils and yellow scelra blinked back at her.

Maybe she was seeing things. She was still quite tipsy after all. Either way Pomni didn't care. Tears filled her eyes as she reached a hand out to him.

Jax?

The abstraction leaned forward, allowing for Pomni's hand to press against what she assumed was supposed to be his head. It hurt like hell just as she remembered it but nothing beat the comfort of touching him again.

"Pomni?" Ragatha's calm voice came from the entryway.

Pomni let out a quick yelp and pulled her hand away, ignoring the way it began to glitch out. When she glanced back at the abstraction the Jax-like eyes were gone, once again replaced with the usual multi-colored ones.

Pomni's lip quivered. It was like he was gone all over again. Pomni instinctively grabbed at her forearm with her good hand, trying to hide the glitchy one behind her back. She turned her head toward Ragatha and tried to smile but all she couldn't manage was a lopsided grimace that barley reached her red puffy eyes.

Pomni could only hold her fake smile for a few seconds before she gave up and collapsed back on the pillow she had been sitting on. Wet hit tears streamed down her face. She pulled her knees up to her chest to hide her teary mess of a face and sobbed.

"Want some company?" Ragatha asked, taking a seat on one of the other spare pillows. Pomni just nodded, not moving her head from her knees.

Pomni wasn't sure how long they sat there but it had to of been at least a few hours. Her legs were starting to cramp up and a small headache was forming in her temples from crying so much.

"We should go," Pomni said, stretching as she stood up.

"Oh, uh, sure thing," Ragatha said, following suit.

The walk back to their rooms was long and silent at least it was to anyone not inside Pomni's head. Her thoughts were as loud as ever.

It was like for a moment he was still there.

What if he's not totally gone?

"Ragatha?" Pomni said, eyes fixated on anything but Ragatha's.

"Hmm?"

"What do you think abstraction is?"

"Huh?" Ragatha's eye went wide.

Pomni turned to look at her, "Do you really think there's really no way to reverse it?"

"Pomni," Ragatha's voice was soft and delicate. She couldn't deny that she hadn't thought it before especially after Ribbit's abstraction. She bit down on her lip to prevent herself from tearing up. Thinking about Ribbit never got any easier. "I know it's hard but—"

"Ragatha," Pomni sniffled. "He's still there! I can feel it!," She motioned back toward the tent. Her voice went soft."He's still in there. He's just—different. Has anyone ever even tried reversing abstraction?"

"Well—no," Ragatha muttered, holding her arms close to her chest. "Caine always said it was the only thing he couldn't fix."

Caine had said a lot of things over the few short months, Pomni had been there. No control over their minds? Why else had they forgotten their names?

"Pomni?" Ragatha fumbled with her hands. What little Ragatha did understand about abstraction was that it wasn't safe to trifle with. They'd already almost lost Pomni once. Ragatha didn't think she could go through that again. "Please, abstraction is dangerous and I-I really don't wanna see you get hurt."

Pomni grabbed her hands and gave them a firm squeeze. "Ragatha, I'll be fine."

Ragatha nodded sadly, "Right, of course you will be. I just—" She let out a sad sigh. "I don't want you to be disappointed when he's…gone."

"I," Pomni froze, biting down on her lower lip to discourage her tears from making a comeback.

Disappointment was a real possibility. She didn't even have a concrete plan at this point. Where would she even begin to look for a way to reverse abstraction? For all she knew Ragatha was right and there really was no way.

"I know," Pomni finally said. "I just—" she tried to smile, "wanna try."

Ragatha let out another sad sigh then nodded. "Of course you do." She sniffled, "I love that about you but please—be careful."

Pomni didn't want to make a promise she knew she couldn't keep so she just smiled back at her before heading into her bedroom.

Pomni lay back in her bed. She let her eyes slip shut for a moment as she wracked her brain for any ideas on what to do about Jax.

He's not totally gone.

I saw him. Maybe just for a moment but he's in there.

Still hanging on.

There has to be a way. There just has to be.

"But beating death is impossible," the realist voice in the back of her head piped up.

Pomni rolled over onto her side, hugging one of her pillows to her chest. She wanted to ignore the thought but a part of her couldn't shake the feeling that it was right.

"Maybe in the real world," the optimist voice spoke.

Pomni sat up suddenly, her eyes growing wide.

She'd accepted that they weren't exactly humans trapped in a digital world. That they were simply brain scans of humans, who went on to live their real lives.

So why was she still playing by human logic?

Pomni let her eyes fall shut and let out a deep breath. Time to put her conjuring skills to good use.

Don't think too hard about it.

Just relax and imagine it. Just like Kinger showed me. A big box computer from the late nineties with the circus' code already open.

Computer.

COM. PUTE. ER.

She kept repeating the word in her head like some kind of weird mantra.

When Pomni finally opened her eyes, there it was. A clunky box monitor sitting at the end of her bed.

Pomni clambered forward and touched her hand to the monitor. It was warm to the touch. She grabbed the mouse in her hand and the screen lit up. A long string of code flashed across the screen in green text before the monitor opened up to a window full of folders. One for AI, one for NPCs, one for worlds and so on.

"Oookay, I got this," she told herself, not totally believing it.

Pomni began to scroll through the different folders, until her eyes landed on the one she was looking for, brain scans.

She clicked the folder and then was taken to another screen. It was full of even more folders all labeled with the current and prior circus members' names.

Their real names.

For a moment her eyes flickered over her own name, Abigail Brookes. It somehow felt both familiar and yet so strange.

I wonder how you're doing, Abby?

Instagram posts can only say so much.

Still an accountant?

Still like exploring abandoned buildings?

Still single AF?

Pomni forced a laugh at that last thought. Then turned her attention to the folder she was really looking for.

Leeroy Matteo

She was led to a new window this one filled with rows and rows of executable files, object files, and things Pomni wasn't even sure what they were. If she was being honest with herself, she didn't even know exactly what she was looking for. Jax's brain scan? Some kind of back-up file?

Hope.

That sounded so cheesy but it was the truth. She just needed something, anything that gave her even the slightest bit of reassurance that Jax wasn't totally gone. That there was some way to fix this.

Not him.

Just this. This stupid, messy, terrible situation.

Pomni clicked the most recent file labeled with a garble of text. The file opened and she was greeted with a long string of code that she couldn't even begin to decipher. She stared at it for a good long minute, trying to gain even the slightest bit of understanding but her brain was running a blank.

She backed out of the file, letting out a disappointed sigh. Then clicked on another file and then another and another. Everytime she was met with more and more garbled text.

Corrupted.

His brain scans, his avatar files, they were all corrupted.

She wanted hope but she only felt more and more hopeless the more she looked. Maybe Caine was right. Maybe there really was no way to fix abstraction.

Pomni picked the computer up off her bed and placed it on the desk in the corner that she hardly ever used. She felt stupid for even trying.

She didn't touch it for weeks.

What was the point? Jax was gone. Gone just as much as Ribbit and Kaufmo were. She wished she'd never conjured up that stupid computer in the first place because now, as hard as she tried, it just wouldn't disappear. It just sat there on her desk as a stark reminder of her failures.

That this was her fault.

At least partially.

Pomni sat on her bed and stared at the computer from across the room. It was still powered on because of course it was. It remained open to that same page that was full of all of Jax's messy and corrupted files. It was mocking her.

I should have gone back for you.

You reached out to me. That's a big deal for you. It was the first time I ever saw you reach out to anyone and then I just believed you when you changed you mind. Why didn't I go back for you?

Pomni hadn't even realized she'd started crying. She'd been doing it so much lately, it just felt like breathing. She sloppily wiped at her eyes then let out a deep breath.

I know it's not my fault. You'd probably think I was dumb for blaming myself but it still feels like my fault.

She looked over at the monitor, her brows furrowed. It was times like this she wished she'd chosen a career in computer science over accounting. At least then maybe she'd have the semblance of a chance at understanding what any of the corrupted code was saying. She'd even settle for a shotty Wikipedia tutorial or a beginner's guide.

"Ow"

Pomni picked up the book that had miraculously fallen from the sky and smacked her in the head.

"Beginner's Guide to Coding for Jesters," she read off, "Oh, would you look at that." She hugged the book to her chest.

Her conjuring ability was getting a bit scary.